Monday, February 22, 2021

Nurturing Ourselves on our Parenting Journey

  


      During the first parenting session of “Raising Whole Human Beings”, facilitator Angie Sands addressed how to meaningfully connect with our children in order to forge a strong attachment between parent and child.  “After spending the last month focusing on child-directed play and being totally present with my child for 10 -15 minutes each day, my child is absolutely thrilled! He now asks for ‘special time’ with me nearly every day,”  one dad reflected.  A mom who has been attending the Mountain Strong Families parenting series added, “I feel more in-tune with my kids.  I’m noticing more joy and less family conflict.”  If we want to make sure our children have strong social emotional skills, we need to start with building a rock solid foundation with them, despite our busy schedules.  Finding concrete ways to connect on a daily basis produces kids who are resilient in the long run and more likely to listen to us in the short term, says Dr. Dan Siegel, author of “No Drama Discipline."



     The second Mountain Strong Families session, on February 18th, focused on the wellbeing of parents.  Siegel’s extensive research has shown that the #1 predictor of a child “turning out well” is their caretaker’s self understanding.  Three topics were addressed to assist parents in developing a greater understanding of their triggers, their ability to self regulate, and identifying any unmet needs that get in the way of being their best selves.  

    



 Parents began by listing behaviors that make them angry with their children.  Everything from  “does the opposite of what I ask”, “talks back”, yells “I hate you!”, to “he ignores me” or “the kids constantly fight” were mentioned as ongoing irritants that can cause parents to see “red”.  We were encouraged to chase the reasons behind our anger.  What childhood experiences and emotional wounds bubble up when we interact with our own children?  Did we have to stuff our hurt feelings as a child?  How are feelings of rejection, disrespect, or shame impacting us today as we raise our kids?  


 


     Brene’ Brown, a researcher studying feelings of shame, has uncovered adult behaviors that seem to derive from our own painful experiences in childhood.  “We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history,” she learned.  We may need to work through some old memories, and quit trying to numb our pain, in order to show up the way we want to be with our kids.  Diana Underhill, from Tadasana Mountain Yoga studio, led the group in an exercise to check-in with our bodies in order to become aware of emotional baggage we may be carrying.  A list of local counseling resources was also offered to parents wanting to explore more about themselves.  




     Next, parents practiced three helpful steps for managing their anger when they get frustrated with their child’s behavior.  The first step, when we initially begin to get upset with our child, is to (1) stop talking or physically reacting, drop your agenda (i.e. to-do list, schedule, expectation or demand), and take five deep belly breaths to turn off the alarm system in your brain.  Secondly, (2) repeat a mantra you have memorized that helps reframe how you are thinking about the situation at hand.  Parents chose phrases like ~  “My child isn’t giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time” or “Don’t take it personally.”  The third step involves (3) doing an active movement that releases the extra angry or anxious energy in our body.  Our brain is urgently pushing us to react, but we can take that energy and quickly dance, push against a wall, do jumping jacks, or walk out of the room and splash cold water on our face to practice the pause before responding to our children.  “I like these concrete ideas for how to take a moment so I can respond instead of having a knee jerk reaction to my children," commented one mom. Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids, believes practicing these daily anger management strategies for 12 weeks will build the new neural pathways for calmly responding to our children instead of yelling at them.





     Finally, parents explored the variety of human needs we each require to have a sense of wellbeing.  We can often feel irritable, resentful and exhausted while caring for our children because some of our basic needs are not being attended to.  Parents completed a “love languages” quiz to determine their preferences for feeling loved.  Consider how you can use the gestures that make you feel loved to provide care for yourself rather than relying on someone else.  Parents took their favorite love languages and created a self care action plan that illuminated their desire for either more affirmations, acts of service, gifts of love, loving touch, or desire for more quality time.  Parents brainstormed specific activities that would fulfill their intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, social, and creative needs.  They were also encouraged to write themselves a daily permission slip to take something off of their to-do list.  Every day, I’ll do these two things (______ and ______) to nurture myself.  Every week, I’ll schedule in time to do this:_____.  At least once a month, I’ll make plans to ______.  Parents took time to intentionally plan how to show themselves more self compassion.  




     Ignoring our own needs, or waiting for someone else to fulfill them, does not produce caregivers who feel whole.  Doing errands and taking a shower should not be considered self-care.  They are necessary chores and grooming activities.  Instead, parents selected activities that really fill their cup and bring joy or healthy relaxation into their lives.  Even if you don’t have to unpack too many painful childhood memories, or need to constrain your urge to yell, we all need to prioritize our own wellbeing.  Scheduling time to foster hobbies, be playful, move our bodies, and nourish our souls can’t wait until the kids are grown.  


     “When I first met Laura, she seemed grounded and happy.  After years of parenting her young son, she was frustrated and feeling trapped.  We talked about what she loves to do and how she could schedule those things into her life.  Horseback riding brings her joy.  She made plans to ride twice per month and it has changed her perspective on mountain living during a pandemic.  She now believes she can once again bring her best self into her parenting.  Taking care of Laura is one way she also takes care of her son.”   

     

    The next Mountain Strong Families session on March 11th will cover how to “Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children.”  You can learn more about this positive parenting approach by joining the Mountain Strong Families Facebook Group. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

    

      Has your child screamed at you recently or called their sibling names?   Have you experienced your child melting down as soon as they get home from school?  Is your child often irritable and anxious?  They may just need some help knowing how to manage uncomfortable emotions.  

     Kristina Scully, from ThePathway2Success.com, summarizes strategies that our children need to know to get through life.  Coping skills are the supports that help children and young adults manage tough emotions.  Kids are still learning how to manage their emotions.  They are constantly deciding which strategies help them soothe themselves.  If we want kids to use healthy coping strategies (instead of zoning out on screens, numbing themselves with food or substances, or stuffing their feelings), we have to teach them how.

     Research shows that just teaching healthy strategies once is not enough.  In order for children to effectively use these skills and tools to calm down when they are upset, they need to commit them to memory.  Practicing skills before upset feelings occur helps to create the neural pathways which support the child when they will need it most.  Here are 16 different healthy strategies that allow children to feel, express, and regulate their emotions:  

1 Mindful Morning Moment.  Use this simple 5,4,3,2,1 mindfulness exercise to start off the day with your child.  Or, use it at any time of day when your child is beginning to get upset.  



2.  Create a Coping Strategies Menu.  Help kids understand their options for coping skills.  Use this coping strategies list to help kids brainstorm their own list.  Try out a bunch of the strategies to see which ones work the best for different emotions and for each person.  



3.  Utilize Nature to Balance the Nervous System.  Spend time outside (or just gaze out the window) to observe the beauty of nature.  Watching wildlife can reduce stress, improve focus, and promote feelings of calm.  Or, help your child use their senses in the outdoors ~  smell a pine cone or the fresh mountain air, sift dirt or rub tree bark, listen silently to the birds, leaves, or wind.  If you can't get outside to watch wildlife, the next best thing is watching a live cam of any animal your child adores.  


            

4.  Do regular Emotion Check-Ins with your child.  Teach children how to PAUSE, ask how they feel, identify emotions, and move forward by identifying underlying needs.  



5.  Color or Draw.  Children and adults find calmness by coloring or drawing a picture of what they are feeling inside. 


6. Practice Mindfulness.  Activities like slow, deep breathing and guided visualizations  help kids feel calm and in control.  By focusing on the inhales and exhales of our breath, it can help restore calm and focus. Mindful breathing is one of the best techniques to try.  Utilize these "breathing boards" to trace while slowing your breath, or give some of these calming apps a try ~  Breathe2Relax,  Calm, Personal Zen, and Pacifica.

 




7.  Create Self Affirmations. Grab a notebook or just a piece of paper and help your child write out compliments about themselves. This helps a child focus on the positives while clearing the mind.


8.  Listen (or dance) to Music.   Listening to music is a highly individualized strategy. Try different types of music and take note of how you feel.  Develop a playlist with your child that helps them feel through their sadness, anger, disappointment, worry.

9.  Read for pleasure.  Reading for pleasure can help us feel cozy and calm. Help find the right reading material for your child; this can be anything from a picture book about emotions or friendship issues to a magazine, or a classic chapter book they are interested in.
 

10.  Exercise, Move, or do Yoga Stretches.  When we feel either angry or stressed, we need to move the extra energy out of our bodies in order to feel calmer.  Shooting some hoops, walking, jumping jacks and pushups all balance our nervous system.  Research has shown that practicing yoga increases levels of GABA in our bodies. This amino acid fights against feelings of depression while creating feelings of calm. There are many videos (like this Yoga for kids Youtube channel) to help you get started.



11. Write it out.  Writing in a journal helps get thoughts out in a safe way. Sometimes, just by writing thoughts out, you can learn to make sense of things in a different way.  Buy or create a cool journal that your child can use to process their feelings regularly.

 

12.  Build Something to Show How you Feel.  Use blocks, Legos, or any other tool to build something. Kids can create freely, or build something based on how they are feeling.


13. Use a Fidget.  Fidgets are tools that can help calm the body and mind. While they are fun, it’s important to first teach that these are not toys when we use them to get calm – instead, they are tools. Some favorites includes putty, kinetic sand, liquid timers, and stress balls.





14. Use Brainteasers, Riddles, or Jokes.  Brainteasers and riddles encourage us to think outside the box and challenge our minds. This can be a healthy brain break to reduce stress and refocus the brain in a positive way.  Laughing helps trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, sending out feel-good vibes and reducing stress. Try watching “try not to laugh” videos together or make up your own joke book.

15. Talk it Out.  For some people, talking can be a healthy reset when they are feeling sad or stressed. Talking about topics unrelated to that actual problem can actually be a great way to start because it serves as a quick distraction.  Or, having someone listen to how you are feeling and what you are needing can move mountains as they empathize with and validate your inner world.  



16.  Make a Gratitude List.   Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools when you are feeling down. Try making a list of something you’re thankful for with every letter of the alphabet. 


     The above mentioned strategies demonstrate that there are a variety of coping tools which can balance our nervous system and help us feel calmer and ready to fix whatever is bugging us.  Practicing the six general types of strategies will help your child know which ones work the best for them:

a.  Using your senses indoors or in nature.
b.  Deep breathing and mindfulness practices.
c.  Right brain musical and artistic exercises.
d.  Finding the words to express yourself.
e.  Moving the chemical energy out of your body.
f.   Distracting yourself temporarily with puzzles, jokes, laughter.  




     Consider setting up a cozy Calming Corner somewhere in your home.  Along with your child, find helpful objects and tools to place in the corner.  Help your child know when to advocate for themselves to use these tools when they are feeling upset.  This is not a "time out" space where children are punished for having feelings.  This is a place to express their inner world of emotions, thoughts, and needs and to regulate themselves (or co-regulate with you) in preparation for working through their challenges.