Creating the Village: Mountain Strong Families focus on Communication Strategies

     

     You could hear a collective sigh of relief among parents as they watched a hypothetical exchange portrayed between a parent and child.  It was as if we were all peering into the living room window of our own mountain home.  We could easily relate to the intermittent tension that unfolds as homework, dinner, chores, sibling interactions or bedtime routines become peppered with challenges.  Every parent in the room was thinking about their own household, their own children, and the personal stress they carry as they strive to be responsible, loving parents. 

    TEENS, Inc., in partnership with Nederland Elementary and NMSHS, has hosted the Mountain Strong Families Series this year.  A dozen local counselors have contributed to this free parenting series-- offering their wisdom and support for mountain families.  On February 12^th, three counselors collaborated in “The Art of Communicating with your Family” workshop.  It was held in the cozy Kiva room at Nederland Elementary school after families enjoyed a free community dinner.  “It’s like a night out for me,” said one mom with a twinkle in her eye. 

     “It’s wonderful to be with other parents,” admitted one dad.  “My wife and I often feel like we’re doing everything wrong.”   But at the Mountain Strong Families Series, “all the parents can relate to what we are going through.”  On this particular night, counselors (Camilla Dye from New Growth Therapy.net, Kimberly Bryant from RootsFamilyHealing.com, and Carrie Evans from TameYourRhino.com) discussed helpful communication tips for growing a healthy family.

Counselors Camilla Dye, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly Bryant (left to right)

     Based on the book THE WHOLE BRAIN CHILD, Carrie Evans (who works with children of all ages) coached parents to check in with their own feelings and needs when they were being triggered by their child.  “Put your agenda to the side for the moment, slow your breathing when you notice your body tensing up, and remember the acronym P.A.C.E.  Once you’ve done something to lower the intensity of your emotions, notice your child,” Evans insisted.  The letters in P.A.C.E. should “remind you to respond with Patience (pause, go slow), Acceptance of their big feelings, Curiosity about what is going on with them, and then an expression of Empathy for their feelings and needs.”  The group learned that when the emotional part of our own brain is regulated, our children are better able to mirror openness to us as they regulate the intensity of their emotions.  Our grounded presence to their emotions and needs can completely shift the dynamic in a family interchange. 

     Kimberly Bryant, shared a 10-point Emotion Scale with parents.  Bryant noted that when the intensity of our emotional reaction is up in the red zone (8 -10), our rational brain is completely incapable of thinking clearly, creatively and compassionately.  And yet, “most of us are walking around, operating at between levels 4 to 7 in the cautionary yellow zone of the scale.  This yellow zone indicates it is a good time to explore ways to calm oneself before engaging with others,” said Bryant after explaining how our amygdala is often on high alert waiting to quickly react to our child’s misbehavior. 

     Bryant, a family counselor, then illustrated the power of reflective listening skills and assertive I-feel messages for parents.  “These tools are the elixir for healthy relationships,” emphasized Bryant.  She then encouraged us parents to “seek to understand your child before being understood”.  Listen for the child’s hidden emotions and unmet needs buried beneath their behavior and intense words.  Name these feelings and needs for the child and they will feel understood.  For example: “You seem really _______ (frustrated, hurt, worried?) right now.  I get it, it’s hard when you’re asked to stop what you’re doing in the middle of a fun game.”   This is the essence of reflective listening.

     Once your child feels understood, it is easier to assert your own feelings, needs, and requests.  “Mom is feeling stressed tonight and needs to get to bed early.  I know you’d like to keep playing, but I really need your help to get the dishes done before bedtime.   Can you please wrap up what you are doing in the next five minutes and join me in the kitchen?”  These communication approaches are in stark contrast to the parental responses that are rooted in our heightened amygdala—i.e. “I’ve told you five times to get in the kitchen and load the dishwasher.  I’m tired of being ignored.”  Our words, intensity, tone of voice, gestures and body language can merely trigger a defensive reaction from our child or cause them to shut down.  Or, if carefully stated, can serve to help them feel understood and better able to entertain what we are bringing to the conversation.

     Camilla Dye, a couple’s counselor, introduced another consideration to the conversation about communicating with your family.   Dye helped parents reflect on the health of their adult relationships and what these interactions are communicating to their children.  Research indicates that when adults have positive communication and relational styles among themselves, their children grow to display and expect healthy relational dynamics.  Dye asked parents to consider how their division of labor, gender roles, displays of affection, attention to partner time and intimacy, and the waging of adult conflict occur in their home?  Each of these issues sends a strong message to children about creating balanced lives and healthy relationships.

     “Make a list of what you appreciate about your partner (or close adult friends),” said Dye.  Then make sure to begin with sharing an appreciation before you give any constructive criticism or ask for a change from your partner.”  Balancing positive messages with criticism can make all the difference in how your request is received.  The “5- to- 1” rule also applies to children.  Children need five positive comments made about them to balance their sense of self for every criticism they receive.   Bryant also added, “children can only process seven sentences at a time.”   She encouraged parents to “listen more and talk less” as we seek to connect with our beloved children.

     “I really liked this presentation.  It dealt with real life and how to cope with it,” said one mom.  Parents came looking for suggestions, comradery, validation and tools so they could go back and create more love and fulfillment in their relationships.  They left with full bellies, knowing they have a group of accepting friends, as well as some new ideas about how to connect with their family.  The next Mountain Strong Families presentation will be on March 12^th:  RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICTS – An Introduction to Restorative Parenting.