Monday, March 15, 2021

We begin to heal the moment we feel understood

 



          At the March session of Mountain Strong Families, one parent acknowledged that parenting their children often felt overwhelming.  A chorus of other Mountain Strong parents chimed in with these empathetic responses:

     I know parenting is so difficult, we all struggle, we're all in the same boat.

     What you are doing is really hard and takes patience, effort and focus.  It's not easy, but you're still doing it.

     Give yourself some grace.  Have you made time to care for yourself?  Can I watch your kids for a bit so you can take care of your needs?   What else can I do so you can breathe and take a minute to yourself?  

     Tell me more about what is going on for you.  You are not alone.  We're here for you.

And so, we gathered once more to strengthen our family relationships and learn practical strategies for raising emotionally intelligent children, surrounded by a group of parents willing to listen and learn together.  

    Local therapist, Kimberly Bryant, explained how a child's developing brain naturally "flips its lid" as our children learn how to express themselves and eventually integrate their thinking brain with their emotional limbic system.  We now know it takes 25+ yeas for the thoughtful, compassionate part of our brains to fully develop.  Our role as parents is to serve as the child's prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) -- helping them to articulate, regulate, and pause to think through choices.



     To this end, parents were encouraged to develop their child's awareness of emotions by intentionally expanding their emotional vocabulary.  If everything that happens to your child makes them "mad", then they don't realize the subtle differences between frustration, disappointment, grief, loneliness, hurt, nervousness, and embarrassment.  The Inuit have 50 different words for varieties of snow.  Our children should know that many words for the different emotions they feel.  We can play feelings charades, discuss character's emotions in books and movies, and use lots of big emotion words with children.  Does your child understand what it means to feel discombobulated or disoriented?  

     We can also help connect our child's emotions to the physical sensations produced by their body.  Ask your child, "what is your body (heart, breath, energy level) telling you right now?"  Do you notice extra energy in your body (anxiety)?  Are your jaw, arms or fists tightening up (anger)?  Do your feet feel like dancing (excited)?  Does your heart feel warm and full (loved or content)?




     We can help our child understand that underneath every emotion is a need.  Uncomfortable emotions are caused by unmet needs (or the perception there of).  Comfortable emotions occur when our needs are met.  When children become irritable and uncooperative, we learned to H.A.L.T. and figure out if our child is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  Using preventative measures (snacks, down time, hugs, adequate sleep, support) and addressing these barriers will significantly shift a child's mood.  

     To develop children's emotional awareness, we need to model what this looks like in our own lives.  At different times throughout our day, we can fill in this sentence and share it with our children:

     "When I notice my body is (sensation)... I realize I'm feeling (emotion)... and I need to (coping strategy or relish the feeling)..."




     Children regularly lash out, act out, and have big emotions when their brains are dysregulated; automatically triggering their fight or flight reactions.  We parents can help rewire their brains from a default reactive mode into a regulated state by responding with empathy to their harsh words and difficult behaviors.  Our children will start to heal (and integrate their brains) the moment they feel understood.  The way we respond to our children either helps to regulate, escalate, or stuff what they are feeling inside.  We practiced ~

     a.  helping children feel safe by communicating with a calm tone, body language, and intensity. (Getting down to their eye level instead of towering over a child makes a huge difference.)

     b.  listening to and validating their level of emotion and uncovering the feelings behind their words and actions.

     c.  responding with empathy before addressing the behavior or trying to teach a lesson.  "It sounds like you're feeling ____ when ____ because you want/need ____.  Is that right?"

     One mom had an "ah-hah" moment when she realized how angry she got when her older child was rough with the younger sibling.  After using the steps above, she realized her oldest was feeling lonely and neglected.  This insight led to a very different solution to the situation.




     Finally, after children begin to develop an awareness of their emotions and needs, they may still need our assistance practicing how to pause to let their thinking brain integrate with their feelings.  None of us can think clearly, learn from our mistakes, or problem solve until we have regulated ourselves.  Traditionally, parents have sent kids into timeout to calm down, but this approach can leave kids feeling abandoned at exactly the moment they need us to teach them how to de-escalate their strong reactions.

     Does your child know which healthy calming strategies work for them while in different emotional states?  "My 7-year-old son refuses to breathe deeply when I ask him to," said one mom.  While mindful deep breathing techniques have been proven to get us out of our dysregulated state, drawing, journaling, movement, stress balls, using our senses, being in nature, music or puzzles may be your child's go-to when upset.  Practice these strategies when your child is calm and then encourage your child to use them when they realize they are about to "flip their lid."




     If we can help our children feel like their inner world of emotions and needs are seen, that it is safe to express any emotion, and help them practice healthy strategies for integrating their brain and regaining control, we will have prepared them to take on life's challenges with strength and resilience.  

     As parents we can help our kids make sense of their lives and memories with a story that retells their emotions from the day in a warm and nonjudgmental way.  My dad used to tell me and my siblings "The Adventures of Hoot, Scoot, and Annie" as he tucked us in.  Other families take turns sharing their "rose and thorn" moments from the day at dinner time.  This is a perfect opportunity to respond with empathy to these tender and joyful disclosures.  For we all just want to be seen, soothed, and feel safe sharing who we are.

     For more information about the Mountain Strong Families Series, contact ann@teensinc.org 





     

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