There's another reason that kids who are at school all day lose it when they're reunited with you. It's hard work for little people to keep it together all day in the face of all those developmental challenges, disappointments and rules. All day, they store up big feelings they can't process, waiting to be safe with Mom or Dad to let those emotions fly. This is true even if they love school and beg you to pick them up later. It may be fun, but navigating all those people is still stressful. So the minute they see you, their "baby self" comes out to seek comfort. Be ready to be emotionally present to your kids. Here's how.
1. If you can manage it, change into your jeans before you leave the office.
The minute you do, you begin to relax. What if you've been home with the little ones all day? Steal five minutes to wash your face, have a cup of tea, and do nothing. Really, nothing.
2. Before you pick up your kids, sit in the car for 5 minutes by yourself.
Put on some soothing music. Breathe deeply. Notice the sensations in your body. Acknowledge how you're feeling. Then, put your hand on your heart. Pretend your heart is doing the breathing, and imagine the breath going in and out through your heart ( this has been proven to lower stress hormones.) Tell yourself what a good job you did all day. Think of one nice thing you can do for yourself this evening ( A hot bubble bath? Call an old friend? Go to bed early?) and promise yourself that present tonight. Acknowledge that after the kids go to sleep is your time, this next few hours is "kid time." Then, get in touch with how much you love your kids and how much you want a nice connection with them. Once you've filled your own cup, you'll find you have a lot more to offer your kids.
**This week, your children utilized their senses to relax themselves. Either by mindfully looking for 5 things around them, touching 4 different textures, listening for 3 sounds, noticing 2 smells, and focusing on tasting one thing, or, they wrote a visualization about a relaxing place by describing it with all their senses. These mindful exercises subtly remind our bodies to relax at the end (or in the middle of) a busy or stressful day.
3. Give your kids lots of hugs and "pre-emptive" attention when you pick them up.
When your kids get in the car, what they need is to re-connect with you. Turn off the radio and focus on them. Give everyone a big hug and a loving look in the eye. Make a ritual of starting with the youngest, and ask them how they're feeling. Most parents ask about their day, which is fine -- but many kids aren't ready to answer until they decompress. Be sure to ask open-ended questions to get them talking while you drive. You'll find that your kids will come to love this ritual because of your intense listening. So they wait for their turn with great anticipation.
Are they bickering in the car? Space them as far apart as possible, and give them healthy snacks to eat so their hands are busy. If the bickering is intractable, you can try listening to an audio gbook on the drive home to keep everyone distracted, but it isn't as good as connection. If you can get everyone laughing, that's the best medicine of all. It decreases the stress hormones circulating in the body, and increases the bonding hormones!
4. Keep your kids with you when you walk into the kitchen to start dinner.
Why? Because they haven't seen you all day and they need to reconnect with you. Until they do, they're much harder to manage, and much more likely to fight with each other. They're overstimulated from being tired, which means they have stress hormones coursing through their veins -- that's how kids manage to get through the afternoon when they're tired, and it's what makes them so cranky and often hyperactive at this time of day. Using TV at this point can become an addiction because it tamps down the feelings your child has stored up all day, and numbs children out, so when it's time to turn off the TV, all those unprocessed emotions come bursting out.
Instead, start a routine of sitting your kids down at a little table in the kitchen with a healthy snack, and some paper to draw on. Ask them to draw you a picture of their day. If they're older, they can sit at the kitchen table and do homework while they snack. Young children may show you with their crankiness that they need your help to restore emotional regulation; the best way to do that is a short roughhousing game in which you get them giggling to let off their tension. Not a structured game, but any silly little interaction in which you express your affection in such a hammed-up way that it gets your child giggling. (Be a bucking bronco.... Sing silly songs.... arm wrestle.) You'll find that three minutes invested in connecting this way can transform your evening.
5. Put healthy snacks in front of the kids as soon as you walk in the door.
Set up a low table in the kitchen that your kids can sit at and draw and snack. Worried that you'll spoil their appetites? Think of this snack as the first course of dinner, and make sure your kids are getting protein or vitamins from it. It's amazing how many more veggies kids consume when they're served as a snack rather than competing with the carbs on the dinner plate.
6. Are you kids antsy, not able to sit in one place to draw and snack?
Put them to work and tell them how much you value their help. As you chop the veggies, they can put them in the bowl.Or they can get ingredients out of the fridge for you. When it's time to eat, have everyone set the table together.
7. Simplify so you can connect.
Don't answer your phone and don't return phone calls before dinner. In fact, turn your phone off so you won't be tempted to check your texts. Don't go through the mail or complete school forms. Do not turn on your computer to "quickly check email." Just get everyone fed as soon as possible. Once that's completed, everyone will have more internal resources to draw on to tend to any other tasks that need to be done.
8. Use the power of music.
Research shows that music can lift our moods, calm us down, make us happy. As soon as you walk in the door, put on soothing music.
9. Feed young kids as early as possible.
they're starving. They're tired. Why not feed little ones at 5 pm, even 4:30 pm? What if one partner can't get home until later and the kids are too young to wait? Feed the kids early. Finish homework, bathe everyone. When the other partner gets home, everyone can sit down for Happy Hour together. Serve fresh fruit to the kids while Mom and/or Dad eats. That way, kids get some experience with family meals and get to connect with both parents. They also get fed at a developmentally appropriate hour, they have time for a soothing bath and get to bed on time."
For more inspiration to transform your family evenings from Arsenic Hour to Magic Hour, see great suggestions about Dinner: 30 minutes to a More Connected Family at
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/dinner-connected-family
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