WHINE NOT? Remember to address your child's needs and feelings

The Cure for Whining-- repost from Aha Parenting.com

Should children get what they want by whining? Absolutely not.

Should they learn that they can get their way by marshaling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life.

But how to help them make that transition?

Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a "nice" voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath.

If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop the whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.

1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him:

When humans feel overwhelmed, they get whiny. (As a toddler, he would have thrown himself howling to the ground, but by three or four he can often whine instead.) Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time, and connection with you, or you can count on whining. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation that stresses both of you and contributes to the habit of whining?

2. Whining because she needs more connection:

Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection.

And of course it's particularly important to connect when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide. (No, you're not rewarding "bad" behavior by giving her attention when she's whining. If she were whining from hunger, would you think you were rewarding that by feeding her? It's our job to meet kids' needs so they have the internal resources to cope. Connection is a basic human need, and children can't function well without it.)

3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:

Lawrence Cohen, the wonderful author of Playful Parenting, says:

"When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."

Remember, you're not out to manipulate her, but to connect. Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.

Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"

Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game:

"Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...behind the door? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."

Finally, give her alternate tools by teaching her how to ask appropriately for something and negotiate with you. Since whining is so often a function of powerlessness, helping your child to feel that she can get what she wants through reasonable measures will carry over into the rest of her life.

In other words, you don’t want her to learn that she gets her way in life by whining or tantrumming, but you do want her to learn that she can get what she wants through managing her emotions, seeing things from the other person’s point of view and setting up win/win situations. (And of course, that's what you always try to model.)

So if you simply don't have time to go to the playground today, then don't. Be empathetic about his desire, and nurture him through the meltdown, as described in #4 below. But if your objection is to his whining, rather than his request, and he manages to pull himself together and ask in a reasonable way for what he wants, then you'll be able to engage in the kind of conflict resolution that finds a win/win solution.

“Ok, you want to go to the playground, and I need to stop at the hardware store. Let’s do this: If we're really quick at the hardware store, we’ll have time to stop at the playground on the way home. Think you can help me be quick? And if you are really fast about getting in and out of your car seat, we can stay a bit longer at the playground.”

Are you "rewarding" whining? No, you're empowering him by demonstrating that finding solutions that work for both of you is the way to get what he wants in life.

I often hear from parents that this "empowering with the strong voice game" strategy works like a charm the first time or two, but that after that the child refuses to play. If that's the case, it's because he actually needs something else -- to cry. Which brings us to:

4. Whining because he needs to cry:

He has a lot of pent-up emotions about things that are stressing him -- the new babysitter you left him with on Friday night, that kid who grabbed the truck away in the sandbox, potty training, the new baby -- there's no end of stressful developmental challenges! Toddlers let off stress by simply having a meltdown, but as they get older they gain more self-control, and begin to whine instead. Be kind in response to his whining until you get home and have a few minutes to spend with him. Then draw him onto your lap, look him in the eye and say

"I notice you were feeling so whiny and sad, Sweetie. Do you just need to cuddle and maybe cry a bit? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. I'm right here to hold you."

5. Whining because it works:

Don’t reward whining, meaning don’t give in and buy the candy. But there is never a reason to be less than kind about it. Responding to his desire with empathy ("You are so disappointed that I said no; you really wish you could have that candy...") helps him feel less alone with his disappointment. And there's nothing wrong with finding something else that will make him happy, like a shiny red apple or a trip to the playground. That teaches him to look for win/win solutions. If, by contrast, he feels like he only gets what he wants by whining, he’ll become an expert whiner.

6. Whining because you'll do anything to stop it:

Why do parents hate whining so much? Because whining is your little one's more mature form of crying. She's letting you know she needs your attention. And human grownups are programmed to react to whining much as we do to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get met. So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety. You'll do anything to stop it.

But if you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's no crisis, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll parent better. Don't let your automatic crisis mode of fight or flight kick in. Don't feel like you have to solve the problem, or do anything at all except love your child. Just smile at your child and give her a big hug. Most of the time, the whining will stop.

Understanding the Underlying Needs in our Family Relationships

   

     During BrainWise SEL classes at NES, we’ve been practicing how to communicate more effectively by using I-messages.  I-messages may seem like peculiar statements until we find a way to capture their essence and personalize the message for our own situation.  To help a child learn to communicate more effectively, they need to understand the THREE COMPONENTS in an I-message formula:

I feel___(1)_____  when___(2)____ because I need______(3)______.

1.       Sharing our Emotions:   Help your children identify which emotion they are feeling.  It is easy to confuse emotions with thoughts and share those instead, i.e.  “I feel like you are being mean to me”  versus  “I’m feeling hurt right now.”  Effective communication involves taking responsibility for the emotions that you bring to the situation. 

2.       Factually describing what happened to cause the emotions:  NES students are learning to separate facts from opinions when describing what triggered their feelings.  It is far easier to interpret, judge, and make assumptions about other’s intentions rather than objectively describe the behavior that upsets us.  “I’ve been lonely since we haven’t talked in a while” versus “When you were ignoring me, it upset me.”  Help your child practice describing a situation without assuming negative intention or using a blaming statement.

3.       Identifying what Basic Needs we are trying to fulfill:  We are learning about the basic human needs that underlie most behaviors.  When our needs are sufficiently met, we tend to feel contented, hopeful, connected, relieved and refreshed.  When we have unmet needs, we often can feel either frustrated, depressed, hostile, tense, or disconnected.  Helping your child to reveal the need they are trying to fulfill will allow them to shift from an emotionally-charged specific demand to requesting that their general need be met in some way. 

     At home, we parents can model the use of I-messages when we are upset.  This helps our children learn the components (feelings, behavior, and needs) and see how we assert ourselves effectively.  We may also want to reflect upon what UNMET NEEDS underlie our child’s various behaviors.  For instance, if your daughter has been in the car for 2 hours and becomes argumentative and defiant, she may need some physical exercise before she can return to a balanced emotional state.  If your son has played by himself for a while and then comes into the living room and aggressively demands to play with a toy his sibling is using, he may have a need for social interaction and just loves getting a rise out of his younger brother. 

     Abraham Maslow suggested that our behaviors are a result of trying to meet one of the following basic human needs –

                                Physical needs

                                Safety needs

                                Social needs

                                Self worth/ego needs

                                Self Fulfillment/creativity needs

     The unique personality or constitution of your child also helps influence what specific parenting intervention may satisfy the child’s individual needs.  When parents are attempting to mold and shape appropriate behaviors in their children, when they are trying to teach children to regulate their emotions, it is helpful to reflect on the child’s unique approach to life.  The following diagram helps parents shed light on this intriguing mix of NEEDS and a Child’s personality:

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor at NES, Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc