NES students are learning the Steps for collaborative Problem-Solving using this TRAFFIC LIGHT Model -- explained by Jennifer Miller of confidentparentsconfidentkids.org
"He messed with my stuff while I was gone! Now my Lego set is broken. Mooooom!" cries Zachery about his brother. Sibling conflict is a common family problem. Mom could quickly fix this entire situation ~ "Go help your brother fix his Lego set." Or, she could help her children learn valuable skills in problem-solving. These opportunities for practicing critical life skills happen daily if you look for them.
Collaborative problem-solving and conflict resolution are not one skill alone but requires a whole host of skills including self-control and stress management, self-awareness of both thoughts and feelings, perspective-taking and empathy, listening and effectively communicating, goal setting, anticipating consequences and evaluating actions.
Roger Weissberg, one of the top leaders in the field of social and emotional learning shared the Traffic Light model that he and his colleagues created. Dr. Weissber writes that this promotes "consequential thinking." Children begin to think through the consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act. And that kind of thinking promotes responsible decision-making. This training was used to prevent high-risk behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy and violence in the adolescent years. Imagine if your children were engaged in developing these skills prior to that time of high peer pressure. They would be ready and prepared with well-rehearsed tools when they are tempted by their friends and you are not there at that moment to protect or guide them.
The beauty of the Traffic Light model is in it's simplicity ~
Red Light: STOP! Calm down & think before you act.
No problem-solving or conflict resolution is going to occur, no feelings will be repaired until everyone's intense emotions have subsided. So take the time you and your children need to calm down. Breathe your bodies into a more relaxed state. Slowing down your breathing serves a critical biological function. It allows those hormones that have surged from your anger to recede. Your brain is able to think beyond your fight, flight, or freeze mode. You can use easy-to-use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear breathing (see Understanding Anger by Jennifer Miller). Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces before processing everything that has happened. Directly address the needs of your Lizard Brain by utilizing regulation strategies before trying to get children to use their thinking "Wizard" brain. Then....
Yellow Light: CAUTION. Feel Communicate Think
1) Say the Problem and how you feel.
Parents can model this by saying, "I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother are arguing. How are you feeling?" It helps to have a list of feelings ready so that if your child struggles with coming up with an emotion, he can pick one off of a list that best represents how he's feeling. This practice alone will expand his feeling's vocabulary and he'll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and communicate his situation.
2) Help your child listen to understand the feelings and needs of others in the situation.
Teach your child to paraphrase the other's perspective using Reflective Listening skills or to Ask Curious Questions of the other person until your child gets clarity and can empathize with their perspective.
3) Now, set a positive goal.
Before moving to "GO", have your child think about what they want for themselves and the others involved. The goal may be as simple as, "I just want to get along with my brother," or "I want to keep my toys safe." Weissberg writes that setting a positive goal for kids simply means "How do I want things to end up?"
4) Think of lots of solutions.
Before jumping to one solution, think of lots. "I could hide my Legos where my brother can't find them." "We could agree to ask one another before playing with the other's toys." "We could promise to repair anything that we break." Involve all who were a part of the problem to generate solutions. Children who understand there are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.
5) Think ahead to the consequences.
Parents can ask, "What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother? What might happen?" Think through the realistic consequences with your children of their various solutions -- both short term and long term. "It may work tomorrow. But what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom floor? Then what?" This is a critical step in helping children think through the outcomes of their choices before making them ~ important practice for later problems when the stakes are higher.
Green Light: GO! Try your best plan.
Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other's toy. Try it out right away. See how it works. If it doesn't work, then talk about it and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work better.
Parents can use logical consequences and restorative practices in concert with this model. For example, if Zachary harmed his brother, then he can generate solutions to repair the relationship. He may offer a sincere apology. He may spend time fixing the broken Lego set. He may help find a place to keep the Lego set safe. Children need parents' support repairing the harm done; to be accountable for their impulsive and hurtful choices. They need to know that there are multiple options for not only repairing a physical object but also, repairing hurt feelings. So brainstorm options together and help kids implement them.
** Students at NES are also learning to repair their relationships and address hurt feelings with the Restorative Practices model championed by Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices Coordinator from TEENS, Inc.
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