Teaching Responsible Decision-making in these times

Weekly Social Emotional lessons at Nederland Elementary School continue to focus on assisting children in developing a variety of social skills.  There are concrete skills (asking curious questions, brainstorming options, considering the consequences, goal setting) that children can learn which enable them to make quality decisions throughout their lives.  In the following excerpts from ConfidentParentsConfidentKids.org , author Jennifer Miller shows parents how we can prepare our child to think critically about the impact of their decisions on themselves and others.     

I heard the news today, oh boy…

– “A Day in the Life,” The Beatles

When national or local news reports a situation in which a person has made a harmful choice affecting children’s lives, I begin to go down the black hole of worry. The dangers that my son faces as he goes about his daily life can seem frightening and at times overwhelming. Also, each day our children travel through a digital global environment that is an unpredictable territory promoting impulsive responses with the click of a mouse. Because there is so much that remains out of my control, I choose to refocus my energies on how I can prepare my child to respond in any situation in a way that demonstrates care and concern for himself and others and does no harm. I want him to be prepared with the decision-making skills to think through his actions in advance and how they might affect others and the environment around him when I am not there to guide him.

Responsible decision making is defined as “the ability to make constructive and respectful choices about personal behavior and social interactions based on considerations of ethical standards, safety concerns, the realistic evaluation of the consequences that stem from actions and the well-being of self and others.”

Incidents of great harm are not typically caused by an individual waking up one day angry at the world. We know they are a result of numerous small moments in life that add up to a person’s sense of identity and worth or lack of it. The child who acts as a bully on the playground is expressing hurts he or she struggles to contain. And in turn, often the bullied child becomes the bully as he acts out in self-protection. Complicated issues evolve over the course of a child’s growth and development in which they will need to make their own choices. Do I trust this adult? Do I go along with my friends? What should I do if I witness harm but am not yet involved myself?

There are simple ways that we can work on responsible decision making with our children. Small, consistent moments of practice and reflection over time will help fine-tune a child’s ability to think through consequences and the effects of various choices and actions. A child doesn’t “Just say no to drugs,” without a great many small experiences of saying no to minor issues of concern. Typically, children do not act as “upstanders,” sticking up for their friends, unless they have received coaching, practice and support for doing so. Here are some ways you can reflect on your relationship with your children and how you might incorporate practice, reflection and coaching on responsible decision making.

Articulate your love and acceptance for the child in the midst of poor choices. When children have made a mistake or a choice that caused harm and are being reprimanded, they are unable to distinguish between the action and their own worthiness as a person. It is an important teaching opportunity – birth through young adulthood – to assure them of your unconditional love no matter what choices they make. Children who do not have a sense of love and belonging and consistently feel bad about who they are tend to also consistently make poor choices to reinforce that notion.

Reflect on your language. Recall that the language you use helps shape a child’s sense of identity. They understand themselves through your reflections. “Are you being lazy again?” might seem like an inane, harmless comment late on a Saturday morning but becomes a self-defining word in a child’s head. Take a few days or even a week to heighten your awareness of your language with your children. Jot down on a note pad what judgement words are part of your lexicon. Realize that they are also becoming a part of your child’s vocabulary of “what I know about myself.” What judgment words do you use? How can you reframe those judgment phrases? Instead of labeling the child “lazy,” you might say, “It’s late morning. I missed seeing you earlier.”

Ask good questions. “Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve,” wrote Roger Lewin. As you observe situations, relay family stories or talk about your day, focus on open-ended questions that help your child reflect on decisions made. “Ginny received a demerit today at recess. What choices did she make? What was Ginny thinking when she made that choice? What did she want? Did she get it? How did her choice affect other children around her? How did it affect the teachers? Will there be any lasting effects you could notice tomorrow when you return to school? What other choices could she have made?” After the emotions have calmed, misbehaviors that you and your child witness or ones that your child commits can be a good chance for reflection.

Talk about your own thought process. Are you debating over something? Share some of your thinking with your child. “I’m not sure I want to go into business with a friend. I’m worried it will hurt our friendship. But on the positive side, I do think we balance each others’ skills.” Hearing your own thought process will provide a model for weighing pros and cons and thinking through situations before acting.

Initiate family problem solving. If there is an issue that affects the whole family, use it as a chance to practice problem solving together. An enjoyable topic such as “Where should we go for our family vacation this summer?” could be the perfect chance to brainstorm numerous ideas and consider the pros and cons of each one. There are many structures and strategies for problem solving but they all boil down to the same steps. Define the problem. Articulate the feelings involved. Brainstorm solutions. Evaluate the pros and cons. Pick one all can agree upon. Try it. Evaluate whether or not it worked. If it didn’t, go back to your solution ideas and pick a different one to try.

Use and discuss consequences. There are many opportunities throughout the course of the week to discuss consequences if you look for them. “What do you think will happen if you do not complete your homework?” Raising questions about predicting outcomes can initiate thinking in a young person about causes and effects. Also in your discipline toolbox, using logical consequences for misbehaviors is another way to generate that thinking. “You threw your toy across the room and it broke. We will try to fix it but it could be that the toy is not usable anymore. What could help you next time you feel like throwing a toy?”

Discuss children’s and young adult literature. “Responsible or irresponsible decision making are a central themes of most great literature,” says forty-year veteran high school teacher, Linda Smith. In any given story, discuss the following questions and allow your child to think about her responses.

What was the character thinking before the action?

What was the character feeling?

What did the character want to have happen? What was the motivation?

How did she consider the effect on others or on the environment?

Why did she make the decision to act the way she did?

Was the outcome what she had hoped?

What other decisions could she have made? What effects would another decision have on others?

The following are a few recommendations of children’s books that are particularly suited to discussing responsible decision making.

Picture Book Recommendations

Curious George books by H.A. Rey – The plot with all of these books involves the monkey George being curious and making a sometimes impulsive choice with disastrous consequences. However, George always finds a way to repair the damage, make things right again and, sometimes, comes out looking like a hero.

The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler – The rhythm of the language alone is captivating. The story is about an unlikely friendship between a snail and whale and their interdependence. Ultimately, the tiny snail is able to save the giant whale through his creativity and caring.

Young Adult Literature Recommendations

Choose Your Own Adventure – There are numerous adventure books that allow the reader to offer choices throughout the book. “If the character enters the cave, go to page 37. If the character runs around the outside of the cave, go to page 45.” These are fun and exciting ways for your tween-age child to explore choices and outcomes.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee – “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” This classic Pulitzer Prize winning novel is a coming of age story in which Scout Finch watches her father, Atticus make courageous choices that ripple throughout the community combating racism and injustice.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – This is another classic novel that explores the issues of responsible decision making. Ordinary small boys are stranded on an island and the basic worries of their previous home life, like homework, become inconsequential. They deal with basic survival issues and power struggles and each make choices that will determine whether they live or die.

When you begin to worry about the dangers in your child’s world, refocus that energy into action. Do something about it by preparing your children. You can give them valuable practice in making decisions that will strengthen relationships and contribute to community life. And we will all benefit.

Complete article can be found at https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/2014/02/28/responsible-decision-making/

Creative Brainstorming when Kids are Bored

   

       Over the past few weeks, students at Nederland Elementary School have been practicing some Wizard Brain Strategies to use when they are problem-solving.  They practiced Asking Curious Questions, Considering Consequences when selecting a particular choice, and Brainstorming creative solutions.  It was fascinating to hear some students bubble forth with a large number of creative ideas during a brainstorming session, while others struggled to create imaginative solutions.  How can parents help our children learn to creatively BRAINSTORM whenever they need to problem solve in their lives?  Ahaparenting.com offers some ideas for helping children develop their creative thinking abilities when they whine..."Mom, Dad...I'm bored."

Why is unstructured time so important for your child's healthy development?
   One of our biggest challenges as adults, and even as teenagers, is learning to manage our time well.  So it's essential for children to have the experience of deciding for themselves how to use periods of unstructured time, or they'll never learn to manage it.  Maybe even more important, unstructured time gives children the opportunity to explore their inner and outer worlds, which is the beginning of creativity.  This is how they learn to engage with themselves and the world, to imagine and invent and create.  
     Most kids given unstructured time rise to the occasion (after some minor complaining) and find something interesting to do with it.  Kids are always happiest in self-directed play.  That's because play is children' work.  It's how they work out emotions and experiences they've had.  Watch any group of children playing outside and they will organize themselves into an activity of some sort, whether that's making a dam at the creek, playing "pretend" or seeing who can jump farthest.

Why does "I'm bored" become a constant refrain for so many kids?
     When kids simply can't find something to do, it's usually because:
          ⧪ They're so used to screen entertainment that they aren't practiced at looking inside themselves for direction.
          ⧪ Their time is always so structured that they aren't used to finding fun things to do with their "free time."
          ⧪  They have no one to play with, and haven't yet discovered things they like to do by themselves.
          ⧪  They need some parental connection.  All kids need to check in with their parents for refueling during the course of the day.

When children say they're bored, how can parents respond?
     First, stop what you're doing and really focus on your child for five minutes.  If you use this time to connect, just chat and snuggle, your child will probably get the refueling he needs and be on his way fairly quickly.  If he doesn't pull away from you, and you need to get back to work after a few minutes of fully connecting, consider that maybe he needs a little more time with you.  Most of the time when children are whiny and unable to focus, it's because they need more deep connection time with us.   Offer to involve him in what you're doing, or take a break from your work and do something together.  Once you're confident that your child has a full "love tank,' you can revisit the "what to do" question.  By now, he probably has some ideas for something he'd like to go do.  If not, tell him that figuring out how to enjoy this own time is his job, but you'd be happy to help him BRAINSTORM  about possible activities.

What about when kids really do need help coming up with a boredom-busting activity?  How can we help--- while still being clear that entertaining themselves is their responsibility?
     Even if you need to help your child come up with ideas for "what to do," shift the responsibility to her by creating a BOREDOM JAR stuffed with ideas written on pieces of paper.  Whenever a child says she's bored, she picks three pieces of paper from the jar and chooses one of the activities.  Here are 100 examples of screen-free ideas that children can do themselves, that your child might want to include in her BOREDOM BUSTER JAR:
     Make a book of jokes
     Make a laser obstacle course in your hall with yarn or tape
     Build a fort with blankets and pillows
     Write your Grandma a letter
     Cut out paper dolls and costumes for them
     Get a magnet and make a list of everything in your house that is magnetized
     Get a ruler and measure things in your house, recording their length
     Put on some music and dance
     Wash the mirror with a sponge
     Write down 10 things you love about each person in your family to surprise them
     Brush the dog
     Draw a tree
     Make a dollhouse out of cardboard
     Learn a tongue twister
     Make homemade ice cream in a baggie
     Dig a hole in the backyard
     Give the dog a bath
     Find shapes in the clouds
     Make paper airplanes and fly them
     See how many times you can dribble the basketball
     Cut a guitar out of cardboard and add rubber band strings
     Paint a picture
     Play capture the flag
     Wash the car
     Make a birthday card for the next person you know who is having a birthday
     Plan a treasure hunt, with clues
     Ride your bike
     Make a scene in a cardboard box
     Use boxes to build a castle
     Use an eye dropper to drop vinegar tinted with food coloring onto a pie pan filled with
      baking soda
     Start a journal
     Make homemade wrapping paper
     Mix ivory soap, kleenex and water to make clean clouds on a cookie sheet
     Organize your room
     Write a story
     Create a play with costumes
     Make paper bag puppets or sock puppets
     Cut out pictures from magazines and make a collage
     Use plain white paper to decorate your own personalized stationary
     Cut up old holiday cards and make holiday stickers for next year by coating with
       gelatin glue, let dry (dissolve 2 tsp gelatin in 5 tsp boiling water)
     Surprise your mom by making lunch
     Make a zoo for your stuffed animals
     Have a lemonade sale
     Make and decorate a calendar of the summer, with important dates marked
     Put juice and cut-up fruit into ice cube trays to make ice cubes
     Create a family newsletter
     Make dessert
     Use masking tape to make a race track for your cars all over the living room
     Play tag or freeze tag
     Start a collection (leaves, rocks, buttons) and make a museum display
     Hang a clothesline in your room and clip photos to it to make an art display
     Create a circus performance
     Learn a new card game
     Make a potion lab or pouring station outside with food coloring and containers
     Set up a shop and be the shopkeeper
     Make your room into a rainforest
     Make a sculpture from pretzels and peanut butter
     Write the story of your life
     Do something kind for someone, in secret
     Make an obstacle course
     Bowl in your hallway with soda bottles or toilet paper tubes
     Make a placemat (laminate it at the local copy shop)
     Write some limericks or haiku
     Decorate an old t-shirt with cool buttons and fabric pens
     Decorate a rock and make a house to keep it as a pet
     Use old cardboard tubes and boxes to build a marble maze
     Make "funky junk" art out of old jewelry
     Listen to an audio book
     Make snow globes or calming jars with glycerin and glitter
     Memorize a poem and recite it for your parents
     Make a boat using a plastic soda bottle base, popsicle sticks/duct tape- see if it floats
     Draw a picture of a desert island with all the things you would want on it
     Blindfold your sibling and take them on a tour of your house/yard- then trade places
     Make a fairy house for your garden
     Cut out a crown, tape into a circle to fit your head and decorate
     Create your own board game
     See if you can draw a picture with your foot
     Draw on the sidewalk with chalk
     Set up a restaurant and serve pretend meals
     Play jump rope
     Play with bubbles in the sink
     Plant some seeds
     Use the hose and a tarp to make a slip and slide on your lawn
     Paint your toenails
     Make a curving line of dominoes and knock the first one so they fall down in a row
     Make a list of fun things you can do without a grownup
     Mix liquid hand soap, cornstarch and food coloring into paint and paint the bathtub
     String beads to make a friendship bracelet
     Use the hose, PVC pipe and soda bottles to construct waterways in your yard
     Use pipe cleaners to make animals
     Use a basket and string to rig an elevator to hoist stuffed animals up your stairwell
     String a necklace out of pasta
     Practice kicking a soccer ball
     On a hot day, give kids sponges & bucket of water & let them toss them to each other
     Make and fill a bird feeder
     Make homemade playdough
     Paint sea shells or rocks
     Make bean bags
     Blow bubbles!

     I hope these ideas stimulated your imaginative Wizard Brain to think of ways to BRAINSTORM Boredom Busters with your child.  Practicing BRAINSTORMING when we feel playful will help children learn this important social skill when they need to use this same strategy to resolve conflicts.  
         

    

When Parents Get Together

     

      As we enjoyed a hot dinner together, it felt so nurturing to gather as a community of parents-- helping each other be the best we can be.    During the    Let’s Connect Parenting Program last week at Nederland Elementary School, one dad realized, “I’m not the only one. It seems like most parents face extremely similar challenges with their children.” And research on parents in the United States echoes his realization. Across all demographic groups, parents feel daunted by their job of raising children. It is one of the hardest jobs to do. Most parents readily admit they wish they had more patience and were better able to control their own emotions.

                                                      Kelly Davis, Let's Connect Program

      Dr. Monica Fitzgerald and Kelly Davis, from Let’s Connect, a program located within the Institute of Behavioral Sciences at the University of Colorado at Boulder, helped the room full of adults practice skills for their daily parenting roles. Many of the ideas discussed and practiced are identical to the Social Emotional Learning skills their children are learning each week at Nederland Elementary. When kids can use the same language and build the same competencies at home with their families that they are learning at school, their social emotional intelligence grows exponentially.

     The evening began with parents spending time reflecting on the positive things they notice and appreciate about their children. “I never really stopped to think about how often I fail to tell my daughter what I appreciate about her. I’m usually so focused on correcting her behavior,” said one mother. Parents were then encouraged to regularly verbalize these things in an authentic way to their children. An important distinction was made about noticing and appreciating children for who they are in addition to the positive behaviors they exhibit. By doing this consistently, parents might notice that when behavioral challenges do arise, it is easier to address them. Behavior management is most effective when a foundation of strong connection and meaningful affirmations has been developed between parent and child.

     Next, the 3-step Let’s Connect strategy, called Hand-to Heart, was shared with parents to facilitate their own self-care and self-compassion before attending to the perspectives, feelings, and needs of their children. This strategy includes the following –

1. The first step is all about Tuning In.
     Parents practiced pausing with their hands on their hearts and breathing slowly to bring their attention to the present moment. Here, parents are instructed to notice any sensations, feelings, or thoughts they might be having and to ask themselves, “How am I feeling? What do I need?” Research shows that the simple act of labeling feelings can help to shift brain activity from the amygdala (reactive Lizard Brain) to the prefrontal cortex (thoughtful Wizard brain). The prefrontal cortex plays an important role in “dialing down” the stress response. Pairing these questions with the nurturing gesture of placing the hand over the heart helps to produce a calming sensation as well. Here’s why:

 **Gently touching the heart helps to slow breathing and heart rate and can calm the cardiovascular system during times of stress.

 **Gentle touch releases oxytocin, a hormone which facilitates human bonding and stress reduction. 

** Gentle touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain associated with greater emotional awareness and compassion.
Additionally, new findings suggest a link between an individual’s degree of attunement with their own heartbeat and increased awareness of the emotional state of others. In other words, being in tune with oneself may translate into greater empathy for others.

2. The second step focuses on Reaching Out. 
     Here, parents were prompted to offer symbolic outstretched hands to prompt a consideration for their child’s perspectives in the situation. This step is focused on the perspective of others and includes questions such as, “What is my child feeling? What do they need right now?” This helps caregivers to respond with empathy and to see behavior as communication of a need, rather than a personal affront. “I often forget to stop and remember what it was like to be a child,” said one mother. The gesture of reaching outward helped parents remember to open up and listen to their child and even to offer a hug in the midst of an argument. One grandmother reminded the parents that she often thought to herself “this too shall pass”. A simple positive mantra like this one can shift thinking and responses during stressful moments with our children.
Learning more about the developmental stages of children often produces fresh insights for parents. You can find reliable information about child development and social emotional learning at www.ParentToolkit.com. 

3. Finally, parents were reminded to Connect with Resources. 
     This step, represented by bringing the hands together in connection, focuses on accessing internal and external resources in order to meet the needs of the caregiver and the child. Regular self-care practices can help adults connect with their own internal strengths and resources. The group of parents generated a whole list of nurturing activities that they will attempt to weave into their lives – hiking by the creek, yoga, Pilates, cranking up the happy music, and soaking in the tub. “This presentation helped remind me that doing self-care feeds patience in me,” said one young mother. Reaching out to friends and partners to discuss parenting struggles is another great resource to develop when we are stressed in our roles. Finally, our local community offers various opportunities to build parenting skills. Kelly Davis and Ann Sherman will be available for EAT. CHAT. PARENT. at NES on Wednesdays from 9:00 – 10:00 am beginning March 14th, if parents would like to stop by and talk about parenting challenges. Kelly is also available by email at kelly.m.davis@colorado.edu throughout the day on Wednesdays. Additionally, you can follow the weekly parenting article at ParentingMattersInNed.blogspot.com for practical steps to enrich family relationships and support social emotional skills.

     Stay tuned for future parenting events sponsored by the ongoing partnership between TEENS, Inc, Let’s Connect program at CU, Nederland Elementary School, and NMSHS Student Support Services!

Deep Listening to develop Empathy in our Children

     Students at Nederland Elementary have been developing more Empathy toward others by --

          -- offering gestures of kindness,

          -- practicing listening skills that reflect back underlying feelings and

             needs, and

          -- asking curious, open-ended questions to clarify assumptions and

             uncover facts.

Children require lots of coaching in these areas and need adults who model these strong social skills for them.  Below are a few tips from Ahaparenting.com and ConfidentparentsConfidentkids.org for developing your child's Empathy and Relationship Skills.

      The most important skill in talking with anyone, including children, is listening.  Not answering, not teaching, not lecturing, not fixing things or offering solutions.  Not only do your kids not want that from you, but it would get in the way of them coming up with their own solutions to life's challenges.  What your child needs from you is your full attention and empathy.  That's what deep listening is.  

1.  Remember that all your child's behavior is communication.  

     Even children who don't say much want to connect with you.  Accept it on their terms.  A handshake, a hug, a long look in each other's eyes, a high-five or a playful pillow fight may be as meaningful and full of connection as a deep conversation.  Observe your child's behavior and think about what they are communicating to you.  

2.  Pay Full Attention.  

    When your child is ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait.  Your child knows when you're really listening.  She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to and don't.  Turn off your cell phone.  Really.  She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the cell phone or TV just to listen to her.

3.  Use Conversation Starters rather than Conversation Closers.

     Culturally, we tend to be in the habit of not using feeling words.  Conversation openers acknowledge and reflect feelings without judgement or suggestions, rather than shutting down feelings.  Questions may have the potential to put the other person on the spot and cause defensiveness.  Use questions, not to probe, but to clarify your assumptions and inferences --

     "You sure sound angry at your brother.... Is that how you're feeling tonight?"   versus  "Why are you so grumpy?...You just have to make more of an effort to get along with your brother."

4.  Don't Take it Personally as you listen to your child rant.

     When children get upset, they sometimes retaliate in an argument with hurtful words like "I hate you."   Try not to take those statements to heart.  Though they are intended to wound in the moment, they are coming from a feeling of lack of control.  Walk away and take time to cool down.  In calmer moments, discuss how those words are painful and coach your child to rephrase how he is feeling without harming.  "Could you say instead , 'I hate what you did.  I hate what you are doing'?  The goal is to listen for the feeling underneath the rant and focus their words on the action not the doer of the action.  

5.  Empathize instead of probing.

     "Tell me how you feel" is not empathy.  Empathy is mirroring whatever your child is already telling you.  "You seem sad this morning" or "You're very quiet tonight... maybe you need a little down time?"  reflects the emotions and needs underlying what you are seeing and hearing.  

6.  Use words that Validate your child's experience.

     If you have listened deeply, your response reflects their experience.  Say just enough to validate their perspective when your child has had an unpleasant experience -- "No wonder you're upset" or "Nothing seems to be going right for you today."  When kids feel their emotions are understood, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate.

7.  Don't put your child on the spot.  

     If you would love for your child to open up more to you, see if they share when you aren't looking directly at them.  Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, doing dishes, or walking down the street.  Sometimes when we turn the lights out at night, kids pour out their souls to us in the dark.  

8.  Don't start Solving their Problem.

     The point is to listen in such a way that lets him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself.  Kids learn most from the opportunity to hear themselves talk and come to their own conclusions.  Facilitating a child's thinking in this way can support him in internalizing thought processes that lead to responsible decision making.  

9.  Cultivate deeper Understanding.

     Because so often our greatest challenges with our kids stem directly from their developmental struggles to learn what they know they need to, learning about children's development deepens our understanding of them.  Check out the free resource -- NBC Parent Toolkit

     There may be no greater demonstration of love than deep listening.  Practice listening with empathy to truly understand your child's thoughts, feelings, and needs.  When you model empathetic listening skills, it helps your child identify and accept their emotions, regulate the intensity of them, learn to listen to other's perspectives, and eventually think about how best to problem solve.  

     

   

How Parents and Schools can Prevent School Violence

(Excerpts taken from confidentparentsconfidentkids.org) The friends and family that I have spoken with about {school shootings} have consistently said, "I have to do something.  It's not enough to be horrified and sad.  I have to take action."  And so what can anyone do to make a difference  -- to heal a gaping wound and to prevent something like this from happening in the future?   Here are some ideas to get started. BEGIN AT HOME. Make sure you are really connecting with your children daily.  Disconnect to connect.  Iphones, pads, and other devices have become vehicles for connecting with everyone except those with who we are physically present -- typically our most intimate family.  Set a timer for yourself if you need to but give your children full, undivided attention even if it's only for a short time each day.  And limit their screen time so that you are giving them the chance to look up and connect with you.  Find out what's going on in their heads and hearts.  Laugh together.  Talk and, most especially, listen well if they are scared or upset.  Be patient if deep connection doesn't happen immediately.  Often we have to offer time and a listening ear when they are ready to talk (not when we are).  And if you've been disconnected, then it takes time to build trust.  But that ongoing sense of trust will open up space for confiding in challenges when they arise.  We know that that connection is critical in keeping our children and others safe.  Learn more about how to connect with your child's emotional needs on February 27th from 5:30 -7:30pm at the "Let's Connect" presentation at NES.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org PARTNER WITH YOUR CHILD'S TEACHER. Ask if there are ways you can support your child's teacher in building community amongst classmates.  Take it a step further if you are interested and able to volunteer as a teacher's aide in the classroom.  Research shows that students are safer if parents are directly involved with the teacher and the classroom. IDENTIFY AND TAKE ACTION ON RED FLAGS. When a child hits another child on the playground or in the classroom, that is a giant red flag.  That red flag is NOT a sign to send her home, suspended.  Punishment only escalates the problem and does not address the root cause.  That red flag is a sign that we -- as educators and parents -- need to get curious about that child's life and unmet emotional needs.  How can we understand what she's going through?  How can we offer her supports that will address her unmet needs?  It is not enough to point the finger and say it's the school's role... and for schools, it's not enough to say it's the parent's job.  We all have to take responsibility.  There are community organizations in every town that offer youth development supports for before and after school time.  Small steps taken to build caring connections for children who feel marginalized and disconnected can turnaround hurt for that child and many others.  For more on this critical issue, check out 50 Alternatives to Detention and Punishment.  NES is beginning to embrace a Restorative Practices approach to dealing with misbehavior that helps address the root causes of the problem and rebuilds relationships that have been harmed.   PARTNER WITH YOUR SCHOOL. You should be aware of what the school plans to do in an emergency including a situation like a school shooting.  But in addition, make sure that there are conversations and a clear plan for Prevention.  And in that Prevention Plan, there should be specific ideas on how the school is building caring relationships and safe spaces for all.  Learn more about schools and research-based social and emotional learning at the CASEL website as a critical means for prevention.  All students at NES begin their day with a mindfulness moment and receive weekly Social Emotional Learning lessons to build their skills in self awareness, self regulation, social awareness, relationship skills, and ethical decision-making.  Ask to serve on the school accountability committee (SAC) to ensure that your school has a vibrant Prevention plan. ADVOCATE FOR SCHOOL-COMMUNITY SUPPORTS. What supports are there for students who need more than the school can offer?   In schools, these are typically referred to as "intervention supports."  If the response you receive is "We have academic tutors for those students who are not performing academically," then that's not enough.  What supports are there for students who need emotional and social asssistance beyond what the school personnel can directly address?  Who is responsible for working with the students and families in order to seek assistance in the community? Some schools have a social worker or counselor who is primarily responsible for cultivating trust between families, students and the school.  They work closely with teachers to identify those students who are displaying risky behaviors and ensure that students who need more support than a classroom teacher can reasonably provide, get that support in the community.  Parents at NES can reach out to Challace.Cole@bvsd.org,  Eric.Swan@bvsd.org or Kristi.Venditti@bvsd.org  to request additional supports for students. PROMOTE SCHOOL-FAMILY-COMMUNITY CONNECTIONS. Preventing a crisis from occurring also involves caring connections.  Families need to feel connected to the school.  Students need to feel connected to the school and each other.  Teachers need to feel connected to students, parents, the principal, and the larger system (district, community).  The profile of individuals who perpetrate school shootings is typically that of an introvert, sometimes, the victim of bullying, but often, a student that goes unnoticed.  In schools with which I work, there is no child that goes unnoticed.  Every person -- staff and students -- is greeted each morning through a Morning Meeting.  Each student gets the opportunity to share something about themselves daily.  This -- connectedness in school communities -- is the way that we turn this problem around in the long term.  NES is in the process of adopting an Expeditionary Learning Model which includes Morning Meetings, daily check ins, and engaged learning and strong connections for all students.  For numerous research-based ideas on additional ways to create the needed connections with family and community, read Beyond the Bake Sale: The Essential Guide to Family-School Partnerships by Anne Henderson. ORGANIZE AND MOBILIZE. Committed parents across the country, through volunteerism and advocacy, have created a focus on social and emotional learning to prevent bullying and other violence in their respective districts.  One such individual in Strongville, Ohio, noticed that the state PTA organization was not talking about the need for social and emotional learning in schools.  She developed and proposed a resolution for the Ohio PTA to focus on "maximizing student potential and achievement through positive social climate and social and emotional learning."   It now serves as a national model for other PTAs.  In my experience, if a small group of parents exert their influence and assert that something is essential to the education and well-being of students that are not currently being addressed, schools and school districts have no choice but to take notice and respond.  For more info about how some Florida students are organizing for change, see their #neveragain campaign MARCH 14 +24th      I hope you will make a commitment to taking action in your own way!

SIMPLY LOVE can be priceless on Valentine’s Day

  

It may seem hard to find simple ways to deepen your connection with your children, given how busy everyone is.  But Valentine’s Day reminds us to tell all our loved ones how glad we are that they are in our lives.  Here are some simple ideas for celebrating that love (excerpts from Ahaparenting.com) when you’re too busy, too broke, and maybe too harried to remember that you really adore these people you live with….

1.       Rethink Gifts.

Make this day about the heart to heart expressions that build intimacy and connection.  That means handmade cards, extra loving time together, massages, not purchased gifts.  If you must buy a gift, choose it using the GIFT test: does it create more Gratitude, Intimacy, Fondness and Trust between you, or does it just impress?  Here are some alternative gift suggestions for your children:

~A Letter of Appreciation.

  The best gift of all is always a simple letter to your loved ones detailing how grateful you are to have them in your life.  Be as specific as possible; this is more satisfying than saying “You’re lovable,” because the recipient feels seen and appreciated.  Kids feel loved when we notice who they are and what they contribute to us, our family, and the world.  Your kids will reread your letters during tough times.  They’ll save them for the rest of their lives.

~A Gift Certificate for a back rub or foot massage every night for a month.

Kids feel loved when we listen to them and give them an opportunity to talk through their daily challenges.  Every single day, spend 15 minutes snuggling with each child before bed.  Not reading, that’s separate.  Snuggle time is just chatting and being together.  Gift certificates for nightly back rubs or massages bring delight. 

~Let children cash in special “Us Time” cards available from loveplantgrow.com to print at http://www.plantlovegrow.com/uploads/3/4/5/0/34500811/us_time.pdf

2.      Let your kids know your love is with them all day  …by tucking little construction paper hearts with love notes into their backpack, lunch, jacket pocket for them to find throughout the day.

3.      At dinner, go around the table and give each person a chance to give an appreciation   …to every other family member.  They don’t have to be earth-shaking to strengthen relationships.

4.      Find five minutes to spend by yourself giving thanks for those you love.

One at a time, visualize yourself hugging them, and them beaming back at you.  Let the infinite tenderness of your love for them wash over you.  Ask for help to let go of anything that gets in the way of being close to this person, who is so precious to you. 

5.       Make some extra valentines  …to pass out as you go through your day.  You’ll be amazed whose day you’ll be moved to brighten; the subway token clerk, the grocer, coworkers, neighbors, a homeless person you pass on the street.  You and your kids might even want to leave anonymous valentines at each neighbor’s door.

6.      How about a telephone Valentine chain?

Call someone dear to your family and pass the phone around to take turns telling this person you love them.  Then ask that person to “Pass it forward” by calling someone they love, asking that person to call another, etc.

7.     Love in Practice.

If you’d like your kids to take pride in making the world a better place, Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to make love visible in the world by taking valentines goodies or homemade valentines to a nursing home, hospital, or soup kitchen.  As four wise teachers once said, “In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

Surviving the Afternoon/Evening Arsenic Hour

Ahaparenting.com reminds us that “every parent knows arsenic hour, when hunger, homework, and exhaustion merge into one big emotional accident waiting to happen. One obvious reason that kids have meltdowns at the end of the day is that they're hungry and tired, whether they've been home with you or out at school. But there's another reason. After having spent the day apart, your child feels disconnected from you. Until he reconnects, he'll let you know how alone he feels by acting ornery and uncooperative.

There's another reason that kids who are at school all day lose it when they're reunited with you.  It's hard work for little people to keep it together all day in the face of all those developmental challenges, disappointments and rules.  All day, they store up big feelings they can't process, waiting to be safe with Mom or Dad to let those emotions fly.  This is true even if they love school and beg you to pick them up later.  It may be fun, but navigating all those people is still stressful.  So the minute they see you, their "baby self" comes out to seek comfort.  Be ready to be emotionally present to your kids.  Here's how.

1.  If you can manage it, change into your jeans before you leave the office.  
The minute you do, you begin to relax.  What if you've been home with the little ones all day?  Steal five minutes to wash your face, have a cup of tea, and do nothing.  Really, nothing.  

2.  Before you pick up your kids, sit in the car for 5 minutes by yourself.  
Put on some soothing music.  Breathe deeply.  Notice the sensations in your body.  Acknowledge how you're feeling.  Then, put your hand on your heart.  Pretend your heart is doing the breathing, and imagine the breath going in and out through your heart ( this has been proven to lower stress hormones.)  Tell yourself what a good job you did all day.  Think of one nice thing you can do for yourself this evening ( A hot bubble bath?  Call an old friend?  Go to bed early?) and promise yourself that present tonight.  Acknowledge that after the kids go to sleep is your time, this next few hours is "kid time."  Then, get in touch with how much you love your kids and how much you want a nice connection with them.  Once you've filled your own cup, you'll find you have a lot more to offer your kids. 
**This week, your children utilized their senses to relax themselves.  Either by mindfully looking for 5 things around them, touching 4 different textures, listening for 3 sounds, noticing 2 smells, and focusing on tasting one thing, or, they wrote a visualization about a relaxing place by describing it with all their senses.  These mindful exercises subtly remind our bodies to relax at the end (or in the middle of) a busy or stressful day.  

3.  Give your kids lots of hugs and "pre-emptive" attention when you pick them up. 
When your kids get in the car, what they need is to re-connect with you.  Turn off the radio and focus on them.  Give everyone a big hug and a loving look in the eye.  Make a ritual of starting with the youngest, and ask them how they're feeling.  Most parents ask about their day, which is fine -- but many kids aren't ready to answer until they decompress.  Be sure to ask open-ended questions to get them talking while you drive.  You'll find that your kids will come to love this ritual because of your intense listening.  So they wait for their turn with great anticipation.  
Are they bickering in the car?   Space them as far apart as possible, and give them healthy snacks to eat so their hands are busy.  If the bickering is intractable, you can try listening to an audio gbook on the drive home to keep everyone distracted, but it isn't as good as connection.  If you can get everyone laughing, that's the best medicine of all.  It decreases the stress hormones circulating in the body, and increases the bonding hormones!

4.  Keep your kids with you when you walk into the kitchen to start dinner.
Why? Because they haven't seen you all day and they need to reconnect with you.  Until they do, they're much harder to manage, and much more likely to fight with each other.  They're overstimulated from being tired, which means they have stress hormones coursing through their veins -- that's how kids manage to get through the afternoon when they're tired, and it's what makes them so cranky and often hyperactive at this time of day.  Using TV at this point can become an addiction because it tamps down the feelings your child has stored up all day, and numbs children out, so when it's time to turn off the TV, all those unprocessed emotions come bursting out.  
Instead, start a routine of sitting your kids down at a little table in the kitchen with a healthy snack, and some paper to draw on.  Ask them to draw you a picture of their day.  If they're older, they can sit at the kitchen table and do homework while they snack.  Young children may show you with their crankiness that they need your help to restore emotional regulation; the best way to do that is a short roughhousing game in which you get them giggling to let off their tension.  Not a structured game, but any silly little interaction in which you express your affection in such a hammed-up way that it gets your child giggling.  (Be a bucking bronco.... Sing silly songs.... arm wrestle.)  You'll find that three minutes invested in connecting this way can transform your evening.  

5.  Put healthy snacks in front of the kids as soon as you walk in the door.
Set up a low table in the kitchen that your kids can sit at and draw and snack.  Worried that you'll spoil their appetites?  Think of this snack as the first course of dinner, and make sure your kids are getting protein or vitamins from it.  It's amazing how many more veggies kids consume when they're served as a snack rather than competing with the carbs on the dinner plate.  

6. Are you kids antsy, not able to sit in one place to draw and snack?
Put them to work and tell them how much you value their help.  As you chop the veggies, they can put them in the bowl.Or they can get ingredients out of the fridge for you.  When it's time to eat, have everyone set the table together.

7.  Simplify so you can connect. 
Don't answer your phone and don't return phone calls before dinner.  In fact, turn your phone off so you won't be tempted to check your texts.  Don't go through the mail or complete school forms.  Do not turn on your computer to "quickly check email."  Just get everyone fed as soon as possible.  Once that's completed, everyone will have more internal resources to draw on to tend to any other tasks that need to be done.

8.  Use the power of music.  
Research shows that music can lift our moods, calm us down, make us happy.  As soon as you walk in the door, put on soothing music.  

9. Feed young kids as early as possible.  
they're starving.  They're tired.  Why not feed little ones at 5 pm, even 4:30 pm?  What if one partner can't get home until later and the kids are too young to wait?  Feed the kids early.  Finish homework, bathe everyone.  When the other partner gets home, everyone can sit down for Happy Hour together.  Serve fresh fruit to the kids while Mom and/or Dad eats.  That way, kids get some experience with family meals and get to connect with both parents.  They also get fed at a developmentally appropriate hour, they have time for a soothing bath and get to bed on time." 

For more inspiration to transform your family evenings from Arsenic Hour to Magic Hour, see great suggestions about Dinner:  30 minutes to a More Connected Family at
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/dinner-connected-family