Communicating when you're Angry

     
   

     Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting, offers some ideas for parents when they feel triggered by their children's behavior.  Her advice mirrors what children were learning about anger management and assertive communication skills in their BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lessons this month.  

      Emotions are processed in our brains 200 -500 times faster than our thoughts.  So it is natural that our first reaction to everything is an emotional one.  It takes longer for us to think of a thoughtful, assertive response when we our amygdala is triggered.  Eanes writes:

     In addition, many of us didn’t learn how to effectively manage our emotions in childhood. We learned how to handle emotions by how we saw our parents handle emotions. When we tried out their tactics, we were swiftly punished, and so many of us quickly learned to stuff our emotions to avoid punishment or we acted them out in less than desirable ways. As adults, we may simply repeat the patterns we saw growing up, only now we have the authority.  Adding to the problem is our exhaustion, busyness, and lack of a village. We are spreading ourselves too thin, and with enough repeated stress, we snap. To end this cycle, we really must learn to manage our emotions, so our children can learn to manage their own emotions well.  

     (When our anger is triggered by our child's behavior, we have three choices -- stuff it in a passive manner, unleash it loudly and aggressively, or learn ways to assertively share how we are feeling and what you need without dumping on our child.)  

Taking Ownership of Your Emotions and Actions

     Do you take ownership for your feelings and actions, or do you blame them on someone else? I used to blame my feelings on my kids all the time. When parents say, “You’re making me so angry!” they’re admitting that they don’t have control over their own feelings and actions. The child has control. This is a double-edged sword. First, this makes children feel responsible for our emotions, and that’s a big burden to bear for a child. Second, it teaches them to play the blame game and not take ownership of their emotions and behaviors as well.” Does “she made me do it” or “he made me so mad” sound familiar?

     Instead of saying “You’re making me so angry,” try naming your emotions and identifying your needs:  “I’m feeling angry right now.  I need to take a break before we talk about what just happened.”   Don’t blame your feelings on anyone else; they are your own. Your children are not responsible for your triggers. You are responsible for understanding why you have the trigger and disabling it.  Just by bringing awareness to the things that cause you to feel angry, you take away some of its power. Students are learning to identify their inner words knowing that unmet needs create our uncomfortable and angry emotions.

    Next, work on reframing the negative or judgmental thoughts that accompany your trigger. For example, if you often think “My kid is such a crybaby! He whines about everything!” then those words will fuel your negative emotions. However, if you consciously choose to replace that with a more positive or accurate thought, then the anger has space to dissipate. Try “My child is having a hard time and needs my help.” With consistency, you’ll begin to automatically think gentler thoughts, and your responses will be more positive.

Tips for Dealing with Anger in the Moment
1. Do something physical, like 10 push-ups or a few jumping jacks. Splash cold water on your face or step outside for some fresh air.  (Exercise releases angry tension in the body and a drink of water dilutes the rush of cortisol through your body).  

2. If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice. Don’t worry about looking silly to your kids. It’s better to look silly than scary.

3. Choose a positive mantra that you can repeat in times of stress. “I’m capable of remaining calm” or “I’ve got this” repeated often and out loud will help you calm down.

4. Take deep breaths in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and release for a count of 8. Repeat 4 times.

5. Pretend you are being recorded. Yes, I’m serious! If you knew they were going to show this situation on national television, you’d keep yourself in check!

Why It’s Worth the Effort

     If almost every parent yells, what’s the big deal? Rebecca Eanes looks to research for her response -- To a child, raising your voice can feel like a smack across the face.  In fact, one study found that yelling is as harmful as hitting. According to Dr. Kristen Race of The Mindful Life, “Yelling activates the structures of the limbic system that regulate ‘fight or flight’ reactions. Repeated activation to these areas tells the brain that the child's environment is not safe.”  To put it bluntly, yelling at our children negatively affects their brains and keeps them in the fight or flight mode of the Lizard Brain. We cannot see the damage inflicted, but deep inside the brain, neural structures are being affected. In addition, frequent yelling erodes the parent-child relationship which is so important for healthy growth.

Try the 5 tips above consistently, and you'll be successful at being the calm parent you want to be!   
      For more help with communication skills, join us Tuesday, Feb 12th for The Art of Communicating with your Family (5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School).