Helping Children separate the People from the Problem and the Facts from Opinions

          "People fail to get along because they fear each other;

          they fear each other because they don't know each other;

          they don't know each other because they have not 

     communicated with each other."

          Martin Luther King, Jr.  

     Last week, we began learning how important it is to speak assertively; to share our ideas and feelings.  We are practicing how to Speak Up and Speak Kindly by utilizing I-messages rather than judging or attacking someone else.  Taking responsibility for our own feelings will help us improve our communication skills when we feel upset or angry.   Our reactionary Lizard Brain wants to spit out personal attacks.  But our wise Wizard Brain helps us critique the problematic behavior instead. 

     To reinforce this effective use of communication at home, you may want to:

*Ask your child what kind of voice & body language they use when they speak up.

*Ask your child what kind of words they use to speak up. 

*Help your child re-frame aggressive You-messages into assertive I-messages.  For instance, when your daughter yells at her sibling “Well, you’re stupid, too!" you might coach her, instead, to say “ I don’t like it when you call me names.  That hurts my feelings.”

*Tell your child when you notice him/her using a strong, respectful voice and kind words to speak up.  

     We are also learning how important it is to separate Opinions from Facts.  Children tend to think if they believe something, it must be true.  Just like adults, if they act on opinions and assumptions, without researching the evidence or without asking questions and listening to folks on the other side, they often cause more problems for themselves and others.  

     Learning how to separate Opinions from Facts seems particularly challenging because disagreeing over facts seems to be a national past time right now.  Sara Gorman and Jack Gorman, authors of Denying to the Grave:  Why We Ignore the Facts that will Save Us, argue that it is our psychology that drives us to reject scientific facts and statistics for our own opinions and interpretation.  Humans are distinctly uncomfortable with events or phenomena without clear causes, and when we don’t know something, we tend to fill in the gaps ourselves.  We also respond more to stories than to statistics.  So spin a good story for your children to teach the values you believe in, but also keep asking them to think about whether something is a fact or an opinion before they repeat it or react to it.   

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor, NES 

and Parenting Matters Coordinator, TEENS, Inc.

Communicating with Children

     Have you ever heard of I-messages?  You know, those carefully thought out statements that share how you are feeling and objectively describe what caused you to feel that way?   Well, they are harder to craft than you think, especially if you are seven years old and very upset.  They require slowing yourself way down.

     We know that when something upsets us, a primal emotional reaction is triggered deep without our Amygdala, or Lizard Brain.  Our wellbeing feels threatened and we want to automatically react by blaming and judging others, often exaggerating the threat, and beginning our verbal attack on the other person with the word “You.”  But when we let our Lizard Brain do all the talking, the situation often escalates and relationships deteriorate.

     The trick is to both practice strategies for lowering our emotional reaction and  taking the time to re-frame what is going on inside us before we share it with the world.  I-messages are formulated in our Pre-frontal Cortex, or Wizard Brain.  We often get so much farther when we use them instead of You-messages.  They help us share how we are feeling & what behavior or decision caused this response in us.  Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers this familiar format to use:  

I feel ____when I observe_____because I need/want________. 

     Students at NES have been using their Wizard Brains to practice creating I-messages.  They are asserting themselves with less likelihood of triggering a Lizard Brain reaction from the recipient of their message.  The hope is for them to use both verbal and nonverbal messages to call out a Wizard response in others and work together to solve the problem at hand.  Being assertive and empathetic takes practice.  Parents can be amazing coaches in this regard by helping children re-frame You-messages into I-messages. 

     Tina Payne Bryson, author of The Whole-Brain Child, encourages parents to also consider their nonverbal communication when disciplining a child.  If a parent towers over a child while pointing a finger as they reprimand, the child’s emotional Lizard Brain is triggered into a fight or flight mode.  Bryson claims if parents lower themselves to the eye level of the child, they are more likely to send both a comforting and firm message about the change that is needed.  This allows for a less defensive response from the child.  Try sitting down next to your child, breathing through your emotional reaction, and formulating I-messages to get a change in their behavior.  For instance, “I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you aren’t ready to leave yet…..Please put on your shoes now.”    For more ideas about how to lean into your child’s emotional state before redirecting, watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUZHgRupqIA&t=189s  

           

  Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor NES and Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc.   

Positive Parenting Resolutions!

  It’s a new year!  It’s a new me!

  Gonna be the best that I can be!

     Students at NES began the semester by singing about their New Year’s resolution to “THINK POSITIVELY” in Ms. Jones’ class.  BrainWise lessons got students thinking about how to communicate and act if we are following the nonviolent model and dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Each new year reminds us to self reflect and give some thought to changing ourselves, improving our relationships, and our world.  

     Here is an encouraging article from Aha Parenting.com for those of us who would love to set some parenting resolutions that help our children develop strong social emotional skills. 

Easy Ways To Improve Your Parenting... No Resolutions Necessary (by Dr. Laura Markham).

Tired of resolutions? Here are 10 Easy Ways To Improve Your Parenting, No Resolutions Necessary. Put these on your fridge and read them daily. I guarantee you less drama and more love.
 

1. Empathize more. Children don't always need to get their way, but they do need to feel understood. Isn't that what we all need? Whatever your child says or does, she has a reason. Even while setting limits, try acknowledging that reason. Instead of "Stop pushing him!" try "You want your brother to move so you can reach the truck. Say 'Move Please.'"
 

2. Tell them what they CAN do, instead of what they can't. Instead of "Stop playing with the ball in the house!" try "Balls are for outside. Inside, you can throw the stuffed animals into the bathtub."
 

3. Get them laughing every day. Laughter changes the body chemistry, decreasing stress hormones so kids are more cooperative and sleep better. It also increases bonding hormones, so when you laugh with someone, you strengthen your relationship.
 

4. Say Yes more often. We're parents, so we have to set limits and say No, over and over all day long. So when you can say yes, say it. Even when you have to say no, can you say it with "Yes" energy? "YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!"
 

5. Spend "special time" every day with each child. If you want to strengthen and sweeten your relationship with your child, here's your prescription. Just show up and pour your love into your child without controlling him. Parents often tell me that their children react to getting this one-on-one time "like they were missing an essential vitamin." They were. Every child needs this tangible expression of your love.
 

6. Use your pause button to yell less. Be the role model.  How will they learn to regulate their emotions if we don't regulate ours?
 

7. Turn your screen off when you're with your child.  Many children say their parents' phone is the most important thing in the parent's life. They'll remember for the rest of your life that you turned your phone off when you were with them.
 

8. Go outside and move with your kids.  Research confirms what your grandmother said. Children really do need daily fresh air, greenery and movement to de-stress and be their best selves.
 

9. Allow emotions, limit behavior.  Of course you need to set limits. But when we allow emotions, children learn to manage them faster. Just say "You must be so upset to use that tone of voice. Tell me about it, Sweetie. We can figure this out together." Your child will start calming down before your eyes.
 

10. Put yourself back on the list. You can only be emotionally generous if you take care of you. I know, that's tough, but it isn't sustainable to leave yourself off the list. Start by getting enough sleep and talking to yourself like someone you love. Monitor your well-being as you go through your day. Every day, do something that increases your level of joy. You'll see your good mood rub off on your child.
                              Happy New Year! I hope 2017 is your family's best year yet.

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor and Parenting Matters Coordinator ann@teensinc.org    720-561-4861

Raising Children with Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is learned.  Students at Nederland Elementary School are practicing being mindful of the messages their bodies send out when they are experiencing a strong emotion.  These indicators are sent out by the Amygdala (or Lizard Brain) to let them know they are having an emotional response to a situation.  We are learning to be aware when we feel our bodies talking to us in some of the following ways -- a rapid heartbeat, tense or shaky muscles, or an upset digestive system.

Try asking your child to practice identifying his or her emotions in various situations and use their Wizard Brain/Prefrontal Cortex to pay attention to the “Red Flag warnings” their bodies are sending them.  Mindfully reading their body is the first skill to learn, articulating that emotion in a thoughtful way is the next step, and knowing & practicing strategies to help regulate emotional intensity are the indicators of Emotional Intelligence.  Getting our own emotional house in order aids us when interacting with others.  

Children need the adults in their lives to teach what this complete awareness looks like.  For instance, adults can role model emotional intelligence by saying things like:  “My shoulders and jaw feel really tight tonight (physical sensation).  I must be feeling stressed and uptight (identify emotion).  I’m gonna put on some good music, have a cup of hot tea and snuggle up next to the fire with you (emotional regulation strategy).  That should help me relax.”   The more we adults show that we are aware of our emotional state and are actively caring for ourselves, the easier it is for children to learn to do the same in a healthy manner. 

In addition, we can help children develop an awareness of what various emotions look like on the faces of others and what nonverbal cues often indicate these emotional states.  To have strong social skills, humans need to learn to read faces and body language just like they learn to read books.   We can read to our children before we tuck them into bed, but we can also daily point out the emotions illuminated on the people around us, how to effectively communicate our feelings without disrespecting others, and how to actively attend to everyone’s well being. 

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor/Parenting Matters Coordinator