Communicating with a distraught or disobedient child

     

     As the fog set in over the mountains, the children giggled and squirmed.  Families gathered round the tables at Nederland Elementary and laughed and chatted while enjoying a Mexican-inspired meal.  Babies and toddlers were soothed.  Preteens began to spread out their homework.  Elementary children sat proudly in their community school with their loving parents by their sides.  And the fourth Mountain Strong Families event of this semester proceeded forward.

    TEENS, Inc partners with our local schools and community counselors to provide ongoing workshops for parents.  The focus of the Mountain Strong Families Series is on how best to teach children strong social-emotional skills and strengthen family relationships.  We have utilized ideas from the No Drama Discipline Workbook to connect parents with the social emotional skills which students are learning at school.  On November 6^th, Kestrel Hansen Neathawk, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly Bryant prepared an interactive dialogue about Communication Tips for a Happier Home.   Parents were able to share their challenges with their children’s behavior and offer insights into what works for them.  “There’s a lot of noise in our house,” admitted one mother, “but not enough talking and listening to each other.”

    Common themes emerged from parents; parents who previously may have felt alone and isolated in this journey.  Everyone commiserated when hearing about the screaming child in the grocery store, the physically or emotionally intense child who lashes out at family members, the unwillingness to obey, or the mouthy, argumentative teen.  “My children are disrespectful to me but wonderful everywhere else,” admitted one mother with teenage sons.  We’ve all been there.  “You are not alone,” Carrie Evans reassured us. 

    So how do adults respond when there are big emotions, noncompliance, and lots of yelling instead of effective communication taking place at home?  First, parents were encouraged to select strategies to “turn down the shark music” in their heads; to make sure they are responding in a calmer fashion instead of reacting from their own reptilian brain.  Parenting from a state of fear or anger never works very well. 

     Evans encouraged parents to try several self-regulation strategies when their child is misbehaving:  PAUSE, take some time before you re-actively say or do anything.  Give yourself some time and space to channel your thinking brain; to integrate your emotions with your problem-solving abilities.  Feel free to walk around and say out loud to your child, “I’m really upset right now.  I’m not sure how to respond to what is going on here.  Hmmm.”    SHARE how you are feeling in your body – “Dad is getting frustrated with your behavior.  I can feel my muscles tightening and my voice wanting to yell.  I need to calm down so we can work this out.”  Force yourself to BREATHE slowly for at least 90 seconds (while putting your hand on your belly or your heart) in order to slow down your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and send the message from the vagus nerve back up to your brain that you are not in a survival emergency. 

     REFRAMING your thoughts will also change how you feel emotionally, and therefore change how you respond.  We can begin to “turn down the shark music in our heads” by intentionally changing how we think about our children or the situation.  Instead of thinking of your child as bossy (insert natural leader), as lazy (insert needs encouragement), as rude (insert articulate without thinking first), as fussy (insert selective), as whiney (insert needs reassurance), or as defiant (insert courageous). 

   Secondly, “CHASE THE WHY” behind your child’s behavior and validate whatever they are going through.  What basic human need are they trying to meet right now?  What unmet need do they have that is triggering their intense emotions?  Are they tired, hungry, overstimulated, needing attention and connection, needing choice and autonomy, needing to be reassured?   Parents were encouraged to see if we can identify the major needs and emotions our children are expressing with their behavior.  With their feelings and needs in mind, how can we communicate that we understand what they are going through? “I realize that I typically tell my child to just ‘Stop crying’ instead of naming their emotions for them,” one mother reflected.

     Neathawk continued to coach the parents by suggesting we “communicate comfort, validate their emotions, and listen more than we talk.”  If we truly want to connect with our child, we might say, “I know it is hard to be told ‘no’.  It makes you very angry because you wish you could make this decision all by yourself.  This is really hard for you.”  Responding in a manner that reflects their needs and feelings helps the child regulate their own emotions. 

    We were reminded that whenever someone says “no”, they are saying “yes” to some need that is vitally important to them.  Next time your child says “no”, ask yourself if you are getting defensive and believe you have to either accept the “no” (and give up your needs) or resist it and start an argument?   Instead of focusing on the “no”, look for what your child is saying “yes” to.  If she is hearing a demand, she is likely saying “yes” to her need for autonomy.  At other times, she may be saying “yes” to some other need of hers.  By taking time to find out what is more vital and engaging than what you have asked her to do, you defuse a potentially volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your interest and care.  And when you can connect with her “yes”, she will be more open to hearing what your “yes” is. 

     Thirdly, HOW we communicate is crucial in understanding how our children will receive our words.  If we don’t want to continue to trigger our child’s lizard brain reaction to the situation, we need to be mindful of our volume, tone of voice and body language.    A large adult towering over a child or standing face to face, instead of sitting down or crouching down to their level, keeps the child in their fight or flight mode.  Our facial expressions and our own intense emotions can either help calm our child or get mirrored in the child’s brain and lead to an escalation of emotions. 

     Neathawk suggested trying to direct children in a playful way when they were non-compliant with our requests.  “Let’s act like cheetahs as we go get in the car” instead of “You need to get in your car seat now” when running behind schedule.   This change in tone, while averting a power struggle, helps address the child’s need to be included in the decisions that affect their lives.   

     Evans and Neathawk shared their experience and addressed real life scenarios that all families could relate to.  The fog that blanketed the mountains seemed to gently enfold the families gathered within the school.  Parents begged for more time and guidance.  But bedtime, as always, was calling.

     The final workshop of this Series will be facilitated by Kristen Kron and Carrie Evans.  Join us for No Drama Discipline: Redirecting and Reconnecting on Tuesday, December 3^rd.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org

When our Child's Thinking makes them feel Lousy

     Behind every negative self-talk comment, or anxious child, or feeling of never doing anything right, our kids are only showing us the surface, says Heather Davis of BuildingConfidentKids.com
There's always something deeper going on besides just the symptoms we see on the outside.  We're only getting part of the story....

     So, what do you do as a parent in a situation where your child's mood has shifted? 

      Well, you need to become a detective... but not just any detective.  Remember, there's always motive behind how your child reacts, and it may not even be related to the current situation.  

     Students at Nederland Elementary are learning that their self-talk, thoughts, beliefs and opinions are directly connected to how they feel and then how they act.  

     A child's mood change usually means that they are processing beliefs they have about a situation.   Being a detective doesn't mean we barrage them with questions.  We instead need to help our children hear that SILENT VOICE in their heads that explains their beliefs.  When they are experiencing negative self-talk, they feel lousy and act accordingly.   Beliefs usually determine how a person reacts to adversity and therefore produces the consequences. 

   It is key to ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself?"   "How does my body feel when I think this way?"  and "What am I doing or avoiding because of these beliefs?"  Our negative thinking actually changes our biochemistry and cause us to feel depressed, hopeless, or anxious. 

   Some key points to try when your child's mood has gone sour: 

1.  Ask them "What are you thinking about?"

2.  Identify the things that are consistently pushing their buttons; notice which uncomfortable emotions and behaviors they trigger.

3.  Watch their pattern of reacting.  Do they blame themselves or others?  Do they view their problems as temporary or permanent?  (You'll probably notice some themes.)

4.  One habitual reactions are recognized, you can help your child pull them apart and think of alternatives.  Most of the time focusing on what they did well in a situation or what good came out of  it will start to re-frame their thinking. 

     The other key thing to remember is to ask leading questions that help your child understand the complexity of problems as you guide them step by step through a series of possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions.  

    When we are able to entertain positive, encouraging thoughts about ourselves, others, and the situation, our mood lifts and our actions become more productive.  When we head into a situation assuming the worst, we plant a seed in our mind that that's just the way it is going to be.  But if instead, we re-frame our thinking and change our mindset, we might just be surprised at the domino effect.  Parents can serve as their child's wise Wizard Brain and help insert optimistic thinking into a discouraging or stressful situation. 

     Our prefrontal cortex helps us TALK BACK to the negative thinking that is automatically generated in our reptilian brain.  Our higher order thinking can help a child process these kinds of questions which will help them shift into their Wizard Brain thinking too:

    a.  Is there another way to look at this situation?  Is the glass really half empty or half full?
    b.  Is there anything to be grateful for in this situation?
    c.  Why is the way I'm thinking NOT true?  Can I separate my opinions from the facts?
    d.  Can I separate the person from the problematic behavior they are displaying?
    e.  What can I do to encourage myself and keep being the best person I know how to be?  

     The way we speak to ourselves matters.  Re-framing our thinking an be the difference between being stuck or being flexible, between giving up or being resilient, between low self-esteem or high self-compassion.  So help your child talk to themselves like they would talk to SOMEONE THEY LOVE.

Learning to Accept Imperfection in our Children

   

  "Perfectionism hampers success.  In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis."  

~Brene' Brown

     "Yeah!   A mistake!"  When was the last time you responded that way when your child messed up or didn't do something perfectly the first time around?  Are you operating from your reptilian brain, or your higher brain, when you react to your child's challenges?  According to Dr. Laura Markham, from ahaparenting.com,  "kids need the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.   That's the only place any of us can start from to grow."   Markham goes on to say --

     Most of us judge ourselves harshly.  We're so far from perfect.  We overslept, ate that cake, forgot to return a phone call, snapped at our partner, yelled at our kid, didn't feed him a hot breakfast, hustled him out the door so fast he forgot his homework.  And while we're judging ourselves, how's the kid turning out?   Not so perfect either?   Nothing makes us more anxious than our child having a hard time.

     But perfection is too low a standard.  Why not use love as your yardstick?  Can you forgive yourself for all those inevitable human missteps -- and just keep turning yourself around so you're on the right track again?  Can you remind yourself that your child isn't perfect because he or she is human, and an immature, still developing human at that?

     What kids need from us is the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are.  That's the only place any of us can start from to grow.  

     So can you adore your child exactly as he is today?  Sure, you want to guide him, that's your job:  "Let's wait our turn at the slide.... Here's how you work out with your sister how to share the toy....We brush our teeth every night...."   But offering that guidance with humor and understanding is VERY different than guiding from your own FEAR ("Is there something wrong with him?").  Fear shades so quickly into criticism and gives your child the message that somehow he just isn't quite good enough.

     Instead, can you guide today with faith that your child is blossoming and growing all the time, becoming her best self?   What she needs from you, more than teaching, is the emotional nutrients to thrive:  unconditional love, joy in who she is, faith in the friendliness of the universe and in her own goodness and ability to grow.

     So today, use the challenges of life to create love where there wasn't any before.  Let go of fear and perfectionism.  Choose love.  Embrace your imperfect self with compassion.  Meet your child heart to heart, delighting in who he is, imperfections and all.  Focus on all the things you love about him.  Chalk the "imperfections" (yours and your child's) up to learning experiences, and use them to get back on track.

    And start aiming higher than perfection.  Aim for unconditional love.  

     When we are able to love our children unconditionally, we are channeling our higher brain -- the part that allows us to have a compassionate Growth Mindset.  Our higher Wizard Brain helps us realize that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and mistakes aren't the end of the world.  We are all just learning and growing.  Our children's failures are just their First Attempt In Learning  and these attempts are normally riddled with mistakes.  Thinking with a Growth Mindset helps us have more self-compassion as well as compassion for others; more hope, more forgiveness.  This open-minded, flexible mindset helps us tackle the difficulties in our lives and keep on trying.  And we want our children to have this kind of mindset that gives them resilience to keep on going after setbacks.  

     Students at NES are learning about how their reptilian brain can automatically make them think with a Fixed Mindset about themselves and others.  When we face challenges, a fixed mindset creates a negative, often rigid, view of the situation.  It makes us assume that mistakes are catastrophic and people who make mistakes are "bad".  This kind of mindset makes us feel lousy when we do things imperfectly; like we are a failure when something doesn't come easily.  We tend to give up in the face of adversity, or avoid tough situations and people all together.  We assume others won't change and grow from their mistakes.  This rigid, fixed mindset and desire for perfectionism is what Brene' Brown says produces anxiety and depression in us and our children.  

     In order to override our natural tendency to judge ourselves and others, and in order to foster both self-compassion and compassion for others, we parents must try to check our fears at the door.  We must believe in the ability of our children to eventually learn and grow from their experiences without chiding them for every failure.  Just say, "Oops, that didn't work well.  What can we learn from that experience?"  when your child makes the wrong choice.  Their higher order brain which helps them make better decisions is still developing until their mid-to late 20's.  Children would do better, if they knew how.  So today, offer nothing but love.  

   



     

Pausing to Calm Oneself when we are Overwhelmed by our Emotions

     

     Slow Yourself Down and Utilize a Healthy Coping Strategy when you are overwhelmed, upset, or unable to focus.  This is the message your children are learning at school.  Pausing and doing self care gives our brain time to relax and reflect; time to think about how to solve the challenges in our lives.  It moves us from a purely reactive, emotional state into a responsive, problem-solving state of mind.  It allows our nervous system to become more balanced and the emotional and rational parts of our brain to become integrated.  

     Every classroom at Nederland Elementary (and also most classrooms at Nederland Middle School) have a REFOCUS CENTER in them.  This is a place where kids can ask to go for a few minutes when they are worked up, when they've had a disagreement with someone, or when they can't focus on their school work.  There is a quiet place with a soft floor pillow, a reflection manual, and some tools and suggested strategies to select from.  Watch this 2 min video to see how one school has utilized this idea --  Calming Corners in every Classroom 

   Children may appreciate having a similar sort of calming space in your home.  This provides an opportunity for you to introduce healthy calming strategies to your child; to help them soothe and regulate their big emotions instead of being punished for having them.  It is a place to express and experience their feelings through writing, artwork, reading, sensory tools, deep breathing or meditating.  

     Create a calming corner with your child.  Think about where a cozy spot in your house might be.  Think about what calming tools and strategies you might keep in it.  By teaching children that there are healthy options for de-stressing, for feeling their sadness or for working through their frustration, they learn that they can help themselves de-escalate strong emotions.  They have some control when they begin to feel uncomfortable and out of control.  

     Collect some of the following items and help children practice using these strategies to see which ones work best for them in different situations.  Remind children these strategies are "in their toolbox" when they need them.  Talk openly about your favorite healthy strategies for taking care of yourself after a difficult day.  When children notice how we care for ourselves, they can more easily develop self-care practices themselves.  

     Possible Calming Strategies to Try with your Children:

Deep breathing using a pinwheel or bubbles

Deep breathing with a stuffed animal on your belly

Deep breathing while tracing up and down your fingers

Finger breathing (as if you had a Hoberman's Sphere)

Taking a mindful walk outside

Yoga balancing poses

Imagining your favorite place

Picturing the people you care about

Coloring mandalas

Drawing or using watercolors to show how you feel

Saying the alphabet slowly

Remembering the words to a song you love

Running water over your hands

Getting a cool drink of water

Enjoying a hot cup of tea

Rubbing a worry stone or holding a favorite object

Noticing something with all five of your senses

Exercising or doing push ups

Making a fist and then releasing it; massaging the palms of your hands

Talking to yourself in a positive way

Taking a shower or a warm bath

Counting to 100 (backwards)

Listening to music

Tightening, then relaxing muscles from head to toe

Rocking and giving yourself a hug

Watching a glitter jar or liquid timer

Reading about feelings

Playing with your pet or a stuffed animal

Doing a random act of kindness

Listing all the things you are grateful for

Dancing and giggling

Creating with play dough, clay or theraputty

    There are six different approaches to lowering your intense emotions.  See if you can include tools from each of these categories into your child's Cozy Corner:  

    1.  Soothing your amygdala by using your sense of smell, sight, hearing and touch.  Weighted pillows, aromatherapy, liquid timers, soothing music, and sensory toys all fit into this category.

    2.  Moving the emotional energy out of your body.  Exercise, whole body muscle relaxation exercise, a warm bath, tai chi or yoga poses all help release the emotional tension in your body.

    3.  Doing an action to create the opposite emotion within yourself.  Listing things you are grateful for, playing with a pet, dancing and reading jokes, singing your favorite song, imagining your happy place and people who love you are all ways to increase your happiness and decrease uncomfortable feelings.

   4.  Deep breathing is the #1 best way to lower BIG emotions and get you out of the fight or flight mode.  Find fun ways to practice slowing down your breath -- elephant breathing, bumble bee breathing, breathing boards to trace, blowing bubbles, etc.

    5.  Expressing and processing your emotions.  Writing or drawing how you feel, talking to a supportive person, and noticing where in your body you are feeling uncomfortable can help you experience the emotion and let it pass through your body. 

    6. Temporarily distracting yourself.  Doing a puzzle or Rubix cube, sudoku, coloring, cleaning your room, or watching a short video can help you pause and give your Wizard Brain time to catch up with your emotional reaction.  

Creating Deep Connection with your Children

          Every month, parents coalesce at the Mountain Strong Families presentation (hosted at Nederland Elementary School by TEENS, Inc) to support one another, understand their children better, and find helpful ways to respond to challenging behaviors.  In October, counselors Kimberly Bryant and Kestrel Hansen Neathawk welcomed parents of toddlers to teenagers with the following words:  "We are so proud of you for showing up to talk about raising kind, thoughtful, grounded children.  This is not easy work."

     As hard as parenting can be, today's parents have a decided advantage over past generations who wanted to do right by their child.  The field of human development and neuroscience has shed new light on why kids act the way they do, as well as which parenting approach will wire their brains for future success and well-being.

     So, what have we learned from current research?  First, children are more likely to "obey" when they are firmly bonded to us and therefore want to please.  Long before they act out, we want to make sure we are connecting deeply with them.  A ratio of at least five positive, warm and intimate interactions with our children are needed for every time we reprimand them.  If we've gotten into the habit of redirecting our children all day long but are forgetting to fill their emotional bank with close, nurturing memories of being with us, discipline becomes a constant power struggle.  Think of all the ways you can connect deeply with your child -- no matter what their age is -- by telling a funny story from when they were younger, telling them what you appreciate about them, writing in a journal to each other, looking through family photos with them, giving at least a six-second hug, or leaving a surprise love note for them to find.  

     Neathawk and Bryant also discussed the idea of "proactive parenting".  Long before misbehavior and blow ups occur, parents must be aware that all humans will inevitably melt down or lash out when they are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  Bryant encouraged parents to think about the preemptive routines and practices we can build into each day to avert many of these emotional triggers for our children.  Parents bubbled forth with creative and practical ideas to prevent meltdowns -- from creating one easily accessible kitchen cabinet for healthy snacks... to playfully wrestling with their child....from insuring there would be 15 minutes of daily "special time" between them and each of their children... to letting go of some of the "must do" activities like homework.  One parent highly recommended reading The Rhythm of Life by Kelly Matthew for inspiration about how to simplify the pace of family life.

     When it comes to correcting challenging behavior, parents have traditionally reacted with spankings, time outs and consequences.  Recent research in human development challenges all of these past practices.  Modern-day caretakers are strongly encouraged to relinquish all forms of punishment from their repertoire as we learn how humans develop life skills.  Any consequence can feel punitive when we dole it out when we are angry and disgusted with our child.  

     The job of parenting is to figure out what kids are trying to communicate with their behavior.  According to Dr. Dan Siegel of the No-Drama Discipline Workbook, we must chase the "why" behind their disobedience, choices, and emotional outbursts.  When children are misbehaving, something is wrong.  In chasing the why, parents should be asking:  "What is my child feeling? What are they needing?  How can I help them regulate their big emotions and learn strong social emotional skills instead of punishing them for not knowing how else to act?"  

     Siegel focuses on using "time-ins" to empathize with the child while soothing their dysregulated limbic system.  Why are "time-ins" so important for teaching social emotional skills?  Because if the child could get their needs met by thinking of a better way, they would.  But the thinking part of their brain takes up to 25+ years to develop.  Our job is to help the child integrate the emotional part of their brain with the thoughtful problem-solving part of their brain.  When children are misbehaving, they are stuck in their "downstairs" reactionary, survival-mode brain.  In the midst of a tantrum (or melt down by a teenager), children cannot access their rational brain, nor process our wordy lectures.  We must help them regulate before we try to teach and correct the behavioral choices.  Banishing a child to their room to regulate themselves can make a child feel "bad" for having emotions and feel overwhelming for them to do alone.  

          Sitting with a child who is defiant, sobbing or screaming, isn't easy to do.  But this is exactly the time they need you the most.  Saying to a child, "I know this is hard.  You're upset.  I'm here to help you through it," wires positive neural pathways between the emotional and rational brain and deepens the bond between the parent and child.  Punitive reactions have the opposite effect -- severing the parent-child relationship and triggering either fear or a more defensive response in the brain of the child.

     Discussion may need to happen much later when everyone is calmer.  Circling back is always an option.  Connecting deeply to what your child is feeling and needing helps regulate their emotions and eventually opens their "upstairs" brain to talking things through and learning from their choices.  

     The next Mountain Strong Families event will be on Wednesday, November 6th as we learn Communication Tips for a Happier Home.  Come discover strategies for how to "turn down the shark music" in your head before you correct your child.  Practice communicating empathy and comfort to your child in the midst of disciplining them.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org for free childcare and dinner beginning at 5:30 pm.  

Kids who Misbehave are often craving Connection

"Every time you think of calling a kid 'attention-seeking', 

consider changing it to 'connection-seeking', 

and see how your perspective changes."  

~Dr. Jody Carrington

     On Weds, Oct 9th, parents will gather for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation to talk about Connecting Deeply with Our Children in order to Help them Learn.  One aspect of deep connection is being mindful about screen usage when we are with our children.  The bond our children develop to us (or fail to fully develop) is primarily created in face-to-face interactions when we are responding with empathy to their feelings and needs.  Unfortunately, we live in a culture of nonstop screen usage which can interfere with the ability of our children to bond and connect with us; to feel like we are really present with, and there for them.   

     Fewer children are entering Kindergarten with the ability to regulate their emotions.  These skills are developed in face-to-face interactions with caring adults.  If we want our children to have strong social-emotional skills, we may need to rethink our usage of screens when we are with them.  Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. D. tackles this issue head on in Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids. She reminds us of the valuable social-emotional lessons our children will miss if we are distracted by our screens.  

     As hard as it can be to limit our phone use, says Hartwell-Walker, below are five important reasons to do so:

1.  Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying.  The "look at me's" you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement.  When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids will soak it up.  They try again.  They push themselves to the next level.

2.  Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank.  When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life's problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life's challenges.  When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms.  Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles in life, they will have what it takes to cope.

3.  Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them.  They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices.  They are learning the words for the things and people of their world.  They are learning how those words get strung together.  Television doesn't help children learn language.  It's too passive.  They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being.  Parking them in front of even the best children's TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between babies and their parents.  Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence.  "Where did all that come from?" they ask.  It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they're on the phone.

4.  Conversation builds brain power.  Little kid's brains are sponges.  The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb.  Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize.  Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life.  One and two word answers don't do it.  Commands don't do it.  A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn't do it either.  Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world.  That's one of the many good reasons to read to children.  It's not just for the entertainment of the stories.  It's also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language.

5.  Our kids need our first priority to be our relationship with them, not our phones.  Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them.  Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives.  Yes, quality time has a certain special quality.  We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo.  But those days are special because they are rare.  For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. (I love my phone as much as the next person.  I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family.  I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me.  I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets.  I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.  There's no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house.)  But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs).  Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.  

     Research indicates that when we are deeply connected to our children, they are more likely to listen to our direction and guidance.  Karen Young explains this by using our understanding of neuroscience:  

     When our kids or teens feel close to us, they get a juicy dose of oxytocin created in their brains.  This calms the fight or flight response (often exhibited in challenging behavior) and lets the prefrontal cortex switch on.  Every time we are physically close to them, speak gently and warmly, hold or touch them, their brain will release oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone which is released when we feel close and connected to our important people.  The amygdala, which drives the fight or flight response, has receptors for oxytocin.  It's the part of the brain that will throw the body into fight or flight, but it's also wired to calm down when it feels safe.  The way it feels safe is through social connection.  When we gently move close to our children, let them know we see them, loan them our 'calm' , the amygdala will (eventually) calm down.  It will release its hold, switch off the fight or flight response, and make way for the prefrontal cortex (thinking and empathetic part of the brain) to switch back on.  If we want children to be open to learning, our connection with them will be vital in bringing them to a space in which this can happen.  

Learn more about simple techniques for connecting with your child on Oct 9th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org 

A Body Knows -- Teaching Our Children to Listen to their Bodies

Emotions are "energy in motion" pulsating throughout your body.  An important skill of emotional intelligence is being able to notice the physical sensations in your body that indicate you are experiencing an emotion and be able to  put a name to it.

      Children don't automatically make the connection between an upset stomach and anxiety, or a hot face and anger, or a heavy chest and sadness.  When they learn to pay attention to the messages their bodies are giving them, they develop self awareness about their emotional state.  When they mindfully listen to their bodies, they will learn to know what they are feeling and what they need.  Being mindfully aware of their bodies also allows children to "catch" themselves as they begin to feel an emotion; to soothe themselves before they become completely dysregulated.  When they are aware of their inner world, it helps them decide what self care strategies they need to ease their strong emotions and help them connect to their thinking brains.

      To help children develop this skill, parents can model (1) noticing their own body sensations, (2) putting a feeling word to it, and (3) doing something to help themselves regulate their emotions.  For instance, "I'm starting to breathe faster and my face is hot and red.  I know that means I'm getting really frustrated because you haven't done your chores yet.  I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and when I come back I should feel better and ready to talk with you."

    Even if children have a basic understanding of feelings, they may not fully grasp other more in-depth emotional concepts.  Teach children to learn a larger emotional vocabulary, explain that emotions have different levels (slightly annoyed to irate), and discuss how you can feel multiple emotions at once.  Learning about emotions will help children understand their own feelings and develop greater self awareness on a daily basis.  
     
     Another way to help children of all ages tune into their emotional state is to practice mindfulness together.  Mindfulness can help children be aware of the way their body reacts physically and emotionally to life's challenges.

     Every day at Nederland Elementary, the entire school pauses to clear our minds, slow our heart rate, and breathe deeply as we begin our day.  Mindfulness instructor, Patti Schrader, leads exercises during the announcements.  Neuro-scientists have shown that slowing ourselves down in a regular practice leads to greater self awareness and calmer emotions, as well as greater attention for learning and compassion for others.  This year-long curriculum provides a predictable, soothing start to each day.

     Families may want to explore various Mindfulness apps to use as a regular part of your child's bedtime routine as well.  The apps can help your child achieve a relaxed state in preparation for sleep.  These apps include short, developmentally appropriate exercises that have been specifically designed for use with children.  They are a great tool to guide children through a short breathing exercise -- tuning them into their body and balancing their nervous system.

 Mindfulness Apps for Kids

     Smiling Mind includes the most extensive library of meditations to use with children aged
    7 -12  years, teens and adults.  FREE.

     Meditations for Kids by Highly Meditated includes 10 short themed meditations as well 
     as relaxing environmental sounds/musical pieces.  They use guided imagery to help children
     manage worry and anxiety, everyday stress, fidgeting, and fear of the dark.  Age 6+.  $

     Dreamy Kids by Taylan Wenzel includes meditations and guided visualizations that can be
    combined with relaxing background ambient sounds.  Free app has a limited number of 
    resources, but further programs can be purchased. 

     Wellbeyond Meditation for Kids includes 5 short meditations with themes about focusing
     on the present moment, feelings, kindness, and sleep.  FREE

     Stop, Breathe & Think Kids includes a series of short, video meditation "missions" with 
     seven categories-- quiet, focus, caring and connecting, energizing, meltdown, open mind, 
     and sleep.  FREE.

     Super Stretch Yoga integrates visual images of children doing 12 simple yoga poses.  It 
     helps younger children to stretch their bodies, rest their minds and focus their breathing.  For
     ages 4+.  FREE.

     Sleep Meditation for Kids by Christiane Kerr  only includes one free 13 minute guided 
     meditation.  Further meditations can be purchased within the app.  For younger children and 

    teens.  FREE.