Seeing the World through the Eyes of Others ~ building Empathy in Children

 See what I see, hear what I hear,

feel what I feel, then maybe you'll understand,

why I do what I do.

     Empathy is the ability to understand someone else's thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, motivations, and intentions.  Children learn empathy through face-to face interactions.  This begins when they are infants and learn that when they smile, their caretaker smiles.  The skill of being able to understand someone else's perspective continues to develop through face-to-face interactions as children grow.

     It is interesting to see how the rise of technology has led to a significant decrease in face-to-face interactions.  Many children would prefer to play with their parent's phone than engage in face-to-face conversation.  And yet, when children have repeated eye contact with others, they begin to recognize them as a person with feelings.  When they can begin to learn this perspective, it decreases their desire to be unkind to other kids.  

     There are some concrete ways to nurture your child's blossoming ability to have empathy for others:

1.  Point out the various facial expressions and body language of others around you.  Ask your child, "How do you suppose they are feeling?" when you notice a child in the park, a new neighbor, an elderly person, a grocery clerk, or a homeless person on the sidewalk.  It is by practicing mindful observations of others that the child strengthens the neural pathways in their prefrontal cortex and they become increasingly attuned to important social cues and details," says counselor Theresa Keller.

2.  Consider the unique perspective and tone of voice of others during a fun game or art project.   During dinner, take turns role playing by talking like various relatives and celebrities as you insert their name and perspective into this sentence:  "If  ___ came to dinner,  s/he would say....."  

Parent: Your teacher, Ms. Sue, is here for dinner. What would she say?
Child: "This is a nice dinner" (in a sweet, high-pitched voice)
Parent: Your three-year-old cousin has arrived for dinner. What would he say?
Child: "I don't like hot dogs!" (with a whiny voice)
Parent: Your cool, uncle Jeremiah sits down at the table. What does he say?
Child: "Hey mon, how ya doing?" ( in a deep, jazzy tone)

In Ms. B's art class this week, children drew the world from the perspective of an ant. Try drawing other perspectives with your child ~ What does our world look like from an alien's perspective in outer space, from the world of a baby in a crib, from the eyes of your dog?

3.  Restate each child's perspective when siblings have conflicts, recommends Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com).  Try to identify what each of them want, what they think, and what they're feeling.  As children advance in these skills, help each child express their own feelings and needs to the other child.  See if the listener can repeat or reframe what they heard to check for clarity.  

4.  Give your child your full attention when they are upset.  When your child is totally ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait.  Your child knows when you're really listening and are totally present.  She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to listen and don't.  Turn off your cell phone.  Turn off your screen.  She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the cell phone or TV just to listen to her.  In turn, your child will learn the importance of being truly "in the moment" when empathizing with others.

5.  Demonstrate to your child how to be empathetic even when they're defiant.  Cecila Hilkey from HappilyFamily demonstrates how:

6.   Practice doing Random Acts of Kindness with your children.   The more they practice kind acts, the easier it becomes for children to recognize when people are in need.  Brain research demonstrates that people who practice acts of kindness and compassion are better at recognizing and identifying emotions in others.  And the pay off works in multiple ways.  Studies show that our brains are rewarded by a release of dopamine (the feel good, motivating, rewarding chemicals) during our acts of kindness.  

7.  Don't be afraid to offer a "Do-Over."  When things start to go south between you and your child, slow everything down, take several deep breaths, apologize for your part of the escalation, and suggest a "do-over".  "Let's take a break and then come back and try again to understand each other."  Kids love to pretend, says Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparening.com).  Children instinctively use play to heal emotional wounds.  And they love the idea that together you can rewrite the script to create a better ending.  So Do-Overs can be the perfect way to repair when you're off track.  They acknowledge that we aren't always empathetic ~ but we're family, and we'll always circle back and work things out.

 8.    Realize that a child's big emotions aren't really about you.   As parents, "let's realize when our child's fear is talking....their anxiety is talking.... their despair and hopelessness is talking," says Rachel Strafford (Only Love Today).  When we do, this allows us to respond to the hurting person in ways we couldn't before,  Lean into your child this week and feel what they are feeling underneath their awkward, sometimes irritating behaviors and expressions.  If you can speak to that underlying emotion, they will feel heard and understood.  They will be able to turn things around.  And hopefully, they will soon begin to respond in that same empathetic way to someone else.  

    

Random Acts of Kindness by parents

Fostering Kindness in our Children

     Courtney Byrne shares how she  takes time to help her children explicitly learn the social skills of kindness and compassion:

     Last school year, I asked the same question each day on the drive home from school:  "What did you do today that was kind?"  It started for a few different reasons, but caught on and turned into more of an important conversation-starter than I expected.

     If there's one thing all our schools could use (and really, the world in general), it's more kindness, so I decided to share this daily ritual we have and why I hope to continue it for years to come.

     Before I lose you, I want to paint a clear picture of the scene in our car every day when we talked about kindness.  I don't want you to dismiss this because it seems like another post written by a calm put-together mom sharing words on how to make your children behave like her lovely calm children.

     I am not a calm mother who never yells.  My kids are not calm children either and exhibit their fair share of naughty behavior.  I drive a minivan, and it's a disaster.  When the girls would hop into it after school, they'd start tossing everything from school papers to lunch box leftovers.  They'd usually start fighting over something and usually one or both of their little brothers would be screaming or crying because I woke them from a nap to pick their sisters up from school.  I'm trying to paint a picture of our car - and my mental state at school pickup - and I'm hoping that's coming together for you.

     I'd ask the girls how their day was, usually in a not-so-friendly kind of annoyed tone.  I'd get a "good" and nothing else.  One day, on a whim, I said, "Tell me something kind you did today."  It changed the tone in the car almost immediately.  I asked again the next day, and then it stuck.  I didn't remember to ask everyday.  Sometimes we skipped it.  Sometimes the girls came into the car beaming with excitement becauue they had something "kind" to share before I even asked.

     Here's how this daily question changed our conversations:

1.  It made for a positive way to discuss the day.  We were in an after-school rut.  It felt like a car of grumpy babies, toddlers, kids, and mom.  This helped us feel a lot more positive in the car.  For me, as tired as I was, hearing my girls cheerfully tell me simple things like, "I gave Sarah my glue stick when I saw hers ran out" made me feel more cheerful too.

2.  It helped them comfortably bring up times when people were unkind.  The first time I heard "Well, let me tell you about who wasn't kind today, Mom," I replied with a "This is about good things.  Tell me good things that happened first." Then I thought about it:  If the question about kindness helps them identify when people are unkind and helps them talk to me about it, that's actually a good thing.  So if our daily kindness chat is a place that they are comfortable telling me when they felt sad at school, we'll go with that too.

3.  It helped me explain how sometimes what we think is the right thing can actually be the wrong thing.  For example, "Mom, I did something really kind today.  I told Sarah that if she would just start believing in Jesus, then Santa would come to her house.  Isn't that great?"  While her intentions were good, that's obviously not okay.  It gave me reason to explain different religions and how people have different beliefs is a wonderful thing, and not something we should try to change.  Another example:  "I was kind today when I screamed at Sarah for being mean to Jane and told her no one is ever going to play with her again because she is mean."  Again, while sticking up for people is kind, there's a right and wrong way to do it.  This is a great time to explain the difference.  It's brought about many life lessons in an orgainc way, and that's been helpful for all of us.

4.  It helped me plan for a better "next day."  There were days that I got a very, very grumpy "I did nothing kind today," which is okay too.  People aren't awesome and kind every day.  We all have bad days sometimes.  They need to know that it's normal to feel this way.  Our daily kindness chat helped me know when they had a "not so great" day at school and gave me the opportunity to prep them to have a better day tomorrow.

5.  It's a good way to raise kind people.  Knowing your kid's grades and how they are doing academically is important, but I don't think it needs to be the first thing you ask after school.  While it's tempting to ask "How much homework do you have?"  or "What did you get on the spelling test?"  focusing on kindness instead really made a positive difference for us.  I want my kids to think that being a good person is going to make them more successful than anything else.  By asking them how they were kind before inquiring about their academic performance, I hope they will begin to understand the importance of being a caring person.

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    As parent-teacher conferences occur in a few weeks, feel free to ask your child's teacher about the social emotional skills your child is developing.  The FIVE skill-building areas they are practicing during "BrainWise" lessons are:
     Becoming more Self Aware of their thoughts, emotions, needs, strengths & challenges,
     Being able to  Self Regulate their thoughts,emotions, words, and actions, 
     Becoming more Socially Aware of other's feelings, needs, and perspectives,
     Developing positive friendship & Relationship Skills (communication, kindness, &
     conflict resolution, and
     Learning the process for making Ethical Decisions.  

MLK's Call to Action Today: Unlearning Implicit Bias

     Our world seems very divided and polarized.  Here are some Social Emotional Learning strategies (offered by Jennifer Miller of confidentparentsconfidentkids.com) for unlearning our implicit bias:

Conduct a safety self-test to raise self-awareness. 

For a week, each time you go to a coffee house, restaurant or bank, notice how you interact with others. Who do you say hi to? Who do you feel safe with? What is the color of their skin? Intentionally say “hi” or act kindly to others who look different from you and check your feelings. Safe, unsafe? This will raise your awareness that you may have work to do to address your implicit bias toward others.

Become intentional about changing your thinking habits to increase self-management. 

Now choose the following two weeks (since it takes at least two weeks to create new thinking habits) to create new ways of thinking when you are interacting in your community. As you go about your day and encounter others, intentionally seek out those who felt “unsafe” to you when you conducted your audit. In the quick moment of interaction, utter in your mind, “safe,” to begin to turn around your perception. As you walk away, ask yourself, “what’s their back story?” Imagine the most empathetic, compassionate back story of pain, struggle, endurance, courage and kindness as you consider their story. Cultivate a character in your mind who is endearing and beloved as you watch his life movie.

Seek interaction with other races, cultures, genders, or same sex partners to cultivate social awareness and create relationships.

Numerous research studies have demonstrated that as individuals get to know a person who differs from them, their biases are shattered, and they feel greater compassion for the “other.” Increased interaction helps us view people as individuals. So on daily errands, become intentional about creating small talk with those from other races, cultures, or LGBTQ. How can you generate conversation, get to know something about that individual, and help shatter your own implicit bias? Consider the multiplying effect of doing this with your child by your side. Your child will not only experience your modeling but also, learn with you about another individual in their community with whom they would not normally interact.

Participate in service as a family to activate your responsible decision-making skills. 

“Everybody can be great because anybody can serve,” is a favorite quote from Martin Luther King Jr. Each time you sign up to serve your own or another community, you have a chance to dispel implicit bias. Whether it’s serving dinner to a homeless population or bringing supplies to shut-in seniors, you’ll have the opportunity to interact with individuals you may never encounter in your daily routine while showing care for them. Include your family and all will have the chance to enact kindness and come away feeling nourished and cared about from those you’ve served as is always the experience with genuine service.

May we not become complacent or point the blame at others for the lack of understanding and acceptance of some humans. As parents, we are called to address implicit bias as a core responsibility of raising the next generation. How can we become inspired by the model of Martin Luther King Jr. to take action in our lives to change the world?  How can I make a difference?

*Or take it one step further:  Take your child to a rally or demonstration, or join the work of an organization working on behalf of a social justice issue.  Model how you have decided to actively improve the lives of others with your time and energy.  💗

Instead of "Say You're Sorry"~ How to Help Kids Create Genuine Apologies

   

     Michelle Woo, lifehacker.com, was amazed as she toured different schools.  She visited one where she observed the kids out on the playground.  While climbing the ladder on the slide, a young boy accidentally stepped on another child's finger, and she started crying.  The boy went up to the child, looked her in the eyes and asked, "Are you okay?   Can I get you a wet towel?"   She wiped her tears, shook her head no, and they both went back to playing.  Michelle looked on in amazement at the skill set just demonstrated.  The director of the school explained, "We don't make kids say 'sorry.'  The word doesn't mean much without an action to help make things better."

     Woo goes on to explain ~  The exchange was such a departure from what I was used to seeing among parents, who tend to force apologies from their children for every accidental bump, whack, and knock-down of a just-built Lego masterpiece.  Usually, they'll give the kid a stern look and ask, "Hey, what do you say?"  Then, when the child mutters a robotic "sorry", all is good.

     But this approach might be mostly meaningless, writes Heather Shumaker in her book It's OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids.  Children love the word "sorry," Shumaker explains, as it magically lets them off the hook.  "It's a little like teaching kids to be hit-and-run drivers," she writes.  The problem with the "sorry" solution is that parents are missing a key opportunity to teach real empathy and accountability.  Genuine remorse requires the ability to take another person's perspective and fully understand cause and effect.  These skills are still emerging in young children and must continue to be nurtured and developed in older children.

     Parents can help kids develop moral compassion by explaining that their actions have consequences, showing that they can do something to make things better and modeling ways to use the word "sorry" meaningfully.  

     For everyday accidents, Shumaker offers these steps:

BRING THE KIDS TOGETHER
     Sometimes, when children believe they're about to be in trouble, they run.  If this happens, you can put an arm around the child, and say something like, "You need to come back here.  Callie got hurt.  Even if you didn't mean to do it, she got hurt, and you need to come back."

TELL THE CHILD WHO CAUSED THE ACCIDENT WHAT HAPPENED, AND BE SPECIFIC
     Even when what happened seems obvious, it needs to be pointed out to a young child.  State the facts.  "Your shopping cart ran over her toe."  "Your hand knocked the cup of water onto her painting."   "You were dancing and your arm whacked her face."

MODEL EMPATHY FOR THE HURT CHILD
     Ask the child:  "Are you okay?"

TAKE ACTION
     While little kids may not fully understand remorse, they are good at taking action.  They can run to grab a Band-Aid or an ice pack, or help clean up the mess they made.  Help them take responsibility.

MAKE A GUARANTEE
    "Reassurance that it won't happen again means something.  "Sorry" does not.  To reestablish trust among kids, Shumaker writes, have the child who caused the accident make a guarantee to the other child that they will do things differently next time.  Help the child specify how they will act or talk differently if the same situation occurs again.  Help them utilize their Wizard Brain to think through how they would approach the situation again if they had a chance for a do-over.

MODEL SAYING "SORRY" IN YOUR OWN LIFE
     Instead of making children say "sorry,"  Shumaker writes it is more effective to model saying sorry when you as a parent mess up.  That means acknowledging the consequences of your actions and taking steps to make things better.  For example, "I'm sorry I forgot to bring your teddy bear to school today.  You missed him during nap time.  I'm writing it down on my list so I will remember next time."

   Students at NES are learning the 5 steps to Offering a Genuine Apology when they make a mistake or hurt someone.  These steps help to restore the damaged relationship and give children concrete ways to sincerely apologize when they have messed up:

     1.  Look at the person and use a sincere tone of voice.
     2.  Say "I'm sorry" for exactly what you said or did (not vaguely "when I was mean".)
     3.  Demonstrate you know how the other person feels.
     4.  Say what you will do differently next time.
     5.  Take steps to make it right with them.  

   
     TEENS, Inc has a saying that guides interactions every day:   By Seeking and Blundering, We Learn.  All humans make mistakes and mess up.  We impact others in a negative way.  What is important is to learn from those interactions and choices.  Take responsibility for what you did.  Apologize.  Brainstorm ways to do it better next time.  Make amends.  Forgive yourself and Try Again.  Go beyond "sorry."

    d

Helping your Child Make and Keep Friends

 

   In elementary school, alliances often shift.  Some children seem to easily find a welcoming group of friends; others struggle to get along or to find other kids who share their interests.  Some children make a best friend; many wish they could. According to Dr. Laura Markham, ahaparenting.com, here's how you can help your child take their social skills up a notch and work through issues with friends and peers.

     1.  Listen when he has peer challenges, which all kids do.
If you tell him what to do, you aren't helping him learn.  Instead, help him to clarify his feelings and to problem solve the issue.

    2.  Don't take sides when she fights with her friends.
Listen to her views and empathize with her feelings, but resist the impulse to demonize the other child.  If you suspect your child is being unfair, try wondering with her about the other child's point of view:

"I wonder what was going on with Angelina that she said such mean things....I wonder if maybe she got her feelings hurt when you and Jing Lin wouldn't join her club?"

   3.  Help her learn how to express her needs without attacking the other person.  
This is a challenge for all of us, so kids need our guidance, and to practice.  So when your daughter yells "You're too bossy!" at her friend, you might say "You sound really mad at Isadora....Can you tell her what you want, instead of  what you think about her?"

   4.  Coach him to stand up for himself.

Every child needs this skill.  Some will need more role playing than others. 

 "It sounds like you want to tell Josh that you like to wrestle with him, but you need some rules to feel safe, like STOP means STOP?  That can be a hard thing to say to a friend.  Let's practice it together so you feel more comfortable."

   5.  Avoid negating your child's perception of another person.
Instead, reflect and help clarify.  For instance, instead of saying "I don't think Keisha meant to be mean to you, and of course you can't disinvite her to your party," try empathy:

"It sounds like when Keisha said that in front of the other kids, it really embarrassed and hurt you.  You think she did it on purpose, and it makes you so mad you don't even want her at your party?"

With this kind of emotional support, she should be able to get past her hurt and anger and make a better decision about how to proceed.

   6.  Make it a habit to acknowledge and reflect feelings instead of dismissing them.
Often, we parents have such a hard time seeing our child in pain that we get angry at the other child.  We say things like:   "He's not a good friend to you.  Let it go and find another friend."

Comments that tell our kids to just get over someone that they've cared about, or a hurt they've suffered, simply dismiss our child's legitimite feelings and keep the child stuck in hurt and anger.  Instead try to keep your own upset feelings in check and empathize with your child:  "Having your friend say something like that could really hurt."  

This way, he gets to fully feel his emotions.  That might mean he gets more upset momentarily, but when he gets a chance to feel the emotions, they begin to dissapate.  Once he feels better, he can begin to do better problem-solving, whether that means talking to the friend or ending the friendship.

   7.  Bossiness is often a challenge with early elementary schoolers.
All children want to get their own way -- but they still want other kids to play with them.  Learning to negotiate is a critical skill at this age.  Try asking questions to guide your child to solve the problem:

"Is it more important to you to play the game your way or to have Catherine play with you?"

When another child is bossy, your child may need some suggestions from you about tactful ways to negotiate with her friends.  Help her with scripts:

"I really want to play with you Jasmine, but we've been playing dress up all morning and I don't feel like it anymore.  What can we do that we both want to do?"

   8.  Help him think through various problem-solving options.

Often, once kids work through their feelings, they know what action to take.  But if he doesn't, help him brainstorm.

   9.  If your child is having a hard time, consider what kind of support will help.

For instance, some kids don't pick up on social cues and need help learning specific skills, like how to join a group.  Others don't listen to their friend's ideas, or physically get into each other's space.  Observe your child when he or she plays with other children, and see if you can pin point what skills they are lacking.  Reading books about social skills with your child can be helpful, as long as your child feels like you are partnering with her to support her, rather than trying to "fix" her.  

A truly happy child has at least one good friend.  We may assume that children know how to approach and talk to friends, but if your child struggles to make friends, check out these books:

Responding to an Angry Child

"The truth about rage is that it only dissolves 

when it is really heard and understood, 

without reservation."  ~ Carl Rogers

     Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) shares a 

     Game Plan for when your child gets angry:  

     Many parents send an angry child to her room to "calm down."  After all, what else can we do?  We certainly can't reason with her when she is furious.  It's no time to teach lessons or ask for an apology.  But if we just send our angry child to his room, he will eventually calm down, but he will also have gotten some clear messages about anger:

     ~No one is listening to what's upsetting you,

     ~No one is going to help you solve the problem you're experiencing,

     ~You're being bad because you feel angry at us,

     ~Your anger scares us,

     ~When you're angry, the best thing to do is stuff those feelings.

     What can we do instead of sending these messages?  We can help our children learn to manage their anger responsibly.  Most of us have a hard time picturing what that looks like.  Quite simply, responsible anger management begins with accepting our anger -- but refraining from acting on it by lashing out at others.  There's always a way to express what we need without attacking the other person.  

     This is one of the most critical tasks of childhood -- learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive (Lizard Brain) anger.  People who can do this are able to work things out with others and manage themselves to achieve their goals.  We call them emotionally intelligent.  Children develop emotional intelligence when we teach them that all their feelings are okay, but they always have a choice about how they act.  Here's how to do that.

Watch How one patient dad calmly responded to his child's tantrum

     When your child gets angry:

1.  Keep yourself from moving into "fight or flight" by taking a few deep breaths and reminding yourself that there's no emergency.  This models emotional regulation and helps your child feel safer, so she doesn't have to fight so hard.  

2.  Don't get hooked by rudeness and personal attacks.  She feels hurt and scared and powerless, so she's pulling out the most upsetting thing she can think of, so you'll know how upset she is.  Just say "Ouch!  You must be so upset to say that to me.  Tell me why you're upset.  I'm listening."

3.  Listen.  Try to see it from his point of view.  Often, when people don't feel heard, they escalate.  By contrast, when your child feels understood, he'll begin to feel calmer -- even when he doesn't get his way.  

4.  Acknowledge the anger, and the additional emotions underneath it.  The more compassionate you can be, the more likely your child will find his way to the tears and fears under the anger:  "Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard...You're saying I never understand you.... that must feel so terrible and lonely."  (Listen for hurt, sadness, embarrassment, fear and anxiety underneath the anger.)

5.  Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe.  "You're so mad!   You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not okay, not matter how upset you are.  You can stomp to show me how mad you are."  (Doing something physically active will help release the surge of cortisol rushing through his body.  Stomping, running, push-ups, jumping jacks -- rather than simulating punching-- will help disperse the angry energy that has to go somewhere.)

6.  If your child is in full melt down, don't talk except to empathize and reassure her that she is safe.  Don't try to teach, reason or explain.  Just acknowledge how upset she is:  "You are so upset about this.... I'm sorry it is so hard."

7.  Remind yourself that intense anger is nature's way of helping immature brains let off steam.  Children don't have the frontal cortex neural pathways to control themselves as we do.  The best way to help children develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, while they're angry or upset.  It's ok -- good, actually-- for your child to express those tangled, angry, hurt feelings.  After we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting.  They feel less wound-up inside.  They aren't rigid and demanding.  

8.  Stay as close as you can.  Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry.  If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I'm keeping us both safe, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here.  Whenever you are ready for a hug, I'm right here."  If he yells at you to "Go away! say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back, ok?  I wont leave you alone with these scary feelings, but I'm moving back."

9.  Don't try to evaluate whether his is overreacting.  Of course he's overreacting.  When children get whiny and impossible to please, they usually just need to cry.  (Validate what he is feeling instead of trying to minimize it and the tears may begin to flow.)

10.  After he's calmed down, you can talk.  Resist the urge to lecture.  Tell a story to help him put his big wave of emotion in context.  Most young children want to hear the story of how they got mad and cried, as long as it's a story, not a lecture.  It helps them understand themselves, and makes them feel heard.  

11.  Create a teachable moment.  Recognize that part of your child wants to make a better choice next time.  Align with that part instead of using shame and blame.  Give her a chance to practice a better solution to her problem:

     "When we get really angry, like you were at your sister, we forget how much we love the other person.  They look like they're our enemy. Right?  You were so very mad at her.  We all get mad like that and when we are very mad, we feel like hitting someone.  But if we do, later we're sorry that we hurt someone.  We wish we could have used our words.  I wonder what else you could have said or done, instead of hitting and calling names?"

     Gradually, your child will learn to verbalize his feelings and needs without attacking the other person -- even when he is furious.  You will have taught him to manage his emotions.  And you'll have strengthened, rather than eroded, your bond with him.  All by taking a deep breath and staying compassionate in the face of rage.  You won't always be able to pull this off.  But every time you do, you'll be helping your child grow the neural pathways for a more emotionally intelligent brain.