Simple Ways to Connect to Yourself, your Family, and Your Community (at this time)

     

     Jason and Cecilia Hinkley, HappilyFamily.com, provide ideas for parents who are home with their children for the next forseeable future.  In the midst of all these changes and unsettled emotions, they offer practical ways to Create a Strong Parenting Community.  Let's first consider what we are going through and then review specifc ways to cope and thrive.  

Know first and foremost, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.   The mixture of emotions you are experiencing are shared by nearly every parent who is reading this~ by your neighbors and your friends.   We are more or less in the same boat these days: 

• Most parents are at home with their children all day.  
• Despite the expectation to work at home, the majority of us are not able to work at the same level we did in the past while juggling our parenting responsibilities.  
• Many of us are feeling some level of insecurity about our family's food supply or financial situation.  
• The majority of us are worried about the health of someone in our family.
• Nearly everybody has cancelled their social plans and some level of disappointment has ensued.  

To top it off, our "cavewoman" brain is working overtime to generate our stress reaction.  In times of high stress, emotions like fear, anxiety and panic diminish our mental resources and ability to think clearly, make healthy decisions and behave prosocially and productively.  Chronic stress impairs our ability to function well and impacts the quality of our relationships.  Feeling insecure or inadequate?   Here's why.  Our reptilian brain flips us into a reactive, stressed out mode when four major things happen. And in this current situation, all four of these conditions may be triggering you into a default mode of hypersensitivity:

     1.  Humans need to feel physically safe to feel emotionally grounded.  We become irritable and stressed out when we are concerned about our own and our loved one's safety.  And unfortunately, our brains don't assess these safety risks accurately, according to The Science of Fear.  We hear the nonstop statistics about folks testing positive, and those whose lives have been taken, and our brain doubles down on it's fight or flight reaction.  (For instance, after watching endless footage of the 9/11 airplane attacks, Americans incorrectly assumed car travel was safer than air travel.  In the year following 9/11, more people chose to travel in cars rather than fly and an additional 3000 were killed in auto crashes.)  We need to take heed of how to prevent the continued spread of the virus, but if we continue to believe we are physically threatened, it is hard to stop the stress reaction in our bodies.  We may make poor or impulsive  choices in reaction to this fear.

     2.  Humans feel at their best when life is fairly predictable.  After a day or so of  hanging out at home, our children are craving some sense of normalcy.   We, too, need some certainty to feel grounded.  When we don't have some sort of predictable routine or schedule to follow, humans naturally become rigid in an attempt to control a loosy-goosy situation.  Soon after spring break, the schools will be providing some online lessons and activities for students (or delivering lessons and devices to your door).  Until then, helping your child create a flexible routine for each day (with some fun things to look forward to).  This will damper down their reactions to boredom from a fairly unstructured environment.  

     3.  Humans need to sense there is congruency in their world.  When our own body language and words don't match, our children pick up on the disconnect in this dishonesty.  When we tell them "everything is fine" but our body language and actions reak of stress, it triggers their fight or flight reaction.   When our government downplays the situation at the same time the scientific community says to prepare for the worst, it triggers our own strong emotional reaction to the situation.  It is more honest and real to admit to children, "This is hard.  It is difficult to change all our plans and do without some things.  Staying at home may make you feel bored, angry, sad, or disappointed, but we are gonna get through this.  I may seem stressed at times trying to figure all this out, but we'll survive, and we're gonna have to work to forgive each other if we end up snapping at each other some times.  We're all going to have to pull together and come up with some creative ways to deal with our time at home.   I'll do my best and I hope you will too."

    4.  Humans need realistic expectations to strive for.  When the expectations for parents and children are too high in trying times, it creates additional stress.  The "shoulds" of continuing to work while juggling childcare duties, the "shoulds" of creating nonstop quality childcare opportunities, the "shoulds" of constantly disinfecting all high touch surfaces.... all add to our stress levels.  Stop and reconsider which "shoulds" you can give some slack to in order to limit your sense of overwhelm.  Help young ones understand the new normal expectations in this sweet story:  The Little Gnome that had to Stay Home

 Consider how you can weave these ideas

 into your life....

4 Simple Ways to Connect to Yourself, your Family, and your Community:

1.  CO-REGULATION ~   Our brains have "mirror neurons" which copy the emotional energy of others around us.  The best way to reduce big emotions in your children is to keep yourself calm and centered...so their brains will slowly regulate.  Make sure you are choosing some of your favorite healthy calming strategies daily while barricaded in your home ~  bubble baths, hot tea, dance music,  read-alouds,  meditation, nature hikes.  Take time to list or mention the things you are grateful for.  This practice, even in the midst of chaos, deliberately calms our stress reaction and connects us back to our best selves.  

REMEMBER:  
Getting Outdoors isn't cancelled.  
Music isn't cancelled.
  Family isn't cancelled.  
Reading isn't cancelled.  
Singing isn't cancelled.  
Hope isn't cancelled.  

2.  CREATE NORMAL ROUTINES ~  Rather than making rigid schedules, enlist your children in creating a daily routine that you try to follow.  Help children know what to expect each day.  Families can also continue their child's morning mindfulness routine at Nederland Elementary School.  Go to This is Reboot and get the free app for 7 days.  

     3.  GO OUTSIDE as much as possible.  Nature heals.  Nature inspires.  Fresh air changes your mood.  It is no wonder that our schools begin the day with recess and take numerous outdoor breaks  throughout the day.   Need ideas to encourage outdoor exploration?  130+ FREE Outdoor Learning Activities for Kids Unexpectedly Stuck at Home

     4.  SOCIALIZING BOOSTS YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM.  Social distancing does not mean social isolation.  Humans desire connection as much as we need air and water.  Rethink how to get your daily dose of positive people time ~

         a.  Make sure you have a Listening Partnership.  Find and agree to be a regular 20-minute per day listening partner to someone who is not in your family.  Connect by phone, Facetime, Skype or ZOOM.com  Just listen, don't ask too many questions or try to "fix" someone else's problems.  Just agree to listen, reflect back what was said, and be present with one another.  Contact local counselors if you can't find another parent who can listen you to wholeness again (Nederland Elementary counselors are available at: Kristen Kron 720-549-0293 and Jamie Smalley 303-818-2585).  

         b.  Socialize Outside Together while following social distancing guidelines.  Walk down the street together (on opposite sides).  Garden together.  Make music together from your porches or balconies.  Have two family campfires together while playing harmonicas and kazoos.  Have a picnic in the park on separate blankets.  

         c.  Create Shared Experiences. Call friends during mealtime, tea time, or happy hour.  Play cards online with others.  Conduct group calls with your scout troop or with families from your child's class.  Watch TV separately together while texting each other about the funny or scary parts.  Ask your child's teacher to gather the students with ZOOM.com for their daily class circle time.  Revive the tradition of pen pals with another family; run to the mailbox and see what message has arrived.  Create cards and drawings for elders in nursing homes; mail them to the activity director to dispense.  Be sure to schedule the next time you will connect with others before saying goodbye.  Anticipate the next "get together".  We may be alone, but we don't have to be lonely.

     It may not be easy, but we can do this.  We can still be human during challenging times.  We are resilient people.   We are Mountain Strong.  We are the best parents our children have.  We are each other's community from here on out.