Michelle Woo, lifehacker.com, was amazed as she toured different schools. She visited one where she observed the kids out on the playground. While climbing the ladder on the slide, a young boy accidentally stepped on another child's finger, and she started crying. The boy went up to the child, looked her in the eyes and asked, "Are you okay? Can I get you a wet towel?" She wiped her tears, shook her head no, and they both went back to playing. Michelle looked on in amazement at the skill set just demonstrated. The director of the school explained, "We don't make kids say 'sorry.' The word doesn't mean much without an action to help make things better."
Woo goes on to explain ~ The exchange was such a departure from what I was used to seeing among parents, who tend to force apologies from their children for every accidental bump, whack, and knock-down of a just-built Lego masterpiece. Usually, they'll give the kid a stern look and ask, "Hey, what do you say?" Then, when the child mutters a robotic "sorry", all is good.
But this approach might be mostly meaningless, writes Heather Shumaker in her book It's OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids. Children love the word "sorry," Shumaker explains, as it magically lets them off the hook. "It's a little like teaching kids to be hit-and-run drivers," she writes. The problem with the "sorry" solution is that parents are missing a key opportunity to teach real empathy and accountability. Genuine remorse requires the ability to take another person's perspective and fully understand cause and effect. These skills are still emerging in young children and must continue to be nurtured and developed in older children.
Parents can help kids develop moral compassion by explaining that their actions have consequences, showing that they can do something to make things better and modeling ways to use the word "sorry" meaningfully.
For everyday accidents, Shumaker offers these steps:
BRING THE KIDS TOGETHER
Sometimes, when children believe they're about to be in trouble, they run. If this happens, you can put an arm around the child, and say something like, "You need to come back here. Callie got hurt. Even if you didn't mean to do it, she got hurt, and you need to come back."
TELL THE CHILD WHO CAUSED THE ACCIDENT WHAT HAPPENED, AND BE SPECIFIC
Even when what happened seems obvious, it needs to be pointed out to a young child. State the facts. "Your shopping cart ran over her toe." "Your hand knocked the cup of water onto her painting." "You were dancing and your arm whacked her face."
MODEL EMPATHY FOR THE HURT CHILD
Ask the child: "Are you okay?"
TAKE ACTION
While little kids may not fully understand remorse, they are good at taking action. They can run to grab a Band-Aid or an ice pack, or help clean up the mess they made. Help them take responsibility.
MAKE A GUARANTEE
"Reassurance that it won't happen again means something. "Sorry" does not. To reestablish trust among kids, Shumaker writes, have the child who caused the accident make a guarantee to the other child that they will do things differently next time. Help the child specify how they will act or talk differently if the same situation occurs again. Help them utilize their Wizard Brain to think through how they would approach the situation again if they had a chance for a do-over.
MODEL SAYING "SORRY" IN YOUR OWN LIFE
Instead of making children say "sorry," Shumaker writes it is more effective to model saying sorry when you as a parent mess up. That means acknowledging the consequences of your actions and taking steps to make things better. For example, "I'm sorry I forgot to bring your teddy bear to school today. You missed him during nap time. I'm writing it down on my list so I will remember next time."
Students at NES are learning the 5 steps to Offering a Genuine Apology when they make a mistake or hurt someone. These steps help to restore the damaged relationship and give children concrete ways to sincerely apologize when they have messed up:
1. Look at the person and use a sincere tone of voice.
2. Say "I'm sorry" for exactly what you said or did (not vaguely "when I was mean".)
3. Demonstrate you know how the other person feels.
4. Say what you will do differently next time.
5. Take steps to make it right with them.
TEENS, Inc has a saying that guides interactions every day: By Seeking and Blundering, We Learn. All humans make mistakes and mess up. We impact others in a negative way. What is important is to learn from those interactions and choices. Take responsibility for what you did. Apologize. Brainstorm ways to do it better next time. Make amends. Forgive yourself and Try Again. Go beyond "sorry."
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