Helping your Child Make and Keep Friends

 

   In elementary school, alliances often shift.  Some children seem to easily find a welcoming group of friends; others struggle to get along or to find other kids who share their interests.  Some children make a best friend; many wish they could. According to Dr. Laura Markham, ahaparenting.com, here's how you can help your child take their social skills up a notch and work through issues with friends and peers.

     1.  Listen when he has peer challenges, which all kids do.
If you tell him what to do, you aren't helping him learn.  Instead, help him to clarify his feelings and to problem solve the issue.

    2.  Don't take sides when she fights with her friends.
Listen to her views and empathize with her feelings, but resist the impulse to demonize the other child.  If you suspect your child is being unfair, try wondering with her about the other child's point of view:

"I wonder what was going on with Angelina that she said such mean things....I wonder if maybe she got her feelings hurt when you and Jing Lin wouldn't join her club?"

   3.  Help her learn how to express her needs without attacking the other person.  
This is a challenge for all of us, so kids need our guidance, and to practice.  So when your daughter yells "You're too bossy!" at her friend, you might say "You sound really mad at Isadora....Can you tell her what you want, instead of  what you think about her?"

   4.  Coach him to stand up for himself.

Every child needs this skill.  Some will need more role playing than others. 

 "It sounds like you want to tell Josh that you like to wrestle with him, but you need some rules to feel safe, like STOP means STOP?  That can be a hard thing to say to a friend.  Let's practice it together so you feel more comfortable."

   5.  Avoid negating your child's perception of another person.
Instead, reflect and help clarify.  For instance, instead of saying "I don't think Keisha meant to be mean to you, and of course you can't disinvite her to your party," try empathy:

"It sounds like when Keisha said that in front of the other kids, it really embarrassed and hurt you.  You think she did it on purpose, and it makes you so mad you don't even want her at your party?"

With this kind of emotional support, she should be able to get past her hurt and anger and make a better decision about how to proceed.

   6.  Make it a habit to acknowledge and reflect feelings instead of dismissing them.
Often, we parents have such a hard time seeing our child in pain that we get angry at the other child.  We say things like:   "He's not a good friend to you.  Let it go and find another friend."

Comments that tell our kids to just get over someone that they've cared about, or a hurt they've suffered, simply dismiss our child's legitimite feelings and keep the child stuck in hurt and anger.  Instead try to keep your own upset feelings in check and empathize with your child:  "Having your friend say something like that could really hurt."  

This way, he gets to fully feel his emotions.  That might mean he gets more upset momentarily, but when he gets a chance to feel the emotions, they begin to dissapate.  Once he feels better, he can begin to do better problem-solving, whether that means talking to the friend or ending the friendship.

   7.  Bossiness is often a challenge with early elementary schoolers.
All children want to get their own way -- but they still want other kids to play with them.  Learning to negotiate is a critical skill at this age.  Try asking questions to guide your child to solve the problem:

"Is it more important to you to play the game your way or to have Catherine play with you?"

When another child is bossy, your child may need some suggestions from you about tactful ways to negotiate with her friends.  Help her with scripts:

"I really want to play with you Jasmine, but we've been playing dress up all morning and I don't feel like it anymore.  What can we do that we both want to do?"

   8.  Help him think through various problem-solving options.

Often, once kids work through their feelings, they know what action to take.  But if he doesn't, help him brainstorm.

   9.  If your child is having a hard time, consider what kind of support will help.

For instance, some kids don't pick up on social cues and need help learning specific skills, like how to join a group.  Others don't listen to their friend's ideas, or physically get into each other's space.  Observe your child when he or she plays with other children, and see if you can pin point what skills they are lacking.  Reading books about social skills with your child can be helpful, as long as your child feels like you are partnering with her to support her, rather than trying to "fix" her.  

A truly happy child has at least one good friend.  We may assume that children know how to approach and talk to friends, but if your child struggles to make friends, check out these books: