Building your Child's Emotional Intelligence in a Digital World

       Social Psychologists have long influenced our knowledge about the importance of family relationships and the ability of children to develop social emotional intelligence.  Their research indicates that frequent eye contact, one-on-one time and undivided attention between parents and children are necessary for building secure attachment between the parent and child.  In addition, young children are unable to regulate their emotions if the primary adults in their lives are not responding in a nurturing manner to their displays of emotion.

    Today, there is growing concern over the lack of parental presence when family members occupy the same space but are distracted and absorbed by various media sources.  Wallis (2010) believes “the increased usage of social media has led to a world in which individuals are always distracted from the social and physical presence of ‘here and now’ to a more appealing attentional target.”   So rather than children being given the chance for enough face to face interactions with parents, are they now more likely to observe the back of their parent’s head or forehead, while craving social interaction which will build their emotional intelligence?

    If children’s healthy social skills and ability to regulate their emotions is learned through face to face interactions, and if the depth of attachment and close bonds to their parents is also accomplished through quality interactions, will we experience a reduction or demise of children’s social emotional learning, and sense of relatedness to their families, as our use of media increases?  

    On another familial front, 25% of American couples are saying their relationships are being wrecked by a seductive third party.  Couples are struggling to balance their love for each other with their love for their IPhones or Androids.  According to managing editor of The Week, the average smartphone user checks in about 80 times per day and consumes some form of media 12 hours a day.  “The dazzling images and alluring tidbits of information from the internet are virtually impossible to resist.  Tap a screen and you’re rewarded by the pleasure centers in your brain -- the same ones activated by recreational drugs.” It’s no wonder that we find it difficult to unplug and focus on our loved ones. 

    So for children, teens, and adults who spend time on their devices, Dr. Byun Gi-Wun, a South Korean expert in cognitive problems, warns that heavy reliance on smartphones creates an imbalance in brain development which leads to the right side of the brain becoming stunted.  His work implies there will be eventual memory loss, short attention spans, and problems regulating emotions.  

    In summary, children may not be receiving enough opportunities for human connection or for social emotional learning in their primary relationships surrounded by digital devices.  Couple relationships are showing signs of stress and conflict due to the overuse of media.  And it appears that the excessive use of smartphones and devices is changing the way everyone’s brain is developing.   While there are both benefits and risks (McDaniel, 2012) to the increased use of social media (for instance, young mothers are using online communication to acquire continued support and information needed to help them through the first few months following childbirth), we are at a cultural tipping point in terms of questioning and regulating our media use if we want to raise children with strong social skills and emotional well-being; children who feel deeply attached to their family.  

     As we become more conscious of our tech usage, we may want to purposefully create downtime with our loved ones.  Here are some “US TIME” cards you can create and share with your children: http://www.plantlovegrow.com/uploads/3/4/5/0/34500811/us_time.pdf    Save them for holiday gifts or use them now.  One-on-one time is a present that doesn’t have to cost a dime, and yet, the payoff is tremendous.  

Emotion Coaching and Problem Solving with your Child

Your 6 Step Process for Emotion-Coaching 

(from AhaParenting.com)

       Dr. Laura Markham  (Ahaparenting.com) helps parents use a Stepwise Process to build Social Emotional Intelligence in children.  Nederland educators are also learning how to coach young students to be emotionally intelligent in partnership with Let’s Connect at CU.  This week’s BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lesson will help students identify emotions and notice nonverbal cues that indicate other’s emotional state.

    

When our children get upset, most of us get upset too. If the child is angry at us, we feel defensive; like the child's feelings are unwarranted. If he's upset at something else, we want to make him feel better, to make the emotions go away, as if emotions are dangerous. But struggle is how we learn. Your child isn't creating those feelings, and he needs your help to manage them. The only way to resolve emotions is to go through them. Here's your game plan.

1. Calm yourself first.

• Use your pause button: Stop, drop your agenda (just for now), and take a deep breath before you engage with your child.
• Remind yourself that your goal is to calm the storm for your child, not escalate it.
• Don't take your child's emotions personally. This isn't about you, even if she's screaming “I hate you!” This is about her: her tangled-up feelings and still-developing brain.
• Calm yourself with a mantra: “It’s not an emergency” or “This is an opportunity to be there for my child when he’s upset.”
• Notice the sensations in your body.
• Notice if you feel annoyance, or the urge to make you child’s feelings go away. Decide that your goal is to use this opportunity to build a closer relationship with your child and teach him helpful lessons about accepting and responding to emotions.

2. Connect and Create Safety.

• Reach out to connect emotionally, and if you can, physically.
• Create safety with your touch, your warmth, your tone, your attitude.
• Give your child the verbal and/or nonverbal message: “I will help you…You’re safe...You can handle this.”
• If you breathe slowly and deeply, your child will usually begin to breathe more slowly.

3. Empathize. Match your child's tone. When kids feel that you really get how upset they are, they don't need to escalate.

• Welcome the emotions and reflect them, mirroring your child’s tone. “You look so mad!” or “You seem a little worried about this sleepover.”

• If your child is describing a problem to you, repeat back to him what you've heard: “I hear you loud and clear. You’re fed up with your brother going into your room and taking your gum."

• If your child is expressing anger at you, resist the urge to tell her to be appropriate. Instead, acknowledge the feelings and invite her to tell you what she's upset about. “You must be so upset to talk to me that way, Kayla. Tell me what's happening.”


• If you don't know what your child is feeling or your child gets angry when you “name” her emotions, “upset” is a good all-purpose word: “I hear how upset you are about this.”


• Describing what your child is physically expressing helps him feel seen and heard, and can either help you name emotions or intentionally avoid it:  “I see you’re biting your lip. You look worried.”  Or “Your arms are crossed over your chest like this, and your brows are tight, like this. I wonder what's going on?”

• Acknowledge your child's perspective. “You wish that….”  or “This isn’t what you wanted….”

• If your child is crying, words can be a distraction. Use them sparingly, to create safety and welcome the emotion: “Everybody needs to cry sometimes. It's good to feel those tears and let them go. I'm right here. You're safe."

4. Double-check to be sure your child feels understood by what you've said. This way, you don't have to worry about whether you were able to accurately reflect your child's feelings. Just ask.

“Is that right?”

“Is that what you’re telling me?”

“Am I getting that?”

• Your child may agree—“Of course I’m mad!”—and elaborate.
• Your child may correct you: “I’m not disappointed! I’m mad!” In that case, try again. If possible, use your child's exact words so they know you're listening: “I’m sorry, Caleb. I see now how mad you are. Tell me more about why.”
• Or your child may correct you—“I’m NOT MAD!”—even though it's clear that you were accurate in your perception.That's a signal that your child is feeling judged or analyzed rather than understood. Acknowledge the correction and start over, connecting more as you describe the child's perspective: “I hear you, Lucas. You’re not mad. Let me see if I understand. You wanted X. Is that right?”

Don’t fight about what your child is actually feeling. What's important is that she feels understood. Her awareness of what she's feeling will shift as she moves through the emotions.

5. Deepen the conversation. You can do this by offering support, validating your child’s emotion, or simply inviting your child to tell you more.Validation doesn’t necessarily mean you agree, only that you understand why your child would feel this way. Let yourself feel some of what your child is feeling, while you still stay centered.If you really feel the emotion with your child, then you may get tears in your eyes at how heartbreaking this must be for your child.

• “Ouch, that must have hurt! Want to show me what happened?”
• "Oh, Sofia, no wonder you’re upset.”
• “It could be really embarrassing, to have your teacher say that.”
• “You’re saying that I love your sister more….Ethan, that must feel so awful, to feel that…”
• “I didn’t understand how important this was to you. Tell me more about this.”
• “I hear how angry you are about this. What can I do to help make this better?”
• “So I hear you’re upset because of X and also Y! Is there anything else?” Asking if there's anything else often opens the floodgates to get to the heart of why your child is upset. He may start with what a lousy mother you are for making oatmeal again, and end up telling you that he thinks you love his brother more, or he’s being bullied at school.
• “Thank you for telling me this. I’m sorry that what I did upset you so much. Please tell me more.” When your child is angry at you, let him know you're listening. You may find out something that will transform your relationship for the better. Or you may find that his anger has nothing to do with you after all.
• Describe the incident without judging, so your child feels understood. “Lena wanted to play with your doll and you were worried.You said ‘No!’ and hit Lena and you both cried. Right?” Telling the story helps the child to calm down, reflect, and integrate the emotions, as the emotional experience of the right frontal lobe is articulated by the verbal, more rational understanding from the left frontal lobe.

6. Problem solve. Most of the time, when kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This leaves an opening for problem solving.

If your child still seems upset and negative and isn’t open to problem-solving, that’s a sign that she hasn’t worked through the emotions yet and you need to go back to the earlier steps.

When your child is ready to problem-solve, resist the urge to solve the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives your child the message that you don't have confidence in their ability to handle it. If they feel stuck, help them brainstorm and explore options: “Hmmm…..So you think you might do X. I wonder what would happen then?”

Time consuming? Yes. But you'll notice that as you get more comfortable, you'll move through the steps quickly. Even better, you'll see your child get better at expressing emotions in a constructive way. Emotion coaching raises kids who are more emotionally intelligent. It also helps you stay calm when your child is upset, so it creates a more peaceful household.

Less drama, more love. Win-Win.

Connecting before Correcting was the tip of the iceberg for local parents

     Jessica Dancingheart, a relationship coach, led Nederland area parents through an interactive process last Wednesday evening to learn how to connect with empathy to our children.  “I loved how quickly parents vulnerably opened up to one another around your yearnings, your struggles, and your shared wisdom,” Dancingheart reflected. 

     Much of Jessica’s work is based on our current understanding of brain development.  Research has shown that children’s reasoning abilities don’t fully develop until around age 25.  And yet, we often talk to our children as if they are thinking and processing the same way adults do. 

     At the same time, all humans struggle to reason when their emotions are high.  When our emotion center (Amygdala) and Limbic system are inflamed, neither adults nor children are able to problem solve together.  According to Dancingheart, when our children misbehave, we often go directly into verbally rationalizing what they should have done differently…. or doling out consequences.  Before engaging in this type of power struggle or tense moment with our child, adults were encouraged to first (1) REGULATE their own emotions and identify and care for their own needs in the situation. 

     Having a strong network of friends and support is vital in keeping parents grounded rather than over-reacting to children’s behavior.  A handout of “feeling words” helped parents consider the myriad of emotions that we experience.  By first working to orient ourselves to the present moment and lower the intensity of our own emotions – by breathing deeply to slow ourselves down and noticing what we see, smell, hear, and touch in the present space – we can lower the anxiety and frustration triggered by misbehaving children.  Due to the function of mirror neurons in our brains, if adults can regulate their emotions, our dysregulated children pick up on the calmer energy in the environment and will begin to mirror this energy, or regulate themselves. 

     Once the emotional state of family members is more regulated, parents were encouraged to then (2) RELATE to their children by trying to identify the underlying basic human needs their child is trying to fulfill.  Emotions and needs are the reason for all human behavior.  Dancingheart presented Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in a handout (available in the front office of NES).  Maslow’s general theory is that the basic human needs for rest, food, safety need to be satisfied before other “higher order” needs are satisfied.  When children are “hangry”, there is no reasoning with them until their need for nourishment or rest is met.  Children often demand that things turn out a certain way.  The key is to not get locked into antagonistic duels with family members over specific demands or “wants”.  This can be accomplished by exploring the general human needs underlying everyone’s specific demands, and then finding ways to meet the needs of everyone.  After adults are in a regulated state, if we stop to name our needs and guess the needs of our child, we can create an empathetic connection with them.  Ask them and yourself:  “Are you feeling _____ because you are needing ________? 

     Parents will likely find that their children will self-correct and problem-solve (3) REASON after parents have self-regulated and related to them.   If we want our children to fully develop both their logic and social emotional skills, the key is spending more time really listening, talking, and empathizing with them.  One of the most widely recommended books on this subject is How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.  Marshall Rosenberg’s work about Nonviolent Communication (Raising Children Compassionately) is another great tool for developing empathetic listening skills. 

     The following resources are also available for parents who want to continue to build healthy relationships with their children:

Contact Jessica Dancingheart, relationship consultant, at openingtopossibilities@gmail.com   or 303-589-8420.  Her full day workshop entitled Parenting from the Heart will be held in Boulder County on November18th.

Local resident, Bonnie Sundance, invites any interested parents to continue practicing strong communication skills by joining the Compassionate Communication group that meets every other week in town.  Contact oursacredearth@outlook.com  if interested in finding support from community elders on your parenting journey. 

     A special shout out to TEENS, Inc, the Colorado Office of Behavioral Health, Nederland Elementary School and NMSHS for sponsoring this event in our mountain community.  

Growing the Whole Child

Raise a Smart Kid Who Loves to Learn from AhaParenting.com

Most people believe that intelligence is static; either you're smart or you're not. But it turns out that intelligence is like a muscle: it can be developed with use. Stanford researcher Carol Dweck explains that students who believe they can "get smarter" by challenging themselves are more effective learners. Students who hold the more conventional view -- that they're either smart or not, which is known as a "fixed" view of intelligence -- worry that they might look dumb if they make a mistake, so they shrink from learning anything new.

  So our goal as parents is to raise kids who believe in their ability to build mental muscle. 

Although intelligence is often equated with scores on IQ tests, most scholars now believe that IQ tests assess only part of a person’s intelligence. Traditional IQ tests basically measure the child's retention of verbal and mathematical knowledge. Unfortunately, this limited dimension is then equated with the child's intellectual potential.

Experts also question the obsession in our culture with pushing children to read or achieve academically before kindergarten age. Toddlers and preschoolers have other, more critical work to do, from building with blocks, to playing with rhythm and color, to learning how to get along with their peers. Research shows that these activities provide the foundation for later learning, from math skills to reading.

As Albert Einstein said, "Play is the highest form of research." 

Even imaginative play, which builds self-discipline and social skills, makes a fundamental contribution to later academic success. Verbal and Logical Intelligence actually begin with talking and wondering, when kids participate in thousands of everyday conversations about life. There's also a great deal of research pointing to "emotional intelligence" as a critical component of school success. If you can't manage your impulses and use your executive function to focus, it doesn't matter what your cognitive potential is. Creative and imaginative play--both alone and with other people--develops these skills.

Dr. Howard Gardner describes different kinds of intelligence that are important in human functioning, all of which kids need an opportunity to develop: 
• Verbal Intelligence
• Bodily / Kinesthetic Intelligence
• Logical/Mathematical Intelligence
• Musical Intelligence
• Interpersonal Intelligence
• Intrapersonal Intelligence
• Visual / Spatial Intelligence
• Nature Intelligence
• Existential Intelligence

As long as your child has the opportunity to play and structure her own time--instead of spending all her time on academic pursuits and screens--she will naturally explore most of these areas. Our job as parents? Encourage our kids’ natural curiosity and interests, from dancing to reading to drawing. And make sure our kids know that it’s intellectual lifting that builds brainpower. Discomfort while learning is to be expected. Learning new things is hard, but your child can do hard things.

Teaching Children the Power of Positive Thinking

Here is a mother's confession and self- reflection -- "My son’s extremely picky eating habits often drove me crazy.  My daughter’s intense roller coaster of emotions also strained my nerves.  I often thought of my children’s challenging behaviors as only negative, until one day our family doctor referred to our son as a “selective and cautious eater” instead of “picky”.  I was also reminded that my daughter’s strong willed personality would probably take her far in life when a friend recommended reading Raising your spirited child:  A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka.  Substituting the word “spirited” for other words I normally used to describe my daughter (like difficult, stubborn, impossible) changed how I thought of her developing personality.  I began re-framing current frustrations with new concepts. And it changed my world."

    If you have ever caught yourself defining your child in an entirely negative light, see if a change in language, and a focus on the positive aspects of their behavior, changes how you feel and how you interact with your child.  Note below how your child’s worst behaviors may denote underlying personal strengths, real needs and the natural expression of emotions if re-framed in a positive vein:

Bossy    turns into                              Good Director or Natural Leader

Clingy                                                               Affectionate

Conceited                                                         Confident

Crabby                                                             Communicates Needs

Dawdles                                                           Easy going or Mindful

Defiant                                                           Strong beliefs or Courageous

Demanding                                                       Assertive

Dramatic                                                          Expressive

Fearful                                                             Careful

Fussy                                                                Discerning Tastes and Needs

Goofy                                                                Entertaining

Impulsive                                                          Spontaneous

Lazy                                                                  Needs Encouragement

Loud                                                                  Exuberant

Manipulative                                                     Understands People

Messy                                                               Practicing Skills

Mouthy                                                             Expressive

Naughty                                                            Explores Boundaries

Nosey                                                               Curious or Inquisitive

Quiet                                                                Reflective

Sensitive                                                          Aware of Feelings

Shy                                                                   Inner Directed or Values Trust

Talkative                                                          Good Communicator

Talks Back                                                        Courageous or Honest

Tattletale                                                         Seeks Justice

Timid                                                                Careful

Wants Attention                                               Loves being with you

Whiney                                                              Needs assurance

     A shift in thinking can make a big difference in how we relate to others.  This week, NES students are studying how positive thinking can change their mood, and can also change what they say or do.   Students practiced “flipping” negative comments and thoughts by (1) looking at the situation from a positive perspective, (2) focusing on facts instead of opinions, and (3) describing people’s behavior instead of labeling the person.  Negative thinking -- characterized as full of blame for ourselves or others, assuming or predicting the worst, expecting perfection, and endless worrying -- was being re-framed in their tiny minds. Children’s heads filled with quietly spoken or invisible “Positive self Talk” as their Inner Critic was replaced by an encouraging Inner Coach.  Primary grades read Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon to hear an affirming Grandma's voice counter a bully's negative comments.

      This week, Jessica Dancingheart, presenter for “Connecting before Correcting” will encourage parents to look underneath misbehavior for the child’s needs and feelings.  Join us from 5:30 -7:30 pm on Oct. 4th at Nederland Elementary for an interactive, thought-provoking presentation about raising children with strong Social Emotional Intelligence.