Tips for De-stressing Your December

Tips for De-stressing Your December
Excerpts from Dr. Laura Markham ( ahaparenting.com)

     December doesn't have to be stressful, no matter what holiday you celebrate.  The increasing dark of the Northern hemisphere can be a signal to turn inward to your home and family, to create more warmth, light and peace.  It can be a time for cozy connection and deep joy, whatever your personal beliefs.  The key is deciding what kind of experience you want to create.  Here are some ideas to consider:

1.  Decide what's really important and say NO to everything else.  
Start by sitting quietly for five minutes with your eyes closed, seeing in your mind the scenes you want to create this December.  Then open your eyes and write down your top priorities.  Next, sit down with your partner, if you have one, and your kids, if they're old enough, to share everyone's ideas of what would be a meaningful holiday season.  Get out the family calendar, and think about when these things will get done.  Just say no to holiday events that don't hold meaning for you, including most work events.  If your kids are old enough that they want to spend time with their friends rather than just family, plan now to include their friends in the events where it feels appropriate -- baking pies for the local soup kitchen, or gathering greenery to decorate the house.  Use this festive family meeting to set priorities for the holidays together. 

2.  Prioritize Time for Family Connection.
Your first rule is not to do holiday tasks alone, unless you feel nurtured by them.  Always find a partner for these holiday tasks.  It's a great opportunity for fun with family members, and the kids love the one-on-one time with a parent.  And if you can't recruit anyone, consider that maybe you don't actually need to do more baking or decorating or whatever, if it isn't important to anyone else.  If your kids are too young to help, then it becomes even more important to limit what you do.  What children want this holiday season is connection with their parents and your mood matters more to your kids than anything else.  Make a plan with each family member to do something delicious just with them -- bake cookies together, work out together, walk together through town where you can admire holiday decorations, etc.

3.  Reject Commerialism.
None of the holidays we observe in December are designed to include purchasing things from stores.  Each is an opportunity to celebrate -- the birth of the Savior, the return of the light with Solstice, the Seven Principles of Kwanzaa, and the miracle of faith symbolized by the Hanukkah lights.  De-commercializing the winter holidays can be challenging, but it's certainly possible.  Some families decide to give four presents to their child:  "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read."  Some families de-commercialize the holidays by making presents.  If your whole family is making presents, try scheduling some weekend afternoons when everyone is working on their creations. 

4.  Create Traditions that make Meaning and bring your Family Closer. 

Children love tradition and ritual.  Repetition, the comfort of belonging, the sense of wonder, magic and celebration -- traditions nurture kids and parents alike, and create a sense of shared meaning.  They connect families.  Kids need the security of repeated traditions, and they'll want you to repeat this year anything you've "always done" in the past.  Honor those requests and savor those moments.  (A family trip to gather greenery?  A scavenger hunt to find a hidden present?  Caroling in your neighborhood?  A religious service?  A candlelit meal with favorite family recipes?  Volunteering for Meals on Wheels?)

5.  Giving to Others.

What we really want for our kids is to find their own holiday spirit and discover the joy of giving to others.  Did you know that the experience of giving actually activates an area of the brain that gives us physical pleasure?  But generosity doesn't come from guilt.  Children begin to feel generous from the feeling of having plenty -- emotionally, even more than materially-- and it develops as they have the experiences of making others happy by giving to them.  Our job as parents is to help our kids to have those experiences. 

6.  Take Time as a Family to Reflect.
The holidays are a great time for families to reflect, examine, and appreciate their lives together.  Start with discussions at dinner about what you love about your family, your lives, and yourselves, and one thing you would change if you could.  (Read together:  The Table Where Rich People Sit by Byrd Baylor to focus on the simple blessings of life.  Kristin Race, from Mindful Life, suggests utilizing a simple gratitude jar to capture the big and small things we are grateful for on a regular basis.  Each day, each family member writes down one thing, big or small, that they are grateful for and drops it in the jar.  Over time, this simple practice rewires our brains for happiness.  When times get tough, sit down with your family, pull out a handful or two, and read them off to each other.  It will help you reconnect to what's really important.)

Wishing you and yours a merry and meaningful winter break!  

How were you kind today?

The One Question I Always Ask My Kids After School: 

‘How Were You Kind Today?’ 

Condensed from Courtney Byrne at www.scarymommy.com 

Last school year, I asked the same question each day on the drive home from school: What did you do today that was kind? It started for a few different reasons, but caught on and turned into more of an important conversation-starter than I expected. If there’s one thing all of our schools could use (and really, the world in general), it’s more kindness, so I decided to share this daily ritual we have and why I hope to continue it for years to come.

Before I lose you, I want to be paint a clear picture of the scene in our car every day when we talked about kindness. I am not a calm mother who never yells. My kids are not calm children either and exhibit their fair share of naughty behavior. When the girls would hop into it after school, they’d start tossing everything from school papers to lunch box leftovers. They’d usually start fighting over something and usually one or both of their little brothers would be screaming/crying because I woke them from a nap to pick their sisters up from school. I am trying to paint a picture of our car — and my mental state at school pickup — and I’m hoping that’s coming together for you. I’d ask the girls how their day was, usually in a not-so-friendly kind of annoyed tone. I’d get a “good” and nothing else.

One day, on a whim, I said, “Tell me something kind you did today.” It changed the tone in the car almost immediately. I asked again the next day, and then it stuck. I didn’t remember to ask every day. Sometimes we skipped it. Sometimes the girls came into the car beaming with excitement because they had something “kind” to share before I even asked. Those were the days I was really proud. I’ve realized something during the first few years of my kids’ education: Not all kids are going to get a perfect report card and not all kids are going to excel in sports, music, etc. Often the picture we want to paint for our kids’ future isn’t necessarily the path they are going to choose. So really, why not spend more time focusing on raising good people?

How did this daily question change our conversations?

1. It made for a positive way to discuss the day.
Like I mentioned, we were kind of in an after-school rut. It felt like a car of grumpy babies, toddlers, kids, and mom. This helped us feel a lot more happy and positive in the car. For me, as tired as I was, hearing my girls cheerfully tell me simple things like, “I gave Sarah my glue stick when I saw hers ran out” made me feel more cheerful too.

 2. It helped them comfortably bring up times when people were unkind.
The first time I heard “Well, let me tell you about who wasn’t kind today, Mom,” I replied with a “This is about good things. Tell me good things that happened first.” Then I thought about it: If the question about kindness helps them identify times when people are unkind and helps them talk to me about it, that’s actually a good thing. It’s not easy to share when people are being unkind to you. It can feel embarrassing. It’s not something you feel proud of. I think kids “tattle” more when they are little but start to keep these feelings inside as they grow. So if our daily kindness chat is a place they are comfortable telling me when they felt sad at school, we’ll go with that too.

3. It helped me explain how sometimes what we think is the right thing can actually be the wrong thing.
This was something I never thought would come from our kindness chats, but it sure made things more interesting. For example: “Mom, I did something really kind today. I told Sarah that if she would just start believing in Jesus, then Santa would come to her house. Isn’t that great?!” While her intentions were good, that’s obviously not okay. It gave me a reason to explain (with a real life example) different religions and how people having different beliefs is a wonderful thing, and not something we should try to change.

Another example: “I was kind today when I screamed at Sarah for being mean to Jane and told her no one is ever going to play with her again because she’s mean.” Again, while sticking up for people is kind, there’s a right and wrong way to do it. This is a great time to explain the difference. It’s brought about many life lessons in an organic way, and that’s been helpful for all of us.

 4. Raising Kind People. 
Knowing your kids’ grades and how they are doing academically is important, but I don’t think it needs to be the first thing you ask after school. While it’s tempting to ask “How much homework do you have?” or “What did you get on the spelling test,” focusing on kindness instead really made a positive difference for us. I want my kids to think that being a good person is going to make them more successful than anything else. By asking them how they were kind before inquiring about their academic performance, I hope they will begin to understand the importance of being a nice person.

 I will ask them this question again this year and each school year after. I see harder conversations stemming from the question as they get older, but my hope as a parent is that it helps them want to continue to be kind and share their feelings with me.

Building a child's ability to empathize with others

See what I see, hear what I hear, feel what I feel,

then maybe you’ll understand, why I do what I do.      

Confidentparentsconfidentkids.org offers some creative ways to build empathy among children (i.e. an understanding of other people’s thoughts, feelings, desires, motivations, and intentions).   On a car ride or at the dinner table, each person can guess what another was feeling or thinking at some point that day.  The person who is being commented on has to say whether or not the feeling guessed is accurate, and if not, what they actually were feeling.  This helps children become more adept at articulating other’s perspective and their own.  

Another fun version of this game is to insert famous people and family members into this sentence:  “If ___ came to dinner, he would say _______.”  Here is a sample conversation:

Parent:  “Your teacher, Ms. Sue, is here for dinner.  What does she say?”

Child:  “This is a nice dinner.” (using a sweet, high-pitched voice)

Parent:  “Your three-year-old cousin…”

Child:  “I don’t like hot dogs!” (with a whine)

Parent:  “Your cool Uncle Jeremiah…”.

Child:  “Hey, man, how ya doin?” (in a jazzy, deep tone)

Parent:  “Emperor Palpatine, Ruler of the Dark Side….”

Child:  “Come to the dark side!!”

Robert Selman has identified five stages of perspective-taking that children typically go through at various ages. These stages of development are the foundations that help develop empathy in children. For some, the ability to feel empathy comes naturally. Interestingly, it is not an innate disposition that unfolds equally in all children.

Undifferentiated perspective-taking (Age 3 -6):  Children have a sense of their own thoughts and feelings and realize their actions cause others to react.  However, sometimes they may confuse others’ thoughts and feelings with their own.  

Easy Practice:  Look for chances to identify how others are feeling based on their nonverbal cues:  facial expressions, body language, tone of voice.   “Look at that woman’s expression in the store.  Her face says to me she’s frustrated.”  Help children pick up on the fact that others may be feeling differently than they are in the moment.  

Social-informational perspective-taking (Ages 5 -9):  Children understand that different perspectives may mean that people have access to different information than they have.

Easy Practice:  When you are reading books with your child, talk about the character’s perspective and motivation, and from where it may have originated.  Have fun with the book Turk and Runt by Wheeler and Ansley (2002)

Self-Reflective perspective-taking (Age 7 -12):  Children are able to interpret others’ thoughts and feelings.  There should be a noticeable increase in a child’s efforts to provide comfort and support to others and try to help fix a problem.  

Easy Practice:  Guide your children through a conflict situation by asking them, after cooling down, to tell what they are thinking and feeling and then, asking them to interpret what the other person is thinking and feeling.  

Third-party perspective-taking (Age 10 -15): Children are able to step outside their own thoughts and feelings and see a situation from an impartial perspective.  A child should be able to extend empathy beyond people they know to more global situations such as world hunger.

Easy Practice:  This is a good time for children to read biographies about other’s lives.

Societal perspective-taking (Age 14 - Adult):  Teens begin to see how perspective can be influenced by larger systems and societal beliefs.

Easy Practice:  Offer opportunities to learn and experience other cultures by reflecting on differing perspectives and values.  Visit various places of worship outside of your belief system.  Volunteer in a nursing home or homeless shelter.  Explore other cultures, belief or government systems through books, volunteerism, festivals, and travel.  

One’s ability to walk in others’ shoes needs to be fostered and encouraged.  Without practice & exposure to diverse perspectives, children can easily develop a myopic view of life.

Helping our Children Respond with Love

   

     As we gather round the Thanksgiving table  this year with the hodge podge of folks that make up our extended family, we may be tested. Our children will be carefully observing how populist Uncle Joey, progressive cousin Jessie, conservative Grandpa Tom, and liberal mom will delicately carve up the turkey together.  Rachel Stafford, from HandsFreeMama.com, encourages the adults to take a cue from each other's diverse opinions:

"Over the past year, I've struggled with some of the opinions expressed by people I've known and cared about for years.  The stances these individuals take on controversial issues plaguing our country continue to surprise and dishearten me.  When I hear these differing views and opinions on deeply important issues, I feel anger rise up within me and the urge to cut ties.  This reaction is not loving or unifying.  It is not healthy or helpful. As much as I remind myself they are entitled to their opinion as much as I am, I still feel ill will.

It was while I was venting to my teenage daughter about an aggressive viewpoint expressed by a close friend that I received the guidance I've been searching for.  My 14-year-old daughter said, "Your friend doesn't know what you know.  She has not had the experiences you have."  Then Natalie told me what she did when a classmate made a political statement that hurt and offended a group of students.  She reached out to one of the alienated people so she would know my daughter was with her.  My daughter could tell by the person's reaction and the end result that her action had been a helpful one."

My daughter went on to say, " I could argue with someone about their opinion - which probably won't change anything - or I could do something good.  And that DOES change things."  Basically, one student's divisive action became my daughter's cue to do the opposite -- to unify.... to include... to stand beside.

Stafford goes onto share:  I'm in the process of adopting a healthier and more helpful reaction to opinions and views that upset me.  I call it:  Cue to Love.  It looks like this--

Another person's close mindedness is my cue to be curious instead of defensive.
Another person's shaming language is my cue to speak words of acceptance.
Another person's hostility is my cue to be a peacemaker.
Another person's arrogance is my cue to gain understanding.
Another person's quick-to-judge attitude is my cue to remember we are more alike than different.
Another person's vitriol toward a group of people is my cue to love all in abundance. 

Each time I use my cue to Love, this is what I find:

The people I most disagree with provide my greatest opportunities for growth.
The people I find most difficult to love stretch me to be my most loving self.

I could argue with these people about their opinion or cut off communication, but that leaves little chance for progress, growth, and peace.  Instead, I will take my daughter's lead, and use their divisive stance as a cue to Love.  ...Instead of feeling my blood boil by the opinions of some,  I have been inspired to act with love.  

My job is not to change the opinions of those hurting people with their views.  My job is to change the view of the hurting people... with love.   

Think through this scenario with me for a moment:

A person is alienated by the shaming words of someone while riding on the subway.  He proceeds through his day, feeling alone, devalued, and perhaps even scared.

If kindness, love, or acceptance is the VERY NEXT THING this hurting person encounters, his view of the world instantly changes.  The whole world is suddenly not against him.  The world is suddenly a bit more hopeful.  

I would want that for my unique child.
I would want that for my aging parent.
I would want that for my grieving brother.
I would want that for my exiled sister.
I would want that for you.
I would want that for me.

I'm done feeling angry, bitter, and hopeless when someone shares a polarizing viewpoint.  That is now my cue to love.  Because an act of love at the precise moment it's needed can literally change the world."

     This month during Social Emotional Learning lessons at NES, students are practicing developing empathy for others and having the courage to show compassion -- even to those that appear to be different from themselves.  However, one of their biggest lessons comes from watching the adults in their lives maneuver the political divide in our nation... and across the holiday table.  

Teaching Empathy by Living Empathy

Empathy -- the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel what they are feeling. Humans are naturally empathetic to some degree.  Our hearts are touched and we, too, may cry when others tear up and are grieving.  We smile when others are laughing hysterically.  But young humans need help learning how to understand the vast array of emotions that others are going through.  Fortunately, empathy can be taught.  Learning how to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes is best learned when someone does that for us.  Rachel Stafford from HandsFreeMama.com relays this message in her weekly blog:

"Swim team practice has not been going well since my 11-year-old daughter had extensive oral surgery about a month a go. She tries to swim, but the pressure she feels beneath the water's surface is uncomfortable. I was very patient about this issue for several weeks and even had her examined by the orthodontist to make sure everything was okay. The doctor found no reason she couldn't swim as normal, so we returned.

That day, I planned to run errands while Avery practiced. She asked me to wait for a few minutes, so I did. The next thing I knew, she was holding onto the side of the pool with the look of distress on her face. The first thoughts that came to my head were unkind. Things like:

It's all in her head.

How long is this going to go on?

She just wants to go home and play Xbox with her friend.

As I walked to the side of the pool I asked for a new way to see and hear this situation that was getting quite tiresome. As the pool water splashed my feet, three powerful words came to mind. I'd said them to my husband while white-water rafting with my family. As we navigated our first set of raging rapids, I was scared my youngest daughter was going to fall out. I began calling out orders, sharp and gruff.

"Don't be mad," my husband had said. "I'm not angry, I'm scared," I said holding back tears. That's when three significant words came from my mouth: "That's fear talking."

I am learning this about myself - when I am scared and anxious, I get controlling and mean. I am working on a different response, but in the meantime, I am learning to interpret my unpleasantness for my family so they know I am struggling and need time, space, and understanding.

With those thoughts fresh on my mind, I bent down to talk to my tearful daughter who was now holding her hand to her forehead. "I can't breathe," she cried. "I can't do this." This time I did not hear annoyance or an excuse to try to get out of practice. I heard something familiar. I heard fear talking.... and because of that, what came out of my mouth was surprisingly supportive and empathetic.

"It feels different than it used to, doesn't it? Things are still healing so it feels different, and different can be scarey. Thank you for trying." She nodded like what I was saying was true.

About that time, her coach came over and asked if she was okay. When we told her the situation, she suggested Avery grab her kickboard and fins and practice with her head above water. I was so grateful to her coach for providing an alternative so she could continue practicing in a more comfortable way. Avery did as she was told but asked me not to leave. So there I sat, watching her glide back and forth, amazed at the amount of bubbles my strong girl could make with her feet.

As I slowly let go of the things I'd planned to do, I could see clearly.

And what I saw was a girl who's been through a pretty traumatic event and is doing her very best to adjust to a new mouth and nasal cavity. It was different than what I've seen over the past month. And that is because I was listening beyong the words to hear her heart.

When we realize fear is talking.... Anxiety is talking....Despair is talking.... Hopelessness is talking....We realize this is not about us. And that allows us to respond to the hurting person in ways we couldn't before.

Our empathetic response has the power to create one small act of bravery and one glimmer of hope. From there, anything is possible."

Lean into your child this week and feel what they are feeling underneath their awkward, sometimes irritating behaviors. If you can feel what they are feeling and speak to that emotion, they will feel heard and understood. They will be able to turn things around. And hopefully, they will soon begin to respond in that same empathetic way to someone else.

Building your Child's Emotional Intelligence in a Digital World

       Social Psychologists have long influenced our knowledge about the importance of family relationships and the ability of children to develop social emotional intelligence.  Their research indicates that frequent eye contact, one-on-one time and undivided attention between parents and children are necessary for building secure attachment between the parent and child.  In addition, young children are unable to regulate their emotions if the primary adults in their lives are not responding in a nurturing manner to their displays of emotion.

    Today, there is growing concern over the lack of parental presence when family members occupy the same space but are distracted and absorbed by various media sources.  Wallis (2010) believes “the increased usage of social media has led to a world in which individuals are always distracted from the social and physical presence of ‘here and now’ to a more appealing attentional target.”   So rather than children being given the chance for enough face to face interactions with parents, are they now more likely to observe the back of their parent’s head or forehead, while craving social interaction which will build their emotional intelligence?

    If children’s healthy social skills and ability to regulate their emotions is learned through face to face interactions, and if the depth of attachment and close bonds to their parents is also accomplished through quality interactions, will we experience a reduction or demise of children’s social emotional learning, and sense of relatedness to their families, as our use of media increases?  

    On another familial front, 25% of American couples are saying their relationships are being wrecked by a seductive third party.  Couples are struggling to balance their love for each other with their love for their IPhones or Androids.  According to managing editor of The Week, the average smartphone user checks in about 80 times per day and consumes some form of media 12 hours a day.  “The dazzling images and alluring tidbits of information from the internet are virtually impossible to resist.  Tap a screen and you’re rewarded by the pleasure centers in your brain -- the same ones activated by recreational drugs.” It’s no wonder that we find it difficult to unplug and focus on our loved ones. 

    So for children, teens, and adults who spend time on their devices, Dr. Byun Gi-Wun, a South Korean expert in cognitive problems, warns that heavy reliance on smartphones creates an imbalance in brain development which leads to the right side of the brain becoming stunted.  His work implies there will be eventual memory loss, short attention spans, and problems regulating emotions.  

    In summary, children may not be receiving enough opportunities for human connection or for social emotional learning in their primary relationships surrounded by digital devices.  Couple relationships are showing signs of stress and conflict due to the overuse of media.  And it appears that the excessive use of smartphones and devices is changing the way everyone’s brain is developing.   While there are both benefits and risks (McDaniel, 2012) to the increased use of social media (for instance, young mothers are using online communication to acquire continued support and information needed to help them through the first few months following childbirth), we are at a cultural tipping point in terms of questioning and regulating our media use if we want to raise children with strong social skills and emotional well-being; children who feel deeply attached to their family.  

     As we become more conscious of our tech usage, we may want to purposefully create downtime with our loved ones.  Here are some “US TIME” cards you can create and share with your children: http://www.plantlovegrow.com/uploads/3/4/5/0/34500811/us_time.pdf    Save them for holiday gifts or use them now.  One-on-one time is a present that doesn’t have to cost a dime, and yet, the payoff is tremendous.  

Emotion Coaching and Problem Solving with your Child

Your 6 Step Process for Emotion-Coaching 

(from AhaParenting.com)

       Dr. Laura Markham  (Ahaparenting.com) helps parents use a Stepwise Process to build Social Emotional Intelligence in children.  Nederland educators are also learning how to coach young students to be emotionally intelligent in partnership with Let’s Connect at CU.  This week’s BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lesson will help students identify emotions and notice nonverbal cues that indicate other’s emotional state.

    

When our children get upset, most of us get upset too. If the child is angry at us, we feel defensive; like the child's feelings are unwarranted. If he's upset at something else, we want to make him feel better, to make the emotions go away, as if emotions are dangerous. But struggle is how we learn. Your child isn't creating those feelings, and he needs your help to manage them. The only way to resolve emotions is to go through them. Here's your game plan.

1. Calm yourself first.

• Use your pause button: Stop, drop your agenda (just for now), and take a deep breath before you engage with your child.
• Remind yourself that your goal is to calm the storm for your child, not escalate it.
• Don't take your child's emotions personally. This isn't about you, even if she's screaming “I hate you!” This is about her: her tangled-up feelings and still-developing brain.
• Calm yourself with a mantra: “It’s not an emergency” or “This is an opportunity to be there for my child when he’s upset.”
• Notice the sensations in your body.
• Notice if you feel annoyance, or the urge to make you child’s feelings go away. Decide that your goal is to use this opportunity to build a closer relationship with your child and teach him helpful lessons about accepting and responding to emotions.

2. Connect and Create Safety.

• Reach out to connect emotionally, and if you can, physically.
• Create safety with your touch, your warmth, your tone, your attitude.
• Give your child the verbal and/or nonverbal message: “I will help you…You’re safe...You can handle this.”
• If you breathe slowly and deeply, your child will usually begin to breathe more slowly.

3. Empathize. Match your child's tone. When kids feel that you really get how upset they are, they don't need to escalate.

• Welcome the emotions and reflect them, mirroring your child’s tone. “You look so mad!” or “You seem a little worried about this sleepover.”

• If your child is describing a problem to you, repeat back to him what you've heard: “I hear you loud and clear. You’re fed up with your brother going into your room and taking your gum."

• If your child is expressing anger at you, resist the urge to tell her to be appropriate. Instead, acknowledge the feelings and invite her to tell you what she's upset about. “You must be so upset to talk to me that way, Kayla. Tell me what's happening.”


• If you don't know what your child is feeling or your child gets angry when you “name” her emotions, “upset” is a good all-purpose word: “I hear how upset you are about this.”


• Describing what your child is physically expressing helps him feel seen and heard, and can either help you name emotions or intentionally avoid it:  “I see you’re biting your lip. You look worried.”  Or “Your arms are crossed over your chest like this, and your brows are tight, like this. I wonder what's going on?”

• Acknowledge your child's perspective. “You wish that….”  or “This isn’t what you wanted….”

• If your child is crying, words can be a distraction. Use them sparingly, to create safety and welcome the emotion: “Everybody needs to cry sometimes. It's good to feel those tears and let them go. I'm right here. You're safe."

4. Double-check to be sure your child feels understood by what you've said. This way, you don't have to worry about whether you were able to accurately reflect your child's feelings. Just ask.

“Is that right?”

“Is that what you’re telling me?”

“Am I getting that?”

• Your child may agree—“Of course I’m mad!”—and elaborate.
• Your child may correct you: “I’m not disappointed! I’m mad!” In that case, try again. If possible, use your child's exact words so they know you're listening: “I’m sorry, Caleb. I see now how mad you are. Tell me more about why.”
• Or your child may correct you—“I’m NOT MAD!”—even though it's clear that you were accurate in your perception.That's a signal that your child is feeling judged or analyzed rather than understood. Acknowledge the correction and start over, connecting more as you describe the child's perspective: “I hear you, Lucas. You’re not mad. Let me see if I understand. You wanted X. Is that right?”

Don’t fight about what your child is actually feeling. What's important is that she feels understood. Her awareness of what she's feeling will shift as she moves through the emotions.

5. Deepen the conversation. You can do this by offering support, validating your child’s emotion, or simply inviting your child to tell you more.Validation doesn’t necessarily mean you agree, only that you understand why your child would feel this way. Let yourself feel some of what your child is feeling, while you still stay centered.If you really feel the emotion with your child, then you may get tears in your eyes at how heartbreaking this must be for your child.

• “Ouch, that must have hurt! Want to show me what happened?”
• "Oh, Sofia, no wonder you’re upset.”
• “It could be really embarrassing, to have your teacher say that.”
• “You’re saying that I love your sister more….Ethan, that must feel so awful, to feel that…”
• “I didn’t understand how important this was to you. Tell me more about this.”
• “I hear how angry you are about this. What can I do to help make this better?”
• “So I hear you’re upset because of X and also Y! Is there anything else?” Asking if there's anything else often opens the floodgates to get to the heart of why your child is upset. He may start with what a lousy mother you are for making oatmeal again, and end up telling you that he thinks you love his brother more, or he’s being bullied at school.
• “Thank you for telling me this. I’m sorry that what I did upset you so much. Please tell me more.” When your child is angry at you, let him know you're listening. You may find out something that will transform your relationship for the better. Or you may find that his anger has nothing to do with you after all.
• Describe the incident without judging, so your child feels understood. “Lena wanted to play with your doll and you were worried.You said ‘No!’ and hit Lena and you both cried. Right?” Telling the story helps the child to calm down, reflect, and integrate the emotions, as the emotional experience of the right frontal lobe is articulated by the verbal, more rational understanding from the left frontal lobe.

6. Problem solve. Most of the time, when kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This leaves an opening for problem solving.

If your child still seems upset and negative and isn’t open to problem-solving, that’s a sign that she hasn’t worked through the emotions yet and you need to go back to the earlier steps.

When your child is ready to problem-solve, resist the urge to solve the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives your child the message that you don't have confidence in their ability to handle it. If they feel stuck, help them brainstorm and explore options: “Hmmm…..So you think you might do X. I wonder what would happen then?”

Time consuming? Yes. But you'll notice that as you get more comfortable, you'll move through the steps quickly. Even better, you'll see your child get better at expressing emotions in a constructive way. Emotion coaching raises kids who are more emotionally intelligent. It also helps you stay calm when your child is upset, so it creates a more peaceful household.

Less drama, more love. Win-Win.