Helping Children Feel Safe

 

   

      Throughout the Mountain Strong Families Series hosted by TEENS, Inc, parents are learning about the latest brain research by Dr. Dan Siegel (conveyed in No Drama Discipline).  His research found that children need four things to become whole human beings and thrive in this world ~ to feel Seen, Soothed, Safe, and Secure.  At the April workshop, parents gathered to discuss how to help their child process the recent tragedy in Boulder and feel safe on a daily basis.  

     In general, psychologists recommend avoiding the topic of violent tragedies if your child is under eight years old, unless they hear about the incident from friends, adult conversations, or the news.  Here are some valuable tips for parents who want to be the ones to help their child process fearful things and make sense of their world:

     Find ways to grieve and work out your feelings before discussing the incident with your child.  You need to be their sturdy rock when the world can feel unstable.  Then prepare for the conversation by thinking of a simple one-sentence storyline that summarizes what happened.  Stop and really think about what beliefs, values, and emotions you want your child to glean from this tragic event.  Hone your message because it will become their takeaway.  Consider whether you want to tell your child that there are bad people or that sometimes people commit harmful acts.  Will you suggest that your child always be on their guard or that they should always be compassionate?  Are you tapping into their sense of helplessness or are you helping your child be solution-oriented in what you say?

     Shield children under eight from the news.  The visuals will be extremely difficult for them to process.  Before sharing your storyline, first ask what they have heard.  See what questions they have.  Listen to how your child is feeling.  Talk about emotions, not just details.  Help your child notice all the helpers who stepped up during and after this tragedy.  This focus reassures your child that even in dark times, there is light, hope, and love in our world.  

     With middle and high schoolers, go beyond what happened to address cause and effect thinking.  Help empower your child to actively work on solutions to this problem.  Ask "What would you like to do?   What can we do together?"  Help your child move from feeling like everything happens to them to realizing they can be agents of social change.  

     Family rules, limits, routines, and rituals also create a sense of order and predictability in a child's life.  But if we want children to internalize our values and learn positive social skills, they have to feel safe with us.  Kids may comply to our directives out of fear when we threaten and yell, but they will lack the self-control and decision-making skills to do right when adults aren't present.  Or, kids may continue to be impulsive and disrespectful if we have not provided them with clear boundaries and structures in their life.

 

     The key is to be empathetic while offering clear behavioral boundaries.  Even then, it is normal for kids to not comply with our requests a third of the time.  But parents can up our chances for cooperation by allowing for and validating our child's emotional reaction when they don't like our rule.  We can also create safety by being aware of our nonverbal communication.  Children feel safer when we get down at their eye level.  Cooperation is more likely when we purposely calm our tone of voice, soften our body, and decrease the intensity and volume with which we are conveying displeasure with their behavior.

     By responding with empathy and safety, we are wiring our child's brain to expect that their needs will be met (but not necessarily their wishes), so there is no reason not to cooperate with limits, i.e.  "Let's find a way for you to throw somewhere else since we don't throw balls in the house." 

     Here are some specific strategies for placing kind but firm limits on our children:  

     a.  Give transition time.  For instance, "What page are you on?  Ok, finish that page and then set the table.  We are ready to eat." 

     b.  Use few words instead of lecturing. 

     c.  Use a positive redirect.  Explicitly state what the child CAN do instead of using a stop command to tell them what they can't do, i.e. "Tell your sister, 'It's my turn now' instead of saying "Don't grab!"  Children often lack the skills to do things another way unless we explicitly teach positive social skills. 

     d. Use when/then phrasing instead of nagging, threatening or bribing your children. For instance, "The sooner X happens; the sooner Y can happen."  

     e.  Offer acceptable choices, i.e. "It's time to clean up.  What song should we clean up to? "  Or, "It's time to leave.  Do you want to wear your sandals or your shoes today?"  

     f.  Involve your child's thinking brain in problem-solving with you, i.e. "I've noticed we have a lot of fights about getting ready for school on time.  What ideas do you have to make this go better?"

     Expect resistance from your children when you set limits, but ignore their rude or personal attacks.  Children may spew out the most disrespectful thing they can think of, so you'll know how upset they are.  Rather than reacting to their words or attitude, just say, "Ouch.  You must be upset to say that to me.  Tell me why you're yelling.  I'm listening."   Validate it when your child finds it hard to follow a limit, i.e. "I can see this is really hard for you."  There really is an effective way to stop being ignored or consistently challenged.  These strategies create order and stability in our homes through empathetically enforcing clear boundaries.  

     Finally, parents learned that it takes 25-plus years for children's brains to learn how to organize their time, possessions, and responsibilities.  One of the best ways to support a child's higher order thinking abilities is to create a visual chart (pictures plus verbs) for challenging activities.  Weekday mornings, homework time, and getting kids to bed seem to be some of the most stressful moments of a family's day.  Instead of constantly being frustrated with the child's inability to complete a task, figure out how to break tasks into smaller steps, place them in logical order, build independence, and help children organize and manage their time and materials with a routine chart and a launching pad by the door.  Instead of constantly repeating yourself, point to the chart, saying, "You finished breakfast, what's next on your list?"

     Young children thrive when there are consistent morning and bedtime routines; teenagers blossom when they can follow a list for completing and turning in assignments.  Families can also practice rituals (gratitude at meal time, reassuring goodnight songs and stories, a fun re-unification practice after school, or a morning snuggle before rising) that produce predictability, meaning and connection for everyone in the family.  For more ideas, join the Mountain Strong Families Facebook group.

     When there isn't much structure at home, children feel overwhelmed and tense.  Their behavior will indicate that everything feels out of control.  On the other hand, when authority figures impose their will and rigid rules on a child, the child's behavior becomes defensive and rebellious.  In contrast, with empathetic limit setting, routines and rituals, a child feels safe, and their thinking and feeling brain are able to integrate.  Life has a flow.  They are both energetic and at ease; able to handle whatever challenges come their way.

     "We really value these sessions," said one couple, "and it's so beautiful to know other local families are collectively joining together to raise amazing human beings."   

     "I've taken several training sessions from Conscious Discipline that are similar to the Mountain Strong Families Series, but they are very costly," noted another parent.  Thankfully, "this free series is a community resource for all parents," she added.   For more information about this annual Series, contact ann@teensinc.org 

     

We begin to heal the moment we feel understood

 

          At the March session of Mountain Strong Families, one parent acknowledged that parenting their children often felt overwhelming.  A chorus of other Mountain Strong parents chimed in with these empathetic responses:

     I know parenting is so difficult, we all struggle, we're all in the same boat.

     What you are doing is really hard and takes patience, effort and focus.  It's not easy, but you're still doing it.

     Give yourself some grace.  Have you made time to care for yourself?  Can I watch your kids for a bit so you can take care of your needs?   What else can I do so you can breathe and take a minute to yourself?  

     Tell me more about what is going on for you.  You are not alone.  We're here for you.

And so, we gathered once more to strengthen our family relationships and learn practical strategies for raising emotionally intelligent children, surrounded by a group of parents willing to listen and learn together.  

    Local therapist, Kimberly Bryant, explained how a child's developing brain naturally "flips its lid" as our children learn how to express themselves and eventually integrate their thinking brain with their emotional limbic system.  We now know it takes 25+ yeas for the thoughtful, compassionate part of our brains to fully develop.  Our role as parents is to serve as the child's prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) -- helping them to articulate, regulate, and pause to think through choices.

     To this end, parents were encouraged to develop their child's awareness of emotions by intentionally expanding their emotional vocabulary.  If everything that happens to your child makes them "mad", then they don't realize the subtle differences between frustration, disappointment, grief, loneliness, hurt, nervousness, and embarrassment.  The Inuit have 50 different words for varieties of snow.  Our children should know that many words for the different emotions they feel.  We can play feelings charades, discuss character's emotions in books and movies, and use lots of big emotion words with children.  Does your child understand what it means to feel discombobulated or disoriented?  

     We can also help connect our child's emotions to the physical sensations produced by their body.  Ask your child, "what is your body (heart, breath, energy level) telling you right now?"  Do you notice extra energy in your body (anxiety)?  Are your jaw, arms or fists tightening up (anger)?  Do your feet feel like dancing (excited)?  Does your heart feel warm and full (loved or content)?

     We can help our child understand that underneath every emotion is a need.  Uncomfortable emotions are caused by unmet needs (or the perception there of).  Comfortable emotions occur when our needs are met.  When children become irritable and uncooperative, we learned to H.A.L.T. and figure out if our child is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  Using preventative measures (snacks, down time, hugs, adequate sleep, support) and addressing these barriers will significantly shift a child's mood.  

     To develop children's emotional awareness, we need to model what this looks like in our own lives.  At different times throughout our day, we can fill in this sentence and share it with our children:

     "When I notice my body is (sensation)... I realize I'm feeling (emotion)... and I need to (coping strategy or relish the feeling)..."

     Children regularly lash out, act out, and have big emotions when their brains are dysregulated; automatically triggering their fight or flight reactions.  We parents can help rewire their brains from a default reactive mode into a regulated state by responding with empathy to their harsh words and difficult behaviors.  Our children will start to heal (and integrate their brains) the moment they feel understood.  The way we respond to our children either helps to regulate, escalate, or stuff what they are feeling inside.  We practiced ~

     a.  helping children feel safe by communicating with a calm tone, body language, and intensity. (Getting down to their eye level instead of towering over a child makes a huge difference.)

     b.  listening to and validating their level of emotion and uncovering the feelings behind their words and actions.

     c.  responding with empathy before addressing the behavior or trying to teach a lesson.  "It sounds like you're feeling ____ when ____ because you want/need ____.  Is that right?"

     One mom had an "ah-hah" moment when she realized how angry she got when her older child was rough with the younger sibling.  After using the steps above, she realized her oldest was feeling lonely and neglected.  This insight led to a very different solution to the situation.

     Finally, after children begin to develop an awareness of their emotions and needs, they may still need our assistance practicing how to pause to let their thinking brain integrate with their feelings.  None of us can think clearly, learn from our mistakes, or problem solve until we have regulated ourselves.  Traditionally, parents have sent kids into timeout to calm down, but this approach can leave kids feeling abandoned at exactly the moment they need us to teach them how to de-escalate their strong reactions.

     Does your child know which healthy calming strategies work for them while in different emotional states?  "My 7-year-old son refuses to breathe deeply when I ask him to," said one mom.  While mindful deep breathing techniques have been proven to get us out of our dysregulated state, drawing, journaling, movement, stress balls, using our senses, being in nature, music or puzzles may be your child's go-to when upset.  Practice these strategies when your child is calm and then encourage your child to use them when they realize they are about to "flip their lid."

     If we can help our children feel like their inner world of emotions and needs are seen, that it is safe to express any emotion, and help them practice healthy strategies for integrating their brain and regaining control, we will have prepared them to take on life's challenges with strength and resilience.  

     As parents we can help our kids make sense of their lives and memories with a story that retells their emotions from the day in a warm and nonjudgmental way.  My dad used to tell me and my siblings "The Adventures of Hoot, Scoot, and Annie" as he tucked us in.  Other families take turns sharing their "rose and thorn" moments from the day at dinner time.  This is a perfect opportunity to respond with empathy to these tender and joyful disclosures.  For we all just want to be seen, soothed, and feel safe sharing who we are.

     For more information about the Mountain Strong Families Series, contact ann@teensinc.org 

     

Nurturing Ourselves on our Parenting Journey

  

      During the first parenting session of “Raising Whole Human Beings”, facilitator Angie Sands addressed how to meaningfully connect with our children in order to forge a strong attachment between parent and child.  “After spending the last month focusing on child-directed play and being totally present with my child for 10 -15 minutes each day, my child is absolutely thrilled! He now asks for ‘special time’ with me nearly every day,”  one dad reflected.  A mom who has been attending the Mountain Strong Families parenting series added, “I feel more in-tune with my kids.  I’m noticing more joy and less family conflict.”  If we want to make sure our children have strong social emotional skills, we need to start with building a rock solid foundation with them, despite our busy schedules.  Finding concrete ways to connect on a daily basis produces kids who are resilient in the long run and more likely to listen to us in the short term, says Dr. Dan Siegel, author of “No Drama Discipline."

     The second Mountain Strong Families session, on February 18th, focused on the wellbeing of parents.  Siegel’s extensive research has shown that the #1 predictor of a child “turning out well” is their caretaker’s self understanding.  Three topics were addressed to assist parents in developing a greater understanding of their triggers, their ability to self regulate, and identifying any unmet needs that get in the way of being their best selves.  

    

 Parents began by listing behaviors that make them angry with their children.  Everything from  “does the opposite of what I ask”, “talks back”, yells “I hate you!”, to “he ignores me” or “the kids constantly fight” were mentioned as ongoing irritants that can cause parents to see “red”.  We were encouraged to chase the reasons behind our anger.  What childhood experiences and emotional wounds bubble up when we interact with our own children?  Did we have to stuff our hurt feelings as a child?  How are feelings of rejection, disrespect, or shame impacting us today as we raise our kids?  

 

     Brene’ Brown, a researcher studying feelings of shame, has uncovered adult behaviors that seem to derive from our own painful experiences in childhood.  “We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history,” she learned.  We may need to work through some old memories, and quit trying to numb our pain, in order to show up the way we want to be with our kids.  Diana Underhill, from Tadasana Mountain Yoga studio, led the group in an exercise to check-in with our bodies in order to become aware of emotional baggage we may be carrying.  A list of local counseling resources was also offered to parents wanting to explore more about themselves.  

     Next, parents practiced three helpful steps for managing their anger when they get frustrated with their child’s behavior.  The first step, when we initially begin to get upset with our child, is to (1) stop talking or physically reacting, drop your agenda (i.e. to-do list, schedule, expectation or demand), and take five deep belly breaths to turn off the alarm system in your brain.  Secondly, (2) repeat a mantra you have memorized that helps reframe how you are thinking about the situation at hand.  Parents chose phrases like ~  “My child isn’t giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time” or “Don’t take it personally.”  The third step involves (3) doing an active movement that releases the extra angry or anxious energy in our body.  Our brain is urgently pushing us to react, but we can take that energy and quickly dance, push against a wall, do jumping jacks, or walk out of the room and splash cold water on our face to practice the pause before responding to our children.  “I like these concrete ideas for how to take a moment so I can respond instead of having a knee jerk reaction to my children," commented one mom. Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids, believes practicing these daily anger management strategies for 12 weeks will build the new neural pathways for calmly responding to our children instead of yelling at them.

     Finally, parents explored the variety of human needs we each require to have a sense of wellbeing.  We can often feel irritable, resentful and exhausted while caring for our children because some of our basic needs are not being attended to.  Parents completed a “love languages” quiz to determine their preferences for feeling loved.  Consider how you can use the gestures that make you feel loved to provide care for yourself rather than relying on someone else.  Parents took their favorite love languages and created a self care action plan that illuminated their desire for either more affirmations, acts of service, gifts of love, loving touch, or desire for more quality time.  Parents brainstormed specific activities that would fulfill their intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, social, and creative needs.  They were also encouraged to write themselves a daily permission slip to take something off of their to-do list.  Every day, I’ll do these two things (______ and ______) to nurture myself.  Every week, I’ll schedule in time to do this:_____.  At least once a month, I’ll make plans to ______.  Parents took time to intentionally plan how to show themselves more self compassion.  

     Ignoring our own needs, or waiting for someone else to fulfill them, does not produce caregivers who feel whole.  Doing errands and taking a shower should not be considered self-care.  They are necessary chores and grooming activities.  Instead, parents selected activities that really fill their cup and bring joy or healthy relaxation into their lives.  Even if you don’t have to unpack too many painful childhood memories, or need to constrain your urge to yell, we all need to prioritize our own wellbeing.  Scheduling time to foster hobbies, be playful, move our bodies, and nourish our souls can’t wait until the kids are grown.  

     “When I first met Laura, she seemed grounded and happy.  After years of parenting her young son, she was frustrated and feeling trapped.  We talked about what she loves to do and how she could schedule those things into her life.  Horseback riding brings her joy.  She made plans to ride twice per month and it has changed her perspective on mountain living during a pandemic.  She now believes she can once again bring her best self into her parenting.  Taking care of Laura is one way she also takes care of her son.”   

     

    The next Mountain Strong Families session on March 11th will cover how to “Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children.”  You can learn more about this positive parenting approach by joining the Mountain Strong Families Facebook Group. 

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

    

      Has your child screamed at you recently or called their sibling names?   Have you experienced your child melting down as soon as they get home from school?  Is your child often irritable and anxious?  They may just need some help knowing how to manage uncomfortable emotions.  

     Kristina Scully, from ThePathway2Success.com, summarizes strategies that our children need to know to get through life.  Coping skills are the supports that help children and young adults manage tough emotions.  Kids are still learning how to manage their emotions.  They are constantly deciding which strategies help them soothe themselves.  If we want kids to use healthy coping strategies (instead of zoning out on screens, numbing themselves with food or substances, or stuffing their feelings), we have to teach them how.

     Research shows that just teaching healthy strategies once is not enough.  In order for children to effectively use these skills and tools to calm down when they are upset, they need to commit them to memory.  Practicing skills before upset feelings occur helps to create the neural pathways which support the child when they will need it most.  Here are 16 different healthy strategies that allow children to feel, express, and regulate their emotions:  

1.  Mindful Morning Moment.  Use this simple 5,4,3,2,1 mindfulness exercise to start off the day with your child.  Or, use it at any time of day when your child is beginning to get upset.  

2.  Create a Coping Strategies Menu.  Help kids understand their options for coping skills.  Use this coping strategies list to help kids brainstorm their own list.  Try out a bunch of the strategies to see which ones work the best for different emotions and for each person.  

3.  Utilize Nature to Balance the Nervous System.  Spend time outside (or just gaze out the window) to observe the beauty of nature.  Watching wildlife can reduce stress, improve focus, and promote feelings of calm.  Or, help your child use their senses in the outdoors ~  smell a pine cone or the fresh mountain air, sift dirt or rub tree bark, listen silently to the birds, leaves, or wind.  If you can't get outside to watch wildlife, the next best thing is watching a live cam of any animal your child adores.  

            

4.  Do regular Emotion Check-Ins with your child.  Teach children how to PAUSE, ask how they feel, identify emotions, and move forward by identifying underlying needs.  

5.  Color or Draw.  Children and adults find calmness by coloring or drawing a picture of what they are feeling inside. 

6. Practice Mindfulness.  Activities like slow, deep breathing and guided visualizations  help kids feel calm and in control.  By focusing on the inhales and exhales of our breath, it can help restore calm and focus. Mindful breathing is one of the best techniques to try.  Utilize these "breathing boards" to trace while slowing your breath, or give some of these calming apps a try ~  Breathe2Relax,  Calm, Personal Zen, and Pacifica.

 

7.  Create Self Affirmations. Grab a notebook or just a piece of paper and help your child write out compliments about themselves. This helps a child focus on the positives while clearing the mind.

8.  Listen (or dance) to Music.   Listening to music is a highly individualized strategy. Try different types of music and take note of how you feel.  Develop a playlist with your child that helps them feel through their sadness, anger, disappointment, worry.

9.  Read for pleasure.  Reading for pleasure can help us feel cozy and calm. Help find the right reading material for your child; this can be anything from a picture book about emotions or friendship issues to a magazine, or a classic chapter book they are interested in.

 

10.  Exercise, Move, or do Yoga Stretches.  When we feel either angry or stressed, we need to move the extra energy out of our bodies in order to feel calmer.  Shooting some hoops, walking, jumping jacks and pushups all balance our nervous system.  Research has shown that practicing yoga increases levels of GABA in our bodies. This amino acid fights against feelings of depression while creating feelings of calm. There are many videos (like this Yoga for kids Youtube channel) to help you get started.

11. Write it out.  Writing in a journal helps get thoughts out in a safe way. Sometimes, just by writing thoughts out, you can learn to make sense of things in a different way.  Buy or create a cool journal that your child can use to process their feelings regularly.

 

12.  Build Something to Show How you Feel.  Use blocks, Legos, or any other tool to build something. Kids can create freely, or build something based on how they are feeling.

13. Use a Fidget.  Fidgets are tools that can help calm the body and mind. While they are fun, it’s important to first teach that these are not toys when we use them to get calm – instead, they are tools. Some favorites includes putty, kinetic sand, liquid timers, and stress balls.

14. Use Brainteasers, Riddles, or Jokes.  Brainteasers and riddles encourage us to think outside the box and challenge our minds. This can be a healthy brain break to reduce stress and refocus the brain in a positive way.  Laughing helps trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, sending out feel-good vibes and reducing stress. Try watching “try not to laugh” videos together or make up your own joke book.

15. Talk it Out.  For some people, talking can be a healthy reset when they are feeling sad or stressed. Talking about topics unrelated to that actual problem can actually be a great way to start because it serves as a quick distraction.  Or, having someone listen to how you are feeling and what you are needing can move mountains as they empathize with and validate your inner world.  

16.  Make a Gratitude List.   Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools when you are feeling down. Try making a list of something you’re thankful for with every letter of the alphabet. 

     The above mentioned strategies demonstrate that there are a variety of coping tools which can balance our nervous system and help us feel calmer and ready to fix whatever is bugging us.  Practicing the six general types of strategies will help your child know which ones work the best for them:

a.  Using your senses indoors or in nature.

b.  Deep breathing and mindfulness practices.

c.  Right brain musical and artistic exercises.

d.  Finding the words to express yourself.

e.  Moving the chemical energy out of your body.

f.   Distracting yourself temporarily with puzzles, jokes, laughter.  

     Consider setting up a cozy Calming Corner somewhere in your home.  Along with your child, find helpful objects and tools to place in the corner.  Help your child know when to advocate for themselves to use these tools when they are feeling upset.  This is not a "time out" space where children are punished for having feelings.  This is a place to express their inner world of emotions, thoughts, and needs and to regulate themselves (or co-regulate with you) in preparation for working through their challenges.  

Parenting ~ You Don't Have To Do This Alone.

 

          As the winter winds gusted through the foothills, several dozen local parents piled upon their couches in front of their fireplaces and "tuned in."  They connected virtually during the interactive Mountain Strong Families Series hosted by TEENS, Inc.  January 21st kicked off the first virtual session of Raising Whole Human Beings.  Four more monthly sessions will follow.

     TEENS, Inc Parenting Educator, Angie Sands, shared how she raised her son as a young, single mom.  She remembers searching out resources to build her confidence and skills, and to strengthen her relationship with her son.  Like the mountain parents gathered online, she realized she needed to surround herself with the strength and experiences of other parents to raise her own son well.

     Sands began this current Mountain Strong Families Series with helping us think about what behaviors we find challenging in our children, then helping us to reframe those behaviors into positive qualities we hope our children will one day exhibit.  Parents were then asked to think about the skills they will need to explicitly teach if they want their children to develop those very qualities.  Each family set some personal goals for their children.  

 

What qualities do you want

to see your child(ren) develop?

All parents want to raise children who are whole and healthy, but a lot of things can get in the way of that. One of the best scientific predictors for how well any child turns out is whether at least one adult is emotionally attuned to and consistently shows up for them. "Showing up" goes beyond the basics of functional parenting ~ where someone feeds, clothes, transports their child, and gets them to do their homework. "Showing up" is about intentionally being present with our child. It's about regularly connecting to the child's inner world in order to strengthen the ties between parent and child.

     The four building blocks for raising healthy children have been laid out by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD in their book, The Power of Showing Up.  Children who feel like they are seen, soothed, safe, and secure form a connected relationship with their caregiver and learn to thrive.  We parents were asked to reflect upon which adult in our own childhood saw and understood our inner world, made us feel safe, soothed our emotional reactions, and repaired the relationship when ruptures occurred?  It might have been a parent, or a relative, coach, neighbor, teacher or elder who showed up through thick and thin.  These nurturing relationships helped shape how our brains developed -- either becoming integrated or remaining dysregulated and reactive.  

     Who in your life helped you feel

seen, soothed, safe, and secure?

Parents at the MSF session were given four principles to ensure we become this solid, secure base for our children. The four parenting principles include:

a. Intentional activities that help us CONNECT daily with our child,

b. Focusing on the CAREGIVER'S WELLBEING,

c. CHASING THE WHY behind our child's behavior so we respond to their needs and emotions, and

d. Serving as a COACH to explicitly teach emotion-regulation and social skills rather than punishing our child for not having these skills yet.

Children who consistently have a caregiver show up in these ways, learn to trust in and relate to others, feel comfortable in their own bodies and with their feelings, and respond to their emotions, relationships, and life challenges without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Children who don't feel secure, build brains that are more likely to react to other people with drama, neediness, or demands. Recent neuroscience research shows how our relationship with our children helps determine how their brains actually form and whether they will feel whole or insecure throughout their lives. However, it is never too late to develop these healthy pathways in our child's brain.

Angie, the facilitator, offered three key parenting skills for filling our child's need for connection and teaching social-emotional skills that will serve children for a life time. First off, every parent was asked to designate 10-15 minutes per day participating in child-directed play or "special time" with each of their children. By playing and observing closely what our child imagines, creates, or is absorbed in, and by using descriptive commentary to let them know we see their inner world, we are building the foundation for a secure, attached relationship with our child.

A second parenting strategy is to make sure we are intentionally affirming our children 5 - 10 times more than we correct, redirect, or critique their behaviors. It's easy to get into the rut of constantly correcting our child's missteps, but the adult's critical voice soon becomes the child's inner voice. We want our children to believe in their self-worth, because children who feel good about themselves are more likely to interact with others in healthy ways.

Thirdly, parents were challenged to find simple ways of connecting with our children throughout the regular routines of the day. For instance, purposely turning off cell phones in the evening and having dinner conversations about "how were you kind today?" or "how were you brave today?" Parents of older kids might begin a conversation journal with their child to pass back and forth with each other. There are endless ways for weaving connection activities into our regular morning and evening routines that do not take more time. They just take our focus and intention.

After setting our own intentions regarding these strategies, we were asked to notice over the next month how our relationship with our children (and our children's behavior) is affected by these efforts. Whether you are attending the virtual Mountain Strong Families Series or not, you can set your intentions to improve daily bonding with your child. And you can find additional resources regarding these parenting strategies on the new Mountain Strong Families Facebook page. Next month, we will focus on "Nurturing Ourselves on the Parenting Journey." Until then, Happy Parenting!