Courtney Byrne shares how she takes time to help her children explicitly learn the social skills of kindness and compassion:
Last school year, I asked the same question each day on the drive home from school: "What did you do today that was kind?" It started for a few different reasons, but caught on and turned into more of an important conversation-starter than I expected.
If there's one thing all our schools could use (and really, the world in general), it's more kindness, so I decided to share this daily ritual we have and why I hope to continue it for years to come.
Before I lose you, I want to paint a clear picture of the scene in our car every day when we talked about kindness. I don't want you to dismiss this because it seems like another post written by a calm put-together mom sharing words on how to make your children behave like her lovely calm children.
I am not a calm mother who never yells. My kids are not calm children either and exhibit their fair share of naughty behavior. I drive a minivan, and it's a disaster. When the girls would hop into it after school, they'd start tossing everything from school papers to lunch box leftovers. They'd usually start fighting over something and usually one or both of their little brothers would be screaming or crying because I woke them from a nap to pick their sisters up from school. I'm trying to paint a picture of our car - and my mental state at school pickup - and I'm hoping that's coming together for you.
I'd ask the girls how their day was, usually in a not-so-friendly kind of annoyed tone. I'd get a "good" and nothing else. One day, on a whim, I said, "Tell me something kind you did today." It changed the tone in the car almost immediately. I asked again the next day, and then it stuck. I didn't remember to ask everyday. Sometimes we skipped it. Sometimes the girls came into the car beaming with excitement becauue they had something "kind" to share before I even asked.
Here's how this daily question changed our conversations:
1. It made for a positive way to discuss the day. We were in an after-school rut. It felt like a car of grumpy babies, toddlers, kids, and mom. This helped us feel a lot more positive in the car. For me, as tired as I was, hearing my girls cheerfully tell me simple things like, "I gave Sarah my glue stick when I saw hers ran out" made me feel more cheerful too.
2. It helped them comfortably bring up times when people were unkind. The first time I heard "Well, let me tell you about who wasn't kind today, Mom," I replied with a "This is about good things. Tell me good things that happened first." Then I thought about it: If the question about kindness helps them identify when people are unkind and helps them talk to me about it, that's actually a good thing. So if our daily kindness chat is a place that they are comfortable telling me when they felt sad at school, we'll go with that too.
3. It helped me explain how sometimes what we think is the right thing can actually be the wrong thing. For example, "Mom, I did something really kind today. I told Sarah that if she would just start believing in Jesus, then Santa would come to her house. Isn't that great?" While her intentions were good, that's obviously not okay. It gave me reason to explain different religions and how people have different beliefs is a wonderful thing, and not something we should try to change. Another example: "I was kind today when I screamed at Sarah for being mean to Jane and told her no one is ever going to play with her again because she is mean." Again, while sticking up for people is kind, there's a right and wrong way to do it. This is a great time to explain the difference. It's brought about many life lessons in an orgainc way, and that's been helpful for all of us.
4. It helped me plan for a better "next day." There were days that I got a very, very grumpy "I did nothing kind today," which is okay too. People aren't awesome and kind every day. We all have bad days sometimes. They need to know that it's normal to feel this way. Our daily kindness chat helped me know when they had a "not so great" day at school and gave me the opportunity to prep them to have a better day tomorrow.
5. It's a good way to raise kind people. Knowing your kid's grades and how they are doing academically is important, but I don't think it needs to be the first thing you ask after school. While it's tempting to ask "How much homework do you have?" or "What did you get on the spelling test?" focusing on kindness instead really made a positive difference for us. I want my kids to think that being a good person is going to make them more successful than anything else. By asking them how they were kind before inquiring about their academic performance, I hope they will begin to understand the importance of being a caring person.
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As parent-teacher conferences occur in a few weeks, feel free to ask your child's teacher about the social emotional skills your child is developing. The FIVE skill-building areas they are practicing during "BrainWise" lessons are:
Becoming more Self Aware of their thoughts, emotions, needs, strengths & challenges,
Being able to Self Regulate their thoughts,emotions, words, and actions,
Becoming more Socially Aware of other's feelings, needs, and perspectives,
Developing positive friendship & Relationship Skills (communication, kindness, &
conflict resolution, and
Learning the process for making Ethical Decisions.
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