Restorative Parenting in Nederland

    

Nederland's Mountain Strong Families enjoy dinner and learning together

     “It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone,” said one mother. “I’m not the only one who struggles” with a fair amount of family conflict, sibling squabbles, angry power struggles and hurt feelings in my household.  And yet, she reflected after the fourth Mountain Strong Families presentation, “there are answers.”   Parents gathered at Nederland Elementary School on Tuesday night to hear Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, two practitioners from the Center for Prevention and Restorative Justice at the Boulder County District Attorney’s office, explore conflicts and challenging behavior.  TEENS, Inc has taken the lead in hosting these informative and supportive parenting presentations in our community over the last several years and will continue the Series next year. 

    Many parents agreed with one father who said he attended Resolving Family Conflicts; An Introduction to Restorative Parenting in order to create a healthier home life than the one he had grown up with.  Parents were encouraged to consider a paradigm shift when addressing their child’s challenging behaviors.  Siffing contrasted a restorative approach with the two styles of discipline most of us are familiar with – the shaming and controlling nature of a punitive style and the warm but boundary-less approach offered by a permissive style.  In contrast, Restorative Parenting seeks to combine the setting of strong boundaries with a positive nurturing relationship and skill-building. 

     There is a long history of cultures utilizing a restorative approach to misbehavior and crime dating back to various Native American traditions.  So, it was fitting that parents gathered in Nederland Elementary School’s “Kiva” – a room designed from our Colorado native heritage to host problem-solving conversations between the community.  Restorative Practices has  become a growing national trend in school settings and throughout the criminal justice system.  Its main focus is on repairing the relationships that have been harmed, holding folks accountable, and reintegrating transgressors back into the community.  The philosophy is just as helpful for parents, families, and educators.

     When parents are triggered by their child’s behavior, we are operating from our reptilian brain and want to snap at and judge our child’s choices, said Siffing.  Restorative practices interrupts this typical cycle of conflict:  where the child doesn’t listen => the parent doesn’t feel heard => the parent doesn’t listen => the child doesn’t feel heard => and round and round the argument goes.  

     THE FIRST STEP in interrupting this ineffective conflict cycle is to utilize needs-based communication.  When there is misbehavior or conflict, a Restorative parent diffuses the situation by figuring out the basic human needs and emotions underlying the problematic behavior.  By listening attentively and validating the child’s feelings through re-framing and summarizing, the parent demonstrates they understand the child’s needs.  For instance, when the child says:  “You’re so mean.  You never let me do anything I want,”   the parent considers the feelings of being hurt or resentful and the need for independence or empowerment.  The parent’s thoughtful (wizard brain) response could be: “It sounds like you really want to do this on your own.  You seem frustrated because it feels to you like I’m getting in the way of that.”  Reflective listening helps diffuse the intense emotion experienced by the child.

    SECONDLY, Taylor-Russell encouraged parents to share their own feelings, needs, concerns, and values with their child.  Try to “honestly own what you are bringing to the conflict” by sharing emotion words and your needs rather than utilizing evaluative, judgmental words to blame the child for what is happening inside of you.  (Instead of saying “I feel betrayed”, try communicating “I feel disappointed because I need honesty from you.”)  Marshall Rosenburg, author of Nonviolent Communication, provides great tools to help parents utilize I-statements and Reflective Listening skills.  Sign up for weekly Nonviolent Communication tips at:  https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/parenting_tips/index.htm 

     Along with nonviolent communication, Taylor Russell prodded parents to let everyone take time to cool down in the midst of a conflict to soothe their Lizard brains.  Once everyone has felt understood and validated, she suggested setting a time to reconvene and discuss the situation further so that problem-solving can occur later.   It may be helpful to have a refocusing area in your home where your child can comfortably go to soothe their big feelings and reflect.  This serves as a self-care station rather than a punitive “time out” chair. 

     Taylor Russell shared a THIRD strategy for creating a restorative climate at home.  “You’ve got to make it okay for everyone to make mistakes and accept responsibility.”  Too many kids think they have to be perfect and are afraid to be accountable for what they did for fear of punishment.  “At family dinner time, my partner and I often share how we each messed up that day and how we tried to repair the situation.  We try to model taking responsibility for our own missteps.”  Repair and accountability are stressed over shame and punishment for mistakes. 

     A FOURTH tradition was offered to teach kids effective problem-solving routines when there are conflicts.  Taylor Russell utilizes a circle process or weekly Family Meeting to discuss issues and problems, create expectations, and make family agreements.  This creates a restorative climate and allows family members to cool down before problem-solving.   It is impossible to be logical or creative when emotions are high.  Circling back once a week to reflect on what has happened and repair any harm is a positive routine to foster. 

Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, presenters

     FINALLY, Siffing and Taylor Russell demonstrated how to have a Restorative Conversation with a child.  They waltzed through three key questions in a lively interchange– 

     a.  “What happened from your perspective?”  (The parent helps the child reflect on the their thoughts, feelings and needs with summarizing statements like:  It sounds like you felt ____ because _____. ) 

     b.  “Who was affected or impacted by this situation?”  (Parents help the child explore how they were personally affected and who else was impacted or hurt by their actions.)  

     c.  Thirdly, “What do you need to do to make things right?”  When all threats of punishment are removed from the conversation, the child is more willing to be responsible for their actions.  The parent helps the child consider “If you were ___, what do you think you would need to make things better?"   The parent then checks back in later to see how the restorative gestures went. 

    This Mountain Strong Families presentation merely whet the appetite of parents wanting to help their children develop strong social emotional skills.  “I’m going to have to study these handouts to really learn all this,” said one mom.   Another mother thanked the educators at Nederland Elementary School for teaching these skills to her young children.  “My younger kids are so much better at expressing their feelings and needs than my older child who didn’t learn this."  Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices Coordinator at TEENS, Inc, supports Nederland Elementary School as the educators there work to adopt a more restorative approach to discipline. 

   Two more Mountain Strong Families -sponsored events will occur in April:

   On April 3^rd, from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Middle Senior High School, parents consider how to have effective conversations with their children about vaping, alcohol and drug use.  RSVP for the SPEAK NOW! event to kari.green@bvsd.org  FYI:  Parents are the number one reason kids don't drink or use drugs.  

     On April 18, experience a lively workshop to “Turn Anxiety into your Superpower” with Avani Dilger and a panel of youth from 6 -8 pm at the Nederland Community Center.  Parents are encouraged to attend together with their teenager.    

     For more information about the Mountain Strong Families Series, contact ann@teensinc.org     

    

25 Things that Impact your Child's Behavior

     

     Students at NES are learning to distinguish between their NEEDS and their WANTS.  “Wants” are specific requests for something we think will address one of our unmet needs.  But the reason we ask for specific things is because of our “why?” All humans are trying to meet an assortment of basic human needs.  When we don’t get them met, we have strong emotions. It is helpful to look at the five categories of human need identified by Abraham Maslow since they influence our behavior and emotions every day:

Physical Needs-- food, water, warmth, shelter, rest, sleep, exercise, touch

Need for Safety-- predictability, order, security, reassurance, trust, loyalty, harmony, peace

Social Needs-- acceptance, affirmation, cooperation, nurturance, belonging, connection, inclusion, communication, community

Need for Power and Mastery-- achievement, competence, acknowledgement, participation, empowerment, equality, fairness

Self-Actualization Needs-- celebration, self-expression, creativity, meaning, purpose, inspiration

    Think about how your daily existence and mood are affected when any of these needs are unmet.  One local counselor suggests that parents utilize the acronym H.A.L.T. when trying to understand what is going on with your child.  Ask yourself: “Are they
Hungry/hangry? Anxious? Lonely? or Tired?” when they exhibit big emotions or make behavioral choices that upset you.     

    When any basic human need is unmet, it creates uncomfortable feelings in us.   If any of your child’s behavior is baffling or difficult to address, ask yourself if any of the following factors may be contributing to it, says Nicole Schwartz from
imperfectfamilies.com.  Here is her list to get you thinking:

1. Sleep
2. Hunger
3. Thirst
4. Overstimulation
5. Understimulation
6. Big life changes (moving, starting a new school, death of a loved one, separation or divorce)
7. Diet
8. Allergies and food intolerances
9. Learning challenges
10. Processing speed
11. Learning style
12. Friendships
13. Feeling unsafe
14. Vision and hearing problems
15. Medical conditions
16. Mental health diagnoses
17. Activity level
18. Screen time
19. Fears and worries
20. Lack of routine, structure, or clear understanding of what comes next
21. Difficulty reading social cues
22. Insecurities and shame
23. Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
24. Temperament and personality type
25. Developmental stage

     It is clear from this list that our physical needs, the need for stability and security, the need to belong and be accepted for who we are, the need to demonstrate competence, and other basic human needs identified by Maslow, can be causing big emotions and challenging behavior in our children.  When we focus on meeting their needs & empathizing with a child’s feelings, we begin to address the root causes of the behavior and realize effective solutions to the challenges of the day.

Five Questions to Ask When Your Child Acts Out

     

      Nicole Schwartz ( imperfectfamilies.com) offers Five Important Questions to Ask when your child is acting out.  These questions tie in nicely with the communication and self-regulation skills students are learning in their Social Emotional Learning classes at Nederland Elementary School.  Students are asked to think about their emotions and the underlying needs they are trying to meet.  When humans have unmet needs, we then experience and express uncomfortable feelings.  Sometimes, we parents forget to look for those clues behind the unwanted behaviors.  As a parent coach, Schwartz writes --

     Let's be honest.  In the middle of a meltdown, my first question is:  "How do I get them to calm down?"   In the middle of a disagreement, my goal is:  "How do I get them to agree with me?"  In the middle of an argument, I plead:  "How do I make this stop?"   And if we're being totally honest.... we know that these are the wrong questions.

    When we start with these questions, we see our kids as the problem.  We put ourselves on the defense and we usually aren't focused on connection and empathy.  But, there is truth at the heart of these questions.  We want to know how to help our child work through their big feelings.  We want to have proactive and positive conversations.  And, we want to feel confident and in control.  It can happen!   But first, we need to explore a few alternative questions.

     1.  What's triggering me about this situation?  There's a reason you feel upset in the heat of the moment.  Maybe you're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, tired  (what are your needs right now?)  Maybe you feel pressured, undermined, or embarrassed.  Maybe it reminds you of something from your childhood.  The more honest you can be answering this question, the better you will be at creating a solution to help you stay (or return to) calm.  

     2. What role do I play?  Interactions with your kids are like a dance.  Your child says something, you respond.  You say something, your child responds.  Being curious about this "dance" can help you see how your words, body language, and actions impact the situation.  It also may help you understand what your child may gain from engaging in this "dance" with you.  

     3. What need(s) is my child's behavior expressing?  Every behavior has a purpose.  Your child may not consciously be thinking through their actions, it may be an unconscious act to fill a need.  Maybe they need attention from you or connection to you.  Maybe they are feeling powerless or need more opportunities to have their own choices.  Stepping back from the situation may help you explore these underlying needs.

     4.  What else is impacting their behavior?  Even though behavior may seem to "come out of nowhere," when you take time to be curious, you may identify a number of things that led to the tantrum or argument.  Things like feeling overstimulated, tired, hungry, having difficulty with transitions, or feeling jealous of a sibling, can all impact behavior.  Here are a list of needs to explore.

     5.  What skill(s) does my child need to learn?  Sometimes, behavior happens because your child is lacking the knowledge or ability to do things differently.  Rather than expecting them to just "miraculously" discover these abilities, you may need to go back to square one, teaching them these basics, clarifying the steps, role-playing a conversation, or taking the time to practice a new skill together.  

     These questions are just a starting point.  Give yourself time and space to think through these questions.  Don't rush to solve the problem, impose a consequence, or try to get your child to settle down immediately.  

    Breathe.  Be patient.  Gaining clarity about the situation will help you respond in a positive, respectful way.  

     For more strategies to use in the midst of family conflicts and challenging behaviors, join parents on March 12th for an Introduction to Restorative Parenting from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School (free dinner and childcare provided when you RSVP at 720-561-4861).  

Communicating when your Child isn't Listening

     

           In her parenting, Wendy Snyder (Fresh Start Family) has been trying to replace her “harsh, negative tone of voice with a neutral, problem solving, empathetic and encouraging tone.”  She swears that all the work to change her communication style has not only helped her daughter’s behavior improve dramatically, but it has also helped her feel more confident about the way she is raising her daughter.  And yet, she admits that it is easier to be a positive parent in theory than in real life.  Snyder offers these key phrases when your child isn’t listening to you:  (See if you notice the difference in your communication style and how it may be received.)

     

1.     “What do you need to remember?”    

        Take a break from:  “Be careful.”

Kids often ignore when parents use the same mantra over and over.  Instead, engage your child’s critical thinking skills by having them ponder the important precautions they should be aware of.  

      2.  “Please talk softly.”    

            Take a break from:  “Stop yelling!”  or “Be quiet!”

             For instance, show kids where they can go to be loud.  Utilize the whisper of your 

          voice in combo with a gentle touch and eye contact to get your children to listen.  “I 

          love your singing AND I need you to either go outside or in the other room to

          sing loudly.”

      3.   “Would you like to do it on your own or have me help you?”   

             Take a break from:  “I’ve asked you three times, do it now!”

             Most kids respond incredibly well to being empowered.  Give them a choice and their 

          critical thinking skills override their temptation to push back.  “It’s time to leave, would

          you like to put on your shoes by yourself, or have me help out?”

      4.  “What did you learn from this situation?”       

            Take a break from:  “You should know better.”

            Focus on motivating to change behavior for the future rather than shaming a child for

         their past, impulsive behavior.  

       5.  “Please ________.”               

            Take a break from:  “Don’t!” or “Stop it!”

            Negative communication isn’t perceived well and puts undue strain on relationships. 

         Instead, try asking for what you DO want.  “Please pet the dog gently,” or “Please put 

         your shoes in the closet.”

      6.  “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?”      

            Take a break from:  “Time to go… now!”

            Humans love to be in charge of their own destiny.  Give kids a choice and they’ll 

         respond better when you say, “Do you all want to leave now or play for 10 more

         minutes, and then leave?  Give preparation for or transition time between activities to

         get a more cooperative response from children. Then say,  “Okay, 10 minutes is up, 

         time to go.”  

     7.   “Stop, take a few breaths, now ask for what you want.”  
           Take a break from:  “Stop whining.”

            Instead say,  “Let’s stop, breathe together, now try again to ask for what you want.” 
         Keep repeating this calmly while breathing with your child, till they can self-calm and 
         change the way they are talking.

      8.  “Respect yourself and others.”         
           Take a break from:  “Be good.”

           Be specific because kids often don’t absorb the general statements we throw at them. 
        “Remember to respect yourself and others when you’re playing with your friends 
         today.”  Ask for what you want and have them restate what is important to remember.  

    10.  “Use your teamwork skills.”      
           Take a break from:  “Don’t be so bossy!”  

           Become a coach of your child and teach them how good leaders lead with integrity -- 
         asking instead of commanding, showing instead of telling, and taking turns so 
         everyone has a chance to lead.  “You’re a great leader. Remember to use your
         teamwork skills today. Try to ask your friends questions, instead of telling them what to
         do.”

    11. “I need you to ____.”         
            Take a break from:  “It’s NOT okay to ____.”

            I-statements come across very differently from you- statements.  Kids respond much
         better when we communicate in non- accusatory ways that start with “you” or when we
         frame requests in the positive.  

    12.  “It’s okay to cry.”                
            Take a break from:  “Don’t be a baby.”

           “It’s okay that you feel sad, I’ll be over here if you need me.  I know you can find a way 
          to take care of yourself, so you feel better.”  Kids respond well when we don’t
          pressure them to “get over their feelings” or try to force them to stop freaking out. 
          Empower and teach kids they are capable of moving through the feeling on their 
          own.  

    13.  “I’ll stop, breathe and wait for you to finish.”      
           Take a break from:  “Just let me do it.”

           Many times, it’s us parents who need to chill.  Slow down and let your child try to do 
         things themselves.  Be okay with a lumpy bed sometimes or shoes on the wrong foot. 
         The goal is to let kids try, fail, try again and anchor feelings of capacity -- so they don’t 
         always depend on us to do everything.

    14.  “I love you no matter what.”       
           Take a break from:  “No one wants to be with you when you act like that.”

           Unconditional love is at the core of Positive Parenting.  “I love you no matter what 
         behavior you have AND I’d like you to ask your brother for the game next time, instead
         of grabbing it.”   Feeding this truth to our children pours into their need to belong. 
         When kids’ basic needs are met, they misbehave less.

    15.  “I’m not okay with ________ -yet.”     
            Take a break from:  “You’re too young to do that.”

            When we own our fears and worries, our kids respond and respect our limits a lot 
         better. “I’m not okay with you walking on top of that brick wall because I’m scared 
         you’ll fall and hurt yourself.”   Kids often feel like they are old enough, strong enough,
         wise enough and capable enough to do big things… but it’s us that isn’t ready to take 
         the risk yet. Communicate what you are feeling to your kids using the word “I”, and 
         they will push back less.

   16.  “I believe in you and am here to support you.” 
          Take a break from:  “I’ll take care of this.”

          It’s important that we set our kids up for success in the world to take care of 
        themselves, solve their own problems and have confidence that they are capable.  “I 
        can see how this is tough for you and I believe in you to get through this. I’m here to
        support you if you need ideas.”

   17.  “How are you feeling?”   
          Take a break from:  “Calm down, you don’t need to get so upset.”

          Helping kids identify their emotions and communicate them effectively is an important 
        part of positive parenting.  “I can see you’re upset, what are you feeling?”

     Some of the key communication strategies that Snyder has summarized from Rudolph Dreikurs’ Positive Parenting approach are --  Give Choices, Identify Emotions, Reframe negatives into Positives, Encourage Critical Thinking and Reflection, Take time for Transitions, Meet basic Human Needs,  Provide Specific Requests, Be Patient, Coach Skill-building, and Love Unconditionally!   💕💕💕

Creating the Village: Mountain Strong Families focus on Communication Strategies

     

     You could hear a collective sigh of relief among parents as they watched a hypothetical exchange portrayed between a parent and child.  It was as if we were all peering into the living room window of our own mountain home.  We could easily relate to the intermittent tension that unfolds as homework, dinner, chores, sibling interactions or bedtime routines become peppered with challenges.  Every parent in the room was thinking about their own household, their own children, and the personal stress they carry as they strive to be responsible, loving parents. 

    TEENS, Inc., in partnership with Nederland Elementary and NMSHS, has hosted the Mountain Strong Families Series this year.  A dozen local counselors have contributed to this free parenting series-- offering their wisdom and support for mountain families.  On February 12^th, three counselors collaborated in “The Art of Communicating with your Family” workshop.  It was held in the cozy Kiva room at Nederland Elementary school after families enjoyed a free community dinner.  “It’s like a night out for me,” said one mom with a twinkle in her eye. 

     “It’s wonderful to be with other parents,” admitted one dad.  “My wife and I often feel like we’re doing everything wrong.”   But at the Mountain Strong Families Series, “all the parents can relate to what we are going through.”  On this particular night, counselors (Camilla Dye from New Growth Therapy.net, Kimberly Bryant from RootsFamilyHealing.com, and Carrie Evans from TameYourRhino.com) discussed helpful communication tips for growing a healthy family.

Counselors Camilla Dye, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly Bryant (left to right)

     Based on the book THE WHOLE BRAIN CHILD, Carrie Evans (who works with children of all ages) coached parents to check in with their own feelings and needs when they were being triggered by their child.  “Put your agenda to the side for the moment, slow your breathing when you notice your body tensing up, and remember the acronym P.A.C.E.  Once you’ve done something to lower the intensity of your emotions, notice your child,” Evans insisted.  The letters in P.A.C.E. should “remind you to respond with Patience (pause, go slow), Acceptance of their big feelings, Curiosity about what is going on with them, and then an expression of Empathy for their feelings and needs.”  The group learned that when the emotional part of our own brain is regulated, our children are better able to mirror openness to us as they regulate the intensity of their emotions.  Our grounded presence to their emotions and needs can completely shift the dynamic in a family interchange. 

     Kimberly Bryant, shared a 10-point Emotion Scale with parents.  Bryant noted that when the intensity of our emotional reaction is up in the red zone (8 -10), our rational brain is completely incapable of thinking clearly, creatively and compassionately.  And yet, “most of us are walking around, operating at between levels 4 to 7 in the cautionary yellow zone of the scale.  This yellow zone indicates it is a good time to explore ways to calm oneself before engaging with others,” said Bryant after explaining how our amygdala is often on high alert waiting to quickly react to our child’s misbehavior. 

     Bryant, a family counselor, then illustrated the power of reflective listening skills and assertive I-feel messages for parents.  “These tools are the elixir for healthy relationships,” emphasized Bryant.  She then encouraged us parents to “seek to understand your child before being understood”.  Listen for the child’s hidden emotions and unmet needs buried beneath their behavior and intense words.  Name these feelings and needs for the child and they will feel understood.  For example: “You seem really _______ (frustrated, hurt, worried?) right now.  I get it, it’s hard when you’re asked to stop what you’re doing in the middle of a fun game.”   This is the essence of reflective listening.

     Once your child feels understood, it is easier to assert your own feelings, needs, and requests.  “Mom is feeling stressed tonight and needs to get to bed early.  I know you’d like to keep playing, but I really need your help to get the dishes done before bedtime.   Can you please wrap up what you are doing in the next five minutes and join me in the kitchen?”  These communication approaches are in stark contrast to the parental responses that are rooted in our heightened amygdala—i.e. “I’ve told you five times to get in the kitchen and load the dishwasher.  I’m tired of being ignored.”  Our words, intensity, tone of voice, gestures and body language can merely trigger a defensive reaction from our child or cause them to shut down.  Or, if carefully stated, can serve to help them feel understood and better able to entertain what we are bringing to the conversation.

     Camilla Dye, a couple’s counselor, introduced another consideration to the conversation about communicating with your family.   Dye helped parents reflect on the health of their adult relationships and what these interactions are communicating to their children.  Research indicates that when adults have positive communication and relational styles among themselves, their children grow to display and expect healthy relational dynamics.  Dye asked parents to consider how their division of labor, gender roles, displays of affection, attention to partner time and intimacy, and the waging of adult conflict occur in their home?  Each of these issues sends a strong message to children about creating balanced lives and healthy relationships.

     “Make a list of what you appreciate about your partner (or close adult friends),” said Dye.  Then make sure to begin with sharing an appreciation before you give any constructive criticism or ask for a change from your partner.”  Balancing positive messages with criticism can make all the difference in how your request is received.  The “5- to- 1” rule also applies to children.  Children need five positive comments made about them to balance their sense of self for every criticism they receive.   Bryant also added, “children can only process seven sentences at a time.”   She encouraged parents to “listen more and talk less” as we seek to connect with our beloved children.

     “I really liked this presentation.  It dealt with real life and how to cope with it,” said one mom.  Parents came looking for suggestions, comradery, validation and tools so they could go back and create more love and fulfillment in their relationships.  They left with full bellies, knowing they have a group of accepting friends, as well as some new ideas about how to connect with their family.  The next Mountain Strong Families presentation will be on March 12^th:  RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICTS – An Introduction to Restorative Parenting.

Communicating when you're Angry

     
   

     Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting, offers some ideas for parents when they feel triggered by their children's behavior.  Her advice mirrors what children were learning about anger management and assertive communication skills in their BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lessons this month.  

      Emotions are processed in our brains 200 -500 times faster than our thoughts.  So it is natural that our first reaction to everything is an emotional one.  It takes longer for us to think of a thoughtful, assertive response when we our amygdala is triggered.  Eanes writes:

     In addition, many of us didn’t learn how to effectively manage our emotions in childhood. We learned how to handle emotions by how we saw our parents handle emotions. When we tried out their tactics, we were swiftly punished, and so many of us quickly learned to stuff our emotions to avoid punishment or we acted them out in less than desirable ways. As adults, we may simply repeat the patterns we saw growing up, only now we have the authority.  Adding to the problem is our exhaustion, busyness, and lack of a village. We are spreading ourselves too thin, and with enough repeated stress, we snap. To end this cycle, we really must learn to manage our emotions, so our children can learn to manage their own emotions well.  

     (When our anger is triggered by our child's behavior, we have three choices -- stuff it in a passive manner, unleash it loudly and aggressively, or learn ways to assertively share how we are feeling and what you need without dumping on our child.)  

Taking Ownership of Your Emotions and Actions

     Do you take ownership for your feelings and actions, or do you blame them on someone else? I used to blame my feelings on my kids all the time. When parents say, “You’re making me so angry!” they’re admitting that they don’t have control over their own feelings and actions. The child has control. This is a double-edged sword. First, this makes children feel responsible for our emotions, and that’s a big burden to bear for a child. Second, it teaches them to play the blame game and not take ownership of their emotions and behaviors as well.” Does “she made me do it” or “he made me so mad” sound familiar?

     Instead of saying “You’re making me so angry,” try naming your emotions and identifying your needs:  “I’m feeling angry right now.  I need to take a break before we talk about what just happened.”   Don’t blame your feelings on anyone else; they are your own. Your children are not responsible for your triggers. You are responsible for understanding why you have the trigger and disabling it.  Just by bringing awareness to the things that cause you to feel angry, you take away some of its power. Students are learning to identify their inner words knowing that unmet needs create our uncomfortable and angry emotions.

    Next, work on reframing the negative or judgmental thoughts that accompany your trigger. For example, if you often think “My kid is such a crybaby! He whines about everything!” then those words will fuel your negative emotions. However, if you consciously choose to replace that with a more positive or accurate thought, then the anger has space to dissipate. Try “My child is having a hard time and needs my help.” With consistency, you’ll begin to automatically think gentler thoughts, and your responses will be more positive.

Tips for Dealing with Anger in the Moment
1. Do something physical, like 10 push-ups or a few jumping jacks. Splash cold water on your face or step outside for some fresh air.  (Exercise releases angry tension in the body and a drink of water dilutes the rush of cortisol through your body).  

2. If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice. Don’t worry about looking silly to your kids. It’s better to look silly than scary.

3. Choose a positive mantra that you can repeat in times of stress. “I’m capable of remaining calm” or “I’ve got this” repeated often and out loud will help you calm down.

4. Take deep breaths in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and release for a count of 8. Repeat 4 times.

5. Pretend you are being recorded. Yes, I’m serious! If you knew they were going to show this situation on national television, you’d keep yourself in check!

Why It’s Worth the Effort

     If almost every parent yells, what’s the big deal? Rebecca Eanes looks to research for her response -- To a child, raising your voice can feel like a smack across the face.  In fact, one study found that yelling is as harmful as hitting. According to Dr. Kristen Race of The Mindful Life, “Yelling activates the structures of the limbic system that regulate ‘fight or flight’ reactions. Repeated activation to these areas tells the brain that the child's environment is not safe.”  To put it bluntly, yelling at our children negatively affects their brains and keeps them in the fight or flight mode of the Lizard Brain. We cannot see the damage inflicted, but deep inside the brain, neural structures are being affected. In addition, frequent yelling erodes the parent-child relationship which is so important for healthy growth.

Try the 5 tips above consistently, and you'll be successful at being the calm parent you want to be!   
      For more help with communication skills, join us Tuesday, Feb 12th for The Art of Communicating with your Family (5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School).