Meaningful Holidays or Endless Meltdowns?

  "You will always be your child's favorite toy."  ~  Vicki Lansky

     The average number of toys owned by children in the United States is 150.  Our winter holidays feed into the fantasy that material things give our children what they need.  But the dopamine lift from ripping open a pile of gifts is temporary.  According to Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com), happiness and contentment comes from "connection, meaning and contribution", not things.  So over winter break, try to "put the focus back on the love between you and your child by finding special ways to connect with them."  Markham recommends the following suggestions (most of which cost very little in terms of money):

     1.  GIVE THE GIFT OF YOUR TIME.  In one study, children were asked what they liked best about their vacations.  It was the simple connection time with parents, when the parent was able to relax and enjoy the child without being stressed.  Over and over, children said things like "Lying on the blanket with my Dad, looking at the stars together."  Focused time with loving adults provides lasting (not temporary) pleasure, from the anticipation to the loving connection to the savoring afterwards.  Add to the excitement of simple pleasures by creating gift certificates for activities with you and then wrap them up.   

• Breakfast in bed together
• Dad's best foot massage
• Paint your room with mom
• Ice skating or hockey session with dad
• Banana split party with a parent
• Choose the movie for family movie night
• 
  

     2.  SHARE THE MAGIC.  Sit in silence with your child and enjoy the flames on the menorah, or the dancing fire in the fireplace.  Find the sense of wonder by going for a quiet walk together to look at neighborhood lights.  Turn off all cellphones and let the dark night inspire awe and wonder.

     3.  CREATE PHOTO MEMORIES.  Instead of taking a photo of your child on a bearded stranger's lap reciting lists of material items he covets, take photos of the two of you together -- making holiday presents, decorating for the holiday, baking treats for his class party, dressing up in your winter pajamas.  Create a scrap book of photos together that capture the festivities in your home and neighborhood.  Don't be surprised if your little one asks to look at this book over and over, or reads it to comfort himself.

     4.  FALL ASLEEP together IN FRONT of YOUR TREE (if you have one) in sleeping bags. Have a slumber party, one child at a time.  Reads stories by candlelight. This might become your child's favorite holiday memory.   

     5.  START A BLESSING BOWL, in which everyone writes down things your family members are grateful for, from your year.  One evening towards the end of the year, make popcorn, snuggle up together, and go through the bowl.  Talk about the memories.  Savor the feeling of emotional abundance that makes us feel grateful.  Remember how blessed you are to have each other.  

     There's nothing wrong with exchanging presents to express your delight in each other.  But why not keep the focus on connection and meaning, which fills your child inside in a way that objects never do.  What children NEED more than anything is our Presence, more than presents.

     Nicole Schwartz (imperfectfamilies.com) says "I feel like there should be a warning for all parents around mid-November that reads: Caution.  Self-regulation may be limited" over the holidays.  There is a lot of excitement and big emotions to manage this time of year.  Unfortunately, kids are at a disadvantage.  Their brains are still in the process of learning how to self-regulate.  Knowing how to stay cool and calm when under pressure and overstimulated is slowly developed as children age.  This learning curve may mean big meltdowns, overwhelming anxiety, an overabundance of energy, and an increase in power struggles over winter break.  

     "Before you threaten to take away presents or tell them Santa isn't coming unless they shape up," Schwartz cautions, consider these three things:

     Be mindful of your child's needs.  What does your child need to manage their big feelings or actions well?  Maybe it means letting them be more rambunctious during the day or letting them run outside before a big gathering.  Maybe it's limiting sweets.  Maybe it's preparing them in advance for the holiday party.  Maybe letting them have some say in what they wear to the event.  Maybe it's practicing some things they can say to Great-Aunt Mary, who they only see once a year.  Maybe it's insuring they get plenty of sleep.

     Increase your connection.  How can you spend some special time together in the midst of chaos?  Maybe it's spending 10 minutes playing a game before leaving for an event.  Maybe it's giving a few extra hugs throughout the day.  Maybe it's prioritizing bedtime snuggles.  Maybe it's singing silly holiday songs and dancing in the kitchen.  Maybe it's doing a random act of kindness together.  

     Give them a little more patience.  What do you need to help your child through this exciting time of year?  Maybe it's lowering your expectations.  Maybe it's asking for help.  Maybe it's saying "no" when you cannot take on another task.  Maybe it's carving out 5-10 minutes to do some self-care.  Maybe it's giving yourself permission to simplify your holiday traditions.  

    The answers will be different for each person.  "It may seem counterproductive to play with your child when they are bouncing off the wall with uninhibited excitement or to offer a snuggle when your child is refusing to put on their fancy dress.  It can feel like you're giving attention to the wrong things," says Schwartz.  But "instead of expecting your kids to step up and be more self-regulated in a stressful, overstimulating environment, let's be more available to them.  Let's meet the needs they don't know they have" ~ the needs hidden under their dysregulated behavior.  

   Let's create meaningful holiday memories and the understanding that our developing children will need us to serve as their soothing Wizard Brain when our cultural traditions ramp up.  Enjoy!   

 

Mountain Parents at their Best

     They came with tiny babies, energetic toddlers, and tons of older siblings.  They came from Ward, Gilpin County, downtown Nederland, Ridge Road, and even as far away as Estonia!   Parents with defiant preteens and squirmy elementary students gathered for the final Mountain Strong Families event of 2019, sponsored by TEENS, Inc, along with the help of Mountain Forum for Peace. 

     NES school counselor Kristen Kron, and local therapist and social worker Carrie Evans, summarized how to “discipline” and redirect children so that they develop strong social emotional skills.  This final parenting event held at Nederland Elementary School, entitled No Drama Discipline in Action:  How to Redirect and Reconnect, followed the nationally acclaimed work of Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Paine Bryson. 

     Earlier sessions focused on (1) Stress Management for parents, (2) understanding Brain Development and how children learn to behave, (3) the importance of Connecting in positive ways if we want children to obey, and (4) Communicating empathy and comfort for a child’s feelings and underlying needs when they misbehave.  This final session helped parents pull all these ideas together by encouraging them to front load the expected behavior in order to set limits, validate feelings instead of shaming, and use fewer words to describe problematic behavior rather than long lectures. 

     Parents were given a chance to practice involving their child in the discipline process in order to solve the problem and develop their critical thinking, re-frame a “no” into a “yes with a condition”, and reinforce the child’s positive behaviors.  One mother said she really liked this “gentle, positive parenting approach” offered during the five sessions.  This same approach is continuing to be implemented at Nederland Elementary School as our society moves away from a more punitive reaction to misbehavior and understands more about how children actually learn from their mistakes.

   Evans and Kron outlined how to have a restorative conversation when misbehavior has occurred.  Once everyone has soothed their intense emotions, parents can process the following questions with their child:  “What other strategies do you need to use to feel better?  How are you gonna fix this situation?  How can we solve this problem together?  What does your sibling need to feel better?”  It is vital to reconnect with one another and repair any harm that has occurred.  Rather than punishing a child for their behavior, parents were encouraged to help the child learn to be accountable for their words and actions and repair their relationships.  Parents, too, can circle back and model how to apologize when they have yelled or demanded instead of calmly stating their ideas and giving choices to the child. 

     Parenting is such an exhausting, rewarding, joyful and frustrating endeavor.   It was clear that the nearly 75 adults who attended one or more of the Mountain Strong Families sessions appreciated the support they felt from one another in performing their role.  One mother, who has lived in three different countries, believes that “the United States is the least child-friendly of them all.”  This Series helps fill a need for supporting mountain families.   It offers a free, home-cooked meal and childcare while parents laugh, cry and learn together in their misery and triumphs.  “There has been less yelling at our house,” admitted one parent after utilizing the ideas in No Drama Discipline.  “I learned how important it is to get down at the child’s eye level to talk through misbehavior,” said another mom, who now understands how our brains can launch us into fight or flight reactions. 

     “It’s great to come together, hear that we are all going through similar situations, and learn the latest information about how to raise healthy, whole human beings,” said Ann Sherman, Parenting Matters Coordinator.   TEENS, Inc plans to continue this Series and offer ongoing opportunities for parents.  To get on the mailing list for future sessions, contact ann@teensinc.org.

    A group of local therapists from New Growth Therapy, Peak to Peak Counseling, along with TEENS, Inc’s counselor Andrea Begin, are offering a new parent support group at 110 Snyder Street beginning Weds, Dec 11^th at 10 am to help families through the additional stress of the holiday season.  Check out this new opportunity to create a mountain community where all parents and kids feel nurtured and embraced!