Helping Children Feel Safe

 

   

      Throughout the Mountain Strong Families Series hosted by TEENS, Inc, parents are learning about the latest brain research by Dr. Dan Siegel (conveyed in No Drama Discipline).  His research found that children need four things to become whole human beings and thrive in this world ~ to feel Seen, Soothed, Safe, and Secure.  At the April workshop, parents gathered to discuss how to help their child process the recent tragedy in Boulder and feel safe on a daily basis.  

     In general, psychologists recommend avoiding the topic of violent tragedies if your child is under eight years old, unless they hear about the incident from friends, adult conversations, or the news.  Here are some valuable tips for parents who want to be the ones to help their child process fearful things and make sense of their world:

     Find ways to grieve and work out your feelings before discussing the incident with your child.  You need to be their sturdy rock when the world can feel unstable.  Then prepare for the conversation by thinking of a simple one-sentence storyline that summarizes what happened.  Stop and really think about what beliefs, values, and emotions you want your child to glean from this tragic event.  Hone your message because it will become their takeaway.  Consider whether you want to tell your child that there are bad people or that sometimes people commit harmful acts.  Will you suggest that your child always be on their guard or that they should always be compassionate?  Are you tapping into their sense of helplessness or are you helping your child be solution-oriented in what you say?

     Shield children under eight from the news.  The visuals will be extremely difficult for them to process.  Before sharing your storyline, first ask what they have heard.  See what questions they have.  Listen to how your child is feeling.  Talk about emotions, not just details.  Help your child notice all the helpers who stepped up during and after this tragedy.  This focus reassures your child that even in dark times, there is light, hope, and love in our world.  

     With middle and high schoolers, go beyond what happened to address cause and effect thinking.  Help empower your child to actively work on solutions to this problem.  Ask "What would you like to do?   What can we do together?"  Help your child move from feeling like everything happens to them to realizing they can be agents of social change.  

     Family rules, limits, routines, and rituals also create a sense of order and predictability in a child's life.  But if we want children to internalize our values and learn positive social skills, they have to feel safe with us.  Kids may comply to our directives out of fear when we threaten and yell, but they will lack the self-control and decision-making skills to do right when adults aren't present.  Or, kids may continue to be impulsive and disrespectful if we have not provided them with clear boundaries and structures in their life.

 

     The key is to be empathetic while offering clear behavioral boundaries.  Even then, it is normal for kids to not comply with our requests a third of the time.  But parents can up our chances for cooperation by allowing for and validating our child's emotional reaction when they don't like our rule.  We can also create safety by being aware of our nonverbal communication.  Children feel safer when we get down at their eye level.  Cooperation is more likely when we purposely calm our tone of voice, soften our body, and decrease the intensity and volume with which we are conveying displeasure with their behavior.

     By responding with empathy and safety, we are wiring our child's brain to expect that their needs will be met (but not necessarily their wishes), so there is no reason not to cooperate with limits, i.e.  "Let's find a way for you to throw somewhere else since we don't throw balls in the house." 

     Here are some specific strategies for placing kind but firm limits on our children:  

     a.  Give transition time.  For instance, "What page are you on?  Ok, finish that page and then set the table.  We are ready to eat." 

     b.  Use few words instead of lecturing. 

     c.  Use a positive redirect.  Explicitly state what the child CAN do instead of using a stop command to tell them what they can't do, i.e. "Tell your sister, 'It's my turn now' instead of saying "Don't grab!"  Children often lack the skills to do things another way unless we explicitly teach positive social skills. 

     d. Use when/then phrasing instead of nagging, threatening or bribing your children. For instance, "The sooner X happens; the sooner Y can happen."  

     e.  Offer acceptable choices, i.e. "It's time to clean up.  What song should we clean up to? "  Or, "It's time to leave.  Do you want to wear your sandals or your shoes today?"  

     f.  Involve your child's thinking brain in problem-solving with you, i.e. "I've noticed we have a lot of fights about getting ready for school on time.  What ideas do you have to make this go better?"

     Expect resistance from your children when you set limits, but ignore their rude or personal attacks.  Children may spew out the most disrespectful thing they can think of, so you'll know how upset they are.  Rather than reacting to their words or attitude, just say, "Ouch.  You must be upset to say that to me.  Tell me why you're yelling.  I'm listening."   Validate it when your child finds it hard to follow a limit, i.e. "I can see this is really hard for you."  There really is an effective way to stop being ignored or consistently challenged.  These strategies create order and stability in our homes through empathetically enforcing clear boundaries.  

     Finally, parents learned that it takes 25-plus years for children's brains to learn how to organize their time, possessions, and responsibilities.  One of the best ways to support a child's higher order thinking abilities is to create a visual chart (pictures plus verbs) for challenging activities.  Weekday mornings, homework time, and getting kids to bed seem to be some of the most stressful moments of a family's day.  Instead of constantly being frustrated with the child's inability to complete a task, figure out how to break tasks into smaller steps, place them in logical order, build independence, and help children organize and manage their time and materials with a routine chart and a launching pad by the door.  Instead of constantly repeating yourself, point to the chart, saying, "You finished breakfast, what's next on your list?"

     Young children thrive when there are consistent morning and bedtime routines; teenagers blossom when they can follow a list for completing and turning in assignments.  Families can also practice rituals (gratitude at meal time, reassuring goodnight songs and stories, a fun re-unification practice after school, or a morning snuggle before rising) that produce predictability, meaning and connection for everyone in the family.  For more ideas, join the Mountain Strong Families Facebook group.

     When there isn't much structure at home, children feel overwhelmed and tense.  Their behavior will indicate that everything feels out of control.  On the other hand, when authority figures impose their will and rigid rules on a child, the child's behavior becomes defensive and rebellious.  In contrast, with empathetic limit setting, routines and rituals, a child feels safe, and their thinking and feeling brain are able to integrate.  Life has a flow.  They are both energetic and at ease; able to handle whatever challenges come their way.

     "We really value these sessions," said one couple, "and it's so beautiful to know other local families are collectively joining together to raise amazing human beings."   

     "I've taken several training sessions from Conscious Discipline that are similar to the Mountain Strong Families Series, but they are very costly," noted another parent.  Thankfully, "this free series is a community resource for all parents," she added.   For more information about this annual Series, contact ann@teensinc.org