Understanding how our brains affect our behavior

     Your child is learning how their brain works and how this affects their behavior, well being, and relationships.  There are three parts of our brain that influence our ability to process social and emotional information:

1.  The BRAINSTEM is the oldest part of the brain.  It oversees automatic functions like breathing, digestion, and heart rate.  It speaks to us through PHYSICAL SENSATIONS and lets us know when we are feeling physical pain, a racing heart, tight muscles or butterflies in our stomach. These physical sensations can change based on the emotional energy that is pulsating through our bodies.       You can help your child focus their attention on the sensations in their body to get clues about what they are feeling.  “I notice my shoulder feels tight. … I must be stressed out from my workload this week.  What do you notice your body is telling you?”

      2) The LIMBIC SYSTEM (or Lizard Brain) in the mid-brain is composed of the amygdala, hypothalamus, hippocampus, etc.  This is where EMOTIONS are created to send us important info about how we are feeling and should respond.  This is also where the fight or flight mechanism is quickly triggered to keep us safe.  This survival mode is constantly on alert, scanning for danger and making our bodies react quickly and unconsciously to perceived threats.  Our first response to everything is an emotional one.  The Lizard Brain interprets every intense emotion we feel as Fear-- making us overreact to small social challenges until our Limbic System is soothed and reassured.  During a meltdown, the Lizard Brain temporarily “takes over” control of our brain -- spewing words and exhibiting behaviors that can feel explosive and hurtful. 

   Thinking about emotions can get our rational brain integrated back with our limbic system.  Young children often do not know how to identify what they are feeling.  Helping them put feeling words to their experience is crucial to helping them regulate their intense emotions. 


     3)  The “THINKING” part of our brain (PREFRONTAL CORTEX or Wizard Brain) which is in the front of our brain continues to develop until our mid-20’s.  It helps us utilize language, creativity, problem solving, logic, predicting, planning, and empathy in our decisions.  During meltdowns and throughout the teenage years, adults often serve the role of helping a child find these calmer, rational, kinder, thoughtful responses to life’s challenges.

     As long as a child’s Wizard Brain is not talking directly to and modulating their Lizard Brain, the Limbic System is left in complete control.  Caring adults can utilize a few techniques to help the child regulate their emotions and give the steering wheel back to their wise Prefrontal Cortex—

a.  Focus on Soothing, Safety and Security.  Use a calm tone of voice, open body language while moving down to their level, and a calming presence with few words so as not to escalate the situation.  Phrases like “This is hard.”   “It’s okay, we’ll get through this,” speak directly to the lower brain and reduce the child’s/teen’s fear and anxiety when things aren’t going their way. 

b. Name it to Take it.  Help the child identify which emotions they are feeling in the moment.  Be a translator.  Hear the message underneath their message.  Help your child think about emotions to help the thinking part of their brain start to get back in control.  Naming our feelings soothes the fight or flight mechanism.  Say things like:  "It seems like you're feeling really frustrated with your brother right now."

c. Regulate your own breathing and identify your own emotions while empathizing with your child can deescalate the situation.  You will be sending calming mirror neurons that your child's brain will pick up on.  You will be helping their Wizard Brain work along with their Lizard Brain to think about how to address the situation that has triggered their emotions.  Take 3 deep breaths before you intervene in a difficult situation.  Then practice regulation strategies together -- 10 deep breaths, going for a walk, counting backwards to 20. 

Practice Making a Hand-Brain that doesn’t Flip Your Lid!   

* Pick a feeling together and think of a time you each felt it strongly -- Worried, Embarrassed, Angry, Excited, Disappointed. 
* Make a hand-brain that has flipped its lid (with fingers flung wide open.) 
* Think and talk about where you feel that emotion or sensation in your body.     
* Fold your fingers over your thumb as you practice a calming strategy together.

     Help your child understand that when they have strong emotions, it just means that their Wizard Brain isn't talking to their Lizard Brain.  If they first utilize calming strategies to balance their nervous system and lower their emotions, they can eventually utilize their wise Wizard Brain to  problem-solve in the situation.    Understanding how our brains work help us know when to self soothe in order to access our creative and compassionate wisdom.  

     Please JOIN US for the next MOUNTAIN STRONG FAMILIES SERIES on Tuesday, September 10th.  NES counselors, Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller, will explain how a child's brain develops so that we can adjust our discipline approach to help children learn strong social-emotional skills.    When we draw from the new discoveries in brain science, we will want to tackle misbehavior differently.  RSVP for "Rethinking Discipline"  at ann@teensinc.org

Mindful Parenting: Your #1 Responsibility as a Parent

     

     MINDFULNESS is slowing down to notice what is going on INSIDE yourself (i.e. thoughts, feelings, body sensations) and curiously noticing what is going on OUTSIDE of yourself -- through your senses, while noticing other people and your environment.

     Research has confirmed that by developing a daily mindfulness practice, our brains develop differently -- in three important ways.  Mindful breath work shrinks the grey matter in our Reptilian Brain (amygdala) so that we don't feel as anxious, sad, or angry.  Mindfulness increases our ability to focus and access our working memory in the Hippocampus so that we can learn.  And finally, a Mindfulness practice activates our prefrontal cortex and builds more neural pathways between our Lizard and Wizard Brain so we are able to be more patient, compassionate, and in control our emotions and behaviors.

     Students are practicing mindfulness every morning at NES to reap these very benefits.  Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting.com believes Mindful Parenting is the #1 Responsibility of Parents --

     "Being a parent loads you with so many responsibilities that it may surprise you to hear that after keeping your child physically safe and cared for, your top responsibility is mindfulness, which allows you to self-regulate.
     Mindfulness, simply means that you bring your conscious attention to your experience, in a non-judgmental, accepting way.  When you become more aware of your own feelings, thoughts, and body sensations, you gain more ability to CHOOSE your response to what's happening, instead of getting hijacked by your emotions.
     That's essential if we want to be the patient, emotionally generous parents that every child needs.  After all, you may know great parenting skills or strategies, but you can't use them if you're not calm and centered.  What matters most in parenting is who you ARE as you interact with your child.  That's why I say that cultivating mindfulness, so we can regulate our own emotions, is our #1 responsibility as parents.
     Your child is fairly certain to act like a child, which means someone who is still learning, has different priorities than you do, and can't always manage her feelings or actions.  Her childish behavior is guaranteed, at times, to push your buttons.  ....The problem is when we  react from our own Reptilian brain.  If, instead, we can stay mindful --meaning we notice our emotions but make a conscious, responsible choice about how to act on them -- we model emotional regulation and our children learn from watching us.
     There's a reason the airlines tell us to put on our own oxygen masks first.  Kids can't reach those masks or be relied on to use them properly.  If we lose our function, our kids can't save us, or themselves.
     Kids can't manage their own rage by themselves, either.  They can't find their way through the tangle of jealousy that pushes them to whack their little sister.  They need our help to handle the fear that we don't love them because they somehow just aren't quite good enough.  They can't help themselves (or control their first impulses), however hard they try not to.  (Sort of like when we eat that extra piece of cake.)
     So just as with the oxygen mask, it's your job to help your child with his emotions, which is what helps him with his behavior.  Unfortunately, when you're stressed out, exhausted, and running on empty, you can't be there constructively for your child, any more than if you black out on the plane.
     That's why your first responsibility in parenting is always being mindful of your own inner state.  Mindfulness is the opposite of "losing" your temper.  Don't get me wrong -- mindfulness doesn't mean you don't feel anger.  Being mindful means that you pay attention to what you're feeling, but don't act on it.  Anger is part of all relationships.  It's acting on it mindlessly, with words or actions, that compromises our parenting (and other relationships).
     The challenge with human emotions is that so often we're confused about what to do when we feel them.  We're hard-wired to respond to all "negative" emotion (those blinking red lights in your psyche that light up throughout your day) in one of three ways:  fight, flight or freeze.
     Those strategies work well in most emergencies.  But parenting -- despite our fears-- is not usually an emergency.  Usually, in parenting and in life, the best response to upsetting emotions (and behaviors) is not to take action while we're triggered.
     You can count on finding yourself triggered at times, but if you can train yourself to notice when you start to lose it, you have the choice to return yourself back to a state of equilibrium.  That peaceful place inside insures that our actions are wise and loving.  That "peaceful place" is when our compassionate and thoughtful Wizard Brain is soothing and connecting to our emotional Lizard Brain.  
     How can you stay centered?  The truth is, you probably can't!  What you CAN do is keep returning yourself to center.
     1.  Notice when you're not feeling centered, whether that means you're getting anxious, annoyed, frustrated or tired.
     2.  Use your inner Pause Button:  Stop, Drop and Breathe.  That means you stop what you're doing.  You drop your agenda, just for the moment.  (Yes, he has to take a bath.  But for this moment, drop your agenda and step away from the fight.)  Then, take a few deep breaths and blow them out, to calm yourself.  That stops your slide down the slippery slope toward losing it and lets you choose a better way.
     3.  Shift your state toward love.  Consciously choose a thought or action that will make you feel more calm and emotionally generous.  It might be as simple as taking a few minutes alone and breathing deeply.  But even if you realize you need a bigger change, take a small action now to move toward a better future.  That means making a conscious choice to respond to whatever situation you're in with love, for yourself and for your child.

Every choice, deep down, is between LOVE and FEAR.  Choose LOVE."

     For more ideas about reducing stress in your life and parenting in a way that feel calmer to you, join us this Thursday, August 29th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  Local counselors, Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy, will facilitate "Embracing the Stress of Parenting -- Learning How to Nurture Yourself while you Raise Amazing Children."

Teaching Children to Value Differences

 

    This week, students at Nederland Elementary are learning about three critical social-emotional skills:   identifying their own unique identities and preferences, finding commonalities with others who appear to be different from themselves, and learning how to respond with respect and curious questions to understand people who differ from them.

    As parents, there are concrete ways we can help our children learn to know and value who they are AND know how to interact respectfully with the diversity of humanity around them.  Chris Corsi, health educator for poehealth.org, reminds parents that "children's curiosity knows no bounds.  Sometimes the questions they ask about others portray falsehoods that kids may have already begun to internalize.  Children often have questions when they encounter people they see as different from themselves.  This is perfectly natural, and it creates an opportunity to engage kids in important conversations to help them actively choose to be inclusive of people who (at first) seem unlike them."

     Tiffany Jana, How to Talk About Diversity with your Kids, offers these suggestions as children begin to notice differences between themselves and others --

1.  Start the Conversation When Children Start Noticing or Experiencing Difference.  It could be a comment they make or your recognizing your youngster taking particular notice of another person who is a different race or speaks a different language.  Let your child know that you are willing to talk with them about these new things, i.e. "Yep, that woman in the wheel chair is dressed in brighter colors than others around her." or "You're right, that boy has a beautiful warm brown tone of skin."
2.  Use Media to Your Advantage.  Instead of watching and reading the status quo books and shows, branch out with your child.  Head to your local library and seek out books with diverse main characters who are different from your child.  Just read several of these books together and let the conversation be organic.
3.  Your Child May Notice Someone Who is Different Treated Poorly.  Talk with your child about the appropriate behavior and values you want them to exhibit in that situation.  Make it clear that it's unacceptable to use slurs, to use identity as an insult, or to treat somebody worse because they are different.
4.  Actions Speak Louder Than Words.  Monitor your own behavior by treating a stranger that doesn't look like you with the same respect as the stranger who does look like you.  Your actions will go a long way toward teaching children about the world you would like them to grow up in and their expected behavior in it.

     Corsi offers additional tips to help us accept and value differences --

1.  Challenge the idea of "normal".  Generally, people are treated differently because they are seen as "the other."  For children, anything outside of "normal" may seem undesirable.  It is helpful to challenge the idea of "normal" to see past differences.  All of us are born unique with different likes and group identities, so there is no one way to be "normal."

Child:  "That person sounds so weird!"
Adult:  "Well, they have an accent.  They might originally be from somewhere else.  That doesn't make them weird -- just different, and different isn't bad."

   By acknowledging differences and similarities simultaneously, kids will find they can learn from people who aren't like them.

2.  Teach children to not be afraid to ask curious questions.  It can be embarrassing to hear your child ask questions about "different" people, but questions often come from a place of innocent curiosity.  If you are unsure about how to answer their question, try:  'I need to think about your question and talk to you later.'  Children's questions and comments are a way for them to gather information about aspects of their identity and usually do not stem from bias or prejudice.
3.  Cultivate empathy and community.  It can be hard for kids to see themselves in people who are different, which is why it's important to encourage children to empathize and help them get to know people unlike themselves.   One of the best ways to improve intergroup relations is simply interpersonal contact.  Getting to know people different from oneself leads to reduced prejudice and increased understanding.

     And finally, thepositivemom.com offers ways to help children LOVE OUR DIFFERENCES and appreciate what others bring to our lives --

1.  Teach children to love their bodies.   Accepting others starts with accepting ourselves.  Teach your child to embrace their body and develop a great relationship with it, not making it a target for self-defeat and criticism.  The fundamental principal is to make clear that the way one looks is not and should not be the yardstick with which they measure their self-worth.
2.  Teach children to love variety.  We differ in appearance, culture, religious beliefs, political views, nationality, gender, marital status, educational level, and in little things like "favorite color."  Teach your child to love and embrace others who are different by explaining how they make the world better and how it would be boring without them.
3.  Teach children to find common ground.   Explaining how we are different is not enough.  We must all put an effort into finding similarities that will help us connect with others whose attributes weren't instantly attractive to us.  Focusing on how we are "the same" speeds up the process of accepting others.  Talk about the basic human needs we all share and are trying to meet.
4.  Teach children "The Work".  The Work of Byron Katie is summed up in a rhyme:  Judge your neighbor, Write it down, Ask four questions, Turn it around.  This is a helpful tool to help us change our perception with regard to others' behaviors:
     ~We catch ourselves having a judgmental thought about another person, which causes us pain, separation and/or suffering.
     ~We write it down, then ask the questions:
           a.   Is it true?
           b.  Can you absolutely know that it's true?
           c.  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
           d.  Who would you be without that thought?
     ~We turn the thought around, which helps us ground and humble ourselves with the real truth.

     These are just a few ways to begin teaching young people how to love themselves and others, and  to accept and value others for their differences.  Ultimately, the goal is to create a more compassionate culture for current and future generations.    We parents hold this possibility for a more compassionate future for our children in our hands.

Back to School is always a BIG transition

 (Excerpts borrowed from ahaparenting.com)

Kids who are starting school for the first time or moving to a new school have to cope with the biggest adjustment, but even moving up a grade means facing more academic demands, a new teacher, and a changing social circle. The good news is that a little bit of preparation and forethought can make those first weeks of school easier for your kids – and yourself.

1. Make sure your child is familiar with the school.

If she was at the same school last year, you only need to talk about any differences this year.

·         “Now that you’re in first grade, you get to play on the big kids playground, and go eat in the lunchroom with the other kids.” 

·         “Now that you’ll be in third grade, you’ll have homework every day.” 

·         “Now that you’ll be in middle school, you’ll be walking by yourself.”

       

But if this is her first year at this school, then you’ll want to take some trips there. Even if there is a formal orientation day just before school begins, start now by taking a trip to the school. If you can get access to the playground, that’s a terrific way to help your child bond with her new school. If not, at least admire it through the fence and get her excited about the slide or climbing structure.  The more your child sees of the school, the less she’ll fret with fear of the unknown, and the more comfortable she’ll feel on the first day.  Come by to meet the new teacher for a few minutes before school starts. SUPPLY DROP OFF DAY is Tuesday, August 13^th from 2:30 -3:30pm at NES.

2.  Facilitate your child’s bonding with the teacher.

All kids need to feel connected to their teacher to feel comfortable in the classroom. Until they do, they are not ready to learn. Experienced teachers know this, and “collect” their students emotionally at the start of the school year. Obviously, if you can arrange for your child to meet the teacher in advance, by all means do so. But there are lots of ways to help your child feel like he knows even a teacher he’s never met.

Once you find out your child’s classroom assignment, begin talking about the teacher in fond and familiar terms.

If you know other kids who have been in Ms. Williams’ class, ask them to tell your child what their favorite thing was about her.

If you notice in the first week of school that your child doesn’t seem to have connected with his teacher, don’t hesitate to immediately contact her. Just explain that your child was excited before school started but doesn’t seem to have settled in yet. You’re hoping that the teacher can make a special effort to reach out to him so he connects with her and feels at home.  

3. Facilitate bonding with the other kids.

Kids are always nervous about their new teacher, but if they know any of the other kids, they’ll feel more at ease. If you’re new in town, make a special effort to meet other kids in the neighborhood.

If you can arrange for your son or daughter to travel to school that first morning with a child he or she knows, even if they aren’t in the same classroom, it will ease last minute jitters.  

***Remember to bring the whole family for a picnic at Back to School Night at NES on August 22nd from 5:30 -7:30 pm.  Meet the teacher, your child's playmates and their parents.

4. Practice saying goodbye.

For many children, the biggest challenge will be saying goodbye to you. Orchestrate small separations to practice saying goodbye, and develop a parting routine, such as a hug and a saying like

          “I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll see you at 3!”

You might give your child a token to hold on to that reminds her of you, such as a cut-out heart with a love note, your scarf, or a small stone you found on the beach together, that she can keep in her pocket while you’re apart and give back upon your return. Most kids like to have a picture of the family in their backpacks. Be sure to use the suggestions above for helping her bond with her new teacher; she needs to transfer her attachment focus from you to the teacher if she is to successfully let you go.

5.  Create a consistent goodbye ritual and story about her day.

If you suspect that your child might have a hard time saying goodbye, by all means speak with the teacher now and make a plan for how to handle the first day. Maybe every morning you will read your child one story and then take her over to the teacher when you say goodbye, so the teacher can comfort and distract her.

Once you have a plan, begin describing to your child what will happen at school. But don’t emphasize the goodbye, keep right on going with how fun the day will be:

“Every morning you will pick a book for me to read to you. When we finish the story, we will find Ms. Williams together. We’ll give each other a big hug and say our special goodbye. Then Ms. Williams will hold your hand and take you while I go to work. You will have snack, and play outside, and read stories, and have lunch. Every day when I pick you up I will be excited to hear who you played with that day.”

6. Start conversations about the next grade at school or about beginning school.

One good way to do this is to select books relating to that grade. Your librarian can be helpful; some good choices include books by Alan & Janet Ahlberg, Stan & Jan Berenstain, Dianne Blomberg, Marc Brown, Lauren Child, Julie Danneberg, Bonnie Graves, James Howe, Beth Norling, Marisabina Russo, and Amy Schwartz.

Get your kids excited by talking about what they can expect, including snack, playground, reading, computers, singing and art. If you know other children who will be in his class or in the school, be sure to mention that he will see or play with them. Share your own stories about things you loved about school.

Encourage her questions by asking what she thinks school will be like. That will help her to express any fears she hasn't articulated, but that are making her nervous. Emphasize the things you think she’ll enjoy but be sure not to minimize her fears; kids can be stricken by worries that adults might find silly, like finding the bathroom at school. Normalize any fears and reassure her that she will have fun, that the school can reach you if necessary, and that your love is always with her even when you aren’t. Be sure to end every conversation with “and when school is over I will be there to pick you up and we’ll have a special snack while you tell me all about your day” so that every time your child thinks about school, she remembers this reassurance.

7. If a younger sibling will be at home with you

If a younger sibling will be at home with you, be sure your child knows how boring it will be at home and how jealous you and the younger sibling are that you don’t get to go to school like a big kid. Explain that every day after school you will have special time with your big girl to hear all about her day and have a snack together.

8. Get your kids back on an early to bed schedule well before school starts.

Children need 9 1/2 to 11 hours of sleep a night, depending on their age and individual physiology. (Teens need a minimum of 9.5 hours; toddlers usually do best with 11 hours). Getting kids back on schedule so they’re sound asleep by 9pm, so they can wake by themselves at 7am for school takes a couple of weeks of gradually moving the bedtime earlier.

9. Let your child choose his own school supplies...

...whether from around your house or from the store, and ready them in his backpack or bag.

 10. If your child gets teary when you say goodbye

If your child gets teary when you say goodbye, reassure her that she will be fine and that you can’t wait to see her at the end of the day. Use the goodbye routine you’ve practiced, and then hand her off to her teacher. Don’t leave her adrift without a new attachment person, but once you’ve put her in good hands, don’t worry. Experienced teachers know about first day jitters and are used to bonding with their charges. Her tears won’t last long. If your child continues to have a hard time separating, be sure to speak with the teacher. Maybe she can give her a special job every morning or facilitate a friendship with another child who has similar interests.

11. Make sure you’re a few minutes early to pick your child up that first week of school.

Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties he has and may panic him altogether. If your child cries when you pick him up, don’t worry. You’re seeing the stress of his having to keep it together all day and be a big boy. Your return signals that it’s safe to be his baby self again, take it as a compliment.

This is true for kids of all ages, who may have uncharacteristic meltdowns during the first week of school, or just before school starts. Chalk it up to stress, don’t be hard on them, and be sure you’re there to talk so they don’t have to resort to tantrums. Before you know it everyone will be comfortable in their new routine and not even looking back as they race into school.

Happy School Days!!