Communicating when your Child isn't Listening

     

           In her parenting, Wendy Snyder (Fresh Start Family) has been trying to replace her “harsh, negative tone of voice with a neutral, problem solving, empathetic and encouraging tone.”  She swears that all the work to change her communication style has not only helped her daughter’s behavior improve dramatically, but it has also helped her feel more confident about the way she is raising her daughter.  And yet, she admits that it is easier to be a positive parent in theory than in real life.  Snyder offers these key phrases when your child isn’t listening to you:  (See if you notice the difference in your communication style and how it may be received.)

     

1.     “What do you need to remember?”    

        Take a break from:  “Be careful.”

Kids often ignore when parents use the same mantra over and over.  Instead, engage your child’s critical thinking skills by having them ponder the important precautions they should be aware of.  

      2.  “Please talk softly.”    

            Take a break from:  “Stop yelling!”  or “Be quiet!”

             For instance, show kids where they can go to be loud.  Utilize the whisper of your 

          voice in combo with a gentle touch and eye contact to get your children to listen.  “I 

          love your singing AND I need you to either go outside or in the other room to

          sing loudly.”

      3.   “Would you like to do it on your own or have me help you?”   

             Take a break from:  “I’ve asked you three times, do it now!”

             Most kids respond incredibly well to being empowered.  Give them a choice and their 

          critical thinking skills override their temptation to push back.  “It’s time to leave, would

          you like to put on your shoes by yourself, or have me help out?”

      4.  “What did you learn from this situation?”       

            Take a break from:  “You should know better.”

            Focus on motivating to change behavior for the future rather than shaming a child for

         their past, impulsive behavior.  

       5.  “Please ________.”               

            Take a break from:  “Don’t!” or “Stop it!”

            Negative communication isn’t perceived well and puts undue strain on relationships. 

         Instead, try asking for what you DO want.  “Please pet the dog gently,” or “Please put 

         your shoes in the closet.”

      6.  “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?”      

            Take a break from:  “Time to go… now!”

            Humans love to be in charge of their own destiny.  Give kids a choice and they’ll 

         respond better when you say, “Do you all want to leave now or play for 10 more

         minutes, and then leave?  Give preparation for or transition time between activities to

         get a more cooperative response from children. Then say,  “Okay, 10 minutes is up, 

         time to go.”  

     7.   “Stop, take a few breaths, now ask for what you want.”  
           Take a break from:  “Stop whining.”

            Instead say,  “Let’s stop, breathe together, now try again to ask for what you want.” 
         Keep repeating this calmly while breathing with your child, till they can self-calm and 
         change the way they are talking.

      8.  “Respect yourself and others.”         
           Take a break from:  “Be good.”

           Be specific because kids often don’t absorb the general statements we throw at them. 
        “Remember to respect yourself and others when you’re playing with your friends 
         today.”  Ask for what you want and have them restate what is important to remember.  

    10.  “Use your teamwork skills.”      
           Take a break from:  “Don’t be so bossy!”  

           Become a coach of your child and teach them how good leaders lead with integrity -- 
         asking instead of commanding, showing instead of telling, and taking turns so 
         everyone has a chance to lead.  “You’re a great leader. Remember to use your
         teamwork skills today. Try to ask your friends questions, instead of telling them what to
         do.”

    11. “I need you to ____.”         
            Take a break from:  “It’s NOT okay to ____.”

            I-statements come across very differently from you- statements.  Kids respond much
         better when we communicate in non- accusatory ways that start with “you” or when we
         frame requests in the positive.  

    12.  “It’s okay to cry.”                
            Take a break from:  “Don’t be a baby.”

           “It’s okay that you feel sad, I’ll be over here if you need me.  I know you can find a way 
          to take care of yourself, so you feel better.”  Kids respond well when we don’t
          pressure them to “get over their feelings” or try to force them to stop freaking out. 
          Empower and teach kids they are capable of moving through the feeling on their 
          own.  

    13.  “I’ll stop, breathe and wait for you to finish.”      
           Take a break from:  “Just let me do it.”

           Many times, it’s us parents who need to chill.  Slow down and let your child try to do 
         things themselves.  Be okay with a lumpy bed sometimes or shoes on the wrong foot. 
         The goal is to let kids try, fail, try again and anchor feelings of capacity -- so they don’t 
         always depend on us to do everything.

    14.  “I love you no matter what.”       
           Take a break from:  “No one wants to be with you when you act like that.”

           Unconditional love is at the core of Positive Parenting.  “I love you no matter what 
         behavior you have AND I’d like you to ask your brother for the game next time, instead
         of grabbing it.”   Feeding this truth to our children pours into their need to belong. 
         When kids’ basic needs are met, they misbehave less.

    15.  “I’m not okay with ________ -yet.”     
            Take a break from:  “You’re too young to do that.”

            When we own our fears and worries, our kids respond and respect our limits a lot 
         better. “I’m not okay with you walking on top of that brick wall because I’m scared 
         you’ll fall and hurt yourself.”   Kids often feel like they are old enough, strong enough,
         wise enough and capable enough to do big things… but it’s us that isn’t ready to take 
         the risk yet. Communicate what you are feeling to your kids using the word “I”, and 
         they will push back less.

   16.  “I believe in you and am here to support you.” 
          Take a break from:  “I’ll take care of this.”

          It’s important that we set our kids up for success in the world to take care of 
        themselves, solve their own problems and have confidence that they are capable.  “I 
        can see how this is tough for you and I believe in you to get through this. I’m here to
        support you if you need ideas.”

   17.  “How are you feeling?”   
          Take a break from:  “Calm down, you don’t need to get so upset.”

          Helping kids identify their emotions and communicate them effectively is an important 
        part of positive parenting.  “I can see you’re upset, what are you feeling?”

     Some of the key communication strategies that Snyder has summarized from Rudolph Dreikurs’ Positive Parenting approach are --  Give Choices, Identify Emotions, Reframe negatives into Positives, Encourage Critical Thinking and Reflection, Take time for Transitions, Meet basic Human Needs,  Provide Specific Requests, Be Patient, Coach Skill-building, and Love Unconditionally!   💕💕💕

Creating the Village: Mountain Strong Families focus on Communication Strategies

     

     You could hear a collective sigh of relief among parents as they watched a hypothetical exchange portrayed between a parent and child.  It was as if we were all peering into the living room window of our own mountain home.  We could easily relate to the intermittent tension that unfolds as homework, dinner, chores, sibling interactions or bedtime routines become peppered with challenges.  Every parent in the room was thinking about their own household, their own children, and the personal stress they carry as they strive to be responsible, loving parents. 

    TEENS, Inc., in partnership with Nederland Elementary and NMSHS, has hosted the Mountain Strong Families Series this year.  A dozen local counselors have contributed to this free parenting series-- offering their wisdom and support for mountain families.  On February 12^th, three counselors collaborated in “The Art of Communicating with your Family” workshop.  It was held in the cozy Kiva room at Nederland Elementary school after families enjoyed a free community dinner.  “It’s like a night out for me,” said one mom with a twinkle in her eye. 

     “It’s wonderful to be with other parents,” admitted one dad.  “My wife and I often feel like we’re doing everything wrong.”   But at the Mountain Strong Families Series, “all the parents can relate to what we are going through.”  On this particular night, counselors (Camilla Dye from New Growth Therapy.net, Kimberly Bryant from RootsFamilyHealing.com, and Carrie Evans from TameYourRhino.com) discussed helpful communication tips for growing a healthy family.

Counselors Camilla Dye, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly Bryant (left to right)

     Based on the book THE WHOLE BRAIN CHILD, Carrie Evans (who works with children of all ages) coached parents to check in with their own feelings and needs when they were being triggered by their child.  “Put your agenda to the side for the moment, slow your breathing when you notice your body tensing up, and remember the acronym P.A.C.E.  Once you’ve done something to lower the intensity of your emotions, notice your child,” Evans insisted.  The letters in P.A.C.E. should “remind you to respond with Patience (pause, go slow), Acceptance of their big feelings, Curiosity about what is going on with them, and then an expression of Empathy for their feelings and needs.”  The group learned that when the emotional part of our own brain is regulated, our children are better able to mirror openness to us as they regulate the intensity of their emotions.  Our grounded presence to their emotions and needs can completely shift the dynamic in a family interchange. 

     Kimberly Bryant, shared a 10-point Emotion Scale with parents.  Bryant noted that when the intensity of our emotional reaction is up in the red zone (8 -10), our rational brain is completely incapable of thinking clearly, creatively and compassionately.  And yet, “most of us are walking around, operating at between levels 4 to 7 in the cautionary yellow zone of the scale.  This yellow zone indicates it is a good time to explore ways to calm oneself before engaging with others,” said Bryant after explaining how our amygdala is often on high alert waiting to quickly react to our child’s misbehavior. 

     Bryant, a family counselor, then illustrated the power of reflective listening skills and assertive I-feel messages for parents.  “These tools are the elixir for healthy relationships,” emphasized Bryant.  She then encouraged us parents to “seek to understand your child before being understood”.  Listen for the child’s hidden emotions and unmet needs buried beneath their behavior and intense words.  Name these feelings and needs for the child and they will feel understood.  For example: “You seem really _______ (frustrated, hurt, worried?) right now.  I get it, it’s hard when you’re asked to stop what you’re doing in the middle of a fun game.”   This is the essence of reflective listening.

     Once your child feels understood, it is easier to assert your own feelings, needs, and requests.  “Mom is feeling stressed tonight and needs to get to bed early.  I know you’d like to keep playing, but I really need your help to get the dishes done before bedtime.   Can you please wrap up what you are doing in the next five minutes and join me in the kitchen?”  These communication approaches are in stark contrast to the parental responses that are rooted in our heightened amygdala—i.e. “I’ve told you five times to get in the kitchen and load the dishwasher.  I’m tired of being ignored.”  Our words, intensity, tone of voice, gestures and body language can merely trigger a defensive reaction from our child or cause them to shut down.  Or, if carefully stated, can serve to help them feel understood and better able to entertain what we are bringing to the conversation.

     Camilla Dye, a couple’s counselor, introduced another consideration to the conversation about communicating with your family.   Dye helped parents reflect on the health of their adult relationships and what these interactions are communicating to their children.  Research indicates that when adults have positive communication and relational styles among themselves, their children grow to display and expect healthy relational dynamics.  Dye asked parents to consider how their division of labor, gender roles, displays of affection, attention to partner time and intimacy, and the waging of adult conflict occur in their home?  Each of these issues sends a strong message to children about creating balanced lives and healthy relationships.

     “Make a list of what you appreciate about your partner (or close adult friends),” said Dye.  Then make sure to begin with sharing an appreciation before you give any constructive criticism or ask for a change from your partner.”  Balancing positive messages with criticism can make all the difference in how your request is received.  The “5- to- 1” rule also applies to children.  Children need five positive comments made about them to balance their sense of self for every criticism they receive.   Bryant also added, “children can only process seven sentences at a time.”   She encouraged parents to “listen more and talk less” as we seek to connect with our beloved children.

     “I really liked this presentation.  It dealt with real life and how to cope with it,” said one mom.  Parents came looking for suggestions, comradery, validation and tools so they could go back and create more love and fulfillment in their relationships.  They left with full bellies, knowing they have a group of accepting friends, as well as some new ideas about how to connect with their family.  The next Mountain Strong Families presentation will be on March 12^th:  RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICTS – An Introduction to Restorative Parenting.

Communicating when you're Angry

     
   

     Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting, offers some ideas for parents when they feel triggered by their children's behavior.  Her advice mirrors what children were learning about anger management and assertive communication skills in their BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lessons this month.  

      Emotions are processed in our brains 200 -500 times faster than our thoughts.  So it is natural that our first reaction to everything is an emotional one.  It takes longer for us to think of a thoughtful, assertive response when we our amygdala is triggered.  Eanes writes:

     In addition, many of us didn’t learn how to effectively manage our emotions in childhood. We learned how to handle emotions by how we saw our parents handle emotions. When we tried out their tactics, we were swiftly punished, and so many of us quickly learned to stuff our emotions to avoid punishment or we acted them out in less than desirable ways. As adults, we may simply repeat the patterns we saw growing up, only now we have the authority.  Adding to the problem is our exhaustion, busyness, and lack of a village. We are spreading ourselves too thin, and with enough repeated stress, we snap. To end this cycle, we really must learn to manage our emotions, so our children can learn to manage their own emotions well.  

     (When our anger is triggered by our child's behavior, we have three choices -- stuff it in a passive manner, unleash it loudly and aggressively, or learn ways to assertively share how we are feeling and what you need without dumping on our child.)  

Taking Ownership of Your Emotions and Actions

     Do you take ownership for your feelings and actions, or do you blame them on someone else? I used to blame my feelings on my kids all the time. When parents say, “You’re making me so angry!” they’re admitting that they don’t have control over their own feelings and actions. The child has control. This is a double-edged sword. First, this makes children feel responsible for our emotions, and that’s a big burden to bear for a child. Second, it teaches them to play the blame game and not take ownership of their emotions and behaviors as well.” Does “she made me do it” or “he made me so mad” sound familiar?

     Instead of saying “You’re making me so angry,” try naming your emotions and identifying your needs:  “I’m feeling angry right now.  I need to take a break before we talk about what just happened.”   Don’t blame your feelings on anyone else; they are your own. Your children are not responsible for your triggers. You are responsible for understanding why you have the trigger and disabling it.  Just by bringing awareness to the things that cause you to feel angry, you take away some of its power. Students are learning to identify their inner words knowing that unmet needs create our uncomfortable and angry emotions.

    Next, work on reframing the negative or judgmental thoughts that accompany your trigger. For example, if you often think “My kid is such a crybaby! He whines about everything!” then those words will fuel your negative emotions. However, if you consciously choose to replace that with a more positive or accurate thought, then the anger has space to dissipate. Try “My child is having a hard time and needs my help.” With consistency, you’ll begin to automatically think gentler thoughts, and your responses will be more positive.

Tips for Dealing with Anger in the Moment
1. Do something physical, like 10 push-ups or a few jumping jacks. Splash cold water on your face or step outside for some fresh air.  (Exercise releases angry tension in the body and a drink of water dilutes the rush of cortisol through your body).  

2. If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice. Don’t worry about looking silly to your kids. It’s better to look silly than scary.

3. Choose a positive mantra that you can repeat in times of stress. “I’m capable of remaining calm” or “I’ve got this” repeated often and out loud will help you calm down.

4. Take deep breaths in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and release for a count of 8. Repeat 4 times.

5. Pretend you are being recorded. Yes, I’m serious! If you knew they were going to show this situation on national television, you’d keep yourself in check!

Why It’s Worth the Effort

     If almost every parent yells, what’s the big deal? Rebecca Eanes looks to research for her response -- To a child, raising your voice can feel like a smack across the face.  In fact, one study found that yelling is as harmful as hitting. According to Dr. Kristen Race of The Mindful Life, “Yelling activates the structures of the limbic system that regulate ‘fight or flight’ reactions. Repeated activation to these areas tells the brain that the child's environment is not safe.”  To put it bluntly, yelling at our children negatively affects their brains and keeps them in the fight or flight mode of the Lizard Brain. We cannot see the damage inflicted, but deep inside the brain, neural structures are being affected. In addition, frequent yelling erodes the parent-child relationship which is so important for healthy growth.

Try the 5 tips above consistently, and you'll be successful at being the calm parent you want to be!   
      For more help with communication skills, join us Tuesday, Feb 12th for The Art of Communicating with your Family (5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School).

Parenting an Angry Child

    "The truth about rage is that it only dissolves when it is really heard and understood, without reservation."  - Carl Rogers

     Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) shares a Game Plan for when your child gets angry:

     Many parents send an angry child to her room to "calm down."  After all, what else can we do?  We certainly can't reason with her when she is furious.  It's no time to teach lessons or ask for an apology.  But if we just send our angry child to his room, he will eventually calm down, but he will also have gotten some clear messages about anger:
     *No one is listening to what's upsetting you.
     *No one is going to help you solve the problem you're experiencing.
     *You're being bad because you feel angry at us.
     *Your anger scares us.
     *When you're angry, the best thing to do is stuff those feelings.

     What can we do instead?   We can help our children learn to manage their anger responsibly.  Most of us have a hard time picturing what that looks like.  Quite simply, responsible anger management begins with accepting our anger -- but refraining from acting on it by lashing out at others.  There's always a way to express what we need without attacking the other person.

     This is one of the most critical tasks of childhood -- learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive (Lizard Brain) anger.  People who can do this are able to work things out with others and manage themselves to achieve their goals.  We call them emotionally intelligent.  Children develop emotional intelligence when we teach them that all their feelings are okay, but they always have a choice about how they act.  Here's how to do that.

     When your child gets angry:
1.  Keep yourself from moving into "fight or flight" by taking a few deep breaths and reminding yourself that there's no emergency.  This models emotional regulation and helps your child feel safer, so she doesn't have to fight so hard.

2.  Don't get hooked by rudeness and personal attacks.  She feels hurt and scared and powerless, so she's pulling out the most upsetting thing she can think of, so you'll know how upset she is.  Just say "Ouch!   You must be so upset to say that to me.  Tell me why you're upset.  I'm listening."

3.  Listen.  Try to see it from his point of view.  Often, when people don't feel heard, they escalate.  By contrast, when your child feels understood, he'll begin to feel calmer-- even when he doesn't get his way.

4.  Acknowledge the anger, and the additional emotions underneath it.  The more compassionate you can be, the more likely your child will find his way to the tears and fears under the anger:  "Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry this is so hard... You're saying I never understand you.... that must feel so terrible and lonely."  (Listen for hurt, sadness, embarrassment, fear and anxiety underneath the anger).

5.  Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe.  "You're so mad!   You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not okay, no matter how upset you are.  You can stomp to show me how mad you are."  (Doing something physically active will help release the surge of cortisol rushing through his body.  Stomping, running, push ups, jumping jacks -- rather than simulating punching-- will help disperse the angry energy that has to go somewhere.)

6.  If your child is in full melt down, don't talk except to empathize and reassure her that she is safe.  Don't try to teach, reason or explain.  Just acknowledge how upset she is:  "You are so upset about this.... I'm sorry it is so hard."

7.  Remind yourself that intense anger is nature's way of helping immature brains let off steam.  Children don't have the frontal cortex neural pathways to control themselves as we do.  The best way to help children develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, while they're angry or upset.  It's ok -- good, actually -- for your child to express those tangled, angry, hurt feelings.  After we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting.  They feel less wound-up inside.  They aren't rigid and demanding.

9.  Stay as close as you can.  Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry.  If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I'm keeping us both safe, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here.  Whenever you are ready for a hug, I'm right here."  If he yells at you to "Go away!" say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back, ok?  I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings, but I'm moving back."

10.  Don't try to evaluate whether he is overreacting.  Of course he's over-reacting.  When children get whiny and impossible to please, they usually just need to cry.  (Validate what he is feeling instead of trying to minimize it and the tears may begin to flow.)

11.  After he's calmed down, you can talk.  Resist the urge to lecture.  Tell a story to help him put his big wave of emotion in context.  Most young children want to hear the story of how they got mad and cried, as long as it's a story, not a lecture.   It helps them understand themselves, and makes them feel heard.

12.  Create a teachable moment.  Recognize that part of her wants to make a better choice next time.  Align with that part instead of using shame and blame.  Give her a chance to practice a better solution to her problem:
     "When we get really angry, like you were at your sister, we forget how much we love the other person.  They look like they're our enemy.  Right?   You were so very mad at her.  We all get mad like that and when we are very mad, we feel like hitting someone.  But if we do, later we're sorry that we hurt someone.  We wish we could have used our words.  I wonder what else you could have said or done, instead of hitting and calling names?"

     Gradually, your child will learn to verbalize his feelings and needs without attacking the other person-- even when he is furious.  You will have taught him to manage his emotions.  And you'll have strengthened, rather than eroded, your bond with him.   All by taking a deep breath and staying compassionate in the face of rage.  You won't always be able to pull this off.  But every time you do, you'll be helping your child grow the neural pathways for a more emotionally intelligent brain.