A Body Knows -- Teaching Our Children to Listen to their Bodies

Emotions are "energy in motion" pulsating throughout your body.  An important skill of emotional intelligence is being able to notice the physical sensations in your body that indicate you are experiencing an emotion and be able to  put a name to it.

      Children don't automatically make the connection between an upset stomach and anxiety, or a hot face and anger, or a heavy chest and sadness.  When they learn to pay attention to the messages their bodies are giving them, they develop self awareness about their emotional state.  When they mindfully listen to their bodies, they will learn to know what they are feeling and what they need.  Being mindfully aware of their bodies also allows children to "catch" themselves as they begin to feel an emotion; to soothe themselves before they become completely dysregulated.  When they are aware of their inner world, it helps them decide what self care strategies they need to ease their strong emotions and help them connect to their thinking brains.

      To help children develop this skill, parents can model (1) noticing their own body sensations, (2) putting a feeling word to it, and (3) doing something to help themselves regulate their emotions.  For instance, "I'm starting to breathe faster and my face is hot and red.  I know that means I'm getting really frustrated because you haven't done your chores yet.  I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and when I come back I should feel better and ready to talk with you."

    Even if children have a basic understanding of feelings, they may not fully grasp other more in-depth emotional concepts.  Teach children to learn a larger emotional vocabulary, explain that emotions have different levels (slightly annoyed to irate), and discuss how you can feel multiple emotions at once.  Learning about emotions will help children understand their own feelings and develop greater self awareness on a daily basis.  
     
     Another way to help children of all ages tune into their emotional state is to practice mindfulness together.  Mindfulness can help children be aware of the way their body reacts physically and emotionally to life's challenges.

     Every day at Nederland Elementary, the entire school pauses to clear our minds, slow our heart rate, and breathe deeply as we begin our day.  Mindfulness instructor, Patti Schrader, leads exercises during the announcements.  Neuro-scientists have shown that slowing ourselves down in a regular practice leads to greater self awareness and calmer emotions, as well as greater attention for learning and compassion for others.  This year-long curriculum provides a predictable, soothing start to each day.

     Families may want to explore various Mindfulness apps to use as a regular part of your child's bedtime routine as well.  The apps can help your child achieve a relaxed state in preparation for sleep.  These apps include short, developmentally appropriate exercises that have been specifically designed for use with children.  They are a great tool to guide children through a short breathing exercise -- tuning them into their body and balancing their nervous system.

 Mindfulness Apps for Kids

     Smiling Mind includes the most extensive library of meditations to use with children aged
    7 -12  years, teens and adults.  FREE.

     Meditations for Kids by Highly Meditated includes 10 short themed meditations as well 
     as relaxing environmental sounds/musical pieces.  They use guided imagery to help children
     manage worry and anxiety, everyday stress, fidgeting, and fear of the dark.  Age 6+.  $

     Dreamy Kids by Taylan Wenzel includes meditations and guided visualizations that can be
    combined with relaxing background ambient sounds.  Free app has a limited number of 
    resources, but further programs can be purchased. 

     Wellbeyond Meditation for Kids includes 5 short meditations with themes about focusing
     on the present moment, feelings, kindness, and sleep.  FREE

     Stop, Breathe & Think Kids includes a series of short, video meditation "missions" with 
     seven categories-- quiet, focus, caring and connecting, energizing, meltdown, open mind, 
     and sleep.  FREE.

     Super Stretch Yoga integrates visual images of children doing 12 simple yoga poses.  It 
     helps younger children to stretch their bodies, rest their minds and focus their breathing.  For
     ages 4+.  FREE.

     Sleep Meditation for Kids by Christiane Kerr  only includes one free 13 minute guided 
     meditation.  Further meditations can be purchased within the app.  For younger children and 

    teens.  FREE. 

Angry?! How Naming and Understanding the Different Kinds of Anger Can Help

   

     "To tame your anger," says Michaeleen Doucleff, "it may take time to observe and name it."  Children at NES have been trying to expand their emotions vocabulary so they can explicitly and accurately describe how they are feeling.  For some, that means not saying "everything" makes them "mad."  For others, it means distinguishing between being annoyed or bitter, beginning to feel irritated, feeling disappointed, jealous or frustrated, or saying they are really "furious" or "outraged" about the situation.  Being able to pin point what they are feeling allows students to decide if it is a fleeting emotion or if they may need to select a strategy to lower their intense emotion.  In addition, just naming what is going on inside of oneself helps bring the prefrontal cortex online with the emotional limbic system.  It serves to regulate and soothe the emotion.  It also helps others understand what is going on with us.

     Doucleff goes on to write about her revelation about anger and the power of naming it precisely.  See if her ideas resonate with your life...

     Over the past three years, I've had one major goal in my personal life:  To stop being so angry.  Anger has been my emotional currency.  I grew up in an angry home.  Door slamming and phone throwing were basic means of communication.  I brought these skills to my 20-year marriage.  "Why are you yelling?" my husband would say.  "I'm not," I'd retort.  Oh wait.  On second thought:  "You're right.  I am yelling."  

     Then three years ago, an earthquake hit our home:  We had a baby girl.  And all I wanted was the opposite.  I wanted her to grow up in a peaceful environment -- to learn other ways of handling uncomfortable situations.

     So I went to therapy.  I kept cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets.  I took deep breaths, counted to 10 and walked out of rooms.  And I even meditated at night.  These strategies helped me manage the anger, but they never really decreased it.  It was like keeping a feral horse in a barn.  I was contained, but not really domesticated.

     Then, six months ago, I was talking with Lisa Feldman Barrett, a psychologist at Northeastern University.  Right at the end of the hour-long interview, she tossed out this suggestion:  "You could increase your emotional granularity."   

     My emotional what?  "Go learn more emotion words and emotion concepts from your culture and other cultures," she added.  Over the past 30 years, Feldman Barrett has found evidence that anger isn't one emotion but rather a whole family of emotions.  And learning to identify different members of the family is a powerful tool for regulating your anger, studies have shown.  Or better yet, as I found, go and make up your own anger categories and start using them.  

     There's a common theory about anger.  You'll find it in text books, scientific papers, news reports.  And some scientists support the theory, says Feldman Barrett.  The idea is that anger is one of several "basic emotions" that are universal.  It's almost like a reflex -- hard-wired in the brain.  When something unjust or unfair happens to you, "your blood pressure often goes up.  Your heart rate will go up.  Maybe you'll breathe heavily or you'll have a reddening of your skin.  Then you'll have an urge...to punch or yell at someone.  "That's the stereotype of what anger is," Feldman Barrett says.  But it's not the full story.

     What you feel when you're angry depends on the situation, what your past experiences are and how your culture has taught you to respond, she says.  As a result, there is actually enormous variation in the types of anger in the U.S. , like exuberant anger when you're getting pumped up to compete in sports, or sad anger when your spouse or boss doesn't appreciate you.  

     When you look at other cultures, the variation explodes.  Germans have a word that roughly means "a face in need of a slap," or backpfeifengesicht.  "It's like you're so furious with someone that you look at their face, and it's as if their face is urging you to punch them," Feldman Barrett says.  "It's a great emotion."

     Ancient Greeks differentiated between a short-term anger that doesn't stick around (orge) with a long-lasting anger that's permanent (menin).  Mandarin Chinese has a specific word for anger directed toward yourself.  It's literally a combination of regret and hate, says linguist Yao Yao at Hong Kong Polytechnic University.  "You regret something you did so much, that you're angry at yourself," she says.  

     Thais have, at least, seven degrees of anger, says linguist Yuphaphann Hoonchamlong at the University of Hawaii.  "We don't walk around saying 'I'm angry.'  That's too broad.  "We may start with 'I'm displeased' and 'I'm dissatisfied' and then increase the intensity," she says.  And India is a treasure trove of angers.  "There's a common form of anger which means like 'when eggplant hits the hot oil,' says Abhijeet Paul, who teaches South Asian literature at Middlebury College.  "You suddenly become, like, really angry at hearing something shocking or learning something that you really, really dislike," Paul says.  

     Indians also differentiate between political anger, which you have for the ruling class or "boss man," and personal angers, which you have for a friend, family or neighbor.  You would never mix the two and express political anger in a personal relationship, Paul says.  "There's also a very interesting anger that is a loving anger," Paul says.  You express this emotion toward a spouse when your spouse has angered you but you can't help the, only love them, he says.  "It's a bag of love, grief, sorrow and anger."

     So in many ways, anger is like wine.  There are these major varieties -- such as chardonnay and pinot noir-- but each vintage has its own unique combination of aromas, flavors and potency.  The more practice you have at detecting -- and naming -- these nuances, the better you understand wine.

     And if you learn to detect all the various flavors and nuances of anger and label them, you can start to handle your anger better, says psychologist Maria Gendron at Yale University.  "There's definitely emerging evidence that just the act of putting a label on your feelings is a really powerful tool for regulation," Gendron says.  It can keep the anger from overwhelming you.  It can offer clues about what to do in response to the anger.  And sometimes, it can make the anger go away.  

     The ideas is to take a statement that's broad and general, such as "I'm so angry," and make it more precise.  take the Thai:  "I'm displease," or the German "Backpfeifengesicht!"   Psychologists call this strategy emotional granularity.  Studies show that the more emotional granularity a person has, the less likely they are to shout or hit someone who has hurt them.  They are also less likely to binge drink when stressed.  On the other hand, people diagnosed with major depressive disorder are more likely to have low emotional granularity compared to healthy adults.  

      "There's a whole arm of research showing how functional it is to have finely tuned categories for our experiences," Gendron says.  Emotional granularity is like watching HDTV versus regular TV.  It lets you see your anger with higher resolution, Gendron says.  "It gives you more information about what that anger means, whether you value that experience and choices about what to do next, " she says.  

     This last part is key:  Being granular with your anger helps you figure out what's the best way to handle the situation -- or whether you should do anything at all.  For instance, if you are feeling a burst of anger, which you know will fade rapidly, then maybe doing nothing is the best strategy.  

     And you don't have to limit yourself to the labels that already exist, Gendron says.  Be creative.  Analyze what's causing your various angers, give them specific names and start using the terms with family and coworkers.  "If you are making a practice in your family of coming up with words and then using them together, that actually can regulate physiology," she says.  "That can resolve the kind of ambiguity about the situation."

     Personally, I found this strategy the most helpful.  I started paying attention to what typically triggers my anger at work and at home.  And I found three major types, which I named.
      ILLOGICAL ANGER:  This emotion happens when somebody at work makes a decision that seems completely illogical.  Once I labeled this anger and started tracking what happens afterwards, I quickly realized that trying to convince an illogical person of logic is often futile -- and a waste of time.
     HURRY-UP ANGER:  This is the anger I feel when someone else is not doing something fast enough -- yes, I'm talking about the driver of the gray Prius at the stoplight this morning or the 3-year-old who will not put her shoes on fast enough.  Once I labeled it, I realized that cars, people and toddlers eventually move.  Huffing and puffing doesn't make it faster.  
     DISONOPHOUS ANGER:   This is my favorite anger.  And has the biggest impact on my life.  I wanted to figure out how to decrease yelling at our house.  So I started paying attention to what often occurred right before the screaming began.  It was super obvious:  The dog was barking and the toddler was screaming.  Basically two loud sounds simultaneously.  
      So my husband and I made up disonophous anger from the Latin for "two sounds."     Now when my husband says, "I have disonophous anger, Michealeen..."  we know exactly what to do:  Put the dog on the porch and pick up the baby.  

    Have FUN coming up with specific names for your child's anger!   See if stretching your child's emotional vocabulary helps them handle their emotions a little better.  

      

ReThinking Discipline and Finding New Friends

     

      As families shared a plate of chicken chop suey and Colorado peach cobbler, two moms met and became instant comadres.  They looked across the room and noticed each other holding their own 4-month-old baby.  Who would have thought that their babies were born just three days apart,  they both live near Ward, and the two of them were at the Mountain Strong Families presentation reflecting upon how they will raise their bundles of joy?  An instant friendship was launched as they realized they were both rearing their offspring on the mountain tops and gulches surrounding Nederland.  And who couldn’t use a new friend to help them be the best parent one can be?

     At the second Mountain Strong Families presentation on September 10^th, local school counselors Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller began the conversation about ReThinking Discipline by using Dr. Dan Siegel’s workbook, No-Drama Discipline.  Parents were asked to consider which discipline style they use when they are at their best and what their default style looks like when they are exhausted and frustrated with their child’s behavior.  It is common that parents threaten consequences, send their child into timeout, react inconsistently or struggle to set boundaries, overreact in a harsh way, or engage in power struggles with toddlers to teenagers.  The job of parenting taxes us all.

     The No-Drama Discipline Workbook begins with clarifying the word discipline derives from the Latin word meaning “to teach skills.”   Dr. Siegel believes there are usually better ways to teach skills than by giving immediate consequences.  Instead of punishment, he suggests that we try to help our children think about their actions, feelings and needs.  We would all love for our children to just obey us in the short run, but in the long run our goal is to have them develop self- control, a moral compass, and grow up to be kind and responsible people.  Every child needs discipline in order to develop into a successful adult.

     The first step in developing a thoughtful and intentional discipline style-- one which will produce responsible and compassionate people-- is to make sure you aren’t reacting from autopilot when your child misbehaves.  Adult caretakers need to make sure they are regulating themselves before responding and disciplining children.  Parents suggested several tools that help them shift from a knee-jerk reaction to their child smearing peanut butter on the couch (or climbing out the window to hang with friends on a Friday night).  Some of their favorite ways to PAUSE before responding to the teachable moment were to (1) reflect on how you are feeling and what you need in that situation,  (2) stop and look at how small the child’s hands are while realizing they are still learning and growing,  (3)  pause and remember three things you love about them,  (4) or take three deep, slow breaths before saying anything.  Strategies like these help adults put their oxygen mask on first.  It allows discipline to feel safe and loving instead of humiliating and scary to the child.

     The second step suggested by Kron and Mueller was to ask yourself three simple questions which will help you respond to your child with curiosity instead of frustration.  Ask yourself WHY is my child acting like this?  (Are they hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  Is there some need being met by their behavior?  What is their perspective in this situation?)   WHAT skill do they need to learn in this situation?  HOW can I best teach this lesson?  (Do I need to soothe them and lower their emotions before I can guide them to make better choices?)  Considering the answers to these three questions often helps parents respond differently to the situation.

     The third thing to consider when disciplining a child is to distinguish between a child who “can’t” and “won’t” behave.  Kids who fail to behave as they are expected to are often seen as being willfully disobedient, as just deciding to be difficult.  While many parents take misbehavior personally and see it as an act of defiance, Dr. Siegel helps parents realize that most misbehavior represents the child indicating that they don't know how to control themselves and make good decisions.  The child often does not have the language skills, social skills, emotional regulation skills, or the capacity to act any differently than they are acting.  They are often emotionally dysregulated or lack the skill set to behave better.  We adults often have unrealistic expectations for a child’s age and stage of development.  They often “can’t” behave any differently.  They need our help, showing them how to make better choices.   

     The final “aha” moment for parents came when Kron and Mueller explained how brain science is helping us understand behavior in a different way.  Humans are born with a fully developed “lizard” or reptilian brain.  This part of our brain helps us process emotions up to 500 times faster than our brain processes thoughts and choices.  Our first reaction to situations is an emotional one, not a well-thought out, measured response.  When a situation produces uncomfortable emotions in us, our survival mechanism is triggered and we react with fight, flight, or freezing behaviors.  The child who yells or pushes (fights), the adolescent that slams the bedroom door when given limits (flight), the 3^rd grader who clams up and won’t tell you what is going on (freeze) … are all in their defensive survival mode. 

     It takes children until their mid-to-late 20’s to fully develop their “wizard brain” or thoughtful prefrontal cortex.  This developing brain allows them to soothe their intense emotions, think through decisions, verbalize their thoughts and feelings, develop empathy for how others are feeling, brainstorm choices and creatively problem solve.  Note to self:  no one can learn when they are in their “lizard” brain.  Our endless lectures are falling on deaf ears when our child’s emotions are elevated.  Our response to their behavior can either enrage them, i.e. lock them in their lizard brain where they cannot think things through, or engage them in connecting with their wise, compassionate brain where they can reflect and learn.   Science has shown that addressing kids' emotional needs is actually the most effective approach to addressing behavior over time, as well as developing their brains in ways that allow them to handle themselves better as they grow up.

     We adults are most frustrated and stressed out when our children aren’t behaving-- when the connection between their lizard and wizard brain has been lost-- or they have flipped their lid.  There are many strategies parents can use to help build neural pathways between the emotional and thoughtful parts of their children’s brain.  A few shared ideas included – showing empathy for how the child is feeling (naming their emotions to tame them), validating how they feel (“I can see how that would upset you”), soothing the child to deescalate their intense emotional reaction (“let’s hug and take three deep breaths together, then we’ll talk about what happened”), giving clear choices (say “yes” with a condition attached), and collaborating with the child to solve the problem (“how can I help you work through this?”). 

     Hearing this helpful parenting information, parents were dying to apply this knowledge to real world experiences.  The Mountain Strong Families presentations at Nederland Elementary School on October 9, November 6, and December 3^rd will offer chances to practice strategies and skills when children are “spoiled, disrespectful, defiant” (…oops, rethink as emotionally dysregulated with undeveloped skills).  Come shift your thinking, develop new tools, and find more joy in your role as parent!   RSVP for the next free family dinner, childcare and presentation, “How Connecting Deeply with our Children Helps them Learn,” to ann@teensinc.org.

How to de-stress before taking on your child's challenging behaviors

     

In between the wonderful moments with your children, there are many times that your role can feel frustrating, stressful and exhausting.  When you’re feeling flooded and your amygdala is keeping your thoughtful upstairs brain from functioning as it should, it can seem impossible to respond to your child’s major meltdowns and defiance with anything but exasperation.  It is easy to get stuck feeling annoyance with our child --over the whining, the back talk, the stalling and ignoring your requests, the grabbing, the hitting, the defiance, the refusal to participate in an activity - or to go to sleep. 

     But underneath all that irritating behavior, your child is trying to tell you something. That difficult behavior is his best attempt at asking for your help.  However, it doesn't mean you just settle in and let him run the roost. Not at all. It just means you've got to figure out how to decode the message, and then pull together a plan to help him.
     On Tuesday, September 10th, two Nederland school counselors -- Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller -- will help parents dig out the "why" of children's behavior, and then help us make a plan to address the challenging behaviors and irritating attitudes.   It's time to ReThink Discipline now that we know so much more about how children's brains develop.  

     Last month, during the first Mountain Strong Families presentation, local counselors Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy helped us begin to examine our stress from parenting and learn nurturing ways to balance our nervous system before responding to our child’s behavior.
First, Evans asked us to notice where chronic stress is housed in our bodies -- zeroing in on where our muscles were constricted.  Stress causes our muscles to tighten up and this can create serious health problems if we are not moving that tension out of our bodies on a regular basis. We were then encouraged to consciously “open up” the constricted area (chest, head, jaw, stomach, shoulders) by focusing our thoughts and breathing into that spot until we felt more relaxed.  
      Too often in our culture,  we are paralyzed by the stress in our life and choose to numb ourselves with a little wine, weed, or endless wifi instead of moving the cortisol and tension out of our bodies.  Substance use that numbs us doesn’t actually remove the tension and stress hormones from our bodies.

As parents, we need a go-to list of tools that will move our brains from a reactive state to a more responsive one.  We were asked to think of numerous, quick self-care ideas we could perform for one minute here, one minute there, instead of bottling up our tension and waiting for a “spa day” to release it all. “Try shaking it off, going for a walk in nature, doing a vigorous workout” so that your body isn’t holding onto your stress hormones indefinitely, said Evans.   
   Other simple stress-reducers included bringing more laughter and lightness into our serious, anxious lives.  “Have family members share a funny joke at dinner time,” said Purdy. This can be a fun tradition that helps shift the focus temporarily away from a child who can't sit still,  won’t eat their vegetables, or who is drumming on the table to annoy his sister.   

Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy

     Evans also showed parents a simple technique for using all our senses to lower stress levels.  Parents made a list of the pleasant things we like to touch, smell, see, taste, and listen to.  By taking a moment to merely access these images in our brain (think chocolate chip cookies and ocean breezes), our amygdala is soothed and we can respond to our children's behavior from a more relaxed state.

Purdy then encouraged parents to change their thinking and language when it comes to the stress in our lives.  Our brain’s default mode is for negative thinking. For instance, we might catch ourselves thinking - “My daughter always makes us late!”  instead of reframing that thought into- “Currently, she is having challenges getting ready on time.” We were encouraged to reframe thoughts like, “My son never helps with chores” into “Right now, Skylar prefers to hang with his peers instead of assisting the family.”  Or when we catch ourselves thinking “I’m a horrible parent,” can we change the conversation in our head to "I didn’t handle that situation very well yesterday"?  

     Stress is a natural result of hard things, but the language we use to narrate our situation can either increase or decrease our stress levels.  When we think about our child’s challenging behaviors, it helps to reframe it as temporary and specific instead of permanent and universal in nature.  We have some control over the intensity of our body’s stress response if we intentionally shift our thinking about our children, ourselves, and the situation.  

When we choose healthy ways to lower our stress, it gives us the creative capacity to actually work on and fix the problem at hand. Join us for the next four Mountain Strong Families presentations. They are a great chance to begin creating a conscious plan for addressing challenging behavior with our kids.