Learning to Accept Imperfection in our Children

   

  "Perfectionism hampers success.  In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis."  

~Brene' Brown

     "Yeah!   A mistake!"  When was the last time you responded that way when your child messed up or didn't do something perfectly the first time around?  Are you operating from your reptilian brain, or your higher brain, when you react to your child's challenges?  According to Dr. Laura Markham, from ahaparenting.com,  "kids need the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.   That's the only place any of us can start from to grow."   Markham goes on to say --

     Most of us judge ourselves harshly.  We're so far from perfect.  We overslept, ate that cake, forgot to return a phone call, snapped at our partner, yelled at our kid, didn't feed him a hot breakfast, hustled him out the door so fast he forgot his homework.  And while we're judging ourselves, how's the kid turning out?   Not so perfect either?   Nothing makes us more anxious than our child having a hard time.

     But perfection is too low a standard.  Why not use love as your yardstick?  Can you forgive yourself for all those inevitable human missteps -- and just keep turning yourself around so you're on the right track again?  Can you remind yourself that your child isn't perfect because he or she is human, and an immature, still developing human at that?

     What kids need from us is the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.  That's the only place any of us can start from to grow.  

     So can you adore your child exactly as he is today?  Sure, you want to guide him, that's your job:  "Let's wait our turn at the slide.... Here's how you work out with your sister how to share the toy....We brush our teeth every night...."   But offering that guidance with humor and understanding is VERY different than guiding from your own FEAR ("Is there something wrong with him?").  Fear shades so quickly into criticism and gives your child the message that somehow he just isn't quite good enough.

     Instead, can you guide today with faith that your child is blossoming and growing all the time, becoming her best self?   What she needs from you, more than teaching, is the emotional nutrients to thrive:  unconditional love, joy in who she is, faith in the friendliness of the universe and in her own goodness and ability to grow.

     So today, use the challenges of life to create love where there wasn't any before.  Let go of fear and perfectionism.  Choose love.  Embrace your imperfect self with compassion.  Meet your child heart to heart, delighting in who he is, imperfections and all.  Focus on all the things you love about him.  Chalk the "imperfections" (yours and your child's) up to learning experiences, and use them to get back on track.

    And start aiming higher than perfection.  Aim for unconditional love.  

     When we are able to love our children unconditionally, we are channeling our higher brain -- the part that allows us to have a compassionate Growth Mindset.  Our higher Wizard Brain helps us realize that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and mistakes aren't the end of the world.  We are all just learning and growing.  Our children's failures are just their First Attempt In Learning  and these attempts are normally riddled with mistakes.  Thinking with a Growth Mindset helps us have more self-compassion as well as compassion for others; more hope, more forgiveness.  This open-minded, flexible mindset helps us tackle the difficulties in our lives and keep on trying.  And we want our children to have this kind of mindset that gives them resilience to keep on going after setbacks.  

     Students at NES are learning about how their reptilian brain can automatically make them think with a Fixed Mindset about themselves and others.  When we face challenges, a fixed mindset creates a negative, often rigid, view of the situation.  It makes us assume that mistakes are catastrophic and people who make mistakes are "bad".  This kind of mindset makes us feel lousy when we do things imperfectly; like we are a failure when something doesn't come easily.  We tend to give up in the face of adversity, or avoid tough situations and people all together.  We assume others won't change and grow from their mistakes.  This rigid, fixed mindset and desire for perfectionism is what Brene' Brown says produces anxiety and depression in us and our children.  

     In order to override our natural tendency to judge ourselves and others, and in order to foster both self-compassion and compassion for others, we parents must try to check our fears at the door.  We must believe in the ability of our children to eventually learn and grow from their experiences without chiding them for every failure.  Just say, "Oops, that didn't work well.  What can we learn from that experience?"  when your child makes the wrong choice.  Their higher order brain which helps them make better decisions is still developing until their mid-to late 20's.  Children would do better, if they knew how.  So today, offer nothing but love.