Students at Nederland Elementary have been developing more Empathy toward others by --
-- offering gestures of kindness,
-- practicing listening skills that reflect back underlying feelings and
needs, and
-- asking curious, open-ended questions to clarify assumptions and
uncover facts.
Children require lots of coaching in these areas and need adults who model these strong social skills for them. Below are a few tips from Ahaparenting.com and ConfidentparentsConfidentkids.org for developing your child's Empathy and Relationship Skills.
The most important skill in talking with anyone, including children, is listening. Not answering, not teaching, not lecturing, not fixing things or offering solutions. Not only do your kids not want that from you, but it would get in the way of them coming up with their own solutions to life's challenges. What your child needs from you is your full attention and empathy. That's what deep listening is.
1. Remember that all your child's behavior is communication.
Even children who don't say much want to connect with you. Accept it on their terms. A handshake, a hug, a long look in each other's eyes, a high-five or a playful pillow fight may be as meaningful and full of connection as a deep conversation. Observe your child's behavior and think about what they are communicating to you.
2. Pay Full Attention.
When your child is ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait. Your child knows when you're really listening. She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to and don't. Turn off your cell phone. Really. She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the cell phone or TV just to listen to her.
3. Use Conversation Starters rather than Conversation Closers.
Culturally, we tend to be in the habit of not using feeling words. Conversation openers acknowledge and reflect feelings without judgement or suggestions, rather than shutting down feelings. Questions may have the potential to put the other person on the spot and cause defensiveness. Use questions, not to probe, but to clarify your assumptions and inferences --
"You sure sound angry at your brother.... Is that how you're feeling tonight?" versus "Why are you so grumpy?...You just have to make more of an effort to get along with your brother."
4. Don't Take it Personally as you listen to your child rant.
When children get upset, they sometimes retaliate in an argument with hurtful words like "I hate you." Try not to take those statements to heart. Though they are intended to wound in the moment, they are coming from a feeling of lack of control. Walk away and take time to cool down. In calmer moments, discuss how those words are painful and coach your child to rephrase how he is feeling without harming. "Could you say instead , 'I hate what you did. I hate what you are doing'? The goal is to listen for the feeling underneath the rant and focus their words on the action not the doer of the action.
5. Empathize instead of probing.
"Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever your child is already telling you. "You seem sad this morning" or "You're very quiet tonight... maybe you need a little down time?" reflects the emotions and needs underlying what you are seeing and hearing.
6. Use words that Validate your child's experience.
If you have listened deeply, your response reflects their experience. Say just enough to validate their perspective when your child has had an unpleasant experience -- "No wonder you're upset" or "Nothing seems to be going right for you today." When kids feel their emotions are understood, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate.
7. Don't put your child on the spot.
If you would love for your child to open up more to you, see if they share when you aren't looking directly at them. Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, doing dishes, or walking down the street. Sometimes when we turn the lights out at night, kids pour out their souls to us in the dark.
8. Don't start Solving their Problem.
The point is to listen in such a way that lets him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself. Kids learn most from the opportunity to hear themselves talk and come to their own conclusions. Facilitating a child's thinking in this way can support him in internalizing thought processes that lead to responsible decision making.
9. Cultivate deeper Understanding.
Because so often our greatest challenges with our kids stem directly from their developmental struggles to learn what they know they need to, learning about children's development deepens our understanding of them. Check out the free resource -- NBC Parent Toolkit
There may be no greater demonstration of love than deep listening. Practice listening with empathy to truly understand your child's thoughts, feelings, and needs. When you model empathetic listening skills, it helps your child identify and accept their emotions, regulate the intensity of them, learn to listen to other's perspectives, and eventually think about how best to problem solve.
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