"The truth about rage is that it only dissolves
when it is really heard and understood,
without reservation." ~ Carl Rogers
Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) shares a
Game Plan for when your child gets angry:
Many parents send an angry child to her room to "calm down." After all, what else can we do? We certainly can't reason with her when she is furious. It's no time to teach lessons or ask for an apology. But if we just send our angry child to his room, he will eventually calm down, but he will also have gotten some clear messages about anger:
~No one is listening to what's upsetting you,
~No one is going to help you solve the problem you're experiencing,
~You're being bad because you feel angry at us,
~Your anger scares us,
~When you're angry, the best thing to do is stuff those feelings.
What can we do instead of sending these messages? We can help our children learn to manage their anger responsibly. Most of us have a hard time picturing what that looks like. Quite simply, responsible anger management begins with accepting our anger -- but refraining from acting on it by lashing out at others. There's always a way to express what we need without attacking the other person.
This is one of the most critical tasks of childhood -- learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive (Lizard Brain) anger. People who can do this are able to work things out with others and manage themselves to achieve their goals. We call them emotionally intelligent. Children develop emotional intelligence when we teach them that all their feelings are okay, but they always have a choice about how they act. Here's how to do that.
When your child gets angry:
1. Keep yourself from moving into "fight or flight" by taking a few deep breaths and reminding yourself that there's no emergency. This models emotional regulation and helps your child feel safer, so she doesn't have to fight so hard.
2. Don't get hooked by rudeness and personal attacks. She feels hurt and scared and powerless, so she's pulling out the most upsetting thing she can think of, so you'll know how upset she is. Just say "Ouch! You must be so upset to say that to me. Tell me why you're upset. I'm listening."
3. Listen. Try to see it from his point of view. Often, when people don't feel heard, they escalate. By contrast, when your child feels understood, he'll begin to feel calmer -- even when he doesn't get his way.
4. Acknowledge the anger, and the additional emotions underneath it. The more compassionate you can be, the more likely your child will find his way to the tears and fears under the anger: "Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard...You're saying I never understand you.... that must feel so terrible and lonely." (Listen for hurt, sadness, embarrassment, fear and anxiety underneath the anger.)
5. Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe. "You're so mad! You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not okay, not matter how upset you are. You can stomp to show me how mad you are." (Doing something physically active will help release the surge of cortisol rushing through his body. Stomping, running, push-ups, jumping jacks -- rather than simulating punching-- will help disperse the angry energy that has to go somewhere.)
6. If your child is in full melt down, don't talk except to empathize and reassure her that she is safe. Don't try to teach, reason or explain. Just acknowledge how upset she is: "You are so upset about this.... I'm sorry it is so hard."
7. Remind yourself that intense anger is nature's way of helping immature brains let off steam. Children don't have the frontal cortex neural pathways to control themselves as we do. The best way to help children develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, while they're angry or upset. It's ok -- good, actually-- for your child to express those tangled, angry, hurt feelings. After we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting. They feel less wound-up inside. They aren't rigid and demanding.
8. Stay as close as you can. Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry. If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I'm keeping us both safe, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here. Whenever you are ready for a hug, I'm right here." If he yells at you to "Go away! say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back, ok? I wont leave you alone with these scary feelings, but I'm moving back."
9. Don't try to evaluate whether his is overreacting. Of course he's overreacting. When children get whiny and impossible to please, they usually just need to cry. (Validate what he is feeling instead of trying to minimize it and the tears may begin to flow.)
10. After he's calmed down, you can talk. Resist the urge to lecture. Tell a story to help him put his big wave of emotion in context. Most young children want to hear the story of how they got mad and cried, as long as it's a story, not a lecture. It helps them understand themselves, and makes them feel heard.
11. Create a teachable moment. Recognize that part of your child wants to make a better choice next time. Align with that part instead of using shame and blame. Give her a chance to practice a better solution to her problem:
"When we get really angry, like you were at your sister, we forget how much we love the other person. They look like they're our enemy. Right? You were so very mad at her. We all get mad like that and when we are very mad, we feel like hitting someone. But if we do, later we're sorry that we hurt someone. We wish we could have used our words. I wonder what else you could have said or done, instead of hitting and calling names?"
Gradually, your child will learn to verbalize his feelings and needs without attacking the other person -- even when he is furious. You will have taught him to manage his emotions. And you'll have strengthened, rather than eroded, your bond with him. All by taking a deep breath and staying compassionate in the face of rage. You won't always be able to pull this off. But every time you do, you'll be helping your child grow the neural pathways for a more emotionally intelligent brain.
No comments:
Post a Comment