As the fog set in over the mountains, the children giggled
and squirmed. Families gathered round
the tables at Nederland Elementary and laughed and chatted while enjoying a
Mexican-inspired meal. Babies and
toddlers were soothed. Preteens began to
spread out their homework. Elementary
children sat proudly in their community school with their loving parents by
their sides. And the fourth Mountain
Strong Families event of this semester proceeded forward.
TEENS, Inc
partners with our local schools and community counselors to provide ongoing
workshops for parents. The focus of the Mountain
Strong Families Series is on how best to teach children strong
social-emotional skills and strengthen family relationships. We have utilized ideas from the No Drama
Discipline Workbook to connect parents with the social emotional skills which
students are learning at school. On
November 6th, Kestrel Hansen Neathawk, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly
Bryant prepared an interactive dialogue about Communication Tips for a
Happier Home. Parents were able to
share their challenges with their children’s behavior and offer insights into
what works for them. “There’s a lot
of noise in our house,” admitted one mother, “but not enough talking and
listening to each other.”
Common themes
emerged from parents; parents who previously may have felt alone and isolated in
this journey. Everyone commiserated when
hearing about the screaming child in the grocery store, the physically or
emotionally intense child who lashes out at family members, the unwillingness
to obey, or the mouthy, argumentative teen.
“My children are disrespectful to me but wonderful everywhere else,”
admitted one mother with teenage sons. We’ve
all been there. “You are not alone,”
Carrie Evans reassured us.
So how do adults
respond when there are big emotions, noncompliance, and lots of yelling instead
of effective communication taking place at home? First, parents were encouraged to select
strategies to “turn down the shark music” in their heads; to make sure they are
responding in a calmer fashion instead of reacting from their own reptilian
brain. Parenting from a state of fear or
anger never works very well.
Evans encouraged
parents to try several self-regulation strategies when their child is
misbehaving: PAUSE, take some time
before you re-actively say or do anything.
Give yourself some time and space to channel your thinking brain; to
integrate your emotions with your problem-solving abilities. Feel free to walk around and say out loud to
your child, “I’m really upset right now.
I’m not sure how to respond to what is going on here. Hmmm.”
SHARE how you are feeling in your body – “Dad is getting frustrated
with your behavior. I can feel my
muscles tightening and my voice wanting to yell. I need to calm down so we can work this out.” Force yourself to BREATHE slowly for at least
90 seconds (while putting your hand on your belly or your heart) in order to
slow down your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and send the message from
the vagus nerve back up to your brain that you are not in a survival
emergency.
REFRAMING your
thoughts will also change how you feel emotionally, and therefore change how
you respond. We can begin to “turn down
the shark music in our heads” by intentionally changing how we think about our
children or the situation. Instead of
thinking of your child as bossy (insert natural leader), as lazy (insert needs
encouragement), as rude (insert articulate without thinking first), as fussy
(insert selective), as whiney (insert needs reassurance), or as defiant (insert
courageous).
Secondly, “CHASE
THE WHY” behind your child’s behavior and validate whatever they are going
through. What basic human need are they
trying to meet right now? What unmet
need do they have that is triggering their intense emotions? Are they tired, hungry, overstimulated,
needing attention and connection, needing choice and autonomy, needing to be
reassured? Parents were encouraged to see
if we can identify the major needs and emotions our children are expressing
with their behavior. With their feelings
and needs in mind, how can we communicate that we understand what they are
going through? “I realize that I typically tell my child to just ‘Stop
crying’ instead of naming their emotions for them,” one mother reflected.
Neathawk
continued to coach the parents by suggesting we “communicate comfort,
validate their emotions, and listen more than we talk.” If we truly want to connect with our child, we
might say, “I know it is hard to be told ‘no’. It makes you very angry because you wish you
could make this decision all by yourself.
This is really hard for you.”
Responding in a manner that reflects their needs and feelings helps the
child regulate their own emotions.
We were reminded
that whenever someone says “no”, they are saying “yes” to some need that is
vitally important to them. Next time
your child says “no”, ask yourself if you are getting defensive and believe you
have to either accept the “no” (and give up your needs) or resist it and start
an argument? Instead of focusing on the
“no”, look for what your child is saying “yes” to. If she is hearing a demand, she is likely
saying “yes” to her need for autonomy.
At other times, she may be saying “yes” to some other need of hers. By taking time to find out what is more vital
and engaging than what you have asked her to do, you defuse a potentially
volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your
interest and care. And when you can
connect with her “yes”, she will be more open to hearing what your “yes”
is.
Thirdly, HOW we
communicate is crucial in understanding how our children will receive our
words. If we don’t want to continue to
trigger our child’s lizard brain reaction to the situation, we need to be
mindful of our volume, tone of voice and body language. A
large adult towering over a child or standing face to face, instead of sitting
down or crouching down to their level, keeps the child in their fight or flight
mode. Our facial expressions and our own
intense emotions can either help calm our child or get mirrored in the child’s
brain and lead to an escalation of emotions.
Neathawk
suggested trying to direct children in a playful way when they were
non-compliant with our requests. “Let’s
act like cheetahs as we go get in the car” instead of “You need to get
in your car seat now” when running behind schedule. This
change in tone, while averting a power struggle, helps address the child’s need
to be included in the decisions that affect their lives.
Evans and Neathawk
shared their experience and addressed real life scenarios that all families
could relate to. The fog that blanketed
the mountains seemed to gently enfold the families gathered within the school. Parents begged for more time and guidance. But bedtime, as always, was calling.
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