Building a child's ability to empathize with others

See what I see, hear what I hear, feel what I feel,

then maybe you’ll understand, why I do what I do.      

Confidentparentsconfidentkids.org offers some creative ways to build empathy among children (i.e. an understanding of other people’s thoughts, feelings, desires, motivations, and intentions).   On a car ride or at the dinner table, each person can guess what another was feeling or thinking at some point that day.  The person who is being commented on has to say whether or not the feeling guessed is accurate, and if not, what they actually were feeling.  This helps children become more adept at articulating other’s perspective and their own.  

Another fun version of this game is to insert famous people and family members into this sentence:  “If ___ came to dinner, he would say _______.”  Here is a sample conversation:

Parent:  “Your teacher, Ms. Sue, is here for dinner.  What does she say?”

Child:  “This is a nice dinner.” (using a sweet, high-pitched voice)

Parent:  “Your three-year-old cousin…”

Child:  “I don’t like hot dogs!” (with a whine)

Parent:  “Your cool Uncle Jeremiah…”.

Child:  “Hey, man, how ya doin?” (in a jazzy, deep tone)

Parent:  “Emperor Palpatine, Ruler of the Dark Side….”

Child:  “Come to the dark side!!”

Robert Selman has identified five stages of perspective-taking that children typically go through at various ages. These stages of development are the foundations that help develop empathy in children. For some, the ability to feel empathy comes naturally. Interestingly, it is not an innate disposition that unfolds equally in all children.

Undifferentiated perspective-taking (Age 3 -6):  Children have a sense of their own thoughts and feelings and realize their actions cause others to react.  However, sometimes they may confuse others’ thoughts and feelings with their own.  

Easy Practice:  Look for chances to identify how others are feeling based on their nonverbal cues:  facial expressions, body language, tone of voice.   “Look at that woman’s expression in the store.  Her face says to me she’s frustrated.”  Help children pick up on the fact that others may be feeling differently than they are in the moment.  

Social-informational perspective-taking (Ages 5 -9):  Children understand that different perspectives may mean that people have access to different information than they have.

Easy Practice:  When you are reading books with your child, talk about the character’s perspective and motivation, and from where it may have originated.  Have fun with the book Turk and Runt by Wheeler and Ansley (2002)

Self-Reflective perspective-taking (Age 7 -12):  Children are able to interpret others’ thoughts and feelings.  There should be a noticeable increase in a child’s efforts to provide comfort and support to others and try to help fix a problem.  

Easy Practice:  Guide your children through a conflict situation by asking them, after cooling down, to tell what they are thinking and feeling and then, asking them to interpret what the other person is thinking and feeling.  

Third-party perspective-taking (Age 10 -15): Children are able to step outside their own thoughts and feelings and see a situation from an impartial perspective.  A child should be able to extend empathy beyond people they know to more global situations such as world hunger.

Easy Practice:  This is a good time for children to read biographies about other’s lives.

Societal perspective-taking (Age 14 - Adult):  Teens begin to see how perspective can be influenced by larger systems and societal beliefs.

Easy Practice:  Offer opportunities to learn and experience other cultures by reflecting on differing perspectives and values.  Visit various places of worship outside of your belief system.  Volunteer in a nursing home or homeless shelter.  Explore other cultures, belief or government systems through books, volunteerism, festivals, and travel.  

One’s ability to walk in others’ shoes needs to be fostered and encouraged.  Without practice & exposure to diverse perspectives, children can easily develop a myopic view of life.

Helping our Children Respond with Love

   

     As we gather round the Thanksgiving table  this year with the hodge podge of folks that make up our extended family, we may be tested. Our children will be carefully observing how populist Uncle Joey, progressive cousin Jessie, conservative Grandpa Tom, and liberal mom will delicately carve up the turkey together.  Rachel Stafford, from HandsFreeMama.com, encourages the adults to take a cue from each other's diverse opinions:

"Over the past year, I've struggled with some of the opinions expressed by people I've known and cared about for years.  The stances these individuals take on controversial issues plaguing our country continue to surprise and dishearten me.  When I hear these differing views and opinions on deeply important issues, I feel anger rise up within me and the urge to cut ties.  This reaction is not loving or unifying.  It is not healthy or helpful. As much as I remind myself they are entitled to their opinion as much as I am, I still feel ill will.

It was while I was venting to my teenage daughter about an aggressive viewpoint expressed by a close friend that I received the guidance I've been searching for.  My 14-year-old daughter said, "Your friend doesn't know what you know.  She has not had the experiences you have."  Then Natalie told me what she did when a classmate made a political statement that hurt and offended a group of students.  She reached out to one of the alienated people so she would know my daughter was with her.  My daughter could tell by the person's reaction and the end result that her action had been a helpful one."

My daughter went on to say, " I could argue with someone about their opinion - which probably won't change anything - or I could do something good.  And that DOES change things."  Basically, one student's divisive action became my daughter's cue to do the opposite -- to unify.... to include... to stand beside.

Stafford goes onto share:  I'm in the process of adopting a healthier and more helpful reaction to opinions and views that upset me.  I call it:  Cue to Love.  It looks like this--

Another person's close mindedness is my cue to be curious instead of defensive.
Another person's shaming language is my cue to speak words of acceptance.
Another person's hostility is my cue to be a peacemaker.
Another person's arrogance is my cue to gain understanding.
Another person's quick-to-judge attitude is my cue to remember we are more alike than different.
Another person's vitriol toward a group of people is my cue to love all in abundance. 

Each time I use my cue to Love, this is what I find:

The people I most disagree with provide my greatest opportunities for growth.
The people I find most difficult to love stretch me to be my most loving self.

I could argue with these people about their opinion or cut off communication, but that leaves little chance for progress, growth, and peace.  Instead, I will take my daughter's lead, and use their divisive stance as a cue to Love.  ...Instead of feeling my blood boil by the opinions of some,  I have been inspired to act with love.  

My job is not to change the opinions of those hurting people with their views.  My job is to change the view of the hurting people... with love.   

Think through this scenario with me for a moment:

A person is alienated by the shaming words of someone while riding on the subway.  He proceeds through his day, feeling alone, devalued, and perhaps even scared.

If kindness, love, or acceptance is the VERY NEXT THING this hurting person encounters, his view of the world instantly changes.  The whole world is suddenly not against him.  The world is suddenly a bit more hopeful.  

I would want that for my unique child.
I would want that for my aging parent.
I would want that for my grieving brother.
I would want that for my exiled sister.
I would want that for you.
I would want that for me.

I'm done feeling angry, bitter, and hopeless when someone shares a polarizing viewpoint.  That is now my cue to love.  Because an act of love at the precise moment it's needed can literally change the world."

     This month during Social Emotional Learning lessons at NES, students are practicing developing empathy for others and having the courage to show compassion -- even to those that appear to be different from themselves.  However, one of their biggest lessons comes from watching the adults in their lives maneuver the political divide in our nation... and across the holiday table.  

Teaching Empathy by Living Empathy

Empathy -- the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel what they are feeling. Humans are naturally empathetic to some degree.  Our hearts are touched and we, too, may cry when others tear up and are grieving.  We smile when others are laughing hysterically.  But young humans need help learning how to understand the vast array of emotions that others are going through.  Fortunately, empathy can be taught.  Learning how to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes is best learned when someone does that for us.  Rachel Stafford from HandsFreeMama.com relays this message in her weekly blog:

"Swim team practice has not been going well since my 11-year-old daughter had extensive oral surgery about a month a go. She tries to swim, but the pressure she feels beneath the water's surface is uncomfortable. I was very patient about this issue for several weeks and even had her examined by the orthodontist to make sure everything was okay. The doctor found no reason she couldn't swim as normal, so we returned.

That day, I planned to run errands while Avery practiced. She asked me to wait for a few minutes, so I did. The next thing I knew, she was holding onto the side of the pool with the look of distress on her face. The first thoughts that came to my head were unkind. Things like:

It's all in her head.

How long is this going to go on?

She just wants to go home and play Xbox with her friend.

As I walked to the side of the pool I asked for a new way to see and hear this situation that was getting quite tiresome. As the pool water splashed my feet, three powerful words came to mind. I'd said them to my husband while white-water rafting with my family. As we navigated our first set of raging rapids, I was scared my youngest daughter was going to fall out. I began calling out orders, sharp and gruff.

"Don't be mad," my husband had said. "I'm not angry, I'm scared," I said holding back tears. That's when three significant words came from my mouth: "That's fear talking."

I am learning this about myself - when I am scared and anxious, I get controlling and mean. I am working on a different response, but in the meantime, I am learning to interpret my unpleasantness for my family so they know I am struggling and need time, space, and understanding.

With those thoughts fresh on my mind, I bent down to talk to my tearful daughter who was now holding her hand to her forehead. "I can't breathe," she cried. "I can't do this." This time I did not hear annoyance or an excuse to try to get out of practice. I heard something familiar. I heard fear talking.... and because of that, what came out of my mouth was surprisingly supportive and empathetic.

"It feels different than it used to, doesn't it? Things are still healing so it feels different, and different can be scarey. Thank you for trying." She nodded like what I was saying was true.

About that time, her coach came over and asked if she was okay. When we told her the situation, she suggested Avery grab her kickboard and fins and practice with her head above water. I was so grateful to her coach for providing an alternative so she could continue practicing in a more comfortable way. Avery did as she was told but asked me not to leave. So there I sat, watching her glide back and forth, amazed at the amount of bubbles my strong girl could make with her feet.

As I slowly let go of the things I'd planned to do, I could see clearly.

And what I saw was a girl who's been through a pretty traumatic event and is doing her very best to adjust to a new mouth and nasal cavity. It was different than what I've seen over the past month. And that is because I was listening beyong the words to hear her heart.

When we realize fear is talking.... Anxiety is talking....Despair is talking.... Hopelessness is talking....We realize this is not about us. And that allows us to respond to the hurting person in ways we couldn't before.

Our empathetic response has the power to create one small act of bravery and one glimmer of hope. From there, anything is possible."

Lean into your child this week and feel what they are feeling underneath their awkward, sometimes irritating behaviors. If you can feel what they are feeling and speak to that emotion, they will feel heard and understood. They will be able to turn things around. And hopefully, they will soon begin to respond in that same empathetic way to someone else.