During the first parenting session of “Raising Whole Human Beings”, facilitator Angie Sands addressed how to meaningfully connect with our children in order to forge a strong attachment between parent and child. “After spending the last month focusing on child-directed play and being totally present with my child for 10 -15 minutes each day, my child is absolutely thrilled! He now asks for ‘special time’ with me nearly every day,” one dad reflected. A mom who has been attending the Mountain Strong Families parenting series added, “I feel more in-tune with my kids. I’m noticing more joy and less family conflict.” If we want to make sure our children have strong social emotional skills, we need to start with building a rock solid foundation with them, despite our busy schedules. Finding concrete ways to connect on a daily basis produces kids who are resilient in the long run and more likely to listen to us in the short term, says Dr. Dan Siegel, author of “No Drama Discipline."
The second Mountain Strong Families session, on February 18th, focused on the wellbeing of parents. Siegel’s extensive research has shown that the #1 predictor of a child “turning out well” is their caretaker’s self understanding. Three topics were addressed to assist parents in developing a greater understanding of their triggers, their ability to self regulate, and identifying any unmet needs that get in the way of being their best selves.
Parents began by listing behaviors that make them angry with their children. Everything from “does the opposite of what I ask”, “talks back”, yells “I hate you!”, to “he ignores me” or “the kids constantly fight” were mentioned as ongoing irritants that can cause parents to see “red”. We were encouraged to chase the reasons behind our anger. What childhood experiences and emotional wounds bubble up when we interact with our own children? Did we have to stuff our hurt feelings as a child? How are feelings of rejection, disrespect, or shame impacting us today as we raise our kids?
Brene’ Brown, a researcher studying feelings of shame, has uncovered adult behaviors that seem to derive from our own painful experiences in childhood. “We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history,” she learned. We may need to work through some old memories, and quit trying to numb our pain, in order to show up the way we want to be with our kids. Diana Underhill, from Tadasana Mountain Yoga studio, led the group in an exercise to check-in with our bodies in order to become aware of emotional baggage we may be carrying. A list of local counseling resources was also offered to parents wanting to explore more about themselves.
Next, parents practiced three helpful steps for managing their anger when they get frustrated with their child’s behavior. The first step, when we initially begin to get upset with our child, is to (1) stop talking or physically reacting, drop your agenda (i.e. to-do list, schedule, expectation or demand), and take five deep belly breaths to turn off the alarm system in your brain. Secondly, (2) repeat a mantra you have memorized that helps reframe how you are thinking about the situation at hand. Parents chose phrases like ~ “My child isn’t giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time” or “Don’t take it personally.” The third step involves (3) doing an active movement that releases the extra angry or anxious energy in our body. Our brain is urgently pushing us to react, but we can take that energy and quickly dance, push against a wall, do jumping jacks, or walk out of the room and splash cold water on our face to practice the pause before responding to our children. “I like these concrete ideas for how to take a moment so I can respond instead of having a knee jerk reaction to my children," commented one mom. Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids, believes practicing these daily anger management strategies for 12 weeks will build the new neural pathways for calmly responding to our children instead of yelling at them.
Finally, parents explored the variety of human needs we each require to have a sense of wellbeing. We can often feel irritable, resentful and exhausted while caring for our children because some of our basic needs are not being attended to. Parents completed a “love languages” quiz to determine their preferences for feeling loved. Consider how you can use the gestures that make you feel loved to provide care for yourself rather than relying on someone else. Parents took their favorite love languages and created a self care action plan that illuminated their desire for either more affirmations, acts of service, gifts of love, loving touch, or desire for more quality time. Parents brainstormed specific activities that would fulfill their intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, social, and creative needs. They were also encouraged to write themselves a daily permission slip to take something off of their to-do list. Every day, I’ll do these two things (______ and ______) to nurture myself. Every week, I’ll schedule in time to do this:_____. At least once a month, I’ll make plans to ______. Parents took time to intentionally plan how to show themselves more self compassion.
Ignoring our own needs, or waiting for someone else to fulfill them, does not produce caregivers who feel whole. Doing errands and taking a shower should not be considered self-care. They are necessary chores and grooming activities. Instead, parents selected activities that really fill their cup and bring joy or healthy relaxation into their lives. Even if you don’t have to unpack too many painful childhood memories, or need to constrain your urge to yell, we all need to prioritize our own wellbeing. Scheduling time to foster hobbies, be playful, move our bodies, and nourish our souls can’t wait until the kids are grown.
“When I first met Laura, she seemed grounded and happy. After years of parenting her young son, she was frustrated and feeling trapped. We talked about what she loves to do and how she could schedule those things into her life. Horseback riding brings her joy. She made plans to ride twice per month and it has changed her perspective on mountain living during a pandemic. She now believes she can once again bring her best self into her parenting. Taking care of Laura is one way she also takes care of her son.”
The next Mountain Strong Families session on March 11th will cover how to “Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children.” You can learn more about this positive parenting approach by joining the Mountain Strong Families Facebook Group.
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