Coaching your Child through Challenging Situations

It is not what you do for your children,

but what you teach them to do for themselves

that will make them successful human beings.

       ~Ann Landers~

Enjoy this entertaining video where Dr. Becky Bailey, developmental psychologist from ConsciousDiscipline.com, illustrates various parental reactions when a child has had a hard day at school. During the humorous skits, Dr. Bailey plays the child and demonstrates responses that either Diminish, Punish, Rescue,
or COACH children how to work through their feelings and solve problems.

See if you recognize glimpses of yourself in any of these approaches.  :)

                 Follow the link:    Four responses when your child is angry

 

Like the final video segment in which the parent COACHES their child,

the Social Emotional lessons at Nederland Elementary School

teach children the skills for--

recognizing what they are feeling and needing,

recognizing their thought patterns and embracing a growth mindset,

mindfully noticing the intensity of emotions in their bodies

and learning to read the body language of others,  

selecting healthy strategies to regulate their emotions,  

developing a mindfulness practice,

empathizing with and showing compassion for others,

effectively communicating when problem solving,

 resolving conflicts collaboratively

and making responsible and ethical decisions.  

Together, we are RAISING HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL, LOVING CHILDREN!

Why Kids Bicker and How to Stop It

     NES students are practicing asserting their needs and sharing their feelings during arguments.  They are learning how to summarize their "opponent's" perspective and then find solutions that meet everyone's needs.  Parents can help teach these Conflict Resolution Skills by serving as the "Wizard Brain" or pre-frontal cortex and mediator when siblings bicker, fight and argue.  See what ideas Dr. Laura Markham from
Ahaparenting.com suggests for dealing with bickering at home:

     What's bickering?   Arguing about something trivial.  But of course nothing is too trivial for siblings to argue about, or at least it seems that way some days!

    Bickering is not yet a full-fledged fight, but it could become one.  Or it could just go on all day long until it drives you crazy.  Some amount of bickering is normal, since kids are still learning how to express their needs appropriately.   But bickering is always a sign that something is less than optimal.  You can think of it like a light on your car dashboard saying you need to get an oil change.  The first time it flickers, you don't have to take action.  But if you ignore it repeatedly, the light will become constant, and at some point, your car will break down.

How should you intervene?

1.  Calm yourself.
2.  Describe the problem with empathy, without blame or judgment.
3.  Set limits on meanness by restating family rules about kindness.
4.  Coach each child to express their feelings and needs without attacking the other.
5.  Coach kids to problem-solve as necessary.

     Here are some examples of how to put it all together, depending on the reason for the bickering....   Notice how in each case the parent responds to the bickering by realizing that the children have legitimate needs that they need the parent's help to express to their sibling.  With a little coaching from parents, the kids are able to resolve their differences in ways that bring them closer, instead of making them more resentful of each other.

A temporary conflict of needs
Kids can often work this out themselves if the parent provides a little momentum.

Emma:  "Move over!  You don't own the couch!"
Mason:  "I was here first."
Parent:  "I hear two kids who both want one couch.  This is a tough situation, because we aren't getting another couch!  What can you do to work this out?"
Mason:  "i was here first.  It's still my turn."
Emma:  "I don't like watching scary movies from the floor.  The couch feels safer.  Can we share it?"
Mason:  "Only if you don't touch me, and you don't scream at the scary parts."
Emma:  "Okay.  How about we put this pillow between us so I don't accidentally touch you?"
Mason:  "Okay.  But don't scream any more!"

A difference in temperament that grates on one or both
Your children need your help to learn to live with each other, which means articulating what each one needs and helping them figure out how both kids can get their needs met.

Leo:  "Shut up!  I can't even think!"
Sofia:  "I'm just singing."
Leo:  "You're always singing!"
Parent:  "I hear some loud voices.  Sofia, I hear you singing with such joy.  Leo, I hear you saying it's too loud for you.  We need a solution here.  What can we do?"
Leo:  "I just want some peace and quiet for once!"
Sofia:  "I have the right to sing!"
Parent:  "Sofia, you certainly do have a right to sing, and I love to hear you sing.  And I hear Leo saying that right now he needs some quiet.  What can we do so you both get what you need?"
Sofia:  "Leo can go to his room."
Leo:  "I need to stay here to build my Legos!  You could go to your room, too!"  
Sofia:  "I want to stay here where the music is!"
Parent:  "Hmm... so one solution is that you could be in separate rooms.  But it sounds like both of you want to stay in the family room with the music and Legos.  Are there any other solutions?"    Both kids look at you with blank faces.
Parent: "Well, for instance, Sofia could take the music with her into another part of the house... or Leo could take the Legos somewhere else... Or maybe Leo could wear my headphones -- they block out sound."
Leo:  "I want the headphones!  I call a long turn!"
Parent:  "You can use the headphones for as long as you need them to have quiet."

Boredom
State the problem, restate family rules, and redirect.

Noah:  "Dad, Abigail is pestering me."
Abigail:  "I am not!  I'm trying to tell you something!"
Dad:  "Hmm...sounds to me like Abigail wants to connect with you, Noah."
Noah:  "Well, I don't want to connect with her!"
Dad:  "That's okay -- you don't have to play with her if you don't want to right now.  But you do have to treat her with respect.  Those words can hurt.  Can you find a different way to tell her that you're busy right now?"
Noah:  "Abigail, I'm busy making my paper airplane.  You can play with me later."
Abigail:  "But I don't have anything to do!  What can I do?"
Dad:  "Abigail, I hear you're wondering what to do with yourself.  And Noah is saying that he's not ready to play right now; he wants to play with you later.  Why don't you come outside and help me wash the car?  You always have fun with the hose."

Grumpiness or irritability
Intervene to help the child who is attacking with whatever feelings are making him so unhappy.

Luis:  "Your picture is ugly."
Maya:  "You're so mean, Luis!"
Parent:  "I'm hearing some hurtful words.  Luis, it sounds like you're trying to hurt your sister's feelings.... And it sounds like it worked!  Are you feeling angry with her, or are you just having a hard time in general?"
Luis:  "I hate everything!"
Parent:  "Wow, You ARE having a hard time.  Come be with me on the couch, and tell me what's so rotten."

     Time consuming for the parent?  Yes.  But you're teaching skills and you're teaching values.  Over time, this kind of COACHING helps children identify and articulate their own needs, so they can problem-solve with each other without your intervention.  They do less bickering and settle fights before they even get started.  And you get to listen from the other room.  Smiling.

Stop, Think, Go! Collaborative Problem-Solving Practice for Your Family

NES students are learning the Steps for Collaborative Problem-Solving by using this TRAFFIC LIGHT Model -- explained in excerpts from the following article by Jennifer Miller of confidentparentsconfidentkids.org   

"He messed with my stuff while I was gone.  My Lego set is broken.  Mooooooom!" cries Zachery about his brother.  Sibling rivalry is a common family problem.  Mom could fix it.  "Go help your brother fix his Lego set." Or she could help her children learn valuable skills in problem-solving.  These opportunities for practicing critical life skills happen daily if you look for them.  Collaborative problem-solving is not one skill alone but requires a whole host of skills including self-control and stress management, self-awareness of both thoughts and feelings, perspective-taking and empathy, listening and effectively communicating, goal setting, anticipating consequences and evaluating actions.

Roger Weissberg, one of the top leaders in the field of social and emotional learning shared the Traffic Light model that he and his colleagues created.  Dr. Weissberg writes that this promotes "consequential thinking."  Children begin to think through the consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act.  And that kind of thinking promotes responsible decision-making.  this training was used to prevent high-risk behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy and violence in the adolescent years.  Imagine if your children were engaged in developing these skills prior to that time of high peer pressures.  They would be ready and prepared with well-rehearsed tools when they are tempted by their friends and you are not there at that moment to protect them.  

The beauty of this Traffic Light model is in its simplicity....

RED LIGHT:  Stop!  Calm down and think before you act.
No problem-solving is going to occur, no feelings repaired until all involved have calmed down.  So take the time you and your children need to calm down.  Breathe!   You can use easy-to -use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear breathing ("Understanding Anger" article by Jennifer Miller)  Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces.   Then....

Yellow Light:  Caution.  Feel.  Communicate.  Think.

1) Say the Problem and how you feel. 

Parents can model this by saying, "I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother are arguing.  How are you feeling?"   It helps to have a list of feelings at the ready so that if your child struggles with coming up with a feeling, he can pick one off of a list that best represents how he's feeling.  This practice alone will expand his feeling's vocabulary and he'll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and communicate his situation.  Here is a FEELINGS VOCABULARY LIST to use:  
Feelings Inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication

2) Help your child listen to understand the feelings and needs of others in the situation.  Teach your child to paraphrase the other's perspective or ask curious questions until your child can empathize with the other person. 

3) Now, set a positive goal. 

Before moving to "Go," have your child think about what they want for themselves and the others involved.  The goal may be as simple as, "I just want to get along with my brother," or "I want to keep my toys safe."   Weissberg writes that setting a positive goal for kids simply means "How do you want things to end up?"

4) Think of lots of solutions.

Before jumping to one solution, think of lots.  "I could hide my Legos where my brother can't find them."   "We could agree to ask one another before playing with the others' toys."   "We could promise to repair anything we break."  Involve all who were a part of the problem to generate solutions.  Children who understand there are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.

5) Think ahead to the consequences.

Parents can ask, "What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother?  What might happen?"   Think through the realistic consequences with your children of their various solutions -- both long and short term.  "It may work tomorrow.  But what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom floor?  Then what?"  This is a critical step in helping children think through the outcomes of their choices before making them -- important practice for later problems when the stakes are higher.

GREEN LIGHT:  Go!  Try your best plan.
Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other's toy.  Try it out right away.  See how it works.  If it doesn't work, then talk about it and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work better.

Parents can use logical consequences in concert with this model.  For example, if Zachary harmed his brother, then he can generate solutions to repair the relationship.  He may offer a sincere apology.  He may spend time fixing the broken Lego set.  He may help find a place to keep the Lego set safe.  Children need parents' support in repairing the harm done.  They need to know that there are multiple options for not only repairing a physical object but also, repairing hurt feelings.  So brainstorm options together and help kids implement them.

** Students at NES are also learning to repair their relationships and address hurt feelings with the Restorative Practices model championed by Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices Coordinator from TEENS, Inc.  

Arguing to Learn

     Students at NES are learning about five different ways they can act during a conflict.  Most of us are familiar with avoiding the conflict, giving in or accommodating to the other person, competing to win, and compromising to resolve the disagreement.  One other conflict style that takes more time and skill, but creates win-win outcomes, is collaboration.. When the issue is important to us and maintaining a good relationship is equally important, it pays to learn how to collaborate or Argue to Learn.  Familiarize yourself with some of the key conflict resolution concepts and skills your children are learning at school.  Jennifer Miller (confidentkidsconfidentparents.org)  shares how families can help teach these same valuable skills at home:

"Recess is no fun anymore!" my ten-year-old son laments after school.  I listened, surprised, knowing that recess is an essential time to get fresh air and stretch those muscles that have been atrophying in desk chairs all morning.  "How come?" I ask.  "We always play football," responds my son, "and everyone argues and then no one plays anymore.  We just walk away."  "What do they argue about?" I ask.  "Everything!" says my son.  "Who gets the ball.  Who lost the ball.  Who scored points."

Even though it's disappointing to hear from my son, it's not surprising.  We watch competitive arguing, or arguing to win, in our national political debates and on social media.  So our kids see examples everywhere for entering conversations with the sole intent to win.  

But are these examples doing a disservice to our kids?  Are they setting them up for difficulties in school and in their relationships?  After all, when you argue to win, you're not open to other perspectives.  The game just ends.  In fact, researchers have found that when people enter a conversation with the intent to win, it changes the very question they began with.  Instead of viewing the "Who gets the ball?" question as subjective, the game can't even start because the two teams can't agree on who gets the ball first.  After each side states their non-negotiable stance, then where do you go from there?   In my son's case with his schoolmates, nowhere.  

But not all arguing is bad.  There is another type of arguing that can actually build relationships and learning.  It's called "arguing to learn."   Take the football debate, for example.  What if kids were told in advance that they needed to work together to develop the rules of the recess football?  What if even though they are playing on opposing teams, they're told they have to work as one big team if they want to play recess football at all?   Do you think they might work together to figure out "Who gets the ball?" versus getting frustrated and giving up?  Cognitive science researchers say "Yes."  When people are given a cooperative goal for a conversation from the outset, they tend to listen to one another, to build on each other's perspectives and to seek common ground.  

     So, how can we teach our kids to "argue to learn" rather than "argue to win"?

Let them play!  Unstructured play is the greatest opportunity for kids to practice and build cooperation, flexibility, communication, and negotiation.  So set boundaries like, friends are more important than screens.  When friends come to play, screens get turned off.  After all, there's plenty of time when friends are not around for screen time.

Stop interruptions.  Let's face it, if someone interrupts you to share their opinion, they weren't listening to a word you were saying.  Instead, they were busy formulating their argument.  Families can get into a bad habit of speaking this way to one another.  So break the habit.  Agree together that anytime one person cuts off another, that person gets to retell what they started.

Use a talking stick.  It worked in our U.S. Congress to end the three-day government shutdown in January!   That's right, a U.S. Senator (and an educator) recently introduced a talking stick so that individuals could be heard.  So grab a fairy wand or construct a tinker toy and transform it into a sacred device that if held, gives the holder the power to be heard.  If you have a problem that impacts the whole family, hold a family meeting and use the talking stick to see if you can work together toward a solution.

Really listen.  This may sound easy, but really listening requires patience.  Instead of quickly responding to your kids immediately, try summarizing what you think they said.  And don't forget the sub-text, or what you think they might be feeling.  This helps a child feel understood and builds their emotional vocabulary. It also ensures we have truly heard them.  It will be worth it when you notice your child learning this skill from you!

Set a goal.  When you anticipate arguments, set a goal for how you'll address the issue as a family.  How will we all try to understand the issue?  How we will learn more?   How we keep other perspectives in mind?

Focus on mindset.  When debates come up, or questions are raised, research the issues together.  When your daughter asks where your water comes from, don't just give a quick answer.  Look it up and explore.  In the rush of our busy lives, adults can train themselves out of a learning mindset though we are all hard-wired for learning.  Start following your child's leading questions and you'll practice pursuing curiosities and perhaps, be amazed at how informed you'll become together.

Own your blame.  Statements like "You never take out the trash," can make anyone feel defensive.  But instead of having that gut reaction, try to minimize "You," or finger-pointing comments by owning your part in any problem.  "I" statements can help you take responsibility.  "I feel frustrated when I take out the trash because I want to share household chores."   You can model and practice responsibility in any situation.  But when family members begin with blame, how can you reframe it?  You may need to pause and breathe.  Calm down first before responding.  Take a break to formulate a response that is constructive and not defensive.  After breathing, you might say, "That's hard to hear since I do my best to contribute to our house.  How can we work together on a plan so that you feel like I am contributing?"  Inviting collaboration resets a goal for the conversations so that you both focus on arguing to learn.  

Fight fair.  How we argue can make all the difference.  It can strengthen our trust and deepen our connections or it can create division and whittle away at our relationships.  And if there is one place where we are our most vulnerable, it's with our families.  So why not talk about how fights take place -- what's acceptable and what's not acceptable?   Talk about and sign the Fighting Fair Family Pledge to establish clear boundaries with your family.

Some of our world's most important innovators have relied on arguing to learn.  Arguing to win most often ends in a dead end, in which the winner only gains bragging rights and no more.  Whereas in arguing to learn, both sides connect and build a greater understanding of the issue at hand, more than either began with.  When considering our children's happiness and emotional well-being, it is their connection with and contributions to others that bring their lives meaning.  It is well worth our time, thought and effort to model and practice arguing to learn.  

Taming the Tantrums

Kristen Race, from Mindful Life, helps walk parents through a step wise process for responding to big emotions in both youngsters and teens (see below). Her helpful online course, Foundations of Mindful Parenting, begins on April 9th. For more info, see https://mindfullifetoday.com/foundations-mindful-parenting-course/

Mindfulness Instructor, Patti Schrader will also host a local event about Mindful Parenting at the NED HUB on April 26th from 6 -8 pm. RSVP to patti@thisisreboot.com Patti leads Nederland Elementary students daily in a Moment to Pause (PAWS) as they practice refocusing and calming their minds and bodies at the beginning of each school day.

MELTDOWN CHEAT SHEET TIPS FOR TODDLERS TO TEENS

(compliments of Kristen Race, www.mindfullifetoday.com)

When your child --toddler, adolescent or teen -- is melting down, your maternal/paternal response is to fix the problem. But you'll be more successful if you first take a moment to help your child feel validated.

1. PAUSE AND BREATHE.
Before you even begin to address the meltdown, stop yourself and take a deep breath (or two, or three). In a heated moment, you are more likely to respond to your child's anger with your own anger, which only fuels a treacherous fire. When you pause and breathe, you tell your brain that everything is okay. If you have already introduced these breaths to your child, you can invite your child to take a breath too.

2. VALIDATE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONS.
Example for young child --
"Your're feeling angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies.

"I see that you're feeling sad. You don't want to go to bed because you're having fun. I know you love to play with your Legos."

"You look frustrated. You're having trouble riding your new bike. It's not easy."

Example for tweens and teens --
"That sound really disappointing..."
"That must be incredibly frustrating..."
"I bet that was upsetting..."

3. START YOUR SOLUTION WITH "AND" NOT "BUT."
When you follow your validation with "But..." your child will go right back to feeling invalidated. There is something about the word "but" that negates any good intentions of the preceding words. By substituting the word "and" (or simply eliminating the word "but"), you will change the way your solution is received.

Check out these before and afters:
Example for young child --
BEFORE: "You're feeling angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies. But you can't have dessert before you eat your dinner."
AFTER: "You're feelings angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies. And you can have that cookie as soon as you finish your dinner, okay?"

You might still get a tantrum after all this, but the more you approach your child's meltdowns in this way, the less likely your child will be to spiral out of control.

Example for tweens and teens --
BEFORE: "You're mad that I took your game privilege away. I know how much you enjoy playing games with your friends. It's not easy when you know they're all playing and you can't, right? But you didn't follow the rule I set about game time limits."
AFTER: "You're mad that I took your game privilege away. I know how much you enjoy playing games with your friends. It's not easy when you know they're all playing and you can't, right? And do you remember that we agreed on a time limit for games? And that if you go over, you lose your privilege? I have to keep my end of the deal on that. Thanks for understanding."

Again, your child may not walk away from this interaction in a wonderful mood, but you are establishing a strong foundation of connection that will only grow from here.

For more ideas about Taming the Tantrums and addressing anger, join Kelly Davis, Let's Connect counselor, and Ann Sherman, Parenting Matters Coordinator for TEENS, Inc, on Wednesday mornings at 9:15 am at Nederland Elementary School.