Giving an Abundance of Presence over Winter Break

   

     A teacher by the name of Murphy Moroney shares this insight with parents as we approach the season of giving:

     "I know at this time of year there is pressure to create a perfect, magical Christmas.  I know that you want to give your children the magic of Santa and ensure he brings the best gifts... but I'm writing to tell you a secret... every January when your child comes back to school, they tell me all about the Christmas holidays.  They tell me about the days when everyone stayed indoors and watched TV together.  They tell me about walking in the freezing cold to get McDonald's.  They tell me about staying at Grandma's and being excited when you came back from work.  They tell me about how you let them snuggle in your bed.  They tell me about how you played cards and took them swimming one day and forgot their towel.  They tell me about a visit to a friend's on New Year's Eve and how they stayed up to midnight.  They tell me about how they loved staying in their PJs some days and taking a trip out another day.  They mention their gifts, but for them Christmas is your love and time and routines and feeling safe.  You are their favorite things!"

     Unfortunately, many of our national holidays in their present form bring as much stress and sadness to families as they do joy and connectedness.  The holidays aren't just stressful for adults, they are actually stressful for children too.  Teachers feel the children's frenzy building by Halloween and continuing to consume them until winter break rolls around -- rippling into the classroom, spilling out onto the recess ground.  One reason this happens is because holidays are so heavily influenced by commercial interests which equate celebrating with buying and acquiring loot.  Children depend on us adults to both regulate their environment, and to help them regulate their moods.  This aptly applies to our holiday celebrations.

     Julie Bisson, author of  Celebrate!, believes the overemphasis on buying things at this time of year minimizes the real message of holidays and focuses instead on what to purchase to make one's family happier.  This emphasis puts unnecessary pressure on families with limited financial resources and can make children whose holiday celebrations feature fewer things feel inferior.  Psychologists remind us that the real cause of happiness is found in strong relationships and in believing your life has meaning.  

     Here are some strategies that Bisson offers to counter commercialism while promoting family connection and deep meaning:

1.  Talk with children about the underlying meaning behind whatever holiday you celebrate. 
     Tell them a little about the historical story of the holiday.  Find a good book that tells this message  and read it together by candlelight.

2.  Explain the symbolism behind the decorations children see around them -- mistletoe, advent wreaths and candles, Los Posadas processionals through the streets, menorahs, nativity scenes, and yule logs.

3.  Foster empathy and compassion in children by reminding them that holidays are a time for thinking of others.    Provide opportunities for children to create homemade gifts for people they love or people in need.

4.  Counter the message that having more means being valued more.  The media has does a good job of reinforcing the story that Santa only brings presents to good children.  Sadly, this damaging story can lead children to think they are bad if they receive few or no presents.

5.  Visit a place of worship that is celebrating a holiday you are unfamiliar with.  Help your child learn about the rich and varied religious traditions that make up our community.  How do Catholic, Protestant, or Greek Orthodox families celebrate Christmas?   How will Jewish families celebrate Hanukkah?  Are there groups gathering to bring in the Winter Solstice together?  Will Latino families in Boulder march through the streets for Las Posadas?   These magical, mysterious, awe-inspiring celebrations help ground children in the deeper meaning of the holidays and teach them how other children and families celebrate light, hope, and joy.

     What children want most over winter break is an abundance of your presence.  One simple way to grant this wish is shared by Rachel Stafford:  Set this simple limit to expand connection   Stafford's simple gesture may bring tears to your eyes as you reflect upon moments you do not want to lose with your child.

     May your home be filled with your loving Presence and with meaningful family traditions which become the memories tucked away in your child's heart.

What Would You Give your Children if You Could Give them Anything?

     Jenny Woo, Founder of Mind Brain Parenting, wonders “What are the most life-defining pieces of wisdom and memories that I could leave with my children and be in peace knowing that I have prepared them for life?”

     Woo writes: My research in early childhood at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and my former experience coaching thousands of adults in companies and schools led me to advocate for the importance of social and emotional development. Whether it’s coaching a high-potential vice president of a Fortune 500 company or developing a recent college graduate, I noticed that the most detrimental barriers that prevented them from realizing their potentials were their lack of self-awareness, self-management, and relationship skills. I am not alone. Eight in ten employers identify social and emotional skills as the most important to success yet also the hardest skills to find.¹

     Many of the seemingly “well-put-together” executives and parents I had coached looked perfect and well-rounded on paper. They were in a branded career, went to an excellent university, and had several extracurricular talents. Yet, as the executive educator, Marshall Goldsmith had famously coined: “what got you here won’t get you there.”² I saw some of the best and brightest struggle to get promoted to the big role at work or to reinvent themselves in life. It wasn’t that they lacked knowledge or capabilities. It was that their emotions and egos got in the way.

     Academic success does not equate to life success. To be prepared for life, we need a much broader understanding of our internal (self-awareness) and external worlds (social-awareness).  

     Here are three practices that we could do today that will prepare our children for life:

1.     Embrace failure

What does the little voice in your head say when you make a mistake? How do you respond when your child comes home with a bad grade on a test? Research shows that how parents perceive and react to failure predicted their children’s view of failure.³ Imagine, even if you had the best intention of supporting your child’s growth, when you regularly blow up when your child makes a mistake or mishap, you could be inadvertently giving off the signal that mistakes are the end of the world. In the workplace, I’ve seen clients who, despite ample resources and support, struggled to make the next career leap because their fear of failure stood in their ways — imposing self-saboteurs — that were mentally and at times, physically debilitating.

     2.  Ask for Help

All too often, I see children fail a class or employees fired at work because they remained silent for too long, either because they were too embarrassed to ask for help or they didn’t know that asking for help was an option. People who “made it” in life are more often than not portrayed as those who overcame the adversities of life through sheer grit. As a result, asking for help can be seen as a sign of weakness. In reality, it’s about recognizing your strengths and needs, and in response, utilizing available resources accordingly. Practice asking for help in front of your child. Show your child that asking for help is a responsible thing to do, just like giving help to others when you can.

3.  Share Power

Allow others, especially your child, to have a seat at the table, literally and figuratively. Value the voice and opinions of your child. Parents and children fight when there is a perceived imbalance of power dominance, in which case, feelings are hurt and harsh words are exchanged. Sharing power starts with mutual respect. Show your child how to share power and make collaborative decisions with others.  Give children several attractive choices even when you are setting limits with them.

Want help with more actionable conversations that prepare children (and adults) for life?  

     Check out 2018 Parents’ Choice Award winner, 52 Essential Conversations, 

a social and emotional skills building game available on Amazon 

 (http://amazon.com/dp/B07FKSQV47) and Mind Brain Parenting (http://mindbrainparenting.org) created by Jenny Woo.

Please Forgive Me....

     Genuine apologies are difficult to give.   Many apologies aren’t even accepted.  When adults demand that kids apologize on the spot for their words or actions, it may not give the child the time to settle their intense emotions or to construct an apology that is sincere and will hold the test of time.  Students at NES are learning about the art of constructing an authentic apology that will have a greater chance of healing a broken relationship.  They are working to create and deliver heartfelt apologies when they have hurt someone.  This is restorative practice.

     Before delivering an apology, we usually need to address our own intense emotions and attend to our limbic system (lizard brain).  We want to be able to look the person in the eye, say their name and use a sincere tone of voice while saying what we are sorry for.  If we aren’t ready to do this, we need to get our body and emotions ready.  This can take time.  This often requires using strategies to calm ourselves before engaging (i.e. writing, drawing, listening to music, taking a walk).  It may also be necessary to use positive self-talk or a power pose to convince yourself that you are brave enough to speak with the person. 

     When we are ready to proceed, it is helpful to take the time to construct a Four Step Authentic Apology.  An apology that includes all these aspects is much more likely to be accepted by the receiver than a quick and dirty “I’m sorry…. I’ll never do that again” version.  

    Step One:   Say “I’m sorry” for specifically what you said or did.  It is far too easy to say you are sorry for “being mean” or “for not being nice.”   But statements about those general infractions don’t always imply that you have taken the time to really think about what specific words were darts or what actions or inactions severely impacted the receiver.  It takes self reflection to be aware of exactly what you did that felt hurtful to others. 

     Step Two:  Demonstrate that you know what emotions the other person might be feeling.  Try to read their body language.  Did your actions create frustration, embarrassment, sadness, anxiety, hurt, jealousy?  See if you can put yourself in their shoes to figure out their emotions and convey that to them.  You have your own set of emotions going on, but they may be feeling something very different than you are.  When you empathize with them emotionally, you are showing that you understand them and the impact of your actions.  Use emotion words to convey you get what they are going through.

     Step Three:  Rather than saying you will never do this again, take the time to make and share an action plan about how you will handle the situation if it ever repeats itself.  If given the chance for a do over, what specific steps would you take to summons your Wizard Brain and deal with it differently?  Instead of promising that you will “never do it again,” tell them how you will respond with a new plan:  “The next time I get annoyed with your behavior, I will walk away and take 10 deep breaths to calm myself down.  I will come back and politely but firmly request that you please share the items we are working with.  If that doesn’t solve the problem, I will ask an adult for help.”   When you have mentally created an action plan, you have that in your memory bank to help guide you the next time a similar situation arises.  A thought out plan makes it much easier to “never do it again” and is more convincing to the receiver.

     Step Four:  Ask the aggrieved person if they need anything else from you (besides these words of apology) to make things right between you?  Or, consider what actions would heal the damage and offer to do them.  If we want to repair the relationship, we often need to dig a little deeper, or go the extra mile, to heal what we have done.  This may also include considering who else (besides the person you are giving an apology to) was impacted by your actions?  Do you need to do anything to repair the harm that was done to others?  Does a wider apology need to be given?  Do additional action steps need to be taken to make things right with a wider audience?  Does anyone need a band-aid, a hug, an invitation to do something fun with you, etc?  One 3rd grade student quoted her mother’s mantra of  “actions speak louder than words,” and helped us consider what additional steps might need to occur before someone is ready to forgive us.  

Read About Forgiveness with your child:  

Rising Above the Storm Clouds by Robert Enright, 

The Forgiving Lion by Efrat Haddi,  or 

I Love My New Tail by Mo Willems.  

Practice It:  Give your child a bucket filled with rocks.  Talk about how it can be heavy to carry around all of the rocks that symbolize when someone has wronged us.  Take some rocks out and talk about how it is easier to carry the bucket after forgiving.  

Talk About It:  "Tell me about a time when someone forgave you.  How did it make you feel?  How do you know when you need to forgive someone?"  

     Parents can help their children process how to create a genuine apology.  We can coach children through the steps when an apology is needed.  And, as we seek to parent with love and compassion, we can also make sure we are apologizing to our children when our words or actions cut deep, when we are not at our best, when we wish we had not been so reactive toward their misbehavior.  Modeling these steps in our families and admitting our own relationship blunders will help children see that strong, healthy relationships are built by being willing to be both vulnerable and courageous with the people in our lives.

  

Helping Your Child Tame Their Anxiety

  “The good news is -- anxiety is normal and functional for our survival.  We worry in order to protect ourselves from danger,” said Carrie Evans, presenter at Helping your Child Tame their Anxiety on Nov 13th. “However, today we often worry about things that are not life threatening to us.  Our reaction to these things can be toxic for our bodies if we don’t know how to harness the energy boost that stress provides. Stress hormones have nowhere to go when we are worrying about our potential future.”

  At the second gathering for the Mountain Strong Families Series (held at Nederland Elementary School), parents shared the gamut of things that their toddlers through teenagers worry about.  Many of these worries are developmentally appropriate and yet feel intense to our children:

Two -to- four-year-old children commonly fear the dark, sleeping alone, being separated from their parents, strangers, TV shows, getting lost, dogs and bugs.  Five -to- seven-year-old children typically have a fear of the dark, monsters, closets, teachers that yell, peers not liking them, being separated from their parents, doctors, dentists, and shots.   From 8 -11 years of age, children are often anxious about being home alone, watching scary movies, having something happen to their parents, school failure, being hridiculed by peers, not having any friends, disappointing teir parents, germs, storms, natural disasters, and heights.  Middle and high school students add other worries to their plate – fear of murder, rape, kidnapping, someone watching them, being alone, dying or having loved ones die, disappointing their parents, mass shootings, getting fat, having acne and other body image issues, heights and fear of flying,  asteroids hitting the earth, war and terrorist attacks, being homeless in the future, car accidents, failure in school or sports, etc.

As parents considered all these developmental concerns, they felt a deep sense of empathy for their children and the host of issues that can make little-on-up-to-big kids tremble in the face of real and imagined stressors.   “The key,” Evans said, “is to harness stress in order to feel powerful instead of overwhelmed.” And she, along with Eileen Purdy, began to lay out strategies which parents can use to help their children deal with their “worry snowflakes” before they turn into an “anxiety avalanche”.

a.        First, use the acronym H.A.L.T. to see if your child’s intense emotions or behavior is a result of Hunger/Hydration? Anger?  Loneliness?  Or being Tired?  Many times, basic biological needs are the root cause of anxiety and irritability. Be aware of your child’s need for sleep, companionship, food or hydration to help them tame their anxiety.

b.       Co-regulate with your child by breathing slowly together when they are anxious.  A parent’s calm presence triggers mirror neurons in the child’s brain that are comforting.   Box breathing – inhaling while counting to four, holding for four counts, slowly exhaling to the count of four, and pausing for four counts before inhaling again – was suggested as an anxiety-busting tool.

c.       Label the emotion that your child is feeling to help increase their awareness of what is going on inside themselves.  “Name it to tame it” and describe specifically what the stressor is for them.

d.       Develop a daily practice of focusing on what the child is grateful for – before bed, or first thing in the morning to set the tone for the day.  Help your child acknowledge what is going right in their lives. A gratitude practice sends dopamine to the pre-frontal cortex and gets the “wizard brain” talking to the “lizard brain” again.

e.       Encourage your child to write about the issue that is bothering them as well as their feelings about it.  Spell out their worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and the most-likely scenario. Using words to describe thoughts and emotions is a calming activity.

f.        GoZen.com offers helpful prompts for parents to say when their child is stressed.

g.       When you talk, use lots of feeling words to expand the child’s emotional vocabulary.  Help your child identify the difference between feeling panicked and having nervous butterflies in her stomach.

h.       Gently lay your hand on your child’s knee and draw around your fingers as you breathe slowly together.  Calming touch and deep breathing will balance the nervous system; moving it from the fight or flight mode to a relaxed state.

i.         Find a calming bedtime routine to do with your child every night to elicit restorative sleep.  There are several apps that are useful for this.

Large numbers of children and teens find it hard to concentrate in school, remember things they’ve learned, bounce back from challenges, socialize with peers, or sleep due to worrying about their future.   Parents and educators can coach youth to utilize healthy strategies for calming their anxious minds so that children don’t turn to substance abuse to numb their nervous bodies.

“I was enchanted by Carrie Evan’s style and approach to helping parents support their children,” said one mother. “Last night’s presentation seemed to barely tap into Carrie’s vast knowledge about this topic.  I look forward to learning more from her.” On Feb 12th, Evans will join other counselors at the next Mountain Strong Families event to address Healthy Communication in Families.”   This Parenting Series is a collaborative effort between TEENS, Inc., Nederland Elementary, NMSHS, and a dozen local counselors.  For more information about this series, contact ann@teensinc.org