Weekly Social Emotional lessons at Nederland Elementary School continue to focus on assisting children in developing a variety of social skills. There are concrete skills (asking curious questions, brainstorming options, considering the consequences, goal setting) that children can learn which enable them to make quality decisions throughout their lives. In the following excerpts from ConfidentParentsConfidentKids.org , author Jennifer Miller shows parents how we can prepare our child to think critically about the impact of their decisions on themselves and others.
I heard the news today,
oh boy…
– “A Day in the Life,” The Beatles
When national or local
news reports a situation in which a person has made a harmful choice affecting
children’s lives, I begin to go down the black hole of worry. The dangers that
my son faces as he goes about his daily life can seem frightening and at times
overwhelming. Also, each day our children travel through a digital global
environment that is an unpredictable territory promoting impulsive responses
with the click of a mouse. Because there is so much that remains out of my
control, I choose to refocus my energies on how I can prepare my child to
respond in any situation in a way that demonstrates care and concern for
himself and others and does no harm. I want him to be prepared with the
decision-making skills to think through his actions in advance and how they
might affect others and the environment around him when I am not there to guide
him.
Responsible decision
making is defined as “the ability to make
constructive and respectful choices about personal behavior and social
interactions based on considerations of ethical standards, safety concerns, the
realistic evaluation of the consequences that stem from actions and the
well-being of self and others.”
Incidents of great harm
are not typically caused by an individual waking up one day angry at the world.
We know they are a result of numerous small moments in life that add up to a
person’s sense of identity and worth or lack of it. The child who acts as a
bully on the playground is expressing hurts he or she struggles to contain. And
in turn, often the bullied child becomes the bully as he acts out in
self-protection. Complicated issues evolve over the course of a child’s growth
and development in which they will need to make their own choices. Do I trust
this adult? Do I go along with my friends? What should I do if I witness harm
but am not yet involved myself?
There are simple ways
that we can work on responsible decision making with our children. Small,
consistent moments of practice and reflection over time will help fine-tune a
child’s ability to think through consequences and the effects of various
choices and actions. A child doesn’t “Just say no to drugs,” without a great
many small experiences of saying no to minor issues of concern. Typically,
children do not act as “upstanders,” sticking up for their friends, unless they
have received coaching, practice and support for doing so. Here are some ways
you can reflect on your relationship with your children and how you might
incorporate practice, reflection and coaching on responsible decision making.
Articulate your love and
acceptance for the child in the midst of poor choices. When children have made a mistake or a choice
that caused harm and are being reprimanded, they are unable to distinguish
between the action and their own worthiness as a person. It is an important
teaching opportunity – birth through young adulthood – to assure them of your
unconditional love no matter what choices they make. Children who do not have a
sense of love and belonging and consistently feel bad about who they are tend
to also consistently make poor choices to reinforce that notion.
Reflect on your
language. Recall that the
language you use helps shape a child’s sense of identity. They understand
themselves through your reflections. “Are you being lazy again?” might seem
like an inane, harmless comment late on a Saturday morning but becomes a
self-defining word in a child’s head. Take a few days or even a week to
heighten your awareness of your language with your children. Jot down on a note
pad what judgement words are part of your lexicon. Realize that they are also
becoming a part of your child’s vocabulary of “what I know about myself.” What
judgment words do you use? How can you reframe those judgment phrases? Instead
of labeling the child “lazy,” you might say, “It’s late morning. I missed
seeing you earlier.”
Ask good questions. “Too often we give children answers to remember
rather than problems to solve,” wrote Roger Lewin. As you observe situations,
relay family stories or talk about your day, focus on open-ended questions
that help your child reflect on decisions made. “Ginny received a demerit today
at recess. What choices did she make? What was Ginny thinking when she made
that choice? What did she want? Did she get it? How did her choice affect other
children around her? How did it affect the teachers? Will there be any lasting effects
you could notice tomorrow when you return to school? What other choices could
she have made?” After the emotions have calmed, misbehaviors that you and
your child witness or ones that your child commits can be a good chance for
reflection.
Talk about your own
thought process. Are you debating over
something? Share some of your thinking with your child. “I’m not sure I
want to go into business with a friend. I’m worried it will hurt our
friendship. But on the positive side, I do think we balance each others’
skills.” Hearing your own thought process will provide a model for weighing
pros and cons and thinking through situations before acting.
Initiate family problem
solving. If there is an issue
that affects the whole family, use it as a chance to practice problem solving
together. An enjoyable topic such as “Where should we go for our family
vacation this summer?” could be the perfect chance to brainstorm numerous
ideas and consider the pros and cons of each one. There are many structures
and strategies for problem solving but they all boil down to the same steps.
Define the problem. Articulate the feelings involved. Brainstorm solutions.
Evaluate the pros and cons. Pick one all can agree upon. Try it. Evaluate
whether or not it worked. If it didn’t, go back to your solution ideas and pick
a different one to try.
Use and discuss
consequences. There are many
opportunities throughout the course of the week to discuss consequences if you
look for them. “What do you think will happen if you do not complete your
homework?” Raising questions about predicting outcomes can initiate thinking
in a young person about causes and effects. Also in your discipline
toolbox, using logical consequences for misbehaviors is another way to generate
that thinking. “You threw your toy across the room and it broke. We will try to
fix it but it could be that the toy is not usable anymore. What could help you
next time you feel like throwing a toy?”
Discuss children’s and
young adult literature. “Responsible
or irresponsible decision making are a central themes of most great
literature,” says forty-year veteran high school teacher, Linda Smith. In any
given story, discuss the following questions and allow your child to think
about her responses.
What was the character
thinking before the action?
What was the character
feeling?
What did the character
want to have happen? What was the motivation?
How did she consider the
effect on others or on the environment?
Why did she make the
decision to act the way she did?
Was the outcome what she
had hoped?
What other decisions
could she have made? What effects would another decision have on others?
The following are a few
recommendations of children’s books that are particularly suited to discussing
responsible decision making.
Picture Book
Recommendations
Curious George books by H.A. Rey – The plot with all of these books involves the monkey George being
curious and making a sometimes impulsive choice with disastrous consequences.
However, George always finds a way to repair the damage, make things right
again and, sometimes, comes out looking like a hero.
The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler – The rhythm of the language alone is captivating.
The story is about an unlikely friendship between a snail and whale and their
interdependence. Ultimately, the tiny snail is able to save the giant whale
through his creativity and caring.
Young Adult Literature
Recommendations
Choose Your Own Adventure – There are numerous adventure books that allow the reader to offer
choices throughout the book. “If the character enters the cave, go to page 37.
If the character runs around the outside of the cave, go to page 45.” These are
fun and exciting ways for your tween-age child to explore choices and outcomes.
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee – “You
never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of
view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” This classic
Pulitzer Prize winning novel is a coming of age story in which Scout Finch
watches her father, Atticus make courageous choices that ripple throughout the
community combating racism and injustice.
Lord of the Flies by William Golding – This is another classic novel that explores the
issues of responsible decision making. Ordinary small boys are stranded on an
island and the basic worries of their previous home life, like homework, become
inconsequential. They deal with basic survival issues and power struggles and
each make choices that will determine whether they live or die.
When you begin to worry
about the dangers in your child’s world, refocus that energy into action. Do
something about it by preparing your children. You can give them valuable
practice in making decisions that will strengthen relationships and contribute
to community life. And we will all benefit.
Complete article can be found at https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/2014/02/28/responsible-decision-making/
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