Can't get through to your child?

     Students at NES are practicing Empathetic Listening Skills.  No matter what words are shared by their peers, they are listening intently for the underlying feelings and needs being expressed when someone is talking. They are also crafting open-ended, curious questions to further explore what is going on; to understand the other person's point of view.  These learned conversation skills are crucial for working through problems with their friends.

     Likewise, Dr. Laura Markham (Ahaparenting.com)  looks at what has gone wrong in our conversations when we parents feel like we can't get through to our children.

"I've tried everything, but I just can't get through to this child!"

     It's so frustrating when you can't get through to your child, says Markham.  And it makes it almost impossible to parent well, since your child isn't open to your influence.  Happily, children do look to us for love, protection, and guidance, as long as they feel warmly connected to us.  As children develop, they naturally want to explore the world and learn for themselves.  We can't control them -- we can never control another human being, Markham reminds us, -- but as long as we have a good relationship with our child, we have influence.

     So why would a child stop looking to their parent for guidance?  Usually this happens when children begin to think WE aren't listening, or we wouldn't understand, or we just don't care about what matters most to them.

     That doesn't mean we've done something wrong, says Markham.  It might mean your child is strong-willed and an experiential learner, and they just want to do what they want, even if you don't like it.  But still, in that case, they are willing to risk their relationship with you for what they want, and that's a sign that the relationship needs strengthening.  Bottom line:  Our children shut us out when they think they can't get through to us.  Why should they listen when they don't feel heard?  

     So if you want more influence with your child, the "cure" is to strengthen and sweeten your relationship, says Markham.  Or as Stephen Covey famously said,  "Seek first to understand."
    That doesn't mean you just say yes to whatever your child wants.  Mostly, the strength of your relationship depends on whether your child trusts you to understand their perspective, believe in them, and be on their side, no matter what.

     1. Are you willing to listen, to try to see things from your child's perspective?  If so, the child learns that he doesn't get everything he wants, but he gets a parent who understands, no matter what.

    2. Can you set limits with empathy, meaning that you offer understanding of what she wants and why, even when you can't say yes?  If so, the child feels understood even when she doesn't get what she wants, so she accepts limits more readily.

     3. Are you looking for win-win solutions (or do you insist on being right, which by definition means someone else has to be wrong)?  If so, the child learns that in a relationship, we try to make it work for both people.

    4. When you look at your child, do you see mostly positives, no mater what he's done wrong?  If so, the child learns to see himself as good, even when he makes mistakes -- which means he's more likely to "do good."

     Our intention to understand is what helps our child feel safe enough to accept our guidance.  None of us ever change except from a place of safety.

     Of course, extending understanding isn't easy when you're upset.  The key is to calm yourself and get clear on your positive intention before you open your mouth.  Your child may not know what words are going through your mind, but he or she will always feel your intention, says Markham.

    Life with children can sometimes feel like a battle, but our children are never the enemy.  Yes, you are responsible for "teaching" your child to act right.  But kids don't act right when we see them as "wrong."  We need to hold onto a vision of our child's best self for our child to act as that self.  If you can manage you own emotions, you can find the good will and emotional generosity to see your child's perspective.    That doesn't mean that you necessarily agree with their behavior, just that you see your child is struggling, and you want to help them feel better, so they can DO better.  And yes, you can do this even while you set limits on behavior.  Once your child feels you're on their side, rather than out to control them, everything can shift.

      "The key to communication is not what we say, but rather the attitude that lies behind what we say... all of us are telepathically communicating all the time.  Every moment, we are choosing to join or to separate, and the person to whom we're speaking feels what we have chosen, regardless of their words."
                                            -- M. Williamson

   Cecilia and Jason Hilkey (HappyFamily.com) offer additional ideas for parents struggling to get their teenagers to change their behavior:  

     What do you do when your adolescent is spending too much time on a screen?
     Or staying up too late?
     Or behind on homework?
     Or getting sucked into social drama with friends?

     Especially as kids get older, how do we influence them while still maintaining our connection?  How do we give our adolescents practice making their own choices -- and making mistakes -- while still keeping them safe?

     As parents -- if we are not going to resort to punishments or rewards, threats or yelling -- our best bet is to influence our children in positive ways, through our connection with them, and through conversations.  But HOW do we talk to our adolescents?   How do we have a conversation about a "hot topic" that doesn't devolve into us lecturing, and our teen rolling her eyes, rebelling, or sneaking behind our backs?  Is there a technique we can use to help kids change their minds?

     YES!   Motivational Interviewing!  Read more about the four core skills of Motivational Interviewing from Dr. Christine Carter, author of  The New Adolescence.   

      Four core conversation skills (O.A.R.S.) help keep your parent-child relationship afloat and work to change behaviors.  In brief, they are ~

     1.  Open-ended Questions.  Too often parents inadvertently use YES/NO questions to drill children.  Make a conscious effort to frame questions as open-ended so that your child can share more about what is going on from their perspective.   "How do you feel about all this?"  "What do you think the pros and cons are?"  
     2.  Affirmations.  Notice and comment on your child's positive qualities and effort.  Your conversations with your loved ones should include five times as many positive statements as critical comments to create their openness to listening to your point of view.
     3.  Reflection Statements.  Try to accurately mirror back the thoughts and feelings your child shares.  See if you can demonstrate that you "get" them, even if you disagree with what they have said.  
    4.  Summarize the child's position.  "If I understand you correctly....."

Seek first to understand.

     These four core skills are an effective way to talk when your goal is to eventually change someone's  behavior.  See more in the entire chapter in The New Adolescence devoted to Motivational Interviewing~ complete with scripts, details, and examples.   This book is a slam dunk, in so many ways, including the not-to-be-missed chapter about teens smoking pot and drinking.  These core skills are applicable in so many situations with young children, teens, AND adults.  

Getting Children to "Listen" when it's time to do Chores

     

     Research shows that kids who have household responsibilities are more likely to step up and help others outside the home.  So why don't kids help more, and what can you do about this challenge in your own home?

     The main work of children is actually play.  Many times we forget that children have not yet developed their executive functioning skills which allow them to plan ahead, initiate tasks, follow a series of directions, stay on task, get organized, persevere through challenges, utilize good time management, and draw from their working memory, etc.  

     When our children fail to do as we ask and chip in to complete chores, it often helps to take a step back and see if we are providing the needed steps and guidance to get their compliance.  Here are some effective ways to teach life skills through understanding brain development and the importance of your relationship: 

1.  Get in close proximity to your child before you ask your child to help with a task.  Create eye contact with the child, perhaps bend down to their level or touch their shoulder, and have them look at you.  It is easier for them to ignore your audio request from a distance.  

2.  Give specific directions rather than asking children to do something vague.  "It's time to make your bed and put the dirty clothes in the hamper" versus "I told you to clean your room."

3  Ask the child to repeat the directions before proceeding on.  "Please tell me what you heard.  What is being requested of you?"  

4.  Make a visual list of steps to accomplish.  Providing a list gives something concrete for the child to refer back to.  Some kids like to check off items along the way.  Try calling them contributions instead of chores.  This wording focuses the child on how they can be an integral part of taking care of their family.  

Saturday contributions:  

1.  Feed the cat  

2.  Bring your dirty clothes to the laundry room  

3.  Vacuum the living room 

4.  Come get a big hug from dad 💛

5.  Model what you want your child to do, then have them try it. You can't really expect your child to do a job as well as you would.  You probably weren't so thorough at his age, either.  So...demo, demo, demonstrate.  Many of us learn best when we can experience the directions. Think about the reason you want your child to help ~ it's to learn life skills and to experience how good it feels to contribute.  Expect to spend time teaching and supervising.  Consciously involve your child in what you're doing from an early age, even though it takes much more time.

6. Give your child a moment to transition from what they were doing into what you want them to do.  For instance, 

 "Wow, that looks like fun.  I see that you are in the middle of a game, but the dog is begging for you to take her for a walk.  You can play one more round and then let's break to take the dog before finishing the game."  

7.  Give one direction at a time.  Break a big job into smaller steps so it doesn't seem overwhelming to your child. Help your child master each step.  Perhaps, take photos of them doing it and make a small poster with each step visualized.  Once your child takes responsibility for a task, try to minimize your control over that task.  Instead of redoing a job she has done, focus on the positive aspects of what your child has accomplished.

8.  Turn your request into a game.  Make it fun to cooperate with your request.  "Let's see if we can act like orangutans while washing the windows?"  Or, "Let's play beat the clock.  I'll set the timer and we'll see if we can get these jobs all done in 20 minutes."  Experiment with being silly and playful and ridiculous about reminding your child about their chores, until everyone is laughing about the dishes getting cleared from the table.  Your anxiety will disappear, and any power struggles will disappear too.  And once there's lightness and fun about it, you might even find that your kids no longer need prompting, says Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com)

9. Even adults hate some chores.   Give kids choices whenever possible.  "You can pick one easy task and one longer job from the contribution list today.  You decide which two tasks you want to accomplish before lunch."  Providing choice and sharing power are very motivating to any age human. 

10.  Do chores together whenever possible.  Set aside a time of day when all family members are working on chores.  Buddy up, sing silly songs, and get 'er done.   Recognize that your child doesn't see much intrinsic value in household work, unless she's doing it with you.  Instead of sending her off to work by herself, see the work as an opportunity to bond with her.  Play her favorite music and sing along.  Find the joy in working together, and inspire your child with it.

11.  Give praise after they have followed through.  "Thanks so much for helping our family get everything done today!   You rock!"

    When parents want their children to "listen", they often really mean they want them to "obey."   The above-mentioned approaches help a child's developing brain follow through more easily with what is being asked of them.  See if any of these paths get your family closer to where you would like for them to be?

Practice Deep Listening to develop Empathy in Children

     Students at Nederland Elementary have been working to develop more Empathy for others.  They are:   
           ~observing facial expressions, body language, situational clues & the tone of voice
             utilized,
           ~offering gestures of kindness and compassion,
           ~listening with their whole bodies so they can reflect the underlying feelings of
             others,
           ~asking curious, open-ended questions to clarify their assumptions and thoughts.

     Children require a great deal of coaching in these areas and need adults to model these strong social skills in order to build the neural pathways that access empathy and compassion in their Wizard Brains.

     One tool we use at NES is to teach listening with our whole bodies.  This concept goes far beyond hearing words with our ears to encompassing listening to nonverbal cues with our eyes, quieting our hands and feet so we can listen without multitasking, using our brains to listen for the underlying feelings and needs of the speaker, not interrupting with our mouths and then responding by repeating, summarizing, or asking open questions to learn more.

  

How often do we adults find ourselves using phrases with children such as "pay attention" or "listen carefully"?  When we make these requests, we may not realize that we're giving kids an unspoken expectation that we want them to stop whatever they are doing and show us they are listening with their whole body.  However, do we ever really teach them all the components of what whole body listening looks like?  If not, when the child doesn't show those behaviors, we feel frustrated and assume they don't want to comply.  Listening skills must be broken down into concrete, explicit steps in order to help children understand the "how" and "why" of listening.  Young children will enjoy learning these steps in Can you listen with your eyes?  by Nita Everly or in the video Whole Body Listening with Larry

           In order for children to develop effective listening skills, we need to practice deep listening with them.  When we are truly listening to our child, our immediate response isn't advice, minimizing the situation, or offering solutions.  These responses get in the way of our children regulating their emotions and coming up with their own solutions to life's challenges.  Your child needs your full attention and your empathy to develop their own empathy and problem-solving capabilities.    Ahaparenting.com and ConfidentParentsConfidentKids.org offer these parenting tips for Deep Listening with your child~

1.  Remember that all your child's behavior is communication.  
     How do we listen to a shy, quiet child or to a defiant one?  Even children who don't say much want to connect with you.  Accept it on their terms.  A handshake, a hug, a long look in each other's eyes, a high-five or a playful pillow fight may be as meaningful and full of connection as a deep conversation.  Observe your child's behavior and think about what they are communicating to you.  What need are they trying to meet?  What emotion are they expressing?  If your child isn't obeying, consider how you can give them choices and empower them to do what you are asking:  Instead of saying "I've asked you three times, do it now!"  Re-frame your request and empower the child by giving choices inside of the expectation:  "Would you like to do it on your own or have me help you?"  Or, "would you like to leave now or have ten more minutes?"  Finding ways to give limited choices to a defiant child, or be playful while getting a job done, helps children "listen" to the request instead of digging in their heels.

"Every message is beautiful if we hear need behind it." ~Marshall Rosenberg

2.  Pay full attention.
     When your child is ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait.  Your child knows when you're really listening.  She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to and don't.  Turn off your cell phone.  Really.  She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the phone or screen just to listen to her.

3.  Use Conversation Starters rather than Conversation Closers.
     Culturally, we tend to be in the habit of not using feeling words.  Conversation openers acknowledge and reflect feelings without judgement or suggestions, rather than shutting down feelings.  Questions may have the potential to put the other person on the spot and cause defensiveness.  Use questions, not to probe, but to clarify your assumptions and inferences --
     "You sure sound angry at your brother...Is that how you're feeling tonight?"   versus  "Why are you so grumpy?...You just have to make more of an effort to get along with your brother."

4.  Don't Take it Personally as you listen to your Child Rant.
     When children get upset, they sometimes retaliate in an argument with hurtful words like "I hate you."  Try not to take those statements to heart.  Though they are intended to wound in the moment, they are coming from a feeling of lack of control.  Walk away and take time to cool down.  In calmer moments, discuss how those words are painful and coach your child to rephrase how he is feeling without harming others.  "Could you say instead, 'I hate what you did.  I hate what you are doing?'  The goal is to listen for the feeling underneath the rant and focus their words on the action not the doer of the action.

5.  Reflect Feelings and Needs instead of probing.
     "Tell me how you feel" is not empathy.  Empathy is mirroring whatever your child is already telling you.  "You seem sad this morning" or "You're very quiet tonight...maybe you need a little down time?" reflects the emotions and needs underlying what you are seeing and hearing.

6.  Use Words that Validate your Child's Experience.
     If you have listened deeply, your response reflects their experience.  Say just enough to validate their perspective when your child has had an unpleasant experience -- "No wonder you're upset" or "Nothing seems to be going right for you today."  When kids feel their emotions are understood, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate.

7.  Don't put your child on the spot.
     If you would love for your child to open up more to you, see if they share when you aren't looking directly at them.  Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, doing dishes, or walking down the street.  Sometimes when we turn the lights out at night, kids pour out  their souls to us in the dark.  Make some of those opportunities happen and see what follows.

8.  Don't start Solving their Problem.
     The point is to listen in such a way that lets him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself.  Kids learn most from the opportunity to hear themselves talk and come to their own conclusions.  Facilitating a child's thinking in this way can support him in internalizing thought processes that lead to responsible decision- making.  For instance, instead of saying "Be careful,"  ask him "What do you need to remember when you play at the park or get ready for school, or...?"  Engage their critical thinking skills by having them re-state the rules, steps, or precautions that have been given.

9.  Listening isn't the same as Obeying you.
When it feels like children aren't "listening" to your direction, try front loading the situation using specific guidelines and boundaries to create clear expectations.  Or instead of saying, "Be quiet! Stop yelling!" after things have gone haywire, re-frame in the positive and give specific directions to coach them to do what is expected:  "Please take a moment to take a deep breath, then you'll be able to either whisper or talk softly to say what you want."

10. Cultivate a deeper Understanding of what is Normal.
     Because so often our greatest challenges with our kids stem directly from their developmental struggles to learn what they need to, learning about children's development deepens our understanding of them.  We will listen and respond differently to their behavior when we understand what is perfectly normal for a child of their age.  Check out the free resource -- NBC Parent Toolkit

     There may be no greater demonstration of love than DEEP LISTENING.  Practice listening with empathy to truly understand your child's thoughts, feelings, and needs.  When you model empathetic listening skills, it helps your child identify and accept their emotions, regulate the intensity of them, learn to listen to other's perspectives, and eventually think about how best to problem solve.