Behind every negative self-talk comment, or anxious child, or feeling of never doing anything right, our kids are only showing us the surface, says Heather Davis of BuildingConfidentKids.com
There's always something deeper going on besides just the symptoms we see on the outside. We're only getting part of the story....
So, what do you do as a parent in a situation where your child's mood has shifted?
Well, you need to become a detective... but not just any detective. Remember, there's always motive behind how your child reacts, and it may not even be related to the current situation.
Students at Nederland Elementary are learning that their self-talk, thoughts, beliefs and opinions are directly connected to how they feel and then how they act.
A child's mood change usually means that they are processing beliefs they have about a situation. Being a detective doesn't mean we barrage them with questions. We instead need to help our children hear that SILENT VOICE in their heads that explains their beliefs. When they are experiencing negative self-talk, they feel lousy and act accordingly. Beliefs usually determine how a person reacts to adversity and therefore produces the consequences.
It is key to ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself?" "How does my body feel when I think this way?" and "What am I doing or avoiding because of these beliefs?" Our negative thinking actually changes our biochemistry and cause us to feel depressed, hopeless, or anxious.
Some key points to try when your child's mood has gone sour:
1. Ask them "What are you thinking about?"
2. Identify the things that are consistently pushing their buttons; notice which uncomfortable emotions and behaviors they trigger.
3. Watch their pattern of reacting. Do they blame themselves or others? Do they view their problems as temporary or permanent? (You'll probably notice some themes.)
4. One habitual reactions are recognized, you can help your child pull them apart and think of alternatives. Most of the time focusing on what they did well in a situation or what good came out of it will start to re-frame their thinking.
The other key thing to remember is to ask leading questions that help your child understand the complexity of problems as you guide them step by step through a series of possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions.
When we are able to entertain positive, encouraging thoughts about ourselves, others, and the situation, our mood lifts and our actions become more productive. When we head into a situation assuming the worst, we plant a seed in our mind that that's just the way it is going to be. But if instead, we re-frame our thinking and change our mindset, we might just be surprised at the domino effect. Parents can serve as their child's wise Wizard Brain and help insert optimistic thinking into a discouraging or stressful situation.
Our prefrontal cortex helps us TALK BACK to the negative thinking that is automatically generated in our reptilian brain. Our higher order thinking can help a child process these kinds of questions which will help them shift into their Wizard Brain thinking too:
a. Is there another way to look at this situation? Is the glass really half empty or half full?
b. Is there anything to be grateful for in this situation?
c. Why is the way I'm thinking NOT true? Can I separate my opinions from the facts?
d. Can I separate the person from the problematic behavior they are displaying?
e. What can I do to encourage myself and keep being the best person I know how to be?
The way we speak to ourselves matters. Re-framing our thinking an be the difference between being stuck or being flexible, between giving up or being resilient, between low self-esteem or high self-compassion. So help your child talk to themselves like they would talk to SOMEONE THEY LOVE.
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