Nicole Schwartz ( imperfectfamilies.com) offers Five Important Questions to Ask when your child is acting out. These questions tie in nicely with the communication and self-regulation skills students are learning in their Social Emotional Learning classes at Nederland Elementary School. Students are asked to think about their emotions and the underlying needs they are trying to meet. When humans have unmet needs, we then experience and express uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes, we parents forget to look for those clues behind the unwanted behaviors. As a parent coach, Schwartz writes --
Let's be honest. In the middle of a meltdown, my first question is: "How do I get them to calm down?" In the middle of a disagreement, my goal is: "How do I get them to agree with me?" In the middle of an argument, I plead: "How do I make this stop?" And if we're being totally honest.... we know that these are the wrong questions.
When we start with these questions, we see our kids as the problem. We put ourselves on the defense and we usually aren't focused on connection and empathy. But, there is truth at the heart of these questions. We want to know how to help our child work through their big feelings. We want to have proactive and positive conversations. And, we want to feel confident and in control. It can happen! But first, we need to explore a few alternative questions.
1. What's triggering me about this situation? There's a reason you feel upset in the heat of the moment. Maybe you're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, tired (what are your needs right now?) Maybe you feel pressured, undermined, or embarrassed. Maybe it reminds you of something from your childhood. The more honest you can be answering this question, the better you will be at creating a solution to help you stay (or return to) calm.
2. What role do I play? Interactions with your kids are like a dance. Your child says something, you respond. You say something, your child responds. Being curious about this "dance" can help you see how your words, body language, and actions impact the situation. It also may help you understand what your child may gain from engaging in this "dance" with you.
3. What need(s) is my child's behavior expressing? Every behavior has a purpose. Your child may not consciously be thinking through their actions, it may be an unconscious act to fill a need. Maybe they need attention from you or connection to you. Maybe they are feeling powerless or need more opportunities to have their own choices. Stepping back from the situation may help you explore these underlying needs.
4. What else is impacting their behavior? Even though behavior may seem to "come out of nowhere," when you take time to be curious, you may identify a number of things that led to the tantrum or argument. Things like feeling overstimulated, tired, hungry, having difficulty with transitions, or feeling jealous of a sibling, can all impact behavior. Here are a list of needs to explore.
5. What skill(s) does my child need to learn? Sometimes, behavior happens because your child is lacking the knowledge or ability to do things differently. Rather than expecting them to just "miraculously" discover these abilities, you may need to go back to square one, teaching them these basics, clarifying the steps, role-playing a conversation, or taking the time to practice a new skill together.
These questions are just a starting point. Give yourself time and space to think through these questions. Don't rush to solve the problem, impose a consequence, or try to get your child to settle down immediately.
Breathe. Be patient. Gaining clarity about the situation will help you respond in a positive, respectful way.
For more strategies to use in the midst of family conflicts and challenging behaviors, join parents on March 12th for an Introduction to Restorative Parenting from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School (free dinner and childcare provided when you RSVP at 720-561-4861).
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