Helping Siblings Communicate Instead of Fight

(excerpts from Ahaparenting.com)

Conflict is part of every human relationship, because every relationship has two people with different needs and perspectives. Our job as parents is to teach our children to manage sibling conflict in ways that bring them closer.  

What doesn't work is jumping in to decide about who is right and who is wrong. Not only are we not teaching our kids to work anything out, but we're inadvertently reinforcing sibling rivalry, by demonstrating support for one child over the other. 

On the other hand, research shows that if we just "let them work it out" without guidance, the more powerful child wins, and we're reinforcing bullying behavior.  

But there is a better way, one that teaches lessons your children will use to build healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

1.  Watch to see if they need help or can create a fair solution on their own. 

2.  If they're struggling, take a deep breath to calm yourself before you intervene.

3.  Offer empathy to both children by stating their perspective.  Say what you see them wanting in the solution, or why they're acting as they are (even if you don't agree with them.)

4.  Help each child express their needs verbally to the other child, without attacking.  

Every day that you live with more than one child, you'll have multiple opportunities to coach your children to identify and communicate their feelings.   Just re-frame these situations, so instead of responding with impatience, you remind yourself that every time your children are in conflict, it's a learning opportunity for them.   Here's one example of a parent re-framing and uncovering feelings and needs:

          Six year old Sebastian is playing school with his eight year old sister Claire, who is acting as the teacher.

Sebastian: “I don’t want to play any more.”

Claire: “You have to play. I’m the teacher and I’m in charge.”

Sebastian:  “Dad, do I have to play with Claire any more?

Dad: “Everyone gets to decide who they play with. Do you not want to play any more?”

Sebastian: (whispering to dad) “She’s too bossy.”

Dad: “I hear you, but your sister needs to hear you.”

Sebastian: (whispering to dad) “You tell her.”

Dad: “It sounds like you’re worried about telling Claire…..Can you tell her how you feel?”

Sebastian: (to Claire) “You’re too bossy.”

Claire: “I am not!”

Dad: “Sebastian, can you tell your sister how you’re feeling, instead of what you think she’s doing?”

Sebastian: “I don’t like this. I don’t get to decide anything.”

Claire: “Okay….do you want to be the teacher for awhile? I could be the bad kid!”

In this situation, the parent is helping their kids to identify and express their emotions, without attacking the other child.  You'll find more scripts and tools to coach your children in Dr. Laura Markham's book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings:  How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.

Children are practicing I-messages at NES so they can assertively express their anger and frustration.  In the above scenario, the parent is coaching the child to use this skill.  I-messages are a means of self-expression that enable you to express feelings and needs while confronting behavior without putting judgement on others.  The opposite of an I-message is a “You-message.”  

                       I-Messages                                                                You-Messages

1.  State and “own” your feelings.                           1.  Hold another person responsible                                                                                       for the speaker’s feelings.

      2.    Describe the behavior you dislike, not            2. Make personal judgments; put

             The person.                                                            people down.

      3.     Politely state reasonable requests                 3.  Make demands.

             or share what needs you have.                

     The purpose of an I-message is to communicate feelings/needs and to make reasonable demands on behavior.  The purpose of a You-message is to shame or intimidate a person into doing what you want him/her to do.  Beware of when your child uses a You-messages that “masquerades” as an I-messages.  For example, “I feel like you are mean.”  This is a disguised put-down, because no feelings are stated or owned (even though the speaker says “I feel,” he/she really means “I think.”)  The I-message is a tricky concept to master, even though it seems quite simple at first.  The key is to ask children to practice sharing what they are feeling and needing instead of attacking the other person for what they did.