Thursday, April 25, 2019

16 Miracle Phrases to Use During Parent-Child Conflicts


   



     Here are SIXTEEN MIRACLE PHRASES that help you reconnect with your child during and after conflict (idealistmom.com).
     So often, we want our children to stuff their feelings because it is difficult for us to process the intensity of them.  Or, we counter by yelling back.  But healthy development of emotional intelligence requires accepting uncomfortable emotions in ourselves and others -- even as we work to re-frame their expression and coach a child to stop and think about how to express what is going on inside of themselves.  These first eight phrases show that we are trying to understand the child's perspective and validate whatever they are feeling.   We are drawing out their feelings in concrete emotion words.  Asking a child to select feeling words helps connect their pre-frontal cortex with their reptilian emotional brain; thereby helping to soothe the intensity of their feelings and create self-awareness.  When we empathize with their experience, it creates a strong bond between us and our child.   When there is a strong bond, our child is more likely to listen to our requests.



8 Listen and Accept Phrases --

Tell me how you're feeling.
I want to understand how you're feeling.
I love you, even when you feel angry.
It's okay to feel mad.
How can I help?
I can see why you feel.....
It looks like you're having a hard time.  Tell me about it.
I can imagine you feel.....



  The next eight phrases help you move forward if the two of you are stuck during a conflict or if you need to repair the relationship as the conflict is ending.   When we use these restorative parenting techniques, we ensure that the relationship is healed and the specific issue is resolved.

8 Move Forward Phrases--

Can I give you a hug?
Let's take a deep breath together.
I'm sorry for..... Next time, I'll.......
Can we start over?
Will you forgive me?
Will you sit next to me?
Let's take a break and do something fun.
Let's go for a walk together.

     In order for our children to develop strong social and emotional intelligence, we can help them become aware of their feelings and needs during conflicts, express them clearly and kindly, describe the conflict objectively from a neutral vantage point, and work with us to find solutions that satisfy everyone.  When a healthy conflict resolution process is used, our children develop the skills to work through conflicts for the rest of their lives.


Sunday, April 21, 2019

Coaching Siblings to Work Through Conflicts


       

     Cecilia Hilkey, from HappilyFamily.com, offers ideas for how to walk children through the resolution of their conflict.  In so doing, parents are teaching both problem-solving skills and the social skill of taking another person's perspective.
     Instead of intervening with an imposed solution or forcing children to immediately apologize, here are some steps to use -- along with restorative questions to ask (which may either produce genuine remorse or other offers to repair the relationship):
 
     EXAMPLE:   The kids are fighting over a toy or game.  Missy is playing with  a toy, and brother Max is next to her.  Missy leaves for a bit, and when she returns, Max is playing with the toy.  Missy screams at him and grabs the toy away from him.  Max hits her.  And Missy hits him back.  


1.  Help Both Kids Calm Down
Before you help kids reconnect it's important that they are both ready.  If kids are upset, it's too hard for them to consider the other person's perspective.  If kids are fighting over a toy, you can de-escalate the situation by placing your hands on the toy, so neither child can play with it.

SCRIPT:  Say, "I'm just going to keep my hands here until we can figure out how to solve this."

**Students at NES are learning a parallel conflict resolution process.  They have practiced various strategies for COOLING OFF and soothing their intense emotions.  Ask your child to show you their favorite calming strategies before you try to talk things out.


2.  Connect Before You Correct
Before you correct their behavior (the grabbing and hitting), you'll need to connect with both of the kids.  Giving empathy to both of them will help everyone feel connected and help them cool down more quickly.
SCRIPT:  You can say, "Max, you look mad.  You were playing with the toy and Missy took it away from you."  To Missy, you say, "You're mad too.  You were not done with the toy when Max started to play with it."

**Students at NES have practiced whole body listening skills.  When they are calm, they listen for the feelings being expressed and reasons for them.  When possible, encourage your child to summarize what their sibling has said by focusing on feelings and needs.

3.  Understand the Communication Beneath the Behavior
Max and Missy both hit each other to "say" something.  It's likely that both kids were overcome by upset and sadness, and they hit because they didn't know how to communicate to the other that they wanted the toy.  Because we know that all behavior is communication, then we can understand "why" each child acted the way he or she did.

SCRIPT:  To Max, "When you hit Missy, were you trying to tell her that you didn't want her to take the toy?"  To Missy, "When you hit Max were you trying to tell him that you didn't want to be hit and you were still playing with the truck?"

**Students at NES learn about the difference between their specific wants/desires and the underlying basic human needs we are all trying to satisfy.   Help your child talk about the needs they were trying to fulfill during conflict situations by using I-messages:   I felt ____ because I need/want_____.

4.  Help Kids Understand Each Other
Now that both kids are calm and connected, they can begin to understand the other child's perspective.  Finding common ground is helpful.  No one like to get hit.  No one likes it when someone else grabs their toys.

SCRIPT:  Say "Oh, that makes sense to me.  You both didn't want to get hit and you both wanted to play with the toy.  You ran out of words, so you hit."

**Students at NES practice stating the problem without blaming the other person.  An objective statement of the problem gives everyone something to begin solving.

5.  Find a Solution that Works for Everyone
Both kids can offer their solutions.  If they don't have any ideas, you can offer your own solutions.  Keep offering ideas until.... a)you find something that works for everyone OR b)you run out of ideas.

SCRIPT:  Say "What ideas do you have to solve this?"   If they don't have any ideas say, "Is it okay if Max gives the toy to Missy after he is done?"   "Or does it work for Missy to give the toy to Max after she is done?"  If they can't agree on a solution, say, "Sounds like we're stuck.  Come back to me when you've got a solution that you both like.  I'm going to hold onto the toy until then."

**Students at NES have practiced brainstorming.  Kindergartners through Second Graders have utilized a spinning wheel of solutions to help them consider several ideas.  See if your child brings home a conflict resolution circle to use at home.  For instance, classrooms utilize Rock-Paper-Scissors all the time to find a solution that feels fair to everyone.


6.  Smile
We know from Positive Psychology that even a forced smile helps calm and relax the body.  When you smile, you bring lightness and ease to the moment.  Smile because you are doing something that will help your kids build social skills.

7.  Restore the Relationship
While it isn't very helpful to force kids to apologize to each other for how they treated one another, we can talk about taking responsibility by encouraging  children to check in with each other to see if there is anything else needed to make things right between them.  This may not only be a chance for genuine apologies, but also to end the conversation on a positive note -- by thanking, affirming, or forgiving the other person for the tone of voice, unkind words, or physical harm used.

SCRIPT:  Say, "How can we make things right again between the two of you?   Do you have any ideas?"   OR, "Is there anything you would like to say to one another?"  You can also model this by saying something like "I'm impressed that you both put forth a lot of effort to work things out.  You are both such loving siblings!"

    If interested in more Positive Parenting ideas, sign up starting April 23rd to view the free online parenting conference from May 7 -14th.   Positive Parenting Conference 2019




Sunday, April 14, 2019

(Stop, Think, Go!) Conflict Resolution Steps that Work


     NES students are learning the Steps for Collaborative Problem-Solving by using this     TRAFFIC LIGHT Model -- explained in excerpts from the following article by Jennifer Miller
  of confidentparentsconfidentkids.org   


      "He messed with my stuff while I was gone.  My Lego set is broken.  Mooooooom!" cries
  Zachery about his brother.  Sibling rivalry is a common family problem.  Mom could fix it.  
  "Go help your brother fix his Lego set." Or she could help her children learn valuable skills
   in problem-solving.  These opportunities for practicing critical life skills happen daily if 
   you look for them.  Collaborative problem-solving is not one skill alone but requires a 
   whole host of skills including self-control and stress management, self-awareness of 
   both thoughts and feelings, perspective-taking and empathy, listening and effectively 
   communicating, goal setting, anticipating consequences and evaluating actions.

     Roger Weissberg, one of the top leaders in the field of social and emotional learning 
  shared the Traffic Light model that he and his colleagues created.  Dr. Weissberg writes 
  that this promotes "consequential thinking."  Children begin to think through the 
  consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act.  And that kind of thinking 
  promotes responsible decision-making.  this training was used to prevent high-risk 
  behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy and violence in the adolescent 
  years.  Imagine if your children were engaged in developing these skills prior to that
  time of high peer pressures.  They would be ready and prepared with well-rehearsed 
  tools when they are tempted by their friends and you are not there at that moment to 
  protect them.  

  The beauty of this Traffic Light model is in its simplicity....

  RED LIGHT:  Stop!  Calm down and think before you act.
     No problem-solving is going to occur, no feelings repaired until all involved have calmed 
     down.  So take the time you and your children need to calm down.  Breathe!   You can 
     use easy-to -use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble 
     blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear breathing ("Understanding Anger" article by Jennifer 
    Miller)  Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces.   Then....

   Yellow Light:  Caution.  Feel.  Communicate.  Think.

   1) Say the Problem and how you feel. 

      Parents can model this by saying, "I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother
      are arguing.  How are you feeling?"   It helps to have a list of feelings at the ready so 
      that if your child struggles with coming up with a feeling, he can pick one off of a list 
      that best represents how he's feeling.  This practice alone will expand his feeling's 
      vocabulary and he'll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and 
      communicate his situation.  Here is a FEELINGS VOCABULARY LIST to use:  
      Feelings Inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication

     2) Help your child listen to understand the feelings and needs of others in the 
         situation.  Teach your child to paraphrase the other's perspective or ask curious 
        questions until your child can empathize with the other person. 

    3) Now, set a positive goal. 

       Before moving to "Go," have your child think about what they want for themselves 
       and the others involved.  The goal may be as simple as, "I just want to get along 
       with my brother," or "I want to keep my toys safe."   Weissberg writes that setting a 
       positive goal for kids simply means "How do you want things to end up?"

    4) Think of lots of solutions.

        Before jumping to one solution, think of lots.  "I could hide my Legos where my 
        brother can't find them."   "We could agree to ask one another before playing with 
        the others' toys."   "We could promise to repair anything we break."  Involve all who 
        were a part of the problem to generate solutions.  Children who understand there 
        are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making
        an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.

     5) Think ahead to the consequences.

         Parents can ask, "What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother?  What
         might happen?"   Think through the realistic consequences with your children of 
         their various solutions -- both long and short term.  "It may work tomorrow.  But 
         what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom
         floor?  Then what?"  This is a critical step in helping children think through the 
         outcomes of their choices before making them -- important practice for later
         problems when the stakes are higher.

    GREEN LIGHT:  Go!  Try your best plan.
     Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other's 
     toy.  Try it out right away.  See how it works.  If it doesn't work, then talk about it 
     and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work
     better.

     Parents can use logical consequences in concert with this model.  For example, if 
     Zachary harmed his brother, then he can generate solutions to repair the relationship. 
     He may offer a sincere apology.  He may spend time fixing the broken Lego set.  He 
     may help find a place to keep the Lego set safe.  Children need parents' support 
     repairing the harm done.  They need to know that there are multiple options for not 
     only repairing a physical object but also, repairing hurt feelings.  So brainstorm 
     options together and help kids implement them.

    ** Students at NES are also learning to repair their relationships and address hurt 
       feelings with the Restorative Practices model championed by Althea Abruscato, 
       Restorative Practices Coordinator from TEENS, Inc.  


Sunday, April 7, 2019

When to use "consequences" with children


     We make 1000's of decisions each and every day.  Our decisions have real consequences for ourselves and others.  Students at NES are learning to STOP and CONSIDER the CONSEQUENCES that flow from the choices they make.    Real consequences naturally follow from each of our decisions --

     1.  Some consequences affect us,
     2.  some affect others.
     3.  Some happen in the short term and
     4.  other consequences happen much later.
     5.  Some consequences have positive effects and 
     6.  some have negative impacts.

     Helping children slow down to consider their choices and the possible consequences is a learned skill.  The reptilian (lizard) part of our brain pushes us to make quick, thoughtless decisions or merely react with intensity and emotion.  The thinking part of our brain (wizard) helps us think things through before deciding.  It takes practice to really consider what may follow from our words and behaviors.  We can gently guide a children  to think through the potential consequences that could occur.  We can also create a teachable moment after a poor decision to help children think back about the consequences for themselves and others that naturally flowed from their choice.  Natural consequences teach important lessons.

     But quite often, what adults mean by "consequences" are parent-imposed consequences -- spanking, sending the child to timeout, or rescinding privileges, according to Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting.   A parent-imposed consequence is really just a punishment.  (Punishment is defined as causing another person physical or emotional pain with the purpose of getting them to do things your way.)   When parents use "consequences" in this way for discipline, we aren't using the natural result of the child's actions and we are often damaging our relationship with them.  

     The most important thing we can do to get kids to "behave" is to help them see themselves as good people who do the right thing.  Children make poor choices and act badly because they don't have a fully developed frontal cortex.  It isn't that they don't know what's right.  it's that they can't stop themselves from doing what's wrong.  They need our guidance, limit setting, and teaching them the skills needed to make good choices.  We need to talk and listen -- about feelings, values, decisions -- to help our child develop their frontal cortex, so they will be able to control their behavior.  




     The Positive Parenting approach encourages parents to utilize other responses than punishment when our children misbehaves or make poor choices.  Markham offers all these tips in lieu of imposing punitive consequences:  

     1.  Let your child solve the problem.  For instance, when you've asked twice for your child to brush their teeth and they are ignoring you, say -- "You haven't brushed your teeth yet and I want to be sure we have time for a story.  What can we do?"

     2. Invite cooperation with your phrasing.  Consider the difference in these approaches:  "Go brush your teeth now!"  -- No one likes to be told what to do, so a direct order like this often invites resistance, either directly or in the form of stalling.  "Can you go brush your teeth now?  -- Many kids will reflect on this and just say No.  Don't phrase your request in the form of a Yes or No question unless you're willing to accept No for an answer.  "Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?"  -- This strategy works because you're granting your child some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as the parent.

     3. Ask for a Do-over.  "Oops.  i told you to brush your teeth and you ignored me and then I started to yell.  I'm sorry.  That's not how we relate to people we love.  Let's try a do-over."  This is a great way to interrupt things when you're headed down a bad road.  Get down on your child's level and make a warm connection.  "Okay, let's try this again, Sweetie.  It's teeth brushing time.  How can we work as a team to get those germs off your teeth?"  

     4.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Before transitions, give ample warning AND spend a few minutes connecting with your child.  If there's something that your child usually resists, always leave extra time to get it done, so you're relaxed.

     5.  When your child defies you, focus on the relationship rather than on discipline.  Guidance doesn't work without a good relationship because your child stops caring about pleasing you.  A child who is rude is either very upset or expressing her need for a better relationship with you.  In either case, "consequences" will make the situation worse.  

     6.  Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate.  A one year old needs a baby-proofed house, not to learn by "consequences" how to leave things alone.  A four year old needs your help to get through the bedtime routine, not to lose reading time with you when he gets distracted and dawdles.  A ten year old needs your help to make the homework routine into a habit that works for him, not to lose privileges.  

     7.  Get to the root of the problem.  Usually when kids defy us, they're asking for help with their emotions.  So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences.  Connect with him, restate your limit with kindness and compassion, and listen to his upset.  

     8.  Engage the thinking brain by creating safety.  When humans are upset, our brains don't work well because "fight, flight, or freeze" takes over and thinking stops.  So any time there are heightened emotions, start by calming your own emotions to create safety for your child.  

     9.  Use NATURAL consequences.  For instance, "I'm sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but it doesn't work for me to bring it to you.  I hope you won't starve and I will have a snack waiting when you get home."  

     Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting:  An Essential Guide, says, "Throw the word "consequences" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with problem-solving.  You'll be amazed at the change this makes.  Or, talk about  consequences as the things that naturally follow when we make choices.  Help your child consider ahead of time the impact of their choices on themselves and others by using the list at the top of the page.