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| Nederland's Mountain Strong Families enjoy dinner and learning together |
“It’s a relief to
know that I’m not alone,” said one mother. “I’m not the only one who struggles”
with a fair amount of family conflict, sibling squabbles, angry power struggles
and hurt feelings in my household. And
yet, she reflected after the fourth Mountain
Strong Families presentation, “there are answers.” Parents gathered at Nederland Elementary School on Tuesday night to
hear Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, two practitioners from the Center
for Prevention and Restorative Justice at the Boulder County District Attorney’s
office, explore conflicts and challenging behavior. TEENS, Inc has taken the lead in hosting
these informative and supportive parenting presentations in our community over
the last several years and will continue the Series next year.
Many parents agreed
with one father who said he attended Resolving
Family Conflicts; An Introduction to Restorative Parenting in order to
create a healthier home life than the one he had grown up with. Parents were encouraged to consider a
paradigm shift when addressing their child’s challenging behaviors. Siffing contrasted a restorative approach
with the two styles of discipline most of us are familiar with – the shaming
and controlling nature of a punitive style and the warm but boundary-less
approach offered by a permissive style. In
contrast, Restorative Parenting seeks to combine the setting of strong boundaries with
a positive nurturing relationship and skill-building.
There is a long
history of cultures utilizing a restorative approach to misbehavior and crime
dating back to various Native American traditions. So, it was fitting that parents gathered in
Nederland Elementary School’s “Kiva” – a room designed from our Colorado native
heritage to host problem-solving conversations between the
community. Restorative Practices has become a
growing national trend in school settings and throughout the criminal justice
system. Its main focus is on repairing
the relationships that have been harmed, holding folks accountable, and
reintegrating transgressors back into the community. The philosophy is just as helpful for parents, families, and educators.
When parents are
triggered by their child’s behavior, we are operating from our reptilian brain
and want to snap at and judge our child’s choices, said Siffing. Restorative practices interrupts this typical
cycle of conflict: where the child
doesn’t listen => the parent doesn’t feel heard => the parent doesn’t
listen => the child doesn’t feel heard => and round and round the
argument goes.
THE FIRST STEP in
interrupting this ineffective conflict cycle is to utilize needs-based
communication. When there is misbehavior
or conflict, a Restorative parent diffuses the situation by figuring out the
basic human needs and emotions underlying the problematic behavior. By listening attentively and validating the
child’s feelings through re-framing and summarizing, the parent demonstrates
they understand the child’s needs. For
instance, when the child says: “You’re
so mean. You never let me do anything I
want,” the parent considers the feelings
of being hurt or resentful and the need for independence or empowerment. The parent’s thoughtful (wizard brain) response
could be: “It sounds like you really want to do this on your own. You seem frustrated because it feels to you
like I’m getting in the way of that.” Reflective listening helps diffuse the intense emotion experienced by the child.
SECONDLY, Taylor-Russell
encouraged parents to share their own feelings, needs, concerns, and values
with their child. Try to “honestly own
what you are bringing to the conflict” by sharing emotion words and your needs rather than utilizing evaluative, judgmental words to blame the child for
what is happening inside of you. (Instead
of saying “I feel betrayed”, try communicating “I feel disappointed because I need honesty
from you.”) Marshall Rosenburg, author of
Nonviolent Communication, provides great tools to help parents utilize
I-statements and Reflective Listening skills.
Sign up for weekly Nonviolent Communication tips at: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/parenting_tips/index.htm
Along with nonviolent
communication, Taylor Russell prodded parents to let everyone take time to cool
down in the midst of a conflict to soothe their Lizard brains. Once everyone has felt understood and
validated, she suggested setting a time to reconvene and discuss the situation
further so that problem-solving can occur later. It may
be helpful to have a refocusing area in your home where your child can
comfortably go to soothe their big feelings and reflect. This serves as a self-care station rather than a
punitive “time out” chair.
Taylor Russell shared a
THIRD strategy for creating a restorative climate at home. “You’ve got to make it okay for everyone to
make mistakes and accept responsibility.” Too many kids think they have to be perfect
and are afraid to be accountable for what they did for fear of punishment. “At family dinner time, my partner and I often share
how we each messed up that day and how we tried to repair the situation. We try to model taking responsibility for
our own missteps.” Repair and accountability
are stressed over shame and punishment for mistakes.
A FOURTH
tradition was offered to teach kids effective problem-solving routines when
there are conflicts. Taylor Russell
utilizes a circle process or weekly Family Meeting to discuss issues and
problems, create expectations, and make family agreements. This creates a restorative climate and allows
family members to cool down before problem-solving. It is impossible to be
logical or creative when emotions are high. Circling back once a week to reflect on what
has happened and repair any harm is a positive routine to foster.
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| Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, presenters |
FINALLY, Siffing
and Taylor Russell demonstrated how to have a Restorative Conversation with a
child. They waltzed through three key
questions in a lively interchange–
a. “What
happened from your perspective?” (The
parent helps the child reflect on the their thoughts, feelings and needs with
summarizing statements like: It sounds
like you felt ____ because _____. )
b. “Who
was affected or impacted by this situation?” (Parents help the child explore how they were
personally affected and who else was impacted or hurt by their actions.)
c. Thirdly, “What
do you need to do to make things right?” When all threats of punishment are removed
from the conversation, the child is more willing to be responsible for their
actions. The parent helps the child
consider “If you were ___, what do you think you would need to make things
better?" The parent then checks back in
later to see how the restorative gestures went.
This Mountain Strong Families presentation merely whet the appetite of parents wanting to help their children
develop strong social emotional skills.
“I’m going to have to study these handouts to really learn all this,”
said one mom. Another mother thanked
the educators at Nederland Elementary School for teaching these skills to her young children. “My younger kids are so much better at
expressing their feelings and needs than my older child who didn’t learn this." Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices
Coordinator at TEENS, Inc, supports Nederland Elementary School as the
educators there work to adopt a more restorative approach to discipline.
Two more Mountain
Strong Families -sponsored events will occur in April:
On April
3rd, from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Middle Senior High School,
parents consider how to have effective conversations with their children about vaping, alcohol and drug
use. RSVP for the SPEAK NOW! event to kari.green@bvsd.org FYI: Parents are the number one reason kids don't drink or use drugs.
On April
18, experience a lively workshop to “Turn Anxiety into your Superpower” with
Avani Dilger and a panel of youth from 6 -8 pm at the Nederland Community
Center. Parents are encouraged to
attend together with their teenager.
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