Seeing the World through the Eyes of Others ~ building Empathy in Children

 See what I see, hear what I hear,

feel what I feel, then maybe you'll understand,

why I do what I do.

     Empathy is the ability to understand someone else's thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, motivations, and intentions.  Children learn empathy through face-to face interactions.  This begins when they are infants and learn that when they smile, their caretaker smiles.  The skill of being able to understand someone else's perspective continues to develop through face-to-face interactions as children grow.

     It is interesting to see how the rise of technology has led to a significant decrease in face-to-face interactions.  Many children would prefer to play with their parent's phone than engage in face-to-face conversation.  And yet, when children have repeated eye contact with others, they begin to recognize them as a person with feelings.  When they can begin to learn this perspective, it decreases their desire to be unkind to other kids.  

     There are some concrete ways to nurture your child's blossoming ability to have empathy for others:

1.  Point out the various facial expressions and body language of others around you.  Ask your child, "How do you suppose they are feeling?" when you notice a child in the park, a new neighbor, an elderly person, a grocery clerk, or a homeless person on the sidewalk.  It is by practicing mindful observations of others that the child strengthens the neural pathways in their prefrontal cortex and they become increasingly attuned to important social cues and details," says counselor Theresa Keller.

2.  Consider the unique perspective and tone of voice of others during a fun game or art project.   During dinner, take turns role playing by talking like various relatives and celebrities as you insert their name and perspective into this sentence:  "If  ___ came to dinner,  s/he would say....."  

Parent: Your teacher, Ms. Sue, is here for dinner. What would she say?
Child: "This is a nice dinner" (in a sweet, high-pitched voice)
Parent: Your three-year-old cousin has arrived for dinner. What would he say?
Child: "I don't like hot dogs!" (with a whiny voice)
Parent: Your cool, uncle Jeremiah sits down at the table. What does he say?
Child: "Hey mon, how ya doing?" ( in a deep, jazzy tone)

In Ms. B's art class this week, children drew the world from the perspective of an ant. Try drawing other perspectives with your child ~ What does our world look like from an alien's perspective in outer space, from the world of a baby in a crib, from the eyes of your dog?

3.  Restate each child's perspective when siblings have conflicts, recommends Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com).  Try to identify what each of them want, what they think, and what they're feeling.  As children advance in these skills, help each child express their own feelings and needs to the other child.  See if the listener can repeat or reframe what they heard to check for clarity.  

4.  Give your child your full attention when they are upset.  When your child is totally ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait.  Your child knows when you're really listening and are totally present.  She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to listen and don't.  Turn off your cell phone.  Turn off your screen.  She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the cell phone or TV just to listen to her.  In turn, your child will learn the importance of being truly "in the moment" when empathizing with others.

5.  Demonstrate to your child how to be empathetic even when they're defiant.  Cecila Hilkey from HappilyFamily demonstrates how:

6.   Practice doing Random Acts of Kindness with your children.   The more they practice kind acts, the easier it becomes for children to recognize when people are in need.  Brain research demonstrates that people who practice acts of kindness and compassion are better at recognizing and identifying emotions in others.  And the pay off works in multiple ways.  Studies show that our brains are rewarded by a release of dopamine (the feel good, motivating, rewarding chemicals) during our acts of kindness.  

7.  Don't be afraid to offer a "Do-Over."  When things start to go south between you and your child, slow everything down, take several deep breaths, apologize for your part of the escalation, and suggest a "do-over".  "Let's take a break and then come back and try again to understand each other."  Kids love to pretend, says Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparening.com).  Children instinctively use play to heal emotional wounds.  And they love the idea that together you can rewrite the script to create a better ending.  So Do-Overs can be the perfect way to repair when you're off track.  They acknowledge that we aren't always empathetic ~ but we're family, and we'll always circle back and work things out.

 8.    Realize that a child's big emotions aren't really about you.   As parents, "let's realize when our child's fear is talking....their anxiety is talking.... their despair and hopelessness is talking," says Rachel Strafford (Only Love Today).  When we do, this allows us to respond to the hurting person in ways we couldn't before,  Lean into your child this week and feel what they are feeling underneath their awkward, sometimes irritating behaviors and expressions.  If you can speak to that underlying emotion, they will feel heard and understood.  They will be able to turn things around.  And hopefully, they will soon begin to respond in that same empathetic way to someone else.