Developing better Self Control in your Child

   

     Our children aren't dogs which we train to do silly tricks.  But we do want them to learn how to stop and think before they blurt, interrupt others, or act impulsively. 
     It takes a long time to develop the capacity for self control.  It is completely normal for elementary school students to do impulsive things now and then.  Children gradually build the neural pathways in their brains to be able to stop and think before acting or speaking.  They learn to pause and process after a great deal of practice at this.
     The orbitofrontal cortex is an area of the brain located just behind the eyes.  It is important to impulse control.  The human brain has around 100 billion neurons, each with dendrites that resemble the branches of a tree.  When our children are challenged to perform repeated behaviors, their neurons grow more dendrites, which in turn connect to other neurons.  This process creates an elaborate web of synaptic connections.  By playing impulse control games, children are challenged to grow dendritic connections that will link their brain stems and limbic areas to the cortex areas of their brains.  These dendritic connections will enhance their ability to pay attention and control their impulses and emotional reactions.

     Lack of self control can be a skill deficit when children haven't yet had appropriate behavior taught to them.  A child who throws a tantrum, hits, or grabs things needs experience learning how to handle their feelings or get their needs met in socially appropriate ways.  We can explicitly model how to say and do things in a gentler, controlled manner:  "Let's try that again.  Try saying,  I feel frustrated when you aren't sharing with me.  Will you please let me play with that in a few minutes?"  These lessons often need to be taught over and over as an adult coaches and models.
     Children may also lack self control due to a performance deficit.  The child may know the appropriate behavior but fails to make good choices in the moment.  Being emotionally dysregulated or feeling pressure can cause children to forget what they know and act impulsively.  They need more practice to stop and think so that good behavior is like a muscle memory.  We want our children to use self control to do the right thing even if it isn't what they always want to do.  There are many fun ways to help your child practice waiting, or pausing to stop and think, before reacting. 

     Eight things Parents can do to help Children Learn Self Control

1.  Model Self Control

     If a child sees a parent reacting with impulsive behavior (think road rage) or a high level of emotion during a challenging situation, then they will also have a hard time settling down and controlling their own behavior.  One of the most important things we adults can do to help children learn self-control is to regulate our own emotions, so we can stay calm and patient with our children.  Children learn extensively from what they see modeled.  

2.  Help them Think through Consequences

        Help your child think through their actions and consider the consequences.  If they have a homework assignment that they don't want to complete, ask them what the outcome will be if they don't hand it to their teacher the next day.  How will that make them feel?  Use this process to help make the internal consequence and decision-making process external.  This helps the child practice these thinking skills and incorporate the process internally.  

3.  Playfully Delay Gratification

        Popular children's games can be a big help teaching younger children the ability to stop, wait or follow directions.  Think Red Light, Green Light.  The goal of the game is to be the first to cross the finish line, but you're called out if you move on the red light.  The child with impulse control challenges will have to work harder to stop at the proper time, but it's great practice.  Simon Says and Follow the Leader are games that help develop a young child's ability to pay attention and follow directions.  "It's fun to play these games at school, but it's even more fun to play them with Mom, Dad, Grandma or Grandpa," says James Forgan and Mary Anne Richey, authors of, The Impulsive, Disorganized Child: Solutions for Parenting Kids with Executive Functioning Difficulties.  

4.  Get Physical

     "Exercise and movement affect the ability to focus and pay attention by boosting dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin in the brain.  Regular physical activity also improves concentration and motivation, decreases hyperactivity and impulsivity, and improves memory,"  says child development researcher Michelle Anthony.   Run and play outdoors before asking your child to sit and finish their homework.  

5.  Teach Calming Strategies while Waiting

      When children are having a hard time waiting, try helping them do or think about something completely different.  The next time you and your child are waiting together, talk about ways to have the waiting be fun or go faster.  Some people draw doodles, tap their fingers, or sing songs in their heads.  Plan for the times that your child may need to wait and take something for them to do, such as pens and paper or a book.  Tell your child a story or play a question game:  "What's the biggest thing in this room?"  "How many red cars do you see?"  

6.  Play a Mind-Body Integration Game

      Have your child attempt to sit in a chair without moving.  Time how long the child is able to accomplish this.  See if they can increase their effort. Play it with them and time yourself.  Repeated practice over several weeks will show improvement.  Through activities such as this, the neural connections between the brain and the body are strengthened, providing self-control.  

7.  Practice Self-Talk when Distracted

     Encourage your child to repeat directions to themselves over and over to help them focus on a task.  "Put on your shoes, then grab your coat....Put on your shoes, then grab your coat."   Or repeat one word over and over "Focus, Focus, Focus" to help stay on task.  Ask them, "What is the first thing you need to do?  Second?"  Have them repeat back to you what they will be doing to lock it in their working memory.  

8.  Playfully practice Focusing Attention when Distracted

     Challenge your child to match socks from the laundry basket while you walk around them.  See if they can tie their shoes while you tap your foot or snap your fingers to a song.  Challenge them to wipe off the table while you talk on the phone to see if they can stay on task.  Cheer when they do it!

     "If children learn to delay gratification and control their impulses, they are going to be more successful in life" says Clinical Psychologist Melissa DeRosier,  "~socially, in school, career wise, in relationships, pretty much anything." All these things require the ability to slow yourself down and think before reacting.