Meaningful Holidays or Endless Meltdowns?

  "You will always be your child's favorite toy."  ~  Vicki Lansky

     The average number of toys owned by children in the United States is 150.  Our winter holidays feed into the fantasy that material things give our children what they need.  But the dopamine lift from ripping open a pile of gifts is temporary.  According to Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com), happiness and contentment comes from "connection, meaning and contribution", not things.  So over winter break, try to "put the focus back on the love between you and your child by finding special ways to connect with them."  Markham recommends the following suggestions (most of which cost very little in terms of money):

     1.  GIVE THE GIFT OF YOUR TIME.  In one study, children were asked what they liked best about their vacations.  It was the simple connection time with parents, when the parent was able to relax and enjoy the child without being stressed.  Over and over, children said things like "Lying on the blanket with my Dad, looking at the stars together."  Focused time with loving adults provides lasting (not temporary) pleasure, from the anticipation to the loving connection to the savoring afterwards.  Add to the excitement of simple pleasures by creating gift certificates for activities with you and then wrap them up.   

• Breakfast in bed together
• Dad's best foot massage
• Paint your room with mom
• Ice skating or hockey session with dad
• Banana split party with a parent
• Choose the movie for family movie night
• 
  

     2.  SHARE THE MAGIC.  Sit in silence with your child and enjoy the flames on the menorah, or the dancing fire in the fireplace.  Find the sense of wonder by going for a quiet walk together to look at neighborhood lights.  Turn off all cellphones and let the dark night inspire awe and wonder.

     3.  CREATE PHOTO MEMORIES.  Instead of taking a photo of your child on a bearded stranger's lap reciting lists of material items he covets, take photos of the two of you together -- making holiday presents, decorating for the holiday, baking treats for his class party, dressing up in your winter pajamas.  Create a scrap book of photos together that capture the festivities in your home and neighborhood.  Don't be surprised if your little one asks to look at this book over and over, or reads it to comfort himself.

     4.  FALL ASLEEP together IN FRONT of YOUR TREE (if you have one) in sleeping bags. Have a slumber party, one child at a time.  Reads stories by candlelight. This might become your child's favorite holiday memory.   

     5.  START A BLESSING BOWL, in which everyone writes down things your family members are grateful for, from your year.  One evening towards the end of the year, make popcorn, snuggle up together, and go through the bowl.  Talk about the memories.  Savor the feeling of emotional abundance that makes us feel grateful.  Remember how blessed you are to have each other.  

     There's nothing wrong with exchanging presents to express your delight in each other.  But why not keep the focus on connection and meaning, which fills your child inside in a way that objects never do.  What children NEED more than anything is our Presence, more than presents.

     Nicole Schwartz (imperfectfamilies.com) says "I feel like there should be a warning for all parents around mid-November that reads: Caution.  Self-regulation may be limited" over the holidays.  There is a lot of excitement and big emotions to manage this time of year.  Unfortunately, kids are at a disadvantage.  Their brains are still in the process of learning how to self-regulate.  Knowing how to stay cool and calm when under pressure and overstimulated is slowly developed as children age.  This learning curve may mean big meltdowns, overwhelming anxiety, an overabundance of energy, and an increase in power struggles over winter break.  

     "Before you threaten to take away presents or tell them Santa isn't coming unless they shape up," Schwartz cautions, consider these three things:

     Be mindful of your child's needs.  What does your child need to manage their big feelings or actions well?  Maybe it means letting them be more rambunctious during the day or letting them run outside before a big gathering.  Maybe it's limiting sweets.  Maybe it's preparing them in advance for the holiday party.  Maybe letting them have some say in what they wear to the event.  Maybe it's practicing some things they can say to Great-Aunt Mary, who they only see once a year.  Maybe it's insuring they get plenty of sleep.

     Increase your connection.  How can you spend some special time together in the midst of chaos?  Maybe it's spending 10 minutes playing a game before leaving for an event.  Maybe it's giving a few extra hugs throughout the day.  Maybe it's prioritizing bedtime snuggles.  Maybe it's singing silly holiday songs and dancing in the kitchen.  Maybe it's doing a random act of kindness together.  

     Give them a little more patience.  What do you need to help your child through this exciting time of year?  Maybe it's lowering your expectations.  Maybe it's asking for help.  Maybe it's saying "no" when you cannot take on another task.  Maybe it's carving out 5-10 minutes to do some self-care.  Maybe it's giving yourself permission to simplify your holiday traditions.  

    The answers will be different for each person.  "It may seem counterproductive to play with your child when they are bouncing off the wall with uninhibited excitement or to offer a snuggle when your child is refusing to put on their fancy dress.  It can feel like you're giving attention to the wrong things," says Schwartz.  But "instead of expecting your kids to step up and be more self-regulated in a stressful, overstimulating environment, let's be more available to them.  Let's meet the needs they don't know they have" ~ the needs hidden under their dysregulated behavior.  

   Let's create meaningful holiday memories and the understanding that our developing children will need us to serve as their soothing Wizard Brain when our cultural traditions ramp up.  Enjoy!   

 

Mountain Parents at their Best

     They came with tiny babies, energetic toddlers, and tons of older siblings.  They came from Ward, Gilpin County, downtown Nederland, Ridge Road, and even as far away as Estonia!   Parents with defiant preteens and squirmy elementary students gathered for the final Mountain Strong Families event of 2019, sponsored by TEENS, Inc, along with the help of Mountain Forum for Peace. 

     NES school counselor Kristen Kron, and local therapist and social worker Carrie Evans, summarized how to “discipline” and redirect children so that they develop strong social emotional skills.  This final parenting event held at Nederland Elementary School, entitled No Drama Discipline in Action:  How to Redirect and Reconnect, followed the nationally acclaimed work of Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Paine Bryson. 

     Earlier sessions focused on (1) Stress Management for parents, (2) understanding Brain Development and how children learn to behave, (3) the importance of Connecting in positive ways if we want children to obey, and (4) Communicating empathy and comfort for a child’s feelings and underlying needs when they misbehave.  This final session helped parents pull all these ideas together by encouraging them to front load the expected behavior in order to set limits, validate feelings instead of shaming, and use fewer words to describe problematic behavior rather than long lectures. 

     Parents were given a chance to practice involving their child in the discipline process in order to solve the problem and develop their critical thinking, re-frame a “no” into a “yes with a condition”, and reinforce the child’s positive behaviors.  One mother said she really liked this “gentle, positive parenting approach” offered during the five sessions.  This same approach is continuing to be implemented at Nederland Elementary School as our society moves away from a more punitive reaction to misbehavior and understands more about how children actually learn from their mistakes.

   Evans and Kron outlined how to have a restorative conversation when misbehavior has occurred.  Once everyone has soothed their intense emotions, parents can process the following questions with their child:  “What other strategies do you need to use to feel better?  How are you gonna fix this situation?  How can we solve this problem together?  What does your sibling need to feel better?”  It is vital to reconnect with one another and repair any harm that has occurred.  Rather than punishing a child for their behavior, parents were encouraged to help the child learn to be accountable for their words and actions and repair their relationships.  Parents, too, can circle back and model how to apologize when they have yelled or demanded instead of calmly stating their ideas and giving choices to the child. 

     Parenting is such an exhausting, rewarding, joyful and frustrating endeavor.   It was clear that the nearly 75 adults who attended one or more of the Mountain Strong Families sessions appreciated the support they felt from one another in performing their role.  One mother, who has lived in three different countries, believes that “the United States is the least child-friendly of them all.”  This Series helps fill a need for supporting mountain families.   It offers a free, home-cooked meal and childcare while parents laugh, cry and learn together in their misery and triumphs.  “There has been less yelling at our house,” admitted one parent after utilizing the ideas in No Drama Discipline.  “I learned how important it is to get down at the child’s eye level to talk through misbehavior,” said another mom, who now understands how our brains can launch us into fight or flight reactions. 

     “It’s great to come together, hear that we are all going through similar situations, and learn the latest information about how to raise healthy, whole human beings,” said Ann Sherman, Parenting Matters Coordinator.   TEENS, Inc plans to continue this Series and offer ongoing opportunities for parents.  To get on the mailing list for future sessions, contact ann@teensinc.org.

    A group of local therapists from New Growth Therapy, Peak to Peak Counseling, along with TEENS, Inc’s counselor Andrea Begin, are offering a new parent support group at 110 Snyder Street beginning Weds, Dec 11^th at 10 am to help families through the additional stress of the holiday season.  Check out this new opportunity to create a mountain community where all parents and kids feel nurtured and embraced!

Developing better Self Control in your Child

   

     Our children aren't dogs which we train to do silly tricks.  But we do want them to learn how to stop and think before they blurt, interrupt others, or act impulsively. 
     It takes a long time to develop the capacity for self control.  It is completely normal for elementary school students to do impulsive things now and then.  Children gradually build the neural pathways in their brains to be able to stop and think before acting or speaking.  They learn to pause and process after a great deal of practice at this.
     The orbitofrontal cortex is an area of the brain located just behind the eyes.  It is important to impulse control.  The human brain has around 100 billion neurons, each with dendrites that resemble the branches of a tree.  When our children are challenged to perform repeated behaviors, their neurons grow more dendrites, which in turn connect to other neurons.  This process creates an elaborate web of synaptic connections.  By playing impulse control games, children are challenged to grow dendritic connections that will link their brain stems and limbic areas to the cortex areas of their brains.  These dendritic connections will enhance their ability to pay attention and control their impulses and emotional reactions.

     Lack of self control can be a skill deficit when children haven't yet had appropriate behavior taught to them.  A child who throws a tantrum, hits, or grabs things needs experience learning how to handle their feelings or get their needs met in socially appropriate ways.  We can explicitly model how to say and do things in a gentler, controlled manner:  "Let's try that again.  Try saying,  I feel frustrated when you aren't sharing with me.  Will you please let me play with that in a few minutes?"  These lessons often need to be taught over and over as an adult coaches and models.
     Children may also lack self control due to a performance deficit.  The child may know the appropriate behavior but fails to make good choices in the moment.  Being emotionally dysregulated or feeling pressure can cause children to forget what they know and act impulsively.  They need more practice to stop and think so that good behavior is like a muscle memory.  We want our children to use self control to do the right thing even if it isn't what they always want to do.  There are many fun ways to help your child practice waiting, or pausing to stop and think, before reacting. 

     Eight things Parents can do to help Children Learn Self Control

1.  Model Self Control

     If a child sees a parent reacting with impulsive behavior (think road rage) or a high level of emotion during a challenging situation, then they will also have a hard time settling down and controlling their own behavior.  One of the most important things we adults can do to help children learn self-control is to regulate our own emotions, so we can stay calm and patient with our children.  Children learn extensively from what they see modeled.  

2.  Help them Think through Consequences

        Help your child think through their actions and consider the consequences.  If they have a homework assignment that they don't want to complete, ask them what the outcome will be if they don't hand it to their teacher the next day.  How will that make them feel?  Use this process to help make the internal consequence and decision-making process external.  This helps the child practice these thinking skills and incorporate the process internally.  

3.  Playfully Delay Gratification

        Popular children's games can be a big help teaching younger children the ability to stop, wait or follow directions.  Think Red Light, Green Light.  The goal of the game is to be the first to cross the finish line, but you're called out if you move on the red light.  The child with impulse control challenges will have to work harder to stop at the proper time, but it's great practice.  Simon Says and Follow the Leader are games that help develop a young child's ability to pay attention and follow directions.  "It's fun to play these games at school, but it's even more fun to play them with Mom, Dad, Grandma or Grandpa," says James Forgan and Mary Anne Richey, authors of, The Impulsive, Disorganized Child: Solutions for Parenting Kids with Executive Functioning Difficulties.  

4.  Get Physical

     "Exercise and movement affect the ability to focus and pay attention by boosting dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin in the brain.  Regular physical activity also improves concentration and motivation, decreases hyperactivity and impulsivity, and improves memory,"  says child development researcher Michelle Anthony.   Run and play outdoors before asking your child to sit and finish their homework.  

5.  Teach Calming Strategies while Waiting

      When children are having a hard time waiting, try helping them do or think about something completely different.  The next time you and your child are waiting together, talk about ways to have the waiting be fun or go faster.  Some people draw doodles, tap their fingers, or sing songs in their heads.  Plan for the times that your child may need to wait and take something for them to do, such as pens and paper or a book.  Tell your child a story or play a question game:  "What's the biggest thing in this room?"  "How many red cars do you see?"  

6.  Play a Mind-Body Integration Game

      Have your child attempt to sit in a chair without moving.  Time how long the child is able to accomplish this.  See if they can increase their effort. Play it with them and time yourself.  Repeated practice over several weeks will show improvement.  Through activities such as this, the neural connections between the brain and the body are strengthened, providing self-control.  

7.  Practice Self-Talk when Distracted

     Encourage your child to repeat directions to themselves over and over to help them focus on a task.  "Put on your shoes, then grab your coat....Put on your shoes, then grab your coat."   Or repeat one word over and over "Focus, Focus, Focus" to help stay on task.  Ask them, "What is the first thing you need to do?  Second?"  Have them repeat back to you what they will be doing to lock it in their working memory.  

8.  Playfully practice Focusing Attention when Distracted

     Challenge your child to match socks from the laundry basket while you walk around them.  See if they can tie their shoes while you tap your foot or snap your fingers to a song.  Challenge them to wipe off the table while you talk on the phone to see if they can stay on task.  Cheer when they do it!

     "If children learn to delay gratification and control their impulses, they are going to be more successful in life" says Clinical Psychologist Melissa DeRosier,  "~socially, in school, career wise, in relationships, pretty much anything." All these things require the ability to slow yourself down and think before reacting. 

Practicing Gratitude as a Family

     Dr. Kristen Rice, from Balance Your Brain to Balance Your Life,  shares how her family developed gratitude practices that have created meaning and connection in their lives.  She shares some simple ideas that shift our thinking and bond us to one another:

       One of the first things we teach our kids as soon as they learn to speak is to say, "Thank you." Think of the countless times you have said, "What do you say?..." to prompt your child to utter these words. But do our kids really have any idea what it means to be thankful?

Practicing gratitude has benefits that go far beyond having a polite kid. Studies show that people who practice gratitude feel 25% happier, are more likely to be kind and helpful to others, are more enthusiastic, interested and determined, and the benefits for our kids are equally as impressive (learn more in the video).

So how can families practice gratitude in meaningful ways? Here are a few ideas.

3 ideas for incorporating the practice of gratitude into your day

1) Express your appreciation for each other.

In my house we started this as a birthday tradition. When it is someone's birthday we go around the table and express what we all appreciate about that person. The first time we did this it was uncomfortable for me — it felt 'cheesy' for lack of a better term. But when I heard the amazing things my kids had to say it quickly became my favorite family ritual, and we remind each other of what has been said often. But don’t feel like you need to wait for a major life event to show your appreciation – I have a friend who comes home from work and often finds a sticky note on her fridge from her partner, expressing appreciation for her.

2) Make a gratitude jar.

This can be a fun project for kids. Find a container and let the kids decorate it. Cut out some pieces of scratch paper and put them in a convenient place so that family members can write down things they feel grateful for and place the paper in the jar. If kids can't yet write then having them draw a picture of something works great too! Then, open the jar once a week or once a month and read what everyone has written. I’ve been amazed at not only what is written between family members, but also the long lasting, positive effects this has had on our relationships, especially between my children.

3) Make it part of your bedtime routine.

Take a few minutes at the end of each day to show appreciation for the little things in your life for which you are thankful. Write your thoughts in a journal, or ask your kids to tell you three things they are thankful for before they go to bed. Try to think of one new thing each day – ideally something that happened that day.

     Life can often seem busy and overwhelming.  Teaching our children to stop and notice the things that bring joy and comfort, to find the positives among the challenges, builds their resilience and confidence.   And for that, we are grateful.  

                             * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Here are some beautiful questions to utilize with your child which help us reflect on our blessings:   Questions to Deepen Your Child's Experience of Gratitude

    Make Thanksgiving Break even more meaningful by reading some of these stories to your young children:  BOOKS that will make your CHILD FEEL ABSOLUTELY LOVED


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     Join us for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation on Tuesday, Dec 3rd.  Parents will practice how to Redirect and Repair Relationships while disciplining.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org


     

Communicating with a distraught or disobedient child

     

     As the fog set in over the mountains, the children giggled and squirmed.  Families gathered round the tables at Nederland Elementary and laughed and chatted while enjoying a Mexican-inspired meal.  Babies and toddlers were soothed.  Preteens began to spread out their homework.  Elementary children sat proudly in their community school with their loving parents by their sides.  And the fourth Mountain Strong Families event of this semester proceeded forward.

    TEENS, Inc partners with our local schools and community counselors to provide ongoing workshops for parents.  The focus of the Mountain Strong Families Series is on how best to teach children strong social-emotional skills and strengthen family relationships.  We have utilized ideas from the No Drama Discipline Workbook to connect parents with the social emotional skills which students are learning at school.  On November 6^th, Kestrel Hansen Neathawk, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly Bryant prepared an interactive dialogue about Communication Tips for a Happier Home.   Parents were able to share their challenges with their children’s behavior and offer insights into what works for them.  “There’s a lot of noise in our house,” admitted one mother, “but not enough talking and listening to each other.”

    Common themes emerged from parents; parents who previously may have felt alone and isolated in this journey.  Everyone commiserated when hearing about the screaming child in the grocery store, the physically or emotionally intense child who lashes out at family members, the unwillingness to obey, or the mouthy, argumentative teen.  “My children are disrespectful to me but wonderful everywhere else,” admitted one mother with teenage sons.  We’ve all been there.  “You are not alone,” Carrie Evans reassured us. 

    So how do adults respond when there are big emotions, noncompliance, and lots of yelling instead of effective communication taking place at home?  First, parents were encouraged to select strategies to “turn down the shark music” in their heads; to make sure they are responding in a calmer fashion instead of reacting from their own reptilian brain.  Parenting from a state of fear or anger never works very well. 

     Evans encouraged parents to try several self-regulation strategies when their child is misbehaving:  PAUSE, take some time before you re-actively say or do anything.  Give yourself some time and space to channel your thinking brain; to integrate your emotions with your problem-solving abilities.  Feel free to walk around and say out loud to your child, “I’m really upset right now.  I’m not sure how to respond to what is going on here.  Hmmm.”    SHARE how you are feeling in your body – “Dad is getting frustrated with your behavior.  I can feel my muscles tightening and my voice wanting to yell.  I need to calm down so we can work this out.”  Force yourself to BREATHE slowly for at least 90 seconds (while putting your hand on your belly or your heart) in order to slow down your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and send the message from the vagus nerve back up to your brain that you are not in a survival emergency. 

     REFRAMING your thoughts will also change how you feel emotionally, and therefore change how you respond.  We can begin to “turn down the shark music in our heads” by intentionally changing how we think about our children or the situation.  Instead of thinking of your child as bossy (insert natural leader), as lazy (insert needs encouragement), as rude (insert articulate without thinking first), as fussy (insert selective), as whiney (insert needs reassurance), or as defiant (insert courageous). 

   Secondly, “CHASE THE WHY” behind your child’s behavior and validate whatever they are going through.  What basic human need are they trying to meet right now?  What unmet need do they have that is triggering their intense emotions?  Are they tired, hungry, overstimulated, needing attention and connection, needing choice and autonomy, needing to be reassured?   Parents were encouraged to see if we can identify the major needs and emotions our children are expressing with their behavior.  With their feelings and needs in mind, how can we communicate that we understand what they are going through? “I realize that I typically tell my child to just ‘Stop crying’ instead of naming their emotions for them,” one mother reflected.

     Neathawk continued to coach the parents by suggesting we “communicate comfort, validate their emotions, and listen more than we talk.”  If we truly want to connect with our child, we might say, “I know it is hard to be told ‘no’.  It makes you very angry because you wish you could make this decision all by yourself.  This is really hard for you.”  Responding in a manner that reflects their needs and feelings helps the child regulate their own emotions. 

    We were reminded that whenever someone says “no”, they are saying “yes” to some need that is vitally important to them.  Next time your child says “no”, ask yourself if you are getting defensive and believe you have to either accept the “no” (and give up your needs) or resist it and start an argument?   Instead of focusing on the “no”, look for what your child is saying “yes” to.  If she is hearing a demand, she is likely saying “yes” to her need for autonomy.  At other times, she may be saying “yes” to some other need of hers.  By taking time to find out what is more vital and engaging than what you have asked her to do, you defuse a potentially volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your interest and care.  And when you can connect with her “yes”, she will be more open to hearing what your “yes” is. 

     Thirdly, HOW we communicate is crucial in understanding how our children will receive our words.  If we don’t want to continue to trigger our child’s lizard brain reaction to the situation, we need to be mindful of our volume, tone of voice and body language.    A large adult towering over a child or standing face to face, instead of sitting down or crouching down to their level, keeps the child in their fight or flight mode.  Our facial expressions and our own intense emotions can either help calm our child or get mirrored in the child’s brain and lead to an escalation of emotions. 

     Neathawk suggested trying to direct children in a playful way when they were non-compliant with our requests.  “Let’s act like cheetahs as we go get in the car” instead of “You need to get in your car seat now” when running behind schedule.   This change in tone, while averting a power struggle, helps address the child’s need to be included in the decisions that affect their lives.   

     Evans and Neathawk shared their experience and addressed real life scenarios that all families could relate to.  The fog that blanketed the mountains seemed to gently enfold the families gathered within the school.  Parents begged for more time and guidance.  But bedtime, as always, was calling.

     The final workshop of this Series will be facilitated by Kristen Kron and Carrie Evans.  Join us for No Drama Discipline: Redirecting and Reconnecting on Tuesday, December 3^rd.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org

When our Child's Thinking makes them feel Lousy

     Behind every negative self-talk comment, or anxious child, or feeling of never doing anything right, our kids are only showing us the surface, says Heather Davis of BuildingConfidentKids.com
There's always something deeper going on besides just the symptoms we see on the outside.  We're only getting part of the story....

     So, what do you do as a parent in a situation where your child's mood has shifted? 

      Well, you need to become a detective... but not just any detective.  Remember, there's always motive behind how your child reacts, and it may not even be related to the current situation.  

     Students at Nederland Elementary are learning that their self-talk, thoughts, beliefs and opinions are directly connected to how they feel and then how they act.  

     A child's mood change usually means that they are processing beliefs they have about a situation.   Being a detective doesn't mean we barrage them with questions.  We instead need to help our children hear that SILENT VOICE in their heads that explains their beliefs.  When they are experiencing negative self-talk, they feel lousy and act accordingly.   Beliefs usually determine how a person reacts to adversity and therefore produces the consequences. 

   It is key to ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself?"   "How does my body feel when I think this way?"  and "What am I doing or avoiding because of these beliefs?"  Our negative thinking actually changes our biochemistry and cause us to feel depressed, hopeless, or anxious. 

   Some key points to try when your child's mood has gone sour: 

1.  Ask them "What are you thinking about?"

2.  Identify the things that are consistently pushing their buttons; notice which uncomfortable emotions and behaviors they trigger.

3.  Watch their pattern of reacting.  Do they blame themselves or others?  Do they view their problems as temporary or permanent?  (You'll probably notice some themes.)

4.  One habitual reactions are recognized, you can help your child pull them apart and think of alternatives.  Most of the time focusing on what they did well in a situation or what good came out of  it will start to re-frame their thinking. 

     The other key thing to remember is to ask leading questions that help your child understand the complexity of problems as you guide them step by step through a series of possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions.  

    When we are able to entertain positive, encouraging thoughts about ourselves, others, and the situation, our mood lifts and our actions become more productive.  When we head into a situation assuming the worst, we plant a seed in our mind that that's just the way it is going to be.  But if instead, we re-frame our thinking and change our mindset, we might just be surprised at the domino effect.  Parents can serve as their child's wise Wizard Brain and help insert optimistic thinking into a discouraging or stressful situation. 

     Our prefrontal cortex helps us TALK BACK to the negative thinking that is automatically generated in our reptilian brain.  Our higher order thinking can help a child process these kinds of questions which will help them shift into their Wizard Brain thinking too:

    a.  Is there another way to look at this situation?  Is the glass really half empty or half full?
    b.  Is there anything to be grateful for in this situation?
    c.  Why is the way I'm thinking NOT true?  Can I separate my opinions from the facts?
    d.  Can I separate the person from the problematic behavior they are displaying?
    e.  What can I do to encourage myself and keep being the best person I know how to be?  

     The way we speak to ourselves matters.  Re-framing our thinking an be the difference between being stuck or being flexible, between giving up or being resilient, between low self-esteem or high self-compassion.  So help your child talk to themselves like they would talk to SOMEONE THEY LOVE.

Learning to Accept Imperfection in our Children

   

  "Perfectionism hampers success.  In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis."  

~Brene' Brown

     "Yeah!   A mistake!"  When was the last time you responded that way when your child messed up or didn't do something perfectly the first time around?  Are you operating from your reptilian brain, or your higher brain, when you react to your child's challenges?  According to Dr. Laura Markham, from ahaparenting.com,  "kids need the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.   That's the only place any of us can start from to grow."   Markham goes on to say --

     Most of us judge ourselves harshly.  We're so far from perfect.  We overslept, ate that cake, forgot to return a phone call, snapped at our partner, yelled at our kid, didn't feed him a hot breakfast, hustled him out the door so fast he forgot his homework.  And while we're judging ourselves, how's the kid turning out?   Not so perfect either?   Nothing makes us more anxious than our child having a hard time.

     But perfection is too low a standard.  Why not use love as your yardstick?  Can you forgive yourself for all those inevitable human missteps -- and just keep turning yourself around so you're on the right track again?  Can you remind yourself that your child isn't perfect because he or she is human, and an immature, still developing human at that?

     What kids need from us is the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.  That's the only place any of us can start from to grow.  

     So can you adore your child exactly as he is today?  Sure, you want to guide him, that's your job:  "Let's wait our turn at the slide.... Here's how you work out with your sister how to share the toy....We brush our teeth every night...."   But offering that guidance with humor and understanding is VERY different than guiding from your own FEAR ("Is there something wrong with him?").  Fear shades so quickly into criticism and gives your child the message that somehow he just isn't quite good enough.

     Instead, can you guide today with faith that your child is blossoming and growing all the time, becoming her best self?   What she needs from you, more than teaching, is the emotional nutrients to thrive:  unconditional love, joy in who she is, faith in the friendliness of the universe and in her own goodness and ability to grow.

     So today, use the challenges of life to create love where there wasn't any before.  Let go of fear and perfectionism.  Choose love.  Embrace your imperfect self with compassion.  Meet your child heart to heart, delighting in who he is, imperfections and all.  Focus on all the things you love about him.  Chalk the "imperfections" (yours and your child's) up to learning experiences, and use them to get back on track.

    And start aiming higher than perfection.  Aim for unconditional love.  

     When we are able to love our children unconditionally, we are channeling our higher brain -- the part that allows us to have a compassionate Growth Mindset.  Our higher Wizard Brain helps us realize that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and mistakes aren't the end of the world.  We are all just learning and growing.  Our children's failures are just their First Attempt In Learning  and these attempts are normally riddled with mistakes.  Thinking with a Growth Mindset helps us have more self-compassion as well as compassion for others; more hope, more forgiveness.  This open-minded, flexible mindset helps us tackle the difficulties in our lives and keep on trying.  And we want our children to have this kind of mindset that gives them resilience to keep on going after setbacks.  

     Students at NES are learning about how their reptilian brain can automatically make them think with a Fixed Mindset about themselves and others.  When we face challenges, a fixed mindset creates a negative, often rigid, view of the situation.  It makes us assume that mistakes are catastrophic and people who make mistakes are "bad".  This kind of mindset makes us feel lousy when we do things imperfectly; like we are a failure when something doesn't come easily.  We tend to give up in the face of adversity, or avoid tough situations and people all together.  We assume others won't change and grow from their mistakes.  This rigid, fixed mindset and desire for perfectionism is what Brene' Brown says produces anxiety and depression in us and our children.  

     In order to override our natural tendency to judge ourselves and others, and in order to foster both self-compassion and compassion for others, we parents must try to check our fears at the door.  We must believe in the ability of our children to eventually learn and grow from their experiences without chiding them for every failure.  Just say, "Oops, that didn't work well.  What can we learn from that experience?"  when your child makes the wrong choice.  Their higher order brain which helps them make better decisions is still developing until their mid-to late 20's.  Children would do better, if they knew how.  So today, offer nothing but love.  

   



     

Pausing to Calm Oneself when we are Overwhelmed by our Emotions

     

     Slow Yourself Down and Utilize a Healthy Coping Strategy when you are overwhelmed, upset, or unable to focus.  This is the message your children are learning at school.  Pausing and doing self care gives our brain time to relax and reflect; time to think about how to solve the challenges in our lives.  It moves us from a purely reactive, emotional state into a responsive, problem-solving state of mind.  It allows our nervous system to become more balanced and the emotional and rational parts of our brain to become integrated.  

     Every classroom at Nederland Elementary (and also most classrooms at Nederland Middle School) have a REFOCUS CENTER in them.  This is a place where kids can ask to go for a few minutes when they are worked up, when they've had a disagreement with someone, or when they can't focus on their school work.  There is a quiet place with a soft floor pillow, a reflection manual, and some tools and suggested strategies to select from.  Watch this 2 min video to see how one school has utilized this idea --  Calming Corners in every Classroom 

   Children may appreciate having a similar sort of calming space in your home.  This provides an opportunity for you to introduce healthy calming strategies to your child; to help them soothe and regulate their big emotions instead of being punished for having them.  It is a place to express and experience their feelings through writing, artwork, reading, sensory tools, deep breathing or meditating.  

     Create a calming corner with your child.  Think about where a cozy spot in your house might be.  Think about what calming tools and strategies you might keep in it.  By teaching children that there are healthy options for de-stressing, for feeling their sadness or for working through their frustration, they learn that they can help themselves de-escalate strong emotions.  They have some control when they begin to feel uncomfortable and out of control.  

     Collect some of the following items and help children practice using these strategies to see which ones work best for them in different situations.  Remind children these strategies are "in their toolbox" when they need them.  Talk openly about your favorite healthy strategies for taking care of yourself after a difficult day.  When children notice how we care for ourselves, they can more easily develop self-care practices themselves.  

     Possible Calming Strategies to Try with your Children:

Deep breathing using a pinwheel or bubbles

Deep breathing with a stuffed animal on your belly

Deep breathing while tracing up and down your fingers

Finger breathing (as if you had a Hoberman's Sphere)

Taking a mindful walk outside

Yoga balancing poses

Imagining your favorite place

Picturing the people you care about

Coloring mandalas

Drawing or using watercolors to show how you feel

Saying the alphabet slowly

Remembering the words to a song you love

Running water over your hands

Getting a cool drink of water

Enjoying a hot cup of tea

Rubbing a worry stone or holding a favorite object

Noticing something with all five of your senses

Exercising or doing push ups

Making a fist and then releasing it; massaging the palms of your hands

Talking to yourself in a positive way

Taking a shower or a warm bath

Counting to 100 (backwards)

Listening to music

Tightening, then relaxing muscles from head to toe

Rocking and giving yourself a hug

Watching a glitter jar or liquid timer

Reading about feelings

Playing with your pet or a stuffed animal

Doing a random act of kindness

Listing all the things you are grateful for

Dancing and giggling

Creating with play dough, clay or theraputty

    There are six different approaches to lowering your intense emotions.  See if you can include tools from each of these categories into your child's Cozy Corner:  

    1.  Soothing your amygdala by using your sense of smell, sight, hearing and touch.  Weighted pillows, aromatherapy, liquid timers, soothing music, and sensory toys all fit into this category.

    2.  Moving the emotional energy out of your body.  Exercise, whole body muscle relaxation exercise, a warm bath, tai chi or yoga poses all help release the emotional tension in your body.

    3.  Doing an action to create the opposite emotion within yourself.  Listing things you are grateful for, playing with a pet, dancing and reading jokes, singing your favorite song, imagining your happy place and people who love you are all ways to increase your happiness and decrease uncomfortable feelings.

   4.  Deep breathing is the #1 best way to lower BIG emotions and get you out of the fight or flight mode.  Find fun ways to practice slowing down your breath -- elephant breathing, bumble bee breathing, breathing boards to trace, blowing bubbles, etc.

    5.  Expressing and processing your emotions.  Writing or drawing how you feel, talking to a supportive person, and noticing where in your body you are feeling uncomfortable can help you experience the emotion and let it pass through your body. 

    6. Temporarily distracting yourself.  Doing a puzzle or Rubix cube, sudoku, coloring, cleaning your room, or watching a short video can help you pause and give your Wizard Brain time to catch up with your emotional reaction.