Sunday, October 27, 2019

Learning to Accept Imperfection in our Children


Image result for unconditional love   


  "Perfectionism hampers success.  In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis."  
~Brene' Brown



     "Yeah!   A mistake!"  When was the last time you responded that way when your child messed up or didn't do something perfectly the first time around?  Are you operating from your reptilian brain, or your higher brain, when you react to your child's challenges?  According to Dr. Laura Markham, from ahaparenting.com,  "kids need the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.   That's the only place any of us can start from to grow."   Markham goes on to say --

     Most of us judge ourselves harshly.  We're so far from perfect.  We overslept, ate that cake, forgot to return a phone call, snapped at our partner, yelled at our kid, didn't feed him a hot breakfast, hustled him out the door so fast he forgot his homework.  And while we're judging ourselves, how's the kid turning out?   Not so perfect either?   Nothing makes us more anxious than our child having a hard time.

     But perfection is too low a standard.  Why not use love as your yardstick?  Can you forgive yourself for all those inevitable human missteps -- and just keep turning yourself around so you're on the right track again?  Can you remind yourself that your child isn't perfect because he or she is human, and an immature, still developing human at that?

     What kids need from us is the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.  That's the only place any of us can start from to grow.  

     So can you adore your child exactly as he is today?  Sure, you want to guide him, that's your job:  "Let's wait our turn at the slide.... Here's how you work out with your sister how to share the toy....We brush our teeth every night...."   But offering that guidance with humor and understanding is VERY different than guiding from your own FEAR ("Is there something wrong with him?").  Fear shades so quickly into criticism and gives your child the message that somehow he just isn't quite good enough.

     Instead, can you guide today with faith that your child is blossoming and growing all the time, becoming her best self?   What she needs from you, more than teaching, is the emotional nutrients to thrive:  unconditional love, joy in who she is, faith in the friendliness of the universe and in her own goodness and ability to grow.

     So today, use the challenges of life to create love where there wasn't any before.  Let go of fear and perfectionism.  Choose love.  Embrace your imperfect self with compassion.  Meet your child heart to heart, delighting in who he is, imperfections and all.  Focus on all the things you love about him.  Chalk the "imperfections" (yours and your child's) up to learning experiences, and use them to get back on track.

    And start aiming higher than perfection.  Aim for unconditional love.  

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     When we are able to love our children unconditionally, we are channeling our higher brain -- the part that allows us to have a compassionate Growth Mindset.  Our higher Wizard Brain helps us realize that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and mistakes aren't the end of the world.  We are all just learning and growing.  Our children's failures are just their First Attempt In Learning  and these attempts are normally riddled with mistakes.  Thinking with a Growth Mindset helps us have more self-compassion as well as compassion for others; more hope, more forgiveness.  This open-minded, flexible mindset helps us tackle the difficulties in our lives and keep on trying.  And we want our children to have this kind of mindset that gives them resilience to keep on going after setbacks.  

     Students at NES are learning about how their reptilian brain can automatically make them think with a Fixed Mindset about themselves and others.  When we face challenges, a fixed mindset creates a negative, often rigid, view of the situation.  It makes us assume that mistakes are catastrophic and people who make mistakes are "bad".  This kind of mindset makes us feel lousy when we do things imperfectly; like we are a failure when something doesn't come easily.  We tend to give up in the face of adversity, or avoid tough situations and people all together.  We assume others won't change and grow from their mistakes.  This rigid, fixed mindset and desire for perfectionism is what Brene' Brown says produces anxiety and depression in us and our children.  

     In order to override our natural tendency to judge ourselves and others, and in order to foster both self-compassion and compassion for others, we parents must try to check our fears at the door.  We must believe in the ability of our children to eventually learn and grow from their experiences without chiding them for every failure.  Just say, "Oops, that didn't work well.  What can we learn from that experience?"  when your child makes the wrong choice.  Their higher order brain which helps them make better decisions is still developing until their mid-to late 20's.  Children would do better, if they knew how.  So today, offer nothing but love.  


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Friday, October 18, 2019

Pausing to Calm Oneself when we are Overwhelmed by our Emotions


     

     Slow Yourself Down and Utilize a Healthy Coping Strategy when you are overwhelmed, upset, or unable to focus.  This is the message your children are learning at school.  Pausing and doing self care gives our brain time to relax and reflect; time to think about how to solve the challenges in our lives.  It moves us from a purely reactive, emotional state into a responsive, problem-solving state of mind.  It allows our nervous system to become more balanced and the emotional and rational parts of our brain to become integrated.  

     Every classroom at Nederland Elementary (and also most classrooms at Nederland Middle School) have a REFOCUS CENTER in them.  This is a place where kids can ask to go for a few minutes when they are worked up, when they've had a disagreement with someone, or when they can't focus on their school work.  There is a quiet place with a soft floor pillow, a reflection manual, and some tools and suggested strategies to select from.  Watch this 2 min video to see how one school has utilized this idea --  Calming Corners in every Classroom 

   Children may appreciate having a similar sort of calming space in your home.  This provides an opportunity for you to introduce healthy calming strategies to your child; to help them soothe and regulate their big emotions instead of being punished for having them.  It is a place to express and experience their feelings through writing, artwork, reading, sensory tools, deep breathing or meditating.  


     Create a calming corner with your child.  Think about where a cozy spot in your house might be.  Think about what calming tools and strategies you might keep in it.  By teaching children that there are healthy options for de-stressing, for feeling their sadness or for working through their frustration, they learn that they can help themselves de-escalate strong emotions.  They have some control when they begin to feel uncomfortable and out of control.  

     Collect some of the following items and help children practice using these strategies to see which ones work best for them in different situations.  Remind children these strategies are "in their toolbox" when they need them.  Talk openly about your favorite healthy strategies for taking care of yourself after a difficult day.  When children notice how we care for ourselves, they can more easily develop self-care practices themselves.  


     Possible Calming Strategies to Try with your Children:

Deep breathing using a pinwheel or bubbles
Deep breathing with a stuffed animal on your belly
Deep breathing while tracing up and down your fingers
Finger breathing (as if you had a Hoberman's Sphere)
Taking a mindful walk outside
Yoga balancing poses
Imagining your favorite place
Picturing the people you care about
Coloring mandalas
Drawing or using watercolors to show how you feel
Saying the alphabet slowly
Remembering the words to a song you love
Running water over your hands
Getting a cool drink of water
Enjoying a hot cup of tea
Rubbing a worry stone or holding a favorite object
Noticing something with all five of your senses
Exercising or doing push ups
Making a fist and then releasing it; massaging the palms of your hands
Talking to yourself in a positive way
Taking a shower or a warm bath
Counting to 100 (backwards)
Listening to music
Tightening, then relaxing muscles from head to toe
Rocking and giving yourself a hug
Watching a glitter jar or liquid timer
Reading about feelings
Playing with your pet or a stuffed animal
Doing a random act of kindness
Listing all the things you are grateful for
Dancing and giggling
Creating with play dough, clay or theraputty



    There are six different approaches to lowering your intense emotions.  See if you can include tools from each of these categories into your child's Cozy Corner:  

    1.  Soothing your amygdala by using your sense of smell, sight, hearing and touchWeighted pillows, aromatherapy, liquid timers, soothing music, and sensory toys all fit into this category.
    2.  Moving the emotional energy out of your body.  Exercise, whole body muscle relaxation exercise, a warm bath, tai chi or yoga poses all help release the emotional tension in your body.
    3.  Doing an action to create the opposite emotion within yourself.  Listing things you are grateful for, playing with a pet, dancing and reading jokes, singing your favorite song, imagining your happy place and people who love you are all ways to increase your happiness and decrease uncomfortable feelings.
   4.  Deep breathing is the #1 best way to lower BIG emotions and get you out of the fight or flight mode.  Find fun ways to practice slowing down your breath -- elephant breathing, bumble bee breathing, breathing boards to trace, blowing bubbles, etc.
    5.  Expressing and processing your emotions.  Writing or drawing how you feel, talking to a supportive person, and noticing where in your body you are feeling uncomfortable can help you experience the emotion and let it pass through your body. 
    6. Temporarily distracting yourself.  Doing a puzzle or Rubix cube, sudoku, coloring, cleaning your room, or watching a short video can help you pause and give your Wizard Brain time to catch up with your emotional reaction.  





Monday, October 14, 2019

Creating Deep Connection with your Children


          Every month, parents coalesce at the Mountain Strong Families presentation (hosted at Nederland Elementary School by TEENS, Inc) to support one another, understand their children better, and find helpful ways to respond to challenging behaviors.  In October, counselors Kimberly Bryant and Kestrel Hansen Neathawk welcomed parents of toddlers to teenagers with the following words:  "We are so proud of you for showing up to talk about raising kind, thoughtful, grounded children.  This is not easy work."

     As hard as parenting can be, today's parents have a decided advantage over past generations who wanted to do right by their child.  The field of human development and neuroscience has shed new light on why kids act the way they do, as well as which parenting approach will wire their brains for future success and well-being.

     So, what have we learned from current research?  First, children are more likely to "obey" when they are firmly bonded to us and therefore want to please.  Long before they act out, we want to make sure we are connecting deeply with them.  A ratio of at least five positive, warm and intimate interactions with our children are needed for every time we reprimand them.  If we've gotten into the habit of redirecting our children all day long but are forgetting to fill their emotional bank with close, nurturing memories of being with us, discipline becomes a constant power struggle.  Think of all the ways you can connect deeply with your child -- no matter what their age is -- by telling a funny story from when they were younger, telling them what you appreciate about them, writing in a journal to each other, looking through family photos with them, giving at least a six-second hug, or leaving a surprise love note for them to find.  



     Neathawk and Bryant also discussed the idea of "proactive parenting".  Long before misbehavior and blow ups occur, parents must be aware that all humans will inevitably melt down or lash out when they are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  Bryant encouraged parents to think about the preemptive routines and practices we can build into each day to avert many of these emotional triggers for our children.  Parents bubbled forth with creative and practical ideas to prevent meltdowns -- from creating one easily accessible kitchen cabinet for healthy snacks... to playfully wrestling with their child....from insuring there would be 15 minutes of daily "special time" between them and each of their children... to letting go of some of the "must do" activities like homework.  One parent highly recommended reading The Rhythm of Life by Kelly Matthew for inspiration about how to simplify the pace of family life.

     When it comes to correcting challenging behavior, parents have traditionally reacted with spankings, time outs and consequences.  Recent research in human development challenges all of these past practices.  Modern-day caretakers are strongly encouraged to relinquish all forms of punishment from their repertoire as we learn how humans develop life skills.  Any consequence can feel punitive when we dole it out when we are angry and disgusted with our child.  

     The job of parenting is to figure out what kids are trying to communicate with their behavior.  According to Dr. Dan Siegel of the No-Drama Discipline Workbook, we must chase the "why" behind their disobedience, choices, and emotional outbursts.  When children are misbehaving, something is wrong.  In chasing the why, parents should be asking:  "What is my child feeling? What are they needing?  How can I help them regulate their big emotions and learn strong social emotional skills instead of punishing them for not knowing how else to act?"  

     Siegel focuses on using "time-ins" to empathize with the child while soothing their dysregulated limbic system.  Why are "time-ins" so important for teaching social emotional skills?  Because if the child could get their needs met by thinking of a better way, they would.  But the thinking part of their brain takes up to 25+ years to develop.  Our job is to help the child integrate the emotional part of their brain with the thoughtful problem-solving part of their brain.  When children are misbehaving, they are stuck in their "downstairs" reactionary, survival-mode brain.  In the midst of a tantrum (or melt down by a teenager), children cannot access their rational brain, nor process our wordy lectures.  We must help them regulate before we try to teach and correct the behavioral choices.  Banishing a child to their room to regulate themselves can make a child feel "bad" for having emotions and feel overwhelming for them to do alone.  



          Sitting with a child who is defiant, sobbing or screaming, isn't easy to do.  But this is exactly the time they need you the most.  Saying to a child, "I know this is hard.  You're upset.  I'm here to help you through it," wires positive neural pathways between the emotional and rational brain and deepens the bond between the parent and child.  Punitive reactions have the opposite effect -- severing the parent-child relationship and triggering either fear or a more defensive response in the brain of the child.

     Discussion may need to happen much later when everyone is calmer.  Circling back is always an option.  Connecting deeply to what your child is feeling and needing helps regulate their emotions and eventually opens their "upstairs" brain to talking things through and learning from their choices.  

     The next Mountain Strong Families event will be on Wednesday, November 6th as we learn Communication Tips for a Happier Home.  Come discover strategies for how to "turn down the shark music" in your head before you correct your child.  Practice communicating empathy and comfort to your child in the midst of disciplining them.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org for free childcare and dinner beginning at 5:30 pm.  



Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Kids who Misbehave are often craving Connection





"Every time you think of calling a kid 'attention-seeking', 
consider changing it to 'connection-seeking', 
and see how your perspective changes."  
~Dr. Jody Carrington

     On Weds, Oct 9th, parents will gather for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation to talk about Connecting Deeply with Our Children in order to Help them Learn.  One aspect of deep connection is being mindful about screen usage when we are with our children.  The bond our children develop to us (or fail to fully develop) is primarily created in face-to-face interactions when we are responding with empathy to their feelings and needs.  Unfortunately, we live in a culture of nonstop screen usage which can interfere with the ability of our children to bond and connect with us; to feel like we are really present with, and there for them.   

     Fewer children are entering Kindergarten with the ability to regulate their emotions.  These skills are developed in face-to-face interactions with caring adults.  If we want our children to have strong social-emotional skills, we may need to rethink our usage of screens when we are with them.  Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. D. tackles this issue head on in Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids. She reminds us of the valuable social-emotional lessons our children will miss if we are distracted by our screens.  

     As hard as it can be to limit our phone use, says Hartwell-Walker, below are five important reasons to do so:

1.  Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying.  The "look at me's" you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement.  When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids will soak it up.  They try again.  They push themselves to the next level.




2.  Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank.  When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life's problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life's challenges.  When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms.  Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles in life, they will have what it takes to cope.

3.  Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them.  They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices.  They are learning the words for the things and people of their world.  They are learning how those words get strung together.  Television doesn't help children learn language.  It's too passive.  They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being.  Parking them in front of even the best children's TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between babies and their parents.  Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence.  "Where did all that come from?" they ask.  It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they're on the phone.

4.  Conversation builds brain power.  Little kid's brains are sponges.  The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb.  Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize.  Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life.  One and two word answers don't do it.  Commands don't do it.  A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn't do it either.  Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world.  That's one of the many good reasons to read to children.  It's not just for the entertainment of the stories.  It's also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language.




5.  Our kids need our first priority to be our relationship with them, not our phones.  Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them.  Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives.  Yes, quality time has a certain special quality.  We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo.  But those days are special because they are rare.  For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. (I love my phone as much as the next person.  I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family.  I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me.  I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets.  I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.  There's no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house.)  But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs).  Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.  

     Research indicates that when we are deeply connected to our children, they are more likely to listen to our direction and guidance.  Karen Young explains this by using our understanding of neuroscience:  

     When our kids or teens feel close to us, they get a juicy dose of oxytocin created in their brains.  This calms the fight or flight response (often exhibited in challenging behavior) and lets the prefrontal cortex switch on.  Every time we are physically close to them, speak gently and warmly, hold or touch them, their brain will release oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone which is released when we feel close and connected to our important people.  The amygdala, which drives the fight or flight response, has receptors for oxytocin.  It's the part of the brain that will throw the body into fight or flight, but it's also wired to calm down when it feels safe.  The way it feels safe is through social connection.  When we gently move close to our children, let them know we see them, loan them our 'calm' , the amygdala will (eventually) calm down.  It will release its hold, switch off the fight or flight response, and make way for the prefrontal cortex (thinking and empathetic part of the brain) to switch back on.  If we want children to be open to learning, our connection with them will be vital in bringing them to a space in which this can happen.  




Learn more about simple techniques for connecting with your child on Oct 9th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary SchoolRSVP to ann@teensinc.org