Four Great Ideas for Raising Empathetic Children

         There are many ways to help children develop an awareness of how others are feeling.  

1.  We can point out the facial expressions and body language exhibited by people to see if a child can pick up on the underlying emotion being portrayed externally.  “Did you see the checkout clerk’s jaw tighten and body stiffen when the cash register drawer wouldn’t open?”   Another fun game is to help your child pay attention to the tone of voice used so they understand the feelings that lie beneath the surface.  “I could hear the hesitation in dad’s voice when he offered to pick us up.  Did you hear the delay in his response or the lack of a strong response when he said ‘Sure’?  How do you think he was feeling?”

  2.  Sibling conflict situations are another great time to ask kids to consider how the other person is feeling.  Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) notes that conflict is part of every human relationship, because every relationship has two people with different needs and perspectives. Our job as parents is to teach our children to manage that conflict in ways that bring them closer. What doesn't work is jumping in to decide who is right and who is wrong. Not only are we not teaching our kids to work anything out, but we're inadvertently reinforcing sibling rivalry, by demonstrating support for one child over the other.

     On the other hand, research shows that if we just "let them work it out" without guidance, the more powerful child wins, and we're reinforcing bullying behavior.  But there is a better way, one that teaches lessons your children will use to build healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

     a. If they're struggling, take a deep breath to calm yourself before you intervene.

     b. Offer empathy to both children by stating their perspective. Say what you see them wanting in

          the situation, or why they're acting as they are (even if you don't agree with them.)

     c. Help each child express their feelings and needs verbally to the other child, without attacking.

    

3.  And yet, one of the best ways to teach children to be empathetic of others is by modeling empathy for them.  Cecilia Hilkey (Happily Family) provides examples in this 5-minute video of how parents can respond with empathy when the child is defiant:  Empathetic Parenting

  4. However, when you notice that things have turned sour and a conflict with your child is escalating, Dr. Markham shares the idea of asking for a “do-over”.   Kids love to pretend. They instinctively use play to heal emotional wounds. And they love the idea that together you can rewrite the script to create a better ending. So Do-Overs can be the perfect way to repair when you're off track. Do-Overs acknowledge that we aren't perfect -- but we're family, and we'll always work things out.

Here's how:

     a. Stop, Drop and Breathe. When you notice you've somehow gotten on the wrong path, just Stop. Drop your agenda, just for a moment. Your goal first is to calm yourself and reconnect. Take a few deep breaths, and say "I'm sorry, I was getting anxious.  Let's have a do-over, ok? What I meant to say was......"

     b. If you were a less than stellar role model in the anger management department, you'll have to apologize before suggesting the Do-Over. Don't worry, your child won't lose respect for you. He'll see that maturity means not being perfect, but being willing to take responsibility, make amends and try again. (How (and When) To Apologize To Your Child)

     c. Reconnect with a big hug before you suggest the Do Over. She needs to know you still love her before she's ready for play. And remember that many children need to discharge a little emotion before they're ready for a Do-Over, so she might burst into tears either when you apologize, or even a few hours later. She's not only letting go of her anger, but the fear of losing you that was triggered by your conflict.

     d. It's ok not to be perfect, but if you find yourself apologizing to your child frequently, that's a red flag to get some more help with your parenting.

     e. Agree on a family signal that your children can use if you don't notice your voice getting louder. My daughter would interject "Mom, is it time for a do-over?"  whenever I started to get upset. Before long, she began using it as a way to regulate her own emotions or heal a rift between us.

     f. Don't be surprised if your kids start asking for Do-Overs when they've drawn your ire. Be generous and always let them start again. You want them practicing their best selves; it trains the subconscious to produce that good behavior as the default.

     So next time you find yourself in the middle of an emotional train wreck with your kids, try a family Do-Over to practice using a more empathetic response. You'll find you can always rewrite the script for a happier ending.                                                                                                                     

Differences Do Matter.... and Talking about them helps us Raise Compassionate Kids

     This week, NES students are focusing on having empathy and showing compassion for others.  Shauna Tominey, author of Creating Compassionate Kids; Essential Conversations to Have with Young Children, writes to parents and caregivers:

     Coming from a multicultural family, I grew up in a household where multiple cultures were celebrated and multiple languages were spoken.  I was taught that differences don't matter.  I heard this same message echoed in our predominantly white community, so I believed it. 

     The first real conversation I can remember having about race was in high school.  Our sociology teacher asked us each to write down a list of words that defined how we saw ourselves.  Our teacher later shared that every year, the one or two African-American students in his classes always wrote the word “Black” first.  So why was it that none of us wrote down the word, “White?” After graduating from high school and moving around the country, I quickly realized that the idea that differences don’t matter just isn’t true.  Differences do matter.  They matter a lot.

  When we teach children that differences don't matter, we do it with the best of intentions. Without intending to, however, we may be ignoring that there are children and families whose lives are defined every day by their differences. We can all point to an example of how we (or our children) feel different or don't fit in. Sometimes this helps us practice empathy. Sometimes it leads us to overlook the fact that the way differences impact our lives is not equal.

Rather than teaching children that differences don't matter, what if we teach children that differences shouldn't matter, but that they do? As we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, let's consider how we can help children learn to recognize the similarities with others, acknowledging the struggles we have with differences in our society, and learn to celebrate these differences.

Try these strategies with the children in your life:

1. Talk about the qualities that make us and others who we are. Help children learn about who they are and who they will become. Teaching children self-awareness often begins with conversations that focus on qualities that we can see in our children or expect our children to develop, but these conversations can't end here. We can also help children learn about qualities that others have too so that they can develop a greater understanding for people who are similar to or different from themselves. Draw self-portraits with your child. Look at pictures of yourselves or into a mirror as you draw. talk about the different colors you see and try to match your skin, hair, and eye color in your artwork.

2. Focus on shared feelings. Help children focus on the fact that we all have feelings as a way to build empathy. Ask questions like, "How do you think s/he is feeling?' or thing out loud, "I wonder how they are feeling?" Ask about different feelings that your child has during the day. Taking your child's feelings seriously will help them learn to do the same for others.

3. Teach children that differences do matter. Talk with children about the fact that people sometimes look at or treat others differently because of the color of their skin, how they look, how they talk, how they move, or for other reasons. Let your child know that this is never okay (unless someone needs a special accommodation that is helpful for them). Brainstorm together ideas for what to do if and when you see this happening at school or in the community.

4. Use storybooks to highlight diverse experiences and role models. Read many different books with your child that include diverse characters. Find role models in story books that are similar to and different from your child. Do a book scavenger hunt. Try to find books that have different types of people and families in them. Talk about the types of families that were easiest to find in books, and the types of families that were the most difficult to find. Ask your child, "How do you think it feels to families who cannot find books showing families that are similar to their own?"

5. Strive to learn more and be inclusive within your own community. Serve as a positive role model for the children in your life by showing interest in learning more about other individuals and families. Participate in community cultural events and get to know other families in your community. Tell your child stories about how you learned about your own family culture when you were young.

Too often, individuals and families from non-dominant groups carry the responsibility to educate others, to explain themselves, or even to defend themselves. If we actively teach our children to value themselves and others for our similarities and differences, we can share this responsibility as we strive to create an increasingly compassionate community for all children.

*************************************************************************************************************************

Here are some books to read with your children which offer ideas about how to create a fair and just world for everyone:

§  Based on the true account of the life of astronaut Ron McNair, Ron’s Big Mission by Rose Blue and Corinne J. Naden finds a young Ron discriminated against because of his skin color at the library when he wants to check out a book.

§  In A Taste of Colored Water, author Matt Faulkner teaches a civil rights lesson from the historical example of segregation at the water fountain.

§  Use Sit-In: How Four Friends Stood Up by Sitting Down by Andrea Davis Pinkney to help students find out what fairness issues they might consider resolving with a peaceful protest.

§  Looking after Louis by Lesley Ely finds Louis, a child with autism, getting extra recess. Will his friend understand that it’s fair because it’s what he needed when he needed it?

A few more strong titles include:
§  It’s Not Fair! by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
§  Mine! by Kevin Luthardt
§  Not Fair, Won’t Share by Sue Graves
§  Rotten and Rascal: The Two Terrible Pterosaur Twins by Paul Geraghty
§  Share with Brother by Steven Layne
§  Squirrel’s New Year’s Resolution by Pat Miller

10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Parenting, No Resolutions Necessary

Happy 2019!   Dr. Laura Markham, from ahaparenting.com, offers this wonderful list of New Years Reminders that will strengthen your relationship with your child:

Tired of resolutions? Here are 10 Easy Ways To Improve Your Parenting, No Resolutions Necessary. Put these on your fridge and read them daily. I guarantee you less drama and more love.

1. Empathize more. Children don't always need to get their way, but they do need to feel understood. Isn't that what we all need? Whatever your child says or does, she has a reason. Even while setting limits, try acknowledging that reason. Instead of "Stop pushing him!" try "You want your brother to move so you can reach the truck. Say 'Move Please.'" 

2. Tell them what they CAN do, instead of what they can't. Instead of "Stop playing with the ball in the house!" try "Balls are for outside. Inside, you can throw the stuffed animals into the bathtub." 

3. Get them laughing every day. Laughter changes the body chemistry, decreasing stress hormones so kids are more cooperative and sleep better. It also increases bonding hormones, so when you laugh with someone, you strengthen your relationship. 

4. Say Yes more often. We're parents, so we have to set limits and say No, over and over all day long. So when you can say yes, say it. Even when you have to say no, can you say it with "Yes" energy? "YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!" 

5. Spend "special time" every day with each child. If you want to strengthen and sweeten your relationship with your child, here's your prescription. Just show up and pour your love into your child without controlling him. Parents often tell me that their children react to getting this one-on-one time "like they were missing an essential vitamin." They were. Every child needs this tangible expression of your love. 

6. Use your pause button to yell less. How will they learn to regulate their emotions if we don't regulate ours? You're the role model. 

7. Turn your screen off when you're with your child.  Many children say their parents' phone is the most important thing in the parent's life. They'll remember for the rest of your life that you turned your phone off when you were with them. 

8. Go outside and move with your kids.  Research confirms what your grandmother said. Children really do need daily fresh air, greenery and movement to de-stress and be their best selves. 

9. Allow emotions, limit behavior.  Of course you need to set limits. But when we allow emotions, children learn to manage them faster. Just say "You must be so upset to use that tone of voice. Tell me about it, Sweetie. We can figure this out together." Your child will start calming down before your eyes. 

10. Put yourself back on the list. You can only be emotionally generous if you take care of you. I know, that's tough, but it isn't sustainable to leave yourself off the list. Start by getting enough sleep and talking to yourself like someone you love. Monitor your well-being as you go through your day. Every day, do something that increases your level of joy. You'll see your good mood rub off on your child.

Happy New Year! I hope 2019 is your family's best year yet.

It's not just WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.

      

      Welcome back to a new year!  In 2019, students at Nederland Elementary School will be practicing social skills like empathy, kindness, compassion, teamwork, assertiveness, reflective listening, and conflict resolution. This week we are noticing nonverbal communication and how it impacts a conversation.  

     It is said that up to 93% of what is communicated is nonverbal in nature.  When we mindfully notice the underlying emotions and thoughts being conveyed in social situations, we can more accurately respond.   It is easy to miss these messages if we don’t practice observing and interpreting nonverbal cues as a child. 

     Here are some Understood.org strategies for helping your child understand It Isn’t just What You Say, but How You Say It that can make all the difference in relationships.  

  

     1.  Encourage your child to listen to the tone and pitch of people’s voices.  See if they can identify    whether the tone is positive, neutral, or negative.   Practice with changing your tone with simple phrases like this:   “Good morning, your breakfast is ready.”  “Thanks a lot for your help” or  “What do you need?”

      2.  Talk about Attitude.  Explain that tone of voice + body language + words = attitude.  Help your child  mindfully notice nonverbal social cues:  “Do you see how Johnny is crossing his arms and scowling as he says everything is fine?”  See if your child can figure out what someone is thinking and feeling by attending to their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice rather than just taking their words at face value.  

3.               3. Point out inflection.   Teach your child that the meaning of words change with emphasis, volume and speed of speech.  For example, a calm “Where are you going?” is a curious question. A loud, quick “Where are you going?” sounds sarcastic or angry.

4. Practice with nonsense words.  Without having meaningful words to consider, your child can focus on just vocal sounds.  Practice inflection, volume and speed by saying things like “bibbidi bobbidi boo.” Ask your child to say it as a question, as a statement, and as a demand.  Then add emotion to it.  (For example, an “angry question.”)

     Primary students are noticing facial expressions and trying to connect them with an expanded emotions vocabulary.  Our eyebrows, eyes, cheeks, and mouth all change as we display different emotions.  Body language that conveys tension or openness, hopelessness or joy are all on display for children to identify.  Children are learning to “read people” as well as literature. 

      Secondary students are also learning about tone of voice and how it illuminates hidden thoughts and feelings.  An astute mindful observer can learn to read these social cues and know how best to respond in social situations rather than just relying on the words spoken.  

      For more helpful tips about communicating with your family, please join the next Mountain Strong Families series on Tuesday, February 12th from 5:30 -7:30pm at Nederland Elementary.  Three local counselors will explore nonverbal communication, assertive statements and reflective listening skills in The Art of Communicating with your Family.