Helping Your Child Tame Their Anxiety

  “The good news is -- anxiety is normal and functional for our survival.  We worry in order to protect ourselves from danger,” said Carrie Evans, presenter at Helping your Child Tame their Anxiety on Nov 13th. “However, today we often worry about things that are not life threatening to us.  Our reaction to these things can be toxic for our bodies if we don’t know how to harness the energy boost that stress provides. Stress hormones have nowhere to go when we are worrying about our potential future.”

  At the second gathering for the Mountain Strong Families Series (held at Nederland Elementary School), parents shared the gamut of things that their toddlers through teenagers worry about.  Many of these worries are developmentally appropriate and yet feel intense to our children:

Two -to- four-year-old children commonly fear the dark, sleeping alone, being separated from their parents, strangers, TV shows, getting lost, dogs and bugs.  Five -to- seven-year-old children typically have a fear of the dark, monsters, closets, teachers that yell, peers not liking them, being separated from their parents, doctors, dentists, and shots.   From 8 -11 years of age, children are often anxious about being home alone, watching scary movies, having something happen to their parents, school failure, being hridiculed by peers, not having any friends, disappointing teir parents, germs, storms, natural disasters, and heights.  Middle and high school students add other worries to their plate – fear of murder, rape, kidnapping, someone watching them, being alone, dying or having loved ones die, disappointing their parents, mass shootings, getting fat, having acne and other body image issues, heights and fear of flying,  asteroids hitting the earth, war and terrorist attacks, being homeless in the future, car accidents, failure in school or sports, etc.

As parents considered all these developmental concerns, they felt a deep sense of empathy for their children and the host of issues that can make little-on-up-to-big kids tremble in the face of real and imagined stressors.   “The key,” Evans said, “is to harness stress in order to feel powerful instead of overwhelmed.” And she, along with Eileen Purdy, began to lay out strategies which parents can use to help their children deal with their “worry snowflakes” before they turn into an “anxiety avalanche”.

a.        First, use the acronym H.A.L.T. to see if your child’s intense emotions or behavior is a result of Hunger/Hydration? Anger?  Loneliness?  Or being Tired?  Many times, basic biological needs are the root cause of anxiety and irritability. Be aware of your child’s need for sleep, companionship, food or hydration to help them tame their anxiety.

b.       Co-regulate with your child by breathing slowly together when they are anxious.  A parent’s calm presence triggers mirror neurons in the child’s brain that are comforting.   Box breathing – inhaling while counting to four, holding for four counts, slowly exhaling to the count of four, and pausing for four counts before inhaling again – was suggested as an anxiety-busting tool.

c.       Label the emotion that your child is feeling to help increase their awareness of what is going on inside themselves.  “Name it to tame it” and describe specifically what the stressor is for them.

d.       Develop a daily practice of focusing on what the child is grateful for – before bed, or first thing in the morning to set the tone for the day.  Help your child acknowledge what is going right in their lives. A gratitude practice sends dopamine to the pre-frontal cortex and gets the “wizard brain” talking to the “lizard brain” again.

e.       Encourage your child to write about the issue that is bothering them as well as their feelings about it.  Spell out their worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and the most-likely scenario. Using words to describe thoughts and emotions is a calming activity.

f.        GoZen.com offers helpful prompts for parents to say when their child is stressed.

g.       When you talk, use lots of feeling words to expand the child’s emotional vocabulary.  Help your child identify the difference between feeling panicked and having nervous butterflies in her stomach.

h.       Gently lay your hand on your child’s knee and draw around your fingers as you breathe slowly together.  Calming touch and deep breathing will balance the nervous system; moving it from the fight or flight mode to a relaxed state.

i.         Find a calming bedtime routine to do with your child every night to elicit restorative sleep.  There are several apps that are useful for this.

Large numbers of children and teens find it hard to concentrate in school, remember things they’ve learned, bounce back from challenges, socialize with peers, or sleep due to worrying about their future.   Parents and educators can coach youth to utilize healthy strategies for calming their anxious minds so that children don’t turn to substance abuse to numb their nervous bodies.

“I was enchanted by Carrie Evan’s style and approach to helping parents support their children,” said one mother. “Last night’s presentation seemed to barely tap into Carrie’s vast knowledge about this topic.  I look forward to learning more from her.” On Feb 12th, Evans will join other counselors at the next Mountain Strong Families event to address Healthy Communication in Families.”   This Parenting Series is a collaborative effort between TEENS, Inc., Nederland Elementary, NMSHS, and a dozen local counselors.  For more information about this series, contact ann@teensinc.org

Spreading Love and Gratitude across our Country this Thanksgiving

    

     During Social Emotional Learning lessons at NES, students have practiced becoming aware of their emotions, thoughts, and impulses so they can regulate them when they become frustrated with or begin to negatively judge others.  One of their most important lessons for how to do this comes from watching the adults in their lives maneuver the political divide in our nation... and across the holiday table.  

     As we gather round the Thanksgiving table  this year with the hodge podge of folks that make up our extended family, we may be tested. Our children will be carefully observing how populist Uncle Joey, progressive cousin Jessie, conservative Grandpa Tom, and liberal mom will delicately carve up the turkey together.  Rachel Stafford, from HandsFreeMama.com, encourages the adults to take a cue from each other's diverse opinions:

"Over the past year, I've struggled with some of the opinions expressed by people I've known and cared about for years.  The stances these individuals take on controversial issues plaguing our country continue to surprise and dishearten me.  When I hear these differing views and opinions on deeply important issues, I feel anger rise up within me and the urge to cut ties.  This reaction is not loving or unifying.  It is not healthy or helpful. As much as I remind myself they are entitled to their opinion as much as I am, I still feel ill will.

It was while I was venting to my teenage daughter about an aggressive viewpoint expressed by a close friend that I received the guidance I've been searching for.  My 14-year-old daughter said, "Your friend doesn't know what you know.  She has not had the experiences you have."  Then Natalie told me what she did when a classmate made a political statement that hurt and offended a group of students.  She reached out to one of the alienated people so she would know my daughter was with her.  My daughter could tell by the person's reaction and the end result that her action had been a helpful one."

My daughter went on to say, " I could argue with someone about their opinion - which probably won't change anything - or I could do something good.  And that DOES change things."  Basically, one student's divisive action became my daughter's cue to do the opposite -- to unify.... to include... to stand beside.

Stafford goes onto share:  I'm in the process of adopting a healthier and more helpful reaction to opinions and views that upset me.  I call it:  Cue to Love.  It looks like this--

Another person's close mindedness is my cue to be curious instead of defensive.
Another person's shaming language is my cue to speak words of acceptance.
Another person's hostility is my cue to be a peacemaker.
Another person's arrogance is my cue to gain understanding.
Another person's quick-to-judge attitude is my cue to remember we are more alike than different.
Another person's vitriol toward a group of people is my cue to love all in abundance. 

Each time I use my cue to Love, this is what I find:

The people I most disagree with provide my greatest opportunities for growth.
The people I find most difficult to love stretch me to be my most loving self.

I could argue with these people about their opinion or cut off communication, but that leaves little chance for progress, growth, and peace.  Instead, I will take my daughter's lead, and use their divisive stance as a cue to Love.  ...Instead of feeling my blood boil by the opinions of some,  I have been inspired to act with love.  

My job is not to change the opinions of those hurting people with their views.  My job is to change the view of the hurting people... with love.   

Think through this scenario with me for a moment:

A person is alienated by the shaming words of someone while riding on the subway.  He proceeds through his day, feeling alone, devalued, and perhaps even scared.

If kindness, love, or acceptance is the VERY NEXT THING this hurting person encounters, his view of the world instantly changes.  The whole world is suddenly not against him.  The world is suddenly a bit more hopeful.  

I would want that for my unique child.
I would want that for my aging parent.
I would want that for my grieving brother.
I would want that for my exiled sister.
I would want that for you.
I would want that for me.

I'm done feeling angry, bitter, and hopeless when someone shares a polarizing viewpoint.  That is now my cue to love.  Because an act of love at the precise moment it's needed can literally change the world."

     

    Who will you show love and gratitude to during Thanksgiving week?  

For inspiration, watch how one child reaches across 

the arbitrary lines of Us versus Them 

to spread some kindness around.  

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How Do We Get Those Kids to Behave!?!

A parent wonders about rewarding her child’s good behavior:  “I’ve been trying to shift my parenting away from a rewards/punishment system to a more intuitive, connected style. My issue is that my daughter goes to a school where they have the traffic light system for behaviors.  She is ‘well behaved’ and almost always on the green light.  Today she asked if I could make her a traffic light system for her ‘good choices’ at home.  I tried to explain that the best ‘reward’ was the satisfaction of making the choice herself… but she still wants tangible, external recognition for controlling her impulses. She gets lots of validation and acceptance for who she is at home.  I want her to feel that making the right choice is reward enough”.

Dr. Laura Markham, from Ahaparenting, responds:  A behavior-rating system assumes that children CAN do what we’re asking and are simply choosing not to.  We may think we are rating behavior, but children think they are being evaluated as human beings.  And yet all children want to feel good about themselves, to be thought of as good people.  If they don’t behave, it’s because they need help to learn to manage themselves physically and emotionally.  Unfortunately, with reward and punishment systems that try to manipulate behavior, many children get locked into a cycle where they come to feel bad about themselves.  

Markham suggests having this conversation with your child:

“We have a traffic light inside us… It helps us to be the people we want to be, and to make the best choices in our lives.  Some people call that your INNER COMPASS.  A compass is like a GPS that tells you when you made a wrong turn.  That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just helps you get back on track.

It feels good to make choices that are green.  We feel right, inside ourselves, as we see the result.  Sometimes we make choices that are red, and then we have to get back on track and clean up any mess we made.  And we all have IMPULSES, every day, that are between green and red.   We all get that yellow warning light sometimes, letting us know that we are about to make a choice that isn’t green, which will take us in a direction we don’t want to go.  It’s so important that we PAY ATTENTION to that feeling.    Ask your child --

*What else makes you feel green inside, like you are headed in the direction you want to go?

*What makes you feel the yellow light, like you need to pause and pay attention to help you make a choice that feels right inside?

*When have you felt the red light that tells you that you made a wrong turn?

     "Little children need to do exactly as they’re told because they don’t really understand how the world works, like the fact that the stove is hot, or the street is dangerous.  It keeps them from getting hurt.  But as you get older, it’s important that you learn to think for yourself, not to just do what someone else tells you.  Even adults don’t always know what’s right for you.  And sometimes other kids will encourage you to do things that will make that yellow light go on inside.  You’re the only one who knows what’s right for you and you can always find that inner compass inside to find your way.   Your job is to notice that feeling in your body that tells you when you’re about to make a wrong turn.  It isn’t always easy to choose to do what’s right, but every time you listen to your inner compass, you get better at finding your way.”

     Since a lack of impulse control is at the root of many behavior problems, Amy Morin, from VeryWellFamily.com, lists several Ways Parents can Teach Impulse Control.   An impulsive 6-year-old may hit wen he doesn’t get his way and an impulsive 16-year-old may share inappropriate content on social media without thinking about the potential ramifications.  Rather than relying on rewards and punishments, teach your child the SKILLS to think before she acts--

 Teach your Child to Label Feelings-- Kids who don’t understand their emotions are more likely to be impulsive.  A child who can’t say, “I’m angry” may hit to show she’s upset.  Teach your child to recognize her feelings so she can tell you, rather than show you, how she feels.

Ask your Child to Repeat Directions -- Start your instructions by saying, “Before you move, I want you to explain the directions back to me.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills-- Teach your child there is more than one way to solve a problem.  Encourage her to find five potential solutions before taking action.  Help her evaluate which solution is most likely to be effective. 

Teach Anger Management Skills -- Low frustration tolerance may cause impulsive outbursts.  Show your child specific strategies, like taking a few deep breaths or walking around the house to burn off some energy.  Create a calm-down kit filled with tools that will help him relax when he is angry.  Encourage him to place himself in this calm-down area before he gets into trouble.

Establish Household Rules -- Create clear rules and explain the reasons behind your family’s rules.  Make your expectations known before your child enters new situations.  “We’ll be using our indoor voices in the library and our walking feet in the grocery store.”

Provide Structure and Be Consistent -- Offer reminders like, “You need to hold my hand in the parking lot when we get out of the car,” each and every time you go to the store.  Whenever possible, keep your child’s routine the same.  Less chaos can reduce impulsive behavior.

Be a Good Role Model -- Model appropriate ways to wait patiently and tolerate delayed gratification.  Point out impulse control techniques that you’re using by saying things like, “I’d really like to buy that new laptop but I’m going to save my money for our vacation next summer.”  Self-talk plays a major role in helping kids manage their impulsive behavior.  Model healthy self-talk by saying, “This is a long line but we have to wait patiently for our turn.”  Talking to yourself out loud will teach your child how to develop their own inner dialogue.

Encourage Plenty of Physical Activity -- A child who has had an opportunity to run, jump, and climb will be more self-disciplined.  Limit your child’s screen time and encourage her to play outside whenever possible. 

Play Impulse Control Games -- Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, and Follow the Leader will give your child fun opportunities to practice self-control.

Kids have either begun to master social emotional skills or they still lack them.

They aren't Bad Kids, they just need more practice.