"You will always be your child's favorite toy." ~ Vicki Lansky
The average number of toys owned by children in the United States is 150. Our winter holidays feed into the fantasy that material things give our children what they need. But the dopamine lift from ripping open a pile of gifts is temporary. According to Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com), happiness and contentment comes from "connection, meaning and contribution", not things. So over winter break, try to "put the focus back on the love between you and your child by finding special ways to connect with them." Markham recommends the following suggestions (most of which cost very little in terms of money):
1. GIVE THE GIFT OF YOUR TIME. In one study, children were asked what they liked best about their vacations. It was the simple connection time with parents, when the parent was able to relax and enjoy the child without being stressed. Over and over, children said things like "Lying on the blanket with my Dad, looking at the stars together." Focused time with loving adults provides lasting (not temporary) pleasure, from the anticipation to the loving connection to the savoring afterwards. Add to the excitement of simple pleasures by creating gift certificates for activities with you and then wrap them up.
- Breakfast in bed together
- Dad's best foot massage
- Paint your room with mom
- Ice skating or hockey session with dad
- Banana split party with a parent
- Choose the movie for family movie night
3. CREATE PHOTO MEMORIES. Instead of taking a photo of your child on a bearded stranger's lap reciting lists of material items he covets, take photos of the two of you together -- making holiday presents, decorating for the holiday, baking treats for his class party, dressing up in your winter pajamas. Create a scrap book of photos together that capture the festivities in your home and neighborhood. Don't be surprised if your little one asks to look at this book over and over, or reads it to comfort himself.
4. FALL ASLEEP together IN FRONT of YOUR TREE (if you have one) in sleeping bags. Have a slumber party, one child at a time. Reads stories by candlelight. This might become your child's favorite holiday memory.
5. START A BLESSING BOWL, in which everyone writes down things your family members are grateful for, from your year. One evening towards the end of the year, make popcorn, snuggle up together, and go through the bowl. Talk about the memories. Savor the feeling of emotional abundance that makes us feel grateful. Remember how blessed you are to have each other.
There's nothing wrong with exchanging presents to express your delight in each other. But why not keep the focus on connection and meaning, which fills your child inside in a way that objects never do. What children NEED more than anything is our Presence, more than presents.
Nicole Schwartz (imperfectfamilies.com) says "I feel like there should be a warning for all parents around mid-November that reads: Caution. Self-regulation may be limited" over the holidays. There is a lot of excitement and big emotions to manage this time of year. Unfortunately, kids are at a disadvantage. Their brains are still in the process of learning how to self-regulate. Knowing how to stay cool and calm when under pressure and overstimulated is slowly developed as children age. This learning curve may mean big meltdowns, overwhelming anxiety, an overabundance of energy, and an increase in power struggles over winter break.
"Before you threaten to take away presents or tell them Santa isn't coming unless they shape up," Schwartz cautions, consider these three things:
Be mindful of your child's needs. What does your child need to manage their big feelings or actions well? Maybe it means letting them be more rambunctious during the day or letting them run outside before a big gathering. Maybe it's limiting sweets. Maybe it's preparing them in advance for the holiday party. Maybe letting them have some say in what they wear to the event. Maybe it's practicing some things they can say to Great-Aunt Mary, who they only see once a year. Maybe it's insuring they get plenty of sleep.
Increase your connection. How can you spend some special time together in the midst of chaos? Maybe it's spending 10 minutes playing a game before leaving for an event. Maybe it's giving a few extra hugs throughout the day. Maybe it's prioritizing bedtime snuggles. Maybe it's singing silly holiday songs and dancing in the kitchen. Maybe it's doing a random act of kindness together.
Give them a little more patience. What do you need to help your child through this exciting time of year? Maybe it's lowering your expectations. Maybe it's asking for help. Maybe it's saying "no" when you cannot take on another task. Maybe it's carving out 5-10 minutes to do some self-care. Maybe it's giving yourself permission to simplify your holiday traditions.
The answers will be different for each person. "It may seem counterproductive to play with your child when they are bouncing off the wall with uninhibited excitement or to offer a snuggle when your child is refusing to put on their fancy dress. It can feel like you're giving attention to the wrong things," says Schwartz. But "instead of expecting your kids to step up and be more self-regulated in a stressful, overstimulating environment, let's be more available to them. Let's meet the needs they don't know they have" ~ the needs hidden under their dysregulated behavior.
Let's create meaningful holiday memories and the understanding that our developing children will need us to serve as their soothing Wizard Brain when our cultural traditions ramp up. Enjoy!
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