Communicating when your Child isn't Listening

     

           In her parenting, Wendy Snyder (Fresh Start Family) has been trying to replace her “harsh, negative tone of voice with a neutral, problem solving, empathetic and encouraging tone.”  She swears that all the work to change her communication style has not only helped her daughter’s behavior improve dramatically, but it has also helped her feel more confident about the way she is raising her daughter.  And yet, she admits that it is easier to be a positive parent in theory than in real life.  Snyder offers these key phrases when your child isn’t listening to you:  (See if you notice the difference in your communication style and how it may be received.)

     

1.     “What do you need to remember?”    

        Take a break from:  “Be careful.”

Kids often ignore when parents use the same mantra over and over.  Instead, engage your child’s critical thinking skills by having them ponder the important precautions they should be aware of.  

      2.  “Please talk softly.”    

            Take a break from:  “Stop yelling!”  or “Be quiet!”

             For instance, show kids where they can go to be loud.  Utilize the whisper of your 

          voice in combo with a gentle touch and eye contact to get your children to listen.  “I 

          love your singing AND I need you to either go outside or in the other room to

          sing loudly.”

      3.   “Would you like to do it on your own or have me help you?”   

             Take a break from:  “I’ve asked you three times, do it now!”

             Most kids respond incredibly well to being empowered.  Give them a choice and their 

          critical thinking skills override their temptation to push back.  “It’s time to leave, would

          you like to put on your shoes by yourself, or have me help out?”

      4.  “What did you learn from this situation?”       

            Take a break from:  “You should know better.”

            Focus on motivating to change behavior for the future rather than shaming a child for

         their past, impulsive behavior.  

       5.  “Please ________.”               

            Take a break from:  “Don’t!” or “Stop it!”

            Negative communication isn’t perceived well and puts undue strain on relationships. 

         Instead, try asking for what you DO want.  “Please pet the dog gently,” or “Please put 

         your shoes in the closet.”

      6.  “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?”      

            Take a break from:  “Time to go… now!”

            Humans love to be in charge of their own destiny.  Give kids a choice and they’ll 

         respond better when you say, “Do you all want to leave now or play for 10 more

         minutes, and then leave?  Give preparation for or transition time between activities to

         get a more cooperative response from children. Then say,  “Okay, 10 minutes is up, 

         time to go.”  

     7.   “Stop, take a few breaths, now ask for what you want.”  
           Take a break from:  “Stop whining.”

            Instead say,  “Let’s stop, breathe together, now try again to ask for what you want.” 
         Keep repeating this calmly while breathing with your child, till they can self-calm and 
         change the way they are talking.

      8.  “Respect yourself and others.”         
           Take a break from:  “Be good.”

           Be specific because kids often don’t absorb the general statements we throw at them. 
        “Remember to respect yourself and others when you’re playing with your friends 
         today.”  Ask for what you want and have them restate what is important to remember.  

    10.  “Use your teamwork skills.”      
           Take a break from:  “Don’t be so bossy!”  

           Become a coach of your child and teach them how good leaders lead with integrity -- 
         asking instead of commanding, showing instead of telling, and taking turns so 
         everyone has a chance to lead.  “You’re a great leader. Remember to use your
         teamwork skills today. Try to ask your friends questions, instead of telling them what to
         do.”

    11. “I need you to ____.”         
            Take a break from:  “It’s NOT okay to ____.”

            I-statements come across very differently from you- statements.  Kids respond much
         better when we communicate in non- accusatory ways that start with “you” or when we
         frame requests in the positive.  

    12.  “It’s okay to cry.”                
            Take a break from:  “Don’t be a baby.”

           “It’s okay that you feel sad, I’ll be over here if you need me.  I know you can find a way 
          to take care of yourself, so you feel better.”  Kids respond well when we don’t
          pressure them to “get over their feelings” or try to force them to stop freaking out. 
          Empower and teach kids they are capable of moving through the feeling on their 
          own.  

    13.  “I’ll stop, breathe and wait for you to finish.”      
           Take a break from:  “Just let me do it.”

           Many times, it’s us parents who need to chill.  Slow down and let your child try to do 
         things themselves.  Be okay with a lumpy bed sometimes or shoes on the wrong foot. 
         The goal is to let kids try, fail, try again and anchor feelings of capacity -- so they don’t 
         always depend on us to do everything.

    14.  “I love you no matter what.”       
           Take a break from:  “No one wants to be with you when you act like that.”

           Unconditional love is at the core of Positive Parenting.  “I love you no matter what 
         behavior you have AND I’d like you to ask your brother for the game next time, instead
         of grabbing it.”   Feeding this truth to our children pours into their need to belong. 
         When kids’ basic needs are met, they misbehave less.

    15.  “I’m not okay with ________ -yet.”     
            Take a break from:  “You’re too young to do that.”

            When we own our fears and worries, our kids respond and respect our limits a lot 
         better. “I’m not okay with you walking on top of that brick wall because I’m scared 
         you’ll fall and hurt yourself.”   Kids often feel like they are old enough, strong enough,
         wise enough and capable enough to do big things… but it’s us that isn’t ready to take 
         the risk yet. Communicate what you are feeling to your kids using the word “I”, and 
         they will push back less.

   16.  “I believe in you and am here to support you.” 
          Take a break from:  “I’ll take care of this.”

          It’s important that we set our kids up for success in the world to take care of 
        themselves, solve their own problems and have confidence that they are capable.  “I 
        can see how this is tough for you and I believe in you to get through this. I’m here to
        support you if you need ideas.”

   17.  “How are you feeling?”   
          Take a break from:  “Calm down, you don’t need to get so upset.”

          Helping kids identify their emotions and communicate them effectively is an important 
        part of positive parenting.  “I can see you’re upset, what are you feeling?”

     Some of the key communication strategies that Snyder has summarized from Rudolph Dreikurs’ Positive Parenting approach are --  Give Choices, Identify Emotions, Reframe negatives into Positives, Encourage Critical Thinking and Reflection, Take time for Transitions, Meet basic Human Needs,  Provide Specific Requests, Be Patient, Coach Skill-building, and Love Unconditionally!   💕💕💕