Practicing Empathetic Listening with Children

     Students have been practicing mindfully  listening to others with their whole bodies in order to detect the underlying feelings and needs that the speaker is conveying.  The best way for children to learn this social skill is for the adults in their lives to respond to them with empathy.    Try asking your child how they use every part of their body to listen to others.....

Empathy: Foundation of Emotional Health 

By Dr. Laura Markham  AhaParenting.com

When a parent bestows the gift of empathy on a child, that visceral connection changes everything.

I see parents and children make breakthroughs every day. And guess what makes the most difference? Empathy. If we can actually see things from our child's perspective, everything changes.

This doesn't mean agreeing with our child, or letting him do whatever he wants just because we understand why he wants to. But it does mean that while our child doesn't get everything she wants, she gets something better: Someone who understands and accepts her, no matter what. It also means that once we understand our child's perspective, we can intervene to help her meet the needs that she was trying to meet all along, from connection to feeling valued. 

Empathy is the foundation of emotional intelligence; it’s also the foundation of effective parenting, according to John Gottman, the author of Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Why? Because it’s essential to your ability to understand your child and connect with her. Because it will prevent you from visiting on your child all the issues from your own childhood. And because without it, your child simply won’t feel loved, no matter how much you love her.

Empathy is often defined as seeing things from the other person’s point of view. But empathy is actually a physical event, controlled by the insula in our right brain. The structure of the right brain is formed during the first two years of life, before your baby becomes verbal. Scientists suspect that the right brain is the orchestrator of intimacy. The insula connects the brain with the heart, digestive organs, and skin. 

So when our heart leaps, or our stomach turns, or our skin crawls, the insula is sending us a message. And when we feel deep empathy, we feel it in our bodies. That means a more accurate definition of empathy is “feeling” from the other person’s point of view.

Empathy strengthens the relationship bond. Empathy helps the child to feel understood, less alone with her pain and suffering. Empathy heals. And the experience of empathy teaches the little one about the deepest ways that humans connect, providing her with a launching pad for every future relationship.

How do children develop empathy? It happens naturally, as part of healthy emotional development, as long as children experience empathy from their caretakers. That's why parenting with empathy is a double gift to your child: In addition to your empathy helping him learn to manage his emotions, experiencing your empathy will also help him to develop empathy for others. This giving of empathy is also a gift to you, because children who feel your empathy are much more cooperative in accepting your guidance. Translation: It makes parenting a lot easier!

But most parents find the idea of parenting with empathy anxiety-producing. How exactly do you “do” it?

You already know. Every time you say, “I know how you feel” or “Looks like you had a hard day,” you’re being empathic. Every time you rise above your own feelings to see things from your child’s point of view, that’s empathy.

Sounds simple, right? Then why is empathy so powerful? Imagine empathy as a mirror that you hold up to your child. Your acknowledgment of what he’s feeling helps him to recognize and accept his own feelings, which is what allows them to resolve.

Humans are creatures of passion. Emotions are constantly arising within us, influencing our moods and actions, and then passing away. Think of the strongest emotions you’ve felt in the past month, and then imagine how powerful your child’s emotions are, given his inexperience and intellectual immaturity. Kids are swept with passionate feelings many times a day. They need their parents to help them learn to navigate this world of emotion, so that they don’t get swamped by its intensity. Most of the time, when children (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. We don’t have to act on them, or even to like them, merely to acknowledge their presence.

Repressed feelings, on the other hand, don't fade away, as feelings do that have been acknowledged. Repressed feelings are trapped and looking for a way out. Because they aren't under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a preschooler socks her sister, or a seven year old has nightmares, or an eleven year develops a nervous tic.

Our acceptance of his emotions teaches our child that his emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. Everyone has felt this, there’s even a name for it! He feels understood and accepted. He learns that he isn’t alone to cope with the crush of his powerful emotions.                   What Empathy Isn’t:

Permissiveness.

You can (and should) set limits as necessary. And then acknowledge his unhappiness about those limits. Don't be defensive. It's important to your child that you're able to tolerate his disappointment and anger at you, and that you love him even when he's not in touch with his love for you.

Solving the problem.

Your goal is to let him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself, not to solve it for him. When he expresses his feelings about something, you'll want to listen and acknowledge, rather than jumping in with solutions. That means you'll have to manage your own anxiety about the issue.

Agreeing.

Accepting his feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You are showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.

Probing.

"Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she's showing you.

Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up.

I promise you, empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just pushes it under to resurface later. After she has a chance to notice, accept, and express the feeling, she will feel ready to move on to a change of scene and topic. And you've given her the message that ALL of her is acceptable, including her yucky feelings.

Arguing with the feeling.

That just invalidates him.

                                What Empathy Is:

Listening without the pressure to solve anything.

Don't take it personally. Breathe. Detach.

Acknowledging and Reflecting.

 "You sure are angry at your brother." or
"You seem worried about the field trip today."

Resonating.

Match your reaction with his mood. Being a bit downcast because his team lost the soccer game doesn't merit a reaction from you as if someone had died. Similarly, mechanically parroting "It can be hard when your boyfriend splits up with you" is likely to evoke hysteric rage from your teen.

"When children feel understood, their loneliness and hurt diminish. When children are understood, their love for their parent is deepened. A parent's sympathy serves as emotional first aid for bruised feelings. When we genuinely acknowledge a child's plight and voice her disappointment, she often gathers the strength to face reality."  -Haim Ginott

Parenting the Upset Child with Empathetic Responses

What Your Child Wishes You Knew 

When S/he Acts Out by Dr. Laura Markham

"Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm overwhelmed with some big feelings here....I don't know what to do with them... They're bubbling up inside me and I feel so scared and sad and mad...I'll do anything to make these feelings go away, including hit someone... No, don't you come close offering me hugs... that would send me right into tears... I feel safe when I'm with you, and that makes all these feelings even more intense. It must be your fault I'm feeling all these bad feelings! I'll drive you away by any means necessary!"

Don't you wish your child could just TELL you she's feeling this way, instead of screaming "I hate you, you're the worst Mom (or Dad) in the world!"?

But when your child is "acting out," it's because she CAN'T articulate those feelings. The only thing she can do is "act them out."  It's her way of sending you an SOS. 

So next time your child misbehaves, remind yourself that you're his emotion coach. He doesn't understand these big feelings that are overwhelming him and driving his bad behavior. He needs your help to feel those tears and fears he's been stuffing all day, all week, all year. Once you help him feel safe enough to let those feelings up and out, they'll melt away. He'll feel so much better. Which means he'll act so much better.

How?  Empathize. "You seem so upset. You didn't want ________. You wish that______ . Do I have that right?"

That might be enough to get him cooperating. Or maybe he'll launch into an anguished account of how unfair life is, and what a terrible parent you are. This isn't disrespect. This is your child communicating his pain in the only way he knows how. Just listen, nod, and acknowledge. "So you feel like I'm being unfair when..... No wonder you're upset.... You wish I would....." You don't have to change your decision. Just acknowledge his perspective.

Then give him a hug and say "Sweetie, Thanks for explaining that to me. I see your view now and I see why you're upset.... I'm sorry we can't do it your way. This is the way it is this time, because it's important to me that _____________. But I do hear you. Let me think about this, and we'll talk about it again."

Often, just feeling understood is enough to defuse your child's upset. Over time, as she learns that you really will think about it and look for win/win solutions, she'll be more likely to go along with your requests at this point.

But what if her response to your empathy is to get more upset? That just means the feelings are big and she needs your help to go through them. How? Play when you can, on a daily basis, or before an upset is big. Otherwise, Cry when you have to.

1. Play.  Giggling vents the same anxieties (which means fears and stresses) that crying does.  And it's so much more fun!  Every child needs a roughhousing session of giggling every day, just for emotional maintenance. 

Physical play releases oxytocin and other bonding hormones, so it reconnects you with your child and repairs the erosion in your relationship that's caused by daily life. If the giggling comes from games that help your child process fears (like peekaboo or chase games), it also works directly on any backlog of emotion. And if your child is acting up, sometimes keeping your sense of humor and setting the limit playfully is enough to help her feel reconnected, so she wants to cooperate. "Whoa, Girlfriend! Shoes don't go on the couch! What do you think this is, a barn? Moooo....Mooo.....!" might be the perfect playful intervention to get your kid laughing as she takes her shoes off and begins making animal noises with you. Crisis averted, connection repaired.

(Please note: Tickling doesn't seem to provide this release; it's automatic physiology, as opposed to the psychological process that happens when mild fear releases through giggling. And tickling, even when children giggle, often makes kids feel powerless. The child may seem to be having fun, but she can't HELP laughing. If your child begs for tickling, try "threatening" to tickle by moving your hand close but not making contact. That will still elicit the giggles, but they're psychological, not physical.)

2. Cry. But what if your child is so wound-up that a playful overture would make him mad? Then he's past the point where play can help.  It's time to cry. 

Behind that anger, tears are already welling up.  If you can help him feel safe enough, he'll go past the anger to the healing tears that will wash away all his upset. 

How do you help him feel safe?  Compassion. Don't take anything he says personally. Don't let your buttons get pushed. Don't feel that you have to "correct" his rudeness -- there will be time for that later. Instead, get in touch with your deep love for him and summon up as much kindness as you can.  Then empathize. "This is hard, I know.....I'm sorry,  Honey. I see how unhappy this makes you."

He may yell back at you. That's okay. Stay compassionate. "You must be so upset to use that tone of voice with me. What's wrong, Honey?"  If you can stay compassionate, rather than attacking back, he will probably burst into tears.  Welcome them.  Hold him, if he'll let you. Don't try to talk. Breathe and remind yourself that your role is to help him cry by providing an emotional safe space. Talking would shut off the tears, and he needs to get them out.

If he stops crying, remind him of whatever limit is making him angry: "I'm so sorry we can't do that right now."  As long as he's crying, your goal is to tap into as much upset as you can, to help him empty that full backpack of feelings that have been making him so demanding or rigid.

Should you reprimand him for disrespect? No. Just create safety. Later, he'll probably apologize without prompting.

I know, your childhood training didn't really prepare you for this.  You were probably told to stop crying when you were little--maybe not so sweetly.  So your child's crying may well make you anxious, ready to shut it down at any cost. 

But emotions only go away once we feel them.  Until we do, they're stuck in the body, bubbling up and driving behavior. So your child really needs you to accept his emotions and help him breathe his way through them.  That's the path back to his natural sense of well-being and connection, the only foundation from which he can choose to "act right."

Your child can't tell you this.  But next time s/he acts out, you'll know.

NES students have been practicing using Whole Body Mindful Listening skills to empathize with each other.  We are reflecting back and summarizing the feelings and needs underlying what another person has said or shown us.  You can help your child develop EMPATHY FOR OTHERS by utilizing a compassionate response to their strong feelings (as noted above in the reposting of Dr. Laura Markham’s AhaParenting.com article).

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor NES, Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc  ann@teensinc.org