Simple Ways to Connect to Yourself, your Family, and Your Community (at this time)

     

     Jason and Cecilia Hinkley, HappilyFamily.com, provide ideas for parents who are home with their children for the next forseeable future.  In the midst of all these changes and unsettled emotions, they offer practical ways to Create a Strong Parenting Community.  Let's first consider what we are going through and then review specifc ways to cope and thrive.  

Know first and foremost, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.   The mixture of emotions you are experiencing are shared by nearly every parent who is reading this~ by your neighbors and your friends.   We are more or less in the same boat these days: 

• Most parents are at home with their children all day.  
• Despite the expectation to work at home, the majority of us are not able to work at the same level we did in the past while juggling our parenting responsibilities.  
• Many of us are feeling some level of insecurity about our family's food supply or financial situation.  
• The majority of us are worried about the health of someone in our family.
• Nearly everybody has cancelled their social plans and some level of disappointment has ensued.  

To top it off, our "cavewoman" brain is working overtime to generate our stress reaction.  In times of high stress, emotions like fear, anxiety and panic diminish our mental resources and ability to think clearly, make healthy decisions and behave prosocially and productively.  Chronic stress impairs our ability to function well and impacts the quality of our relationships.  Feeling insecure or inadequate?   Here's why.  Our reptilian brain flips us into a reactive, stressed out mode when four major things happen. And in this current situation, all four of these conditions may be triggering you into a default mode of hypersensitivity:

     1.  Humans need to feel physically safe to feel emotionally grounded.  We become irritable and stressed out when we are concerned about our own and our loved one's safety.  And unfortunately, our brains don't assess these safety risks accurately, according to The Science of Fear.  We hear the nonstop statistics about folks testing positive, and those whose lives have been taken, and our brain doubles down on it's fight or flight reaction.  (For instance, after watching endless footage of the 9/11 airplane attacks, Americans incorrectly assumed car travel was safer than air travel.  In the year following 9/11, more people chose to travel in cars rather than fly and an additional 3000 were killed in auto crashes.)  We need to take heed of how to prevent the continued spread of the virus, but if we continue to believe we are physically threatened, it is hard to stop the stress reaction in our bodies.  We may make poor or impulsive  choices in reaction to this fear.

     2.  Humans feel at their best when life is fairly predictable.  After a day or so of  hanging out at home, our children are craving some sense of normalcy.   We, too, need some certainty to feel grounded.  When we don't have some sort of predictable routine or schedule to follow, humans naturally become rigid in an attempt to control a loosy-goosy situation.  Soon after spring break, the schools will be providing some online lessons and activities for students (or delivering lessons and devices to your door).  Until then, helping your child create a flexible routine for each day (with some fun things to look forward to).  This will damper down their reactions to boredom from a fairly unstructured environment.  

     3.  Humans need to sense there is congruency in their world.  When our own body language and words don't match, our children pick up on the disconnect in this dishonesty.  When we tell them "everything is fine" but our body language and actions reak of stress, it triggers their fight or flight reaction.   When our government downplays the situation at the same time the scientific community says to prepare for the worst, it triggers our own strong emotional reaction to the situation.  It is more honest and real to admit to children, "This is hard.  It is difficult to change all our plans and do without some things.  Staying at home may make you feel bored, angry, sad, or disappointed, but we are gonna get through this.  I may seem stressed at times trying to figure all this out, but we'll survive, and we're gonna have to work to forgive each other if we end up snapping at each other some times.  We're all going to have to pull together and come up with some creative ways to deal with our time at home.   I'll do my best and I hope you will too."

    4.  Humans need realistic expectations to strive for.  When the expectations for parents and children are too high in trying times, it creates additional stress.  The "shoulds" of continuing to work while juggling childcare duties, the "shoulds" of creating nonstop quality childcare opportunities, the "shoulds" of constantly disinfecting all high touch surfaces.... all add to our stress levels.  Stop and reconsider which "shoulds" you can give some slack to in order to limit your sense of overwhelm.  Help young ones understand the new normal expectations in this sweet story:  The Little Gnome that had to Stay Home

 Consider how you can weave these ideas

 into your life....

4 Simple Ways to Connect to Yourself, your Family, and your Community:

1.  CO-REGULATION ~   Our brains have "mirror neurons" which copy the emotional energy of others around us.  The best way to reduce big emotions in your children is to keep yourself calm and centered...so their brains will slowly regulate.  Make sure you are choosing some of your favorite healthy calming strategies daily while barricaded in your home ~  bubble baths, hot tea, dance music,  read-alouds,  meditation, nature hikes.  Take time to list or mention the things you are grateful for.  This practice, even in the midst of chaos, deliberately calms our stress reaction and connects us back to our best selves.  

REMEMBER:  
Getting Outdoors isn't cancelled.  
Music isn't cancelled.
  Family isn't cancelled.  
Reading isn't cancelled.  
Singing isn't cancelled.  
Hope isn't cancelled.  

2.  CREATE NORMAL ROUTINES ~  Rather than making rigid schedules, enlist your children in creating a daily routine that you try to follow.  Help children know what to expect each day.  Families can also continue their child's morning mindfulness routine at Nederland Elementary School.  Go to This is Reboot and get the free app for 7 days.  

     3.  GO OUTSIDE as much as possible.  Nature heals.  Nature inspires.  Fresh air changes your mood.  It is no wonder that our schools begin the day with recess and take numerous outdoor breaks  throughout the day.   Need ideas to encourage outdoor exploration?  130+ FREE Outdoor Learning Activities for Kids Unexpectedly Stuck at Home

     4.  SOCIALIZING BOOSTS YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM.  Social distancing does not mean social isolation.  Humans desire connection as much as we need air and water.  Rethink how to get your daily dose of positive people time ~

         a.  Make sure you have a Listening Partnership.  Find and agree to be a regular 20-minute per day listening partner to someone who is not in your family.  Connect by phone, Facetime, Skype or ZOOM.com  Just listen, don't ask too many questions or try to "fix" someone else's problems.  Just agree to listen, reflect back what was said, and be present with one another.  Contact local counselors if you can't find another parent who can listen you to wholeness again (Nederland Elementary counselors are available at: Kristen Kron 720-549-0293 and Jamie Smalley 303-818-2585).  

         b.  Socialize Outside Together while following social distancing guidelines.  Walk down the street together (on opposite sides).  Garden together.  Make music together from your porches or balconies.  Have two family campfires together while playing harmonicas and kazoos.  Have a picnic in the park on separate blankets.  

         c.  Create Shared Experiences. Call friends during mealtime, tea time, or happy hour.  Play cards online with others.  Conduct group calls with your scout troop or with families from your child's class.  Watch TV separately together while texting each other about the funny or scary parts.  Ask your child's teacher to gather the students with ZOOM.com for their daily class circle time.  Revive the tradition of pen pals with another family; run to the mailbox and see what message has arrived.  Create cards and drawings for elders in nursing homes; mail them to the activity director to dispense.  Be sure to schedule the next time you will connect with others before saying goodbye.  Anticipate the next "get together".  We may be alone, but we don't have to be lonely.

     It may not be easy, but we can do this.  We can still be human during challenging times.  We are resilient people.   We are Mountain Strong.  We are the best parents our children have.  We are each other's community from here on out.

Surviving Spring Break and the Corona Virus

     

     We don't yet know how bad the Corona Virus outbreak will be in the United States and across the world, writes Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com).  But we do know that people with youthful immune systems can handle the virus and recover quickly.  However, our children are not immune to the fear that is swirling around them about this pandemic.  It's our responsibility to both inform and reassure them.  Here's your game plan for talking with kids about the corona virus:

1.  When you talk with kids about a subject that is in the news, always begin by asking them what they've already heard.
This allows you to respond reassuringly to any fears your child is worrying about and correct rumors that aren't true ("No, it's not true that everyone who gets the virus dies; in fact most people get a mild flu and recover quickly.")  Ask your child what they've heard about the virus.  Always start by listening, and acknowledging your child's worries.  

2.  Focus on the helpers.
"Mr." Fred Rogers always helped children deal with worrisome events by talking about all the folks trained to assist us through tough situations.  Yes, there are some scary things in our world AND there will always be folks who help put things back together, i.e. firefighters, healthcare workers, rescue personnel, etc.  In this case, smart & capable scientists and health workers are working to keep the virus contained.  We are lucky in this country to have so many helpful people tackling this problem.  If your child has questions you cannot answer, turn to reliable sources like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention who have a measured, non-alarmist approach to the current situation.  

3.  Turn off your TV.
Every time children hear that there was a death from the virus -- even if this is the same death they heard about yesterday -- it magnifies their fears.  According to Dr. Markham, "children under the age of ten should never watch TV news, which is purposely designed to keep us engaged by scaring us.  The best way to help children work through fear of any kind is play and laughter.  So if your child is acting out more or seems stressed, initiate some roughhousing to get everyone laughing.  Laughter changes the body chemistry~ reducing stress hormones."

4.  Teach hygiene.
Teach kids that this virus spreads when someone who is sick coughs or sneezes.  Their germs can only infect us if they get in our eyes, nose or mouths.  Unfortunately, we humans touch our faces about two dozen times an hour.  This is a great opportunity to discuss and practice "impulse control" with children.  Commiserate about how hard it is to keep your hands off your face.  have children notice how many times they have the impulse to touch their face and how many of those times they are able to notice and stop themselves.   Teach children to compensate by grabbing a tissue to scratch their face.  With light-heartedness and humor, emphasize these healthy habits with your children:

     * Washing hands in hot soapy water for the length of the Alphabet Song to kills germs.
     * Not touching our faces.
     * Sneezing/coughing into our elbows.
     * Using wipes to disinfect surfaces.
     * Not sharing glasses and eating utensils.
     * Staying home when we don't feel well.
     * Getting enough sleep.  (Anyone who has to be awakened in the morning, whether by 
        a parent or an alarm, is not going to bed early enough.)

5.  Empower kids.
Research shows that when we feel frightened or sad in response to news, it's helpful to take some kind of positive action to make things better.  That makes us feel more powerful and less fearful, says Markham.  So talk as a family about how you can make a contribution to keeping everyone healthy by staying healthy yourselves and ...
     * Giving money to a Corona Virus Relief fund to help fight the virus in countries with less developed health care systems.  
     * Supporting your local hospital, for instance, by dropping off new stuffed animals to be delivered to the pediatric ward.  They may not have any patients with the corona virus, but they are on the front lines of helping people who are ill every day.  
     * Sending cards and well wishes to more vulnerable populations in nursing homes.

6.  Work out any worry you have about this BEFORE talking with your kids.  
Because of mirror neurons in our brains, your own attitude will always communicate itself to your child.  Children take their cues from us.  So don't let your children overhear you venting your own fears to other people.  Before you talk with your child about the virus, reassure yourself.  Your child is no less safe than he or she was last week.  The chances of your family getting anything worse than the flu, even if this is an epidemic, are much less than the chances of a car accident, and you get into a car every day, says Markham.  If you have a hard time believing this, it's a red flag that you've exposed yourself too intimately to the news.  Every time you see more news about this issue, you're sending yourself back into fight or flight mode.   You're choosy about who you spend time with.  Be choosy about who you let influence your mindset.   It's our job as parents to manage our own emotions so they don't adversely affect our children.

7.  Make lemonade during a possible quarantine (or spring break!)
It's possible that school will be cancelled or quarantines imposed.  Even if that doesn't happen, health officials say that it's prudent to stay home as much as you can.  Many parents react to this with panic.  The idea of being cooped up endlessly with our children is daunting.  Set up some routines and structures that will help everyone.  Then brainstorm to create a list of enjoyable things to do when you're housebound, some individually and some as a family.  Check out this list of Staycation activities to address boredom during an extended stay at home:  Boredom Busting Activities for Kids.  If you are stocking up on basic food items, also remember to grab some cardboard boxes and craft supplies to allow for creativity and inventions galore!  And playing in nature helps heal us all.

   

Stop, Think, Go! ~ Steps that Resolve Conflicts

     NES students are learning the Steps for collaborative Problem-Solving using this TRAFFIC LIGHT Model -- explained by Jennifer Miller of confidentparentsconfidentkids.org 

     "He messed with my stuff while I was gone! Now my Lego set is broken.  Mooooom!"  cries Zachery about his brother.  Sibling conflict is a common family problem.  Mom could quickly fix this entire situation  ~  "Go help your brother fix his Lego set."  Or, she could help her children learn valuable skills in problem-solving.  These opportunities for practicing critical life skills happen daily if you look for them. 

     Collaborative problem-solving and conflict resolution are not one skill alone but requires a whole host of skills including self-control and stress management, self-awareness of both thoughts and feelings, perspective-taking and empathy, listening and effectively communicating, goal setting, anticipating consequences and evaluating actions. 

     Roger Weissberg, one of the top leaders in the field of social and emotional learning shared the Traffic Light model that he and his colleagues created.  Dr.  Weissber writes that this promotes "consequential thinking."  Children begin to think through the consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act.  And that kind of thinking promotes responsible decision-making.  This training was used to prevent high-risk behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy and violence in the adolescent years.  Imagine if your children were engaged in developing these skills prior to that time of high peer pressure.  They would be ready and prepared with well-rehearsed tools when they are tempted by their friends and you are not there at that moment to protect or guide them. 

     The beauty of the Traffic Light model is in it's simplicity ~

Red Light:  STOP!  Calm down & think before you act.
  No problem-solving or conflict resolution is going to occur, no feelings will be repaired until everyone's intense emotions have subsided.  So take the time you and your children need to calm down.  Breathe your bodies into a more relaxed state.  Slowing down your breathing serves a critical biological function.  It allows those hormones that have surged from your anger to recede.  Your brain is able to think beyond your fight, flight, or freeze mode. You can use easy-to-use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear breathing (see Understanding Anger by Jennifer Miller).  Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces before processing everything that has happened.   Directly address the needs of your Lizard Brain by utilizing regulation strategies before trying to get children to use their thinking "Wizard" brain.   Then....

Yellow Light:  CAUTION. Feel  Communicate Think

     1) Say the Problem and how you feel.  

         Parents can model this by saying, "I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother are arguing.  How are you feeling?"  It helps to have a list of feelings ready so that if your child struggles with coming up with an emotion, he can pick one off of a list that best represents how he's feeling.  This practice alone will expand his feeling's vocabulary and he'll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and communicate his situation.  

     2)  Help your child listen to understand the feelings and needs of others in the situation.

     Teach your child to paraphrase the other's perspective using Reflective Listening skills or to Ask Curious Questions of the other person until your child gets clarity and can empathize with their perspective.  

     3)  Now, set a positive goal.  

     Before moving to "GO", have your child think about what they want for themselves and the others involved.  The goal may be as simple as, "I just want to get along with my brother," or "I want to keep my toys safe."  Weissberg writes that setting a positive goal for kids simply means "How do I want things to end up?"  

     4)  Think of lots of solutions.

     Before jumping to one solution, think of lots.  "I could hide my Legos where my brother can't find them."  "We could agree to ask one another before playing with the other's toys."  "We could promise to repair anything that we break."  Involve all who were a part of the problem to generate solutions.  Children who understand there are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.  

     5)  Think ahead to the consequences.

     Parents can ask, "What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother?  What might happen?"  Think through the realistic consequences with your children of their various solutions -- both short term and long term.  "It may work tomorrow.  But what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom floor?  Then what?"  This is a critical step in helping children think through the outcomes of their choices before making them ~  important practice for later problems when the stakes are higher.

Green Light:  GO!  Try your best plan.

     Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other's toy.  Try it out right away.  See how it works.  If it doesn't work, then talk about it and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work better. 

     Parents can use logical consequences and restorative practices in concert with this model.  For example, if Zachary harmed his brother, then he can generate solutions to repair the relationship.  He may offer a sincere apology.  He may spend time fixing the broken Lego set.  He may help find a place to keep the Lego set safe.  Children need parents' support repairing the harm done; to be accountable for their impulsive and hurtful choices.  They need to know that there are multiple options for not only repairing a physical object but also, repairing hurt feelings.  So brainstorm options together and help kids implement them.  

     ** Students at NES are also learning to repair their relationships and address hurt feelings with the Restorative Practices model championed by Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices Coordinator from TEENS, Inc.

     

Can't get through to your child?

     Students at NES are practicing Empathetic Listening Skills.  No matter what words are shared by their peers, they are listening intently for the underlying feelings and needs being expressed when someone is talking. They are also crafting open-ended, curious questions to further explore what is going on; to understand the other person's point of view.  These learned conversation skills are crucial for working through problems with their friends.

     Likewise, Dr. Laura Markham (Ahaparenting.com)  looks at what has gone wrong in our conversations when we parents feel like we can't get through to our children.

"I've tried everything, but I just can't get through to this child!"

     It's so frustrating when you can't get through to your child, says Markham.  And it makes it almost impossible to parent well, since your child isn't open to your influence.  Happily, children do look to us for love, protection, and guidance, as long as they feel warmly connected to us.  As children develop, they naturally want to explore the world and learn for themselves.  We can't control them -- we can never control another human being, Markham reminds us, -- but as long as we have a good relationship with our child, we have influence.

     So why would a child stop looking to their parent for guidance?  Usually this happens when children begin to think WE aren't listening, or we wouldn't understand, or we just don't care about what matters most to them.

     That doesn't mean we've done something wrong, says Markham.  It might mean your child is strong-willed and an experiential learner, and they just want to do what they want, even if you don't like it.  But still, in that case, they are willing to risk their relationship with you for what they want, and that's a sign that the relationship needs strengthening.  Bottom line:  Our children shut us out when they think they can't get through to us.  Why should they listen when they don't feel heard?  

     So if you want more influence with your child, the "cure" is to strengthen and sweeten your relationship, says Markham.  Or as Stephen Covey famously said,  "Seek first to understand."
    That doesn't mean you just say yes to whatever your child wants.  Mostly, the strength of your relationship depends on whether your child trusts you to understand their perspective, believe in them, and be on their side, no matter what.

     1. Are you willing to listen, to try to see things from your child's perspective?  If so, the child learns that he doesn't get everything he wants, but he gets a parent who understands, no matter what.

    2. Can you set limits with empathy, meaning that you offer understanding of what she wants and why, even when you can't say yes?  If so, the child feels understood even when she doesn't get what she wants, so she accepts limits more readily.

     3. Are you looking for win-win solutions (or do you insist on being right, which by definition means someone else has to be wrong)?  If so, the child learns that in a relationship, we try to make it work for both people.

    4. When you look at your child, do you see mostly positives, no mater what he's done wrong?  If so, the child learns to see himself as good, even when he makes mistakes -- which means he's more likely to "do good."

     Our intention to understand is what helps our child feel safe enough to accept our guidance.  None of us ever change except from a place of safety.

     Of course, extending understanding isn't easy when you're upset.  The key is to calm yourself and get clear on your positive intention before you open your mouth.  Your child may not know what words are going through your mind, but he or she will always feel your intention, says Markham.

    Life with children can sometimes feel like a battle, but our children are never the enemy.  Yes, you are responsible for "teaching" your child to act right.  But kids don't act right when we see them as "wrong."  We need to hold onto a vision of our child's best self for our child to act as that self.  If you can manage you own emotions, you can find the good will and emotional generosity to see your child's perspective.    That doesn't mean that you necessarily agree with their behavior, just that you see your child is struggling, and you want to help them feel better, so they can DO better.  And yes, you can do this even while you set limits on behavior.  Once your child feels you're on their side, rather than out to control them, everything can shift.

      "The key to communication is not what we say, but rather the attitude that lies behind what we say... all of us are telepathically communicating all the time.  Every moment, we are choosing to join or to separate, and the person to whom we're speaking feels what we have chosen, regardless of their words."
                                            -- M. Williamson

   Cecilia and Jason Hilkey (HappyFamily.com) offer additional ideas for parents struggling to get their teenagers to change their behavior:  

     What do you do when your adolescent is spending too much time on a screen?
     Or staying up too late?
     Or behind on homework?
     Or getting sucked into social drama with friends?

     Especially as kids get older, how do we influence them while still maintaining our connection?  How do we give our adolescents practice making their own choices -- and making mistakes -- while still keeping them safe?

     As parents -- if we are not going to resort to punishments or rewards, threats or yelling -- our best bet is to influence our children in positive ways, through our connection with them, and through conversations.  But HOW do we talk to our adolescents?   How do we have a conversation about a "hot topic" that doesn't devolve into us lecturing, and our teen rolling her eyes, rebelling, or sneaking behind our backs?  Is there a technique we can use to help kids change their minds?

     YES!   Motivational Interviewing!  Read more about the four core skills of Motivational Interviewing from Dr. Christine Carter, author of  The New Adolescence.   

      Four core conversation skills (O.A.R.S.) help keep your parent-child relationship afloat and work to change behaviors.  In brief, they are ~

     1.  Open-ended Questions.  Too often parents inadvertently use YES/NO questions to drill children.  Make a conscious effort to frame questions as open-ended so that your child can share more about what is going on from their perspective.   "How do you feel about all this?"  "What do you think the pros and cons are?"  
     2.  Affirmations.  Notice and comment on your child's positive qualities and effort.  Your conversations with your loved ones should include five times as many positive statements as critical comments to create their openness to listening to your point of view.
     3.  Reflection Statements.  Try to accurately mirror back the thoughts and feelings your child shares.  See if you can demonstrate that you "get" them, even if you disagree with what they have said.  
    4.  Summarize the child's position.  "If I understand you correctly....."

Seek first to understand.

     These four core skills are an effective way to talk when your goal is to eventually change someone's  behavior.  See more in the entire chapter in The New Adolescence devoted to Motivational Interviewing~ complete with scripts, details, and examples.   This book is a slam dunk, in so many ways, including the not-to-be-missed chapter about teens smoking pot and drinking.  These core skills are applicable in so many situations with young children, teens, AND adults.