Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

    

      Has your child screamed at you recently or called their sibling names?   Have you experienced your child melting down as soon as they get home from school?  Is your child often irritable and anxious?  They may just need some help knowing how to manage uncomfortable emotions.  

     Kristina Scully, from ThePathway2Success.com, summarizes strategies that our children need to know to get through life.  Coping skills are the supports that help children and young adults manage tough emotions.  Kids are still learning how to manage their emotions.  They are constantly deciding which strategies help them soothe themselves.  If we want kids to use healthy coping strategies (instead of zoning out on screens, numbing themselves with food or substances, or stuffing their feelings), we have to teach them how.

     Research shows that just teaching healthy strategies once is not enough.  In order for children to effectively use these skills and tools to calm down when they are upset, they need to commit them to memory.  Practicing skills before upset feelings occur helps to create the neural pathways which support the child when they will need it most.  Here are 16 different healthy strategies that allow children to feel, express, and regulate their emotions:  

1.  Mindful Morning Moment.  Use this simple 5,4,3,2,1 mindfulness exercise to start off the day with your child.  Or, use it at any time of day when your child is beginning to get upset.  

2.  Create a Coping Strategies Menu.  Help kids understand their options for coping skills.  Use this coping strategies list to help kids brainstorm their own list.  Try out a bunch of the strategies to see which ones work the best for different emotions and for each person.  

3.  Utilize Nature to Balance the Nervous System.  Spend time outside (or just gaze out the window) to observe the beauty of nature.  Watching wildlife can reduce stress, improve focus, and promote feelings of calm.  Or, help your child use their senses in the outdoors ~  smell a pine cone or the fresh mountain air, sift dirt or rub tree bark, listen silently to the birds, leaves, or wind.  If you can't get outside to watch wildlife, the next best thing is watching a live cam of any animal your child adores.  

            

4.  Do regular Emotion Check-Ins with your child.  Teach children how to PAUSE, ask how they feel, identify emotions, and move forward by identifying underlying needs.  

5.  Color or Draw.  Children and adults find calmness by coloring or drawing a picture of what they are feeling inside. 

6. Practice Mindfulness.  Activities like slow, deep breathing and guided visualizations  help kids feel calm and in control.  By focusing on the inhales and exhales of our breath, it can help restore calm and focus. Mindful breathing is one of the best techniques to try.  Utilize these "breathing boards" to trace while slowing your breath, or give some of these calming apps a try ~  Breathe2Relax,  Calm, Personal Zen, and Pacifica.

 

7.  Create Self Affirmations. Grab a notebook or just a piece of paper and help your child write out compliments about themselves. This helps a child focus on the positives while clearing the mind.

8.  Listen (or dance) to Music.   Listening to music is a highly individualized strategy. Try different types of music and take note of how you feel.  Develop a playlist with your child that helps them feel through their sadness, anger, disappointment, worry.

9.  Read for pleasure.  Reading for pleasure can help us feel cozy and calm. Help find the right reading material for your child; this can be anything from a picture book about emotions or friendship issues to a magazine, or a classic chapter book they are interested in.

 

10.  Exercise, Move, or do Yoga Stretches.  When we feel either angry or stressed, we need to move the extra energy out of our bodies in order to feel calmer.  Shooting some hoops, walking, jumping jacks and pushups all balance our nervous system.  Research has shown that practicing yoga increases levels of GABA in our bodies. This amino acid fights against feelings of depression while creating feelings of calm. There are many videos (like this Yoga for kids Youtube channel) to help you get started.

11. Write it out.  Writing in a journal helps get thoughts out in a safe way. Sometimes, just by writing thoughts out, you can learn to make sense of things in a different way.  Buy or create a cool journal that your child can use to process their feelings regularly.

 

12.  Build Something to Show How you Feel.  Use blocks, Legos, or any other tool to build something. Kids can create freely, or build something based on how they are feeling.

13. Use a Fidget.  Fidgets are tools that can help calm the body and mind. While they are fun, it’s important to first teach that these are not toys when we use them to get calm – instead, they are tools. Some favorites includes putty, kinetic sand, liquid timers, and stress balls.

14. Use Brainteasers, Riddles, or Jokes.  Brainteasers and riddles encourage us to think outside the box and challenge our minds. This can be a healthy brain break to reduce stress and refocus the brain in a positive way.  Laughing helps trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, sending out feel-good vibes and reducing stress. Try watching “try not to laugh” videos together or make up your own joke book.

15. Talk it Out.  For some people, talking can be a healthy reset when they are feeling sad or stressed. Talking about topics unrelated to that actual problem can actually be a great way to start because it serves as a quick distraction.  Or, having someone listen to how you are feeling and what you are needing can move mountains as they empathize with and validate your inner world.  

16.  Make a Gratitude List.   Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools when you are feeling down. Try making a list of something you’re thankful for with every letter of the alphabet. 

     The above mentioned strategies demonstrate that there are a variety of coping tools which can balance our nervous system and help us feel calmer and ready to fix whatever is bugging us.  Practicing the six general types of strategies will help your child know which ones work the best for them:

a.  Using your senses indoors or in nature.

b.  Deep breathing and mindfulness practices.

c.  Right brain musical and artistic exercises.

d.  Finding the words to express yourself.

e.  Moving the chemical energy out of your body.

f.   Distracting yourself temporarily with puzzles, jokes, laughter.  

     Consider setting up a cozy Calming Corner somewhere in your home.  Along with your child, find helpful objects and tools to place in the corner.  Help your child know when to advocate for themselves to use these tools when they are feeling upset.  This is not a "time out" space where children are punished for having feelings.  This is a place to express their inner world of emotions, thoughts, and needs and to regulate themselves (or co-regulate with you) in preparation for working through their challenges.